CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SHE WAS GOING to lose the bet. That was the safest thought in Anna’s head as she stood in her bedroom the night of the charity event staring at the dress that was laid across her bed.
She was going to have to go there by herself. And thanks to the elaborate community theater production of their relationship everyone would know that they had broken up, since Chase wouldn’t be with her. She almost laughed.
She was facing her fears all over the place, whether she wanted to or not.
Facing fears and making choices.
She wasn’t going to be with Chase at the gala tonight. Wasn’t going to win her money. But she had bought an incredibly slinky dress, and some more makeup. Including red lipstick. She had done all of that for him. Though in many ways it was for her, too. She had wanted that experience. To go, to prove that she was grown-up. To prove that she had transcended her upbringing and all of that.
She frowned. Was she really considering dressing differently just because she wasn’t going to be with Chase?
Screw that. He might have filleted her heart and cooked it like those hideous charred Brussels sprouts cafés tries to pass off as a fancy appetizer, but he wasn’t going to take his lessons from her. She had learned confidence. She had learned that she was stronger than she thought. She had learned that she was beautiful. And how to care. Like everything inside her had been opened up, for better or for worse. But she would never go back. No matter how bad it hurt, she wouldn’t go back.
So she wouldn’t go back now, either.
As she slipped the black dress over her curves, laboring over the makeup on her face and experimenting with the hairstyle she had seen online, she could only think how much harder it was to care about things. All of these things. It had been so much easier to embrace little pieces of herself. To play the part of another son for her father and throw herself into activities that made him proud, ignoring her femininity so that she never made him uncomfortable.
All of these moments of effort came at a cost. Each minute invested revealing more and more of her needs. To be seen. To be approved of.
But there were so many other reasons she had avoided this. Because this—she couldn’t help but think as she looked in the mirror—looked a lot like trying. It looked a lot like caring. That was scary. It was hard.
Being rejected when you had given your best effort was so much worse than being rejected when you hadn’t tried at all.
This whole being-a-woman thing—a whole woman who wanted to be with a man, who loved a man—it was hard. And it hurt.
She looked at her reflection, her eyes widening. Thanks to the smoky eye shadow her green eyes glowed, her lips looking extra pouty with the dark red color on them. She looked like one of the old screen legends she loved so much. Very Elizabeth Taylor, really.
This was her best effort. And yes, it was only a dress, and this was just looks, but it was symbolic.
She was going to lay it all on the line, and maybe people would laugh. Because the tractor mechanic in a ball gown was too ridiculous for words. But she would take the risk. And she would take it alone.
She picked up the little clutch purse that was sitting on her table. The kind of purse she’d always thought was impractical, because who wanted a bag you had to hold in your hand all night? But the salesperson at the department store had told her it went with her dress, and that altogether she looked flawless, and Anna had been in desperate need of flattery. So here she was with a clutch.
It was impractical. But she did look great.
Of course, Chase wouldn’t be there to see it. She felt her eyes starting to fill with tears and she blinked, doing her best to hold it all back. She was not going to smear her makeup. She had already put it all out there for him. She would be damned if she undid all this hard work for him, too.
With that in mind, Anna got into her truck and drove herself to the ball.
* * *
“HEY, JACKASS,” SAM shouted from across the shop. “Are you going to finish with work anytime today?”
Okay, so maybe Chase had thrown himself into work with a little more vehemence than was strictly necessary since Anna had walked out of his life.
Anna. Anna had walked out of his life. Over something as stupid as love.
If love was so stupid, it wouldn’t make your insides tremble like you were staring down a black bear.
He ignored his snarky internal monologue. He had been doing a lot of that lately. So many arguments with himself as he pounded iron at the forge. That was, when he wasn’t arguing with Sam. Who was getting a little bit tired of him, all things considered.
“Do I look like I’m finished?” he shouted back.
“It’s nine o’clock at night.”
“That’s amazing. When did you learn to tell time?”
“I counted on my fingers,” Sam said, wandering deeper into the room. “So, are we just going to pretend that Anna didn’t run out of your house wearing only a T-shirt the other morning?”
“I’m going to pretend that my older brother doesn’t Peeping Tom everything that happens in my house.”
“We live on the same property. It’s bound to happen. I was on my way here when I saw her leaving. And you chasing after her. So I’m assuming you did the stupid thing.”
“I told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship with her.” That was a lie. He had done so much more than that. He had torn both of their hearts out and stomped them into the ground. Because Sam was right, he was an idiot. But he had made a concerted effort to be a safe idiot.
How’s that working for you?
“Right. Why exactly?”
“Look, the sage hermit thing is a little bit tired. You don’t have a social life, I don’t see you with a wife and children, so maybe you don’t hang out and lecture me.”
“Isn’t tonight that thing?” Sam seemed undeterred by Chase’s rudeness.
“What thing?”
“The charity thing that you were so intent on using to get investors. Because the two of us growing our family business and restoring the former glory of our hallowed ancestors is so important to you. And exploiting my artistic ability for your financial gain.”
“Change of plans.” He grunted, moving a big slab of iron that would eventually be a gate to the side. “I’m just going to keep working. We’ll figure this out without schmoozing.”
“Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”
“Just shut up. If you can’t do anything other than stand there looking vaguely amused at the fact that I’m going through a personal crisis, then you can go straight to hell without passing Go or collecting two hundred dollars.”
“I’m not going to be able to afford Park Place anyway, because you aren’t out there getting new investors.”
“I’m serious, Sam,” Chase shouted, throwing his hammer down on the ground. “It’s all fine for you because you hold everyone at a distance.”
Sam laughed. The bastard. “I hold everyone at a distance. What do you think you do? What do you think your endless string of one-night stands is?”
“You think I don’t know? You think I don’t know that it’s an easy way to get some without ever having to have a conversation? I’m well aware. But I don’t need you standing over there so entertained by the fact that...”
“That you actually got your heart broken?”
Chase didn’t have anything to say to that. Every single word in his head evaporated like water against molten metal. He had nothing to say to that because his heart was broken. But Anna wasn’t responsible. It was his own fault.
And the only reason his heart was broken was because he...
“Do you know what I said to Dad the day that he died?”
Sam froze. “No.”
No, he didn’t. Because they had never talked about it. “The last thing I ever said to him was that I couldn’t wait to get away from here. I told him I wasn’t going to pound iron for the rest of my life. I was going to get away and go to college. Make something real out of myself. Like this wasn’t real.”
“I didn’t realize.”
“No. Because I didn’t tell you. Because I never told anybody. But that’s why I needed to fix this. It’s why I wanted to expand this place.”
“So it isn’t really to harness my incredible talent?”
“I don’t even know what it’s for anymore. To what? To make up for what I said to a dead man. And for promises that I made at his grave... He can’t hear me. That’s the worst thing.”
Sam stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Is that the only reason you’re still here?”
“No. I love it here. I really do. I had to get older. I had to put some of my own sweat into this place. But now...I get it. I do. And I care about it because I care about it, not just because they cared about it. Not just because it’s a legacy, but because it’s worth saving. But...”
“I still remember that day. I mean, I don’t just remember it,” Sam said, “it’s like it just happened yesterday. That feeling... The whole world changing. Everything falling right down around us. That’s as strong in my head now as it was then.”
“How many times can you lose everything?” Chase asked, making eye contact with his brother. “Anna is everything. Or she could be. It was easy when she was just a friend. But...I saw her in my house the other morning cooking me breakfast, wearing my T-shirt. For a second she made me feel like...like that house was our house, and she could be my...my everything.”
“I wouldn’t even know what that looked like for me, Chase. If you find that...grab it.”
“And if I lose it?”
“You’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”
Chase thought back to the day his parents died. That was a kind of pain he hadn’t even known existed. But, as guilty as he had felt, as many promises as he had made at his father’s grave site, he couldn’t blame himself for their death. It had been an accident. That was the simple truth.
But if he lost Anna now... Pushing her away hadn’t been an accident. It was in his control. Fully and absolutely. And if he lost her, then it was on him.
He thought of her face as she had turned away from him, as she had gotten into her truck.
She had trusted him. His prickly Anna had trusted him with her feelings. Her vulnerability. A gift that he had never known her to give to anybody. And he had rejected it. He was no better than he had been as an angry sixteen-year-old, hurtling around the curves of the road that had destroyed his family, daring it to take him, too.
Anna, who had already endured the rejection of a mother, the silent rejection of who she was from her father, had dared to look him in the face and risk his rejection, too.
“I’ll do it,” Sam said, his voice rough.
“What?”
“I’m going to start...pursuing the art thing to a greater degree. I want to help. You missed this party tonight and I know it mattered to you...”
“But you hate change,” Chase reminded him.
“Yeah,” Sam said. “But I hate a lot of things. I have to do them anyway.”
“We’re still going to have to meet with investors.”
“Yeah,” Sam replied, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I can help with that. You’re right. This is why you’re the brains and I’m the talent.”
“You’re a glorified blacksmith, Sam,” Chase said, trying to keep the tone light because if he went too deep now he might just fall apart.
“With talent. Beyond measure,” Sam said. “At least my brother has been telling me that for years.”
“Your brother is smart.” Though he currently felt anything but.
Sam shrugged. “Eh. Sometimes.” He cleared his throat. “You discovered you cared about this place too late to ever let Dad know. That’s sad. But at least Dad knew you cared about him. You know he never doubted that,” Sam said. “But, damn, bro, don’t leave it too late to let Anna know you care about her.”
Chase looked at his brother, who was usually more cynical than he was wise, and couldn’t ignore the truth ringing in his words.
Anna was the best he’d ever had. And had been for the past fifteen years of his life. Losing her...well, that was just a stupid thing to allow.
But the thing that scared him most right now was that it might already be too late. That he might have broken things beyond repair.
“And if it is too late?” he asked.
“Chase, you of all people know that when something is forged in fire it comes out the other side that much stronger.” His brother’s expression was hard, his dark eyes dead serious. “This is your fire. You’re in it now. If you let it cool, you lose your chance. So I suggest you get your ass to wherever Anna is right now and you work at fixing this. It’s either that or spend your life as a cold, useless hunk of metal that never became a damn thing.”
* * *
IT HAD NOT gone as badly as she’d feared. It hadn’t gone perfectly, of course, but she had survived. The lowest point had been when Wendy Maxwell, who was still angry with Anna over the whole Chase thing, had wandered over to her and made disparaging comments about last season’s colors and cuts, all the while implying that Anna’s dress was somehow below the height of fashion. Which, whatever. She had gotten the dress on clearance, so it probably was. Anna might care about looking nice, but she didn’t give a rat’s ass about fashion.
She gave a couple of rat’s asses about what had happened next.
Where’s Chase?
Her newfound commitment to honesty and emotions had compelled her to answer honestly.
We broke up. I’m pretty upset about it.
The other woman had been in no way sympathetic and had in fact proceeded to smug all over the rest of the conversation. But she wasn’t going to focus on the low.
The highs had included talking to several people whom she was going to be working with in the future. And getting two different phone numbers. She had made conversation. She had felt...like she belonged. And she didn’t really think it had anything to do with the dress. Just with her. When you had already put everything out there and had it rejected, what was there to fear beyond that?
She sighed as she pulled into her driveway, straightening when she saw that there was a truck already there.
Chase’s truck.
She put her own into Park, killing the engine and getting out. “What are you doing here, McCormack?” She was furious now. She was all dressed up, wearing her gorgeous dress, and she had just weathered that party on her own, and now he was here. She was going to punch his face.
