CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHASE WOKE IN a cold sweat, his heart pounding so heavily he thought it would burst through his bone and flesh and straight out into the open. His bed was empty. He sat up, rubbing his hand over his face, then forking his fingers through his hair.
It felt wrong to have the bed empty. After spending only one night wrapped around Anna, it already felt wrong. Not having her... Waking up in the morning to find that she wasn’t there was... He hated it. It was unsettling. It reminded him of the holes that people left behind, of how devastating it was when you lost someone unexpectedly.
He banished the thought. She might still be here. But then, she didn’t have any clean clothes or anything, so if she had gone home, he couldn’t necessarily blame her. He went straight into the bathroom, took a shower, took care of all other morning practicalities. He resisted the urge to look at his phone, to call Anna’s phone or to go downstairs and see if maybe she was still around. He was going to get through all this, dammit, and he was not going to behave as though he were affected.
As though the past night had changed something fundamental, not just between them, but in him.
He scowled, throwing open the bedroom door and heading down the stairs.
He stopped dead when he saw her standing there in the kitchen. She was wearing his T-shirt, her long, slim legs bare. And he wondered if she was bare all the way up. His mouth dried, his heart squeezing tight.
She wasn’t missing. She wasn’t gone. She was cooking him breakfast. Like she belonged here. Like she belonged in his life. In his house. In his bed.
For one second it made him feel like he belonged. Like she’d been the missing piece to making this his, to making it more than McCormack.
He felt like he was standing in the middle of a dream. Standing there looking at somebody else’s life. At some wild, potential scenario that in reality he would never get to have.
Right in front of him was everything. And in the same moment he saw that, he imagined the hole that would be left behind if it was ever taken away. If he ever believed in this, fully, completely. If he reached out and embraced her now, there would be no words for how empty his arms would feel if he ever lost her.
“Don’t you have work?” he asked, leaning against the doorjamb.
She turned around and smiled, the kind of smile that lit him up inside, from his head, down his toes. He did his very best not to return the gesture. Did his best not to encourage it in any way.
And he cursed himself when the glow leached out of her face. “Good morning to you, too,” she said.
“You didn’t need to make breakfast.”
“Au contraire. I was hungry. So breakfast was needed.”
“You could’ve gone home.”
“Yes, Grumpy-Pants, I could have. But I decided to stay here and make you food. Which seemed like an adequate thank-you for the multiple orgasms I received yesterday.”
“Bacon? You’re trying to pay for your orgasms with bacon?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” She crossed her arms beneath her breasts and revealed that she did not, in fact, have anything on beneath the shirt. “Bacon is a borderline orgasmic experience.”
“I have work. I don’t have time to eat breakfast.”
“Maybe if you had gotten up at a decent hour.”
“I don’t need you to lecture me on my sleeping habits,” he bit out. “Is there coffee?”
“It’s like you don’t know me at all.” She crossed the room and lifted a thermos off the counter. “I didn’t want to leave it sitting on the burner. That makes it taste gross.”
“I don’t really care how it tastes. That’s not the point.”
She rested her hand on the counter, then rapped her knuckles against the surface. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Stop it, Chase. Maybe you can BS the other bimbos that you sleep with, but you can’t do it to me. I know you too well. This has nothing to do with waking up late.”
“This is a bad idea,” he said.
“What’s a bad idea? Eating bacon and drinking coffee with one of your oldest friends?”
“Sleeping with one of my oldest friends. It was stupid. We never should’ve done it.”
She just stood there, her expression growing waxen, and as the color drained from her face, he felt something even more critical being scraped from his chest, like he was being hollowed out.
“It’s a little late for that,” she pointed out.
“Well, it isn’t too late to start over.”
“Chase...”
“It was fun. But, honestly, we accomplished everything we needed to. There’s no reason to get dramatic about it. We agreed that we weren’t going to let it affect our friendship. And it...it just isn’t working for me.”
“It was working fine for you last night.”
“Well, that was last night, Anna. Don’t be so needy.”
She drew back as though she had been slapped and he wanted to punch his own face for saying such a thing. For hitting her where he knew it would hurt. And he waited. Waited for her to grow prickly. For her to retreat behind the walls. For her to get angry and start insulting him. For her to end all of this in fire and brimstone as she scorched the earth in an attempt to disguise the naked pain that was radiating from her right now.
He knew she would. Because that was how it went. If he pushed far enough, then she would retreat.
She closed the distance between them, cupping his face, meeting his eyes directly. And he waited for the blow. “But I feel needy. So what am I going to do about that?”
He couldn’t have been more shocked than if she had reached up and slapped him. “What?”
“I’m needy. Or maybe...wanty? I’m both.” She took a deep breath. “Yes, I’m both. I want more. Not less. And this is... This is the moment where we make decisions, right? Well, I’ve decided that I want to move forward with this. I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back.”
“Anna,” he said, her name scraping his throat raw.
“Chase,” she said, her own voice a whisper in response.
“We can’t do this,” he said.
He needed the Anna he knew to come to his rescue now. To laugh it all off. To break this tension. To say that it didn’t matter. To wave her hand and say it was all whatever and they could forget it. But she wasn’t doing that. She was looking at him, her green eyes completely earnest, vulnerability radiating from her face. “We need to do this. Because I love you.”
* * *
ANNA COULD TELL that her words had completely stunned Chase. Fair enough, they had shocked her just as much. She didn’t know where all of this was coming from. This strength. This bravery.
Except that last night’s conversation kept echoing in her mind. When she had told him about her mother. When she had told him about how she always regretted not closing the distance between them. Always regretted not taking the chance.
That was the story of her entire life. She had, from the time she was a child, refused to make herself vulnerable. Refused to open herself up to injury. To pain. So she pretended she didn’t care. She pretended nothing mattered. She did that every time her father ignored her, every time he forgot an important milestone in her life. She had done it the first time she’d ever had sex with a guy and it had made her feel something. Rather than copping to that, rather than dealing with it, she had mocked him.
All of her inner workings were a series of walls and shields, carefully designed to keep the world from hitting the terrible, needy things inside of her. Designed to keep herself from realizing they were there. But she couldn’t do it anymore. She didn’t want to do it anymore. Not with Chase. She didn’t want to look back and wonder what could have been.
She wanted more. She needed more. Pride be damned.
“I do,” she said, nodding. “I love you.”
“You can’t.”
“I’m pretty sure I can. Since I do.”
“No,” he said, the word almost desperate.
“No, Chase, I really do. I mean, I have loved you since I was fifteen years old. And intermittently thought you were hot. But mostly, I just loved you. You’ve been my friend, my best friend. I needed you. You’ve been my emotional support for a long time. We do that for each other. But things changed in the past few days. You’re my...everything.” Her voice broke on that last word. “This isn’t sex and friendship, it isn’t two different things, this is all the things, combined together to make something so big that it fills me completely. And I don’t have room inside my chest for shields and protection anymore. Not when all that I am just loves you.”
“I can’t do this,” he bit out, stepping away from her.
“I didn’t ask if you could do this. This isn’t about you, not right now. Yes, I would like you to love me, too, but right now this is just about me saying that I love you. Telling you. Because I don’t ever want to look back and think that maybe you didn’t know. That maybe if I had said something, it could have been different.” She swallowed hard, battling tears. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Unless it’s a movie, I almost never cry, but you’re making me cry a lot lately.”
“I’m only going to make you cry more,” he said. “Because I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to love somebody.”
“Bull. You’ve loved me perfectly, just the way I needed you to for fifteen years. The way that you take care of this place, the way that you care for Sam... Don’t tell me that you can’t love.”
“Not this kind. Not this... Not this.”
“I’m closing the gap,” she said, pressing on, even though she could see that this was a losing battle. She was charging in anyway, sword held high, chest exposed. She was giving it her all, fighting even though she knew she wasn’t going to walk away unscathed. “I’m not going to wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just been brave enough to do it. I would rather cut myself open and bleed out. I would rather risk my heart than wonder. So I’m just going to say it. Stop being such a coward and love me.”
He took another step back from her and she felt that gap she was so desperate to close widening. Watched as her greatest fear started to play out right before her eyes. “I just... I don’t.”
“You don’t or you won’t?”
“At the end of the day, the distinction doesn’t really matter. The result is the same.”
She felt like she was having an out-of-body experience. Like she was floating up above, watching herself get rejected. There was nothing she could do. She couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t change it. Couldn’t shield herself.
It was...horrible. Gut-wrenching. Destructive. Freeing.
Like watching a tsunami racing to shore and deciding to surrender to the wave rather than fight it. Yeah, it would hurt like hell. But it was a strange, quiet space. Past fear, past hope. All she could hear was the sound of her heart beating.
“I’m going to go,” she said, turning away from him. “You can have the bacon.”
She had been willing to risk herself, but she wouldn’t stand there and fall apart in front of him. She would fall apart, but dammit, it would be on her own time.
“Stay and eat,” he said.
She shook her head. “No. I can’t stay.”
“Are we going to... Are we going to go to the gala together still?”
“No!” She nearly shouted the word. “We are not going to go together. I need to... I need to think. I need to figure this out. But I don’t think things can be the same anymore.”
It was his turn to close the distance between them. He grabbed hold of her arms, drawing her toward him, his expression fierce. “That was not part of the deal. It was friends plus benefits, remember? And then in the end we could just stop with the benefits and go back to the friendship.”
“We can’t,” she said, tears falling down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. But we can’t.”
“What the hell?” he ground out.
“We can’t because I’m all in. I’m not going to sit back and pretend that it didn’t really matter. I’m not going to go and hide these feelings. I’m not going to shrug and say it doesn’t really matter if you love me or not. Because it does. It’s everything. I have spent so many years not wanting. Not trying. Hiding how much I wanted to be accepted, hiding how desperately I wanted to try to look beautiful, how badly I wanted to be able to be both a mechanic and a woman. Hiding how afraid I was of ending up alone. Hiding under a blanket and watching old movies. Well, I’m done. I’m not hiding any of it anymore. And you know what? Nothing’s going to hurt after this.” She jerked out of his hold and started to walk toward the front door.
“You’re not leaving in that.”
She’d forgotten she wasn’t exactly dressed. “Sure I am. I’m just going to drive straight home. Anyway, it’s not your concern. Because I’m not your concern anymore.”
The terror that she felt screaming through her chest was reflected on his face. Good. He should be afraid. This was the most terrifying experience of her life. She knew how horrible it was to lose a person you cared for. Knew what kind of void that left. And she knew that after years it didn’t heal. She knew, too, you always felt the absence. She knew that she would always feel his. But she needed more. And she wasn’t afraid to put it all on the line. Not now. Not after everything they had been through. Not after everything she had learned about herself. Chase was the one who had told her she needed more confidence.
Well, she had found it. But there was a cost.
Or maybe this was just the cost of loving. Of caring, deeply and with everything she had, for the first time in so many years.
She strode across the property, not caring that she was wearing nothing more than his T-shirt, rage pouring through her. And when she arrived back at the shop she grabbed her purse and her keys, making her way to the truck. When she got there, Chase was standing against the driver’s-side door. “Don’t leave like this.”
“Do you love me yet?”
He looked stricken. “What do you want me to say?”
“You know what I want you to say.”
“You want me to lie?”
She felt like he had taken a knife and stabbed her directly through the heart. She could barely breathe. Could barely stand straight. This was... This was her worst fear come true. To open herself up so completely, to make herself so entirely vulnerable and to have it all thrown back in her face.
But in that moment, she recognized that she was untouchable from here on out. Because there was nothing that could ever, ever come close to this pain. Nothing that could ever come close to this risk.
How had she missed this before? How had she missed that failure could be such a beautiful, terrible, freeing experience?
It was the worst. Absolutely the worst. But it also broke chains that had been binding her for years. Because if someone had asked her what she was so afraid of, this would have been the answer. And she was in it. Living it. Surviving it.
“I love you,” she repeated. “This is your chance. Listen to me, Chase McCormack, I am giving you a chance. I’m giving you a chance to stop being so afraid. A chance to walk out of the darkness. We’ve walked through it together for a long time. So I’m asking you now to walk out of it with me. Please.”
He backed away from the truck, his jaw tense, a muscle there twitching.
“Coward,” she spat as he turned and walked away from her. Walked away from them. Walked back into the damned darkness.
And she got in her truck and started the engine, driving away from him, driving away from the things she wanted most in the entire world.
She didn’t cry until she got home. But then, once she did, she was afraid she wouldn’t stop.