CHAPTER TEN
Olivia
September 4
THERE ARE NINE OF US IN the cooking class, each standing behind a long wooden table with a small range and oven at each station, and a sink in between. The classroom is at the back of Epicurean, a gourmet kitchen cookware and cutlery store, and a wall of windows looks out onto the floor—gleaming stainless steel pans, racks of dishes, colorful ovenware, tablecloths, and linen napkins.
I open my satchel and remove my notebook, then check to make sure I brought at least three pens. You know, a backup in case one runs out of ink and a spare in case my station neighbor needs a loan.
I tighten my hair in its ponytail, then line up my notepad and pen beside the range just as my cell phone rings.
“Are you still at the library?” Dean asks.
“My cooking class starts at seven. I told you yesterday.”
“Oh. Sorry, I forgot.”
Irritation prickles my skin. “Yeah, well, there’s a chicken pot-pie warm in the oven for you.”
I snap the phone shut with an audible click, which catches the attention of the woman at the station beside me. She gives me a sympathetic smile.
“It started out as a frozen pot-pie,” I say, dropping the phone back into my bag. “Obviously the reason I’m here.”
“Welcome, everyone.” A blond-haired man wearing a white chef’s jacket steps up to the instructor’s station at the front of the room. “I’m Chef Tyler Wilkes, owner and executive chef of the restaurant Julienne over in Forest Grove. Natalie invited me to teach this class for the next few months, and I hope I can help you learn some exciting new cooking techniques.”
At this point, I’d be happy to learn any cooking technique, whether or not it’s exciting.
Chef Tyler Wilkes drones on about a bunch of his accomplishments—four-star this, five-star that, an award here, another award there—then he wants us to introduce ourselves and tell everyone our reasons for taking his class.
Charlotte Dillard, my station neighbor, just returned from a culinary tour of France and is anxious to recreate some of the dishes she enjoyed. Laura Gomez has had a lifelong love of food and is considering leaving her insurance job to pursue cooking as a career. George Hayes, the one man in the group, recently retired and is finally getting around to trying new things. Susan Chapman wants to learn more about preparing local and organic ingredients to provide healthy, delicious meals for her family.
My introduction couldn’t be more straightforward.
“I’m Olivia West. Everyone calls me Liv. I’m taking the class because I can’t cook.”
Tyler Wilkes smiles at me from behind his station. Even though I’m in the third row, I’m a little dazzled by the effect of brightness.
He’s cute, I think in the abstract way I think puppies and stuffed animals are cute.
“Why don’t you think you can cook, Liv?” he asks.
“Uh… I don’t think I can’t. I know I can’t.”
“Why?” he persists.
I have no idea what he’s talking about. The rest of the class is looking at me, as if expecting some grand philosophical answer like, “Well, I wasn’t really nourished as a child, so I never understood what…”
Oh, shit.
My fingers curl on the edges of the counter. For a second, I feel blindsided.
“Liv?” Tyler Wilkes presses.
“Er, I guess… I mean, I’ve never done much of it. Cooking, that is. In my life.” My face is starting to get hot.
Tyler Wilkes smiles again and moves on to talking about what to expect from this class (good cooking techniques, the basics of classic French cuisine, learning to cook individual dishes, then the grand finale of preparing an entire menu), then he reviews all the implements at our stations.
I’m half-listening, taking notes mechanically. My mind fills with unwanted memories of my culinary past—greasy, fast-food hamburgers; dinners of saltines and fried eggs, scrounging in a stranger’s pantry for a can of beans.
Suddenly I want Dean so badly my chest aches. I want to feel his arms tight around me; I want to press my face against his neck.
I force my attention back to the front of the room. Tyler Wilkes is demonstrating, with lightning-fast speed, how to chop carrots, celery, and onions for something called a mirepoix, a word he writes on the whiteboard behind him.
Then he tells us all to get started. I grab a carrot, and the sound of knives thwacking against wood fills the room as we all start chopping. Tyler Wilkes walks around observing everyone’s “knife technique.”
I concentrate, slicing the carrot down the middle, then into neat little cubes. Tyler Wilkes pauses beside my station neighbor Charlotte and praises the speed and evenness of her carrot dicing.
“Thank you, Chef,” she replies, glowing.
“How are you doing, Liv?” He stops in front of my station.
“All right… uh, Chef.” That sounds weird.
“Tyler,” he says, a smile in his voice.
I glance at him. He’s not much taller than I am, not much older, and he has a pleasant, open face and bright blue eyes.
He watches my chopping for a minute. “Too tight.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re holding the knife too tightly. These three fingers should be loose around the handle.”
He reaches out and puts his hand over mine to ease my fingers from the handle. I jerk away so fast the knife clatters to the cutting board.
“S-sorry.” I wipe my palms on my apron. A blush crawls over my neck.
Tyler holds up his hands and steps back.
“Relax,” he says, nodding toward the knife.
I don’t relax at all, but I manage to get my mirepoix completed to Tyler’s satisfaction, though he gives me a lecture about the value of uniform dicing. Then he sends us all off with our mirepoix in take-out containers, a packet of information about knife techniques, and instructions to practice.
When I get home, Dean is watching the news, his long body stretched out on the sofa and his feet on the coffee table. Relief almost makes my knees weak. I drop my satchel and container on the kitchen table, then cross to him.
I burrow beside him. He settles his arm heavily around my shoulders, pulling me closer. He presses his lips against my hair.
“You smell like an onion,” he remarks.
“I chopped two of them. I mean, I diced them.”
“Nice. Makes me want onion rings.”
“Maybe I’ll make you some before this class is over.”
“That’s my girl.” He glances at me. “How’d it go?”