Chase was sitting on her porch, wearing well-worn jeans and a tight black T-shirt, his cowboy hat firmly in place. He stood up, and as he began to walk toward her, Anna felt a raindrop fall from the sky. Because of course. He was here to kick her while she was down, almost certainly, and it was going to rain.
Thanks, Oregon.
“I came to see you.” He stopped, looking her over, his jaw slightly slack. “I’m really glad that I did.”
“Stop checking me out. You don’t get to look at me like that. I did not put this dress on for you.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know. I put this dress on for me. Because I wanted to look beautiful. Because I didn’t care if anybody thought I was pretty enough, or if I’m not fashionable enough for Wendy the mule-faced ex-cheerleader. I did it because I cared. I do that now. I care. For me. Not for you.”
She started to storm past him, the raindrops beginning to fall harder, thicker. He grabbed her arm and stopped her, twirling her toward him. “Don’t walk away. Please.”
“Give me a reason to stop walking.”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And hammering.”
“Real hammering, or is this some kind of a euphemism to let me know you’re lonely?”
“Actual hammering. I didn’t feel like I deserved anything else. Not after what happened.”
“You don’t. You don’t deserve to masturbate ever again.”
“Anna...”
“No,” she said. “I can’t do this. I can’t just have a little taste of you. Not when I know what we can have. We can be everything. At first it was like you were my friend, but also we were sleeping together. And I looked at you as two different men. Chase, my friend. And Chase, the guy who was really good with his hands. And his mouth, and his tongue. You get the idea.” She swallowed hard, her throat getting tight. “But at some point...it all blended together. And I can’t separate it anymore. I just can’t. I can’t pull the love that I feel for you out of my chest and keep the friendship. Because they’re all wrapped up in each other. And they’ve become the same thing.”
“It’s all or nothing,” he said, his voice rough.
“Exactly.”
He sighed heavily. “That’s what I was afraid of.”
“I’m sorry if you came over for a musical and a look at my porcupine pajamas. But I can’t do it.”
He tightened his hold on her, pulling her closer. “I knew it was going to be all or nothing.”
“I can even understand why you think that might not be fair—”
“No. When you told me you loved me, I knew it was everything. Or nothing. That was what scared me so much. I have known... For a lot of years, I’ve realized that you were one of the main supports of my entire life. I knew you were one of the things that kept me together after my parents died. One of the only things. And I knew that if I ever lost you...it might finish me off completely.”
“I’m sorry. But I can’t live my life as your support.”
“I know. I’m not suggesting that you do. It’s just...when we started sleeping together, I had the same realization. That we weren’t going to be able to separate the physical from the emotional, from our friendship. That it wasn’t as simple as we pretended it could be. When I came downstairs and saw you in my kitchen...I saw the potential for something I never thought I could have.”
“Why didn’t you think you could have that?”
“I was too afraid. Tragedy happens to other people, Anna. Until it happens to you. And then it’s like...the safety net is just gone. And everything you never thought you could be touched by is suddenly around every corner. You realize you aren’t special. You aren’t safe. If I could lose both my parents like that...I could lose anybody.”
“You can’t live that way,” she said, her heart crumpling. “How in the world can you live that way?”
“You live halfway,” he said. “You let yourself have a little bit of things, and not all of them. You pour your commitment into a place. Your passion into a job, into a goal of restoring a family name when your family is already gone. So you can’t disappoint them even if you do fail.” He took a deep breath. “You keep the best woman you know as a friend, because if she ever became more, your feelings for her could consume you. Anna... If I lost you...I would lose everything.”
She could only stand there, looking at him, feeling like the earth was breaking to pieces beneath her feet. “Why did you—”
“I wanted to at least see it coming.” He lowered his head, shaking it slowly. “I was such an idiot. For a long time. And afraid. I think it’s impossible to go through tragedy like I did, like we did, and not have it change you. I’m not sure it’s even possible to escape it doing so much as defining you. But you can choose how. It was so easy for me to see how you protected yourself. How you shielded yourself. But I didn’t see that I was doing the same thing.”
“I didn’t know,” she said, feeling stupid. Feeling blind.
“Because I didn’t tell you.” He reached up, drawing his thumb over her cheekbone, his expression so empty, so sad. Another side of Chase she hadn’t seen very often. But it was there. It had always been there, she realized that now. “But I’m telling you now. I’m scared. I’ve been scared for a long time. And I’ve made a lot of promises to ghosts to try to atone for stupid things I said when my parents were alive. But I’ve been too afraid to make promises to the people that are actually still in my life. Too afraid to love the people that are still here. It’s easier to make promises to ghosts, Anna. I’m done with that.
“You are here,” he said, cupping her face now, holding her steady. “You’re with me. And I can have you as long as I’m not too big an idiot. As long as you still want to have me. You put yourself out there for me, and I rejected you. I’m so sorry. I know what that cost you, Anna, because I know you. And please understand I didn’t reject you because it wasn’t enough. Because you weren’t enough. It’s because you were too much, and I wasn’t enough. But I’m going to do my best to be enough for you now. Now and forever.”
She could hardly believe what she was hearing, could hardly believe that Chase was standing there making declarations to her. The kind that sounded an awful lot like love. The kind that sounded an awful lot like exactly what she wanted to hear. “Is this because I’m wearing a dress?”
“No.” He chuckled. “You could be wearing coveralls. You could be wearing nothing. Actually, I think I like you best in nothing. But whatever you’re wearing, it wouldn’t change this. It wouldn’t change how I feel. Because I love you in every possible way. As my friend, as my lover. I love you in whatever you wear, a ball gown or engine grease. I love you working on tractors and trying to explain to me how an engine works and watching musicals.”
“But do you love my porcupine pajamas?” she asked, her voice breaking.
“I’m pretty ambivalent about your porcupine pajamas, I’m not going to lie. But if they’re a nonnegotiable part of the deal, then I can adjust.”
She shook her head. “They aren’t nonnegotiable. But I probably will irritate you with them.” Then she sobbed, unable to hold her emotions back any longer. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his skin, breathing his scent in. “Chase, I love you so much. Look what we were protecting ourselves from.”
He laughed. “When you put it that way, it seems like we were being pretty stupid.”
“Fear is stupid. And it’s strong.”
He tightened his hold on her. “It isn’t stronger than this.”
Not stronger than fifteen years of friendship, than holding each other through grief and pleasure, laughter and pain.
When she had pulled up and seen his truck here, Anna Brown had murder on her mind. And now, everything was different.
“Remember when you promised you were going to make me a woman?” she asked.
“Right. I do. You laughed at me.”
“Yes, I did.” She stretched up on her toes and kissed his lips. “Chase McCormack, I’m pretty sure you did make me a woman. Maybe not in the way you meant. But you made me feel...like a whole person. Like I could finally put together all the parts of me and just be me. Not hide any of it anymore.”
He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m glad, Anna. Because you sure as hell made me a man. The man that I want to be, the man that I need to be. I can’t change the past, and I can’t live in it anymore, either.”
“Good. Then I think we should go ahead and make ourselves a future.”
“Works for me.” He smiled. “I love you. You’re everything.”
“I love you, too.” It felt so good to say that. To say it and not be afraid. To show her whole heart and not hold anything back.
“I bet that I can make you say you love me at least a hundred more times tonight. I bet I can get you to say it every day for the rest of our lives.”
She smiled, taking his hand and walking toward the house, not caring about the rain. “I bet you can.”
He led her inside, leaving a trail of clothes in the hall behind them, leaving her beautiful dress on the floor. She didn’t care at all.
“And I bet—” he wrapped his arm around her waist, then laid her down on the bed “—tonight I can make you scream.”
“I’ll take that bet,” she said, wrapping her legs around his hips.
And that was a bet they both won.
* * * * *