“Okay, I guess. Makes me realize how much I don’t know about cooking.”
“So that’s why you’re taking the class, right?”
I nod, thinking of my fellow students and their reasons for wanting to learn how to cook. I think of Tyler Wilkes, who has already accomplished so much.
How? Why? What gave him a dream to pursue? And why do some people—like my mother, who had such a promising start—end up with nothing?
Still troubled, I move away from Dean and go to take a shower and change into my nightgown. I crawl into bed and try to lose myself in a novel, but the words swim in front of my eyes.
The bedroom door opens. Dean approaches me and brushes his hand over my hair. Some of my unease dissipates. He knows.
I grasp the front of his shirt. “Give me a kiss, professor.”
He slides his hand around to the back of my neck and lowers his head. His mouth meets mine in the warm, seamless way that has always soothed my prickly emotions.
A ripple of need courses between us. I shift as he puts his hands on either side of my face to angle his lips more securely against mine. Our tongues touch, and I feel the pulse of urgency flare to life in his blood.
He moves away from me and starts to unfasten his shirt. My heartrate increases as I watch him push it off his muscular chest and shoulders. He lowers his hands to the button-fly of his jeans where there is already a tantalizing swell.
He pushes his jeans halfway down his hips. I stare at the line of hair arrowing from his flat belly beneath the waistband of his boxers. He climbs onto the bed. Anticipation billows through me. My book falls to the floor.
I rise onto my knees to meet him and slip my hands into the open waistband of his jeans. His skin is warm. Just brushing my fingers against his smooth erection sends a heated charge through my veins.
He grabs a fistful of my nightgown. “Take this off.”
I can’t help smiling. Sometimes he loves the way I look in the long, snow-white gown (I suspect it makes him think of something a medieval virginal maid would wear, though Professor West would never admit to having such a fantasy). Other times he complains that the voluminous material just gets in the way.
I’m happy to shuck the thing off, since I’m starting to get hot. I drop it onto the floor beside the bed and press my body full against his. He lowers his head to kiss me as his palms come up to massage my breasts. He has an expert touch, his thumbs circling my stiff nipples as his fingers slide into the crevices beneath the heavy globes.
Sparks shoot through my body, down to my sex. I moan against his mouth and struggle to shove his jeans the rest of the way off. He helps, and then we’re both naked and his cock is pushing against my belly as his hand slips between my thighs.
The simmer of tension becomes a full boil. I start to squirm against his hand, and then I’m not thinking about anything else but his touch and the anticipation of his hardness filling me.
I grasp his shaft and stroke it, thrilled by the pulsing sensation beneath my palm, by his groan of pleasure. He thrusts into my fist. I slide my thumb over the hard knob of his cock and sense his own coiled desire unleashing. At this rate, we could both come by stroking alone, but then Dean eases me onto my back and plants both hands on either side of my head.
I know what he wants, and I’m glad. I love the missionary position. I love watching Dean’s face as he fucks me, the shifting muscles beneath his taut skin. And I love watching my own body roll beneath his, my breasts jostling in rhythm to his thrusts.
His eyes are dark, almost black. His breath is hot against my neck. After putting on a condom, he pushes his knee between my thighs.
“Open for me, Liv.”
I spread my legs wider, feeling the head of his cock nudge at me. Trembling, I draw in a sharp breath and clutch his shoulders. He moves his hand between us and positions himself, then thrusts hard. I cry out, aware of some unidentifiable emotion coursing through me alongside the mounting urgency.
Dean pushes his hands beneath my damp thighs, spreading me farther apart as his pumping grows deeper, stronger. It’s delicious, this heavy stroking, the fullness firing my blood. I shift and writhe, matching his thrusts as best I can as the pleasure becomes all-consuming.
Sweat trickles down my neck, between my breasts. This is exactly what I need, this feeling of being taken, overwhelmed by the crackling heat of our union. I lift my legs, my knees hugging Dean’s hips, and sink into the sensations.
The tension mounts to breaking point. Stars explode. I cry out again, digging my fingernails into his back when rapture spills through my veins. Before the vibrations slow, I grip his biceps.
“Harder,” I whisper, wanting this to go on forever. “Fuck me harder…”
He plunges deep, so deep my body jerks with the impact, and then he slides out and does it again. I can hardly believe it, but I’m still convulsing around him, and then his mouth descends on mine—open, wet, hot. I grip him tighter as he crests the wave and comes down the other side.
When he slows to a stop, he eases aside and takes me with him so I’m half-lying on top of him. I press my hand against his chest and feel the strong rhythm of his heartbeat.
We’re quiet for a while. The tightness in my body has loosened, but I can still feel the rustle of disquiet, the anxiety evoked by shadows of the past.
I swipe at my damp forehead and tuck myself closer to Dean. “I didn’t even ask you about your day.”
He wraps a lock of my hair around his finger. “University business as usual.”
“The semester’s going well?”
“So far, so good. Got a journal article to edit about food served at Anglo-Saxon feasts.”
“Like baked eel and parsnip pie?”
He gives me a puzzled look. I smile.
“Remember that first time I went to your place for dinner?” I ask. “You told me we were having medieval food, and for a second I might have believed you. But you’d really gotten take-out manicotti from an Italian restaurant.”
“I did?”
“You don’t remember?”
“I just remember trying not to stare at you too much.”
“I liked it when you stared at me.” I rub my cheek against his shoulder. “I still do.”
“Even though I offered you take-out manicotti on our second date?”
“Best manicotti I’ve ever had.” I think about all the food-related things Tyler Wilkes talked about earlier this evening. “You know, by the end of this cooking class, I’m supposed to be able to make an entire menu of French cuisine classics.”
“You will.” Dean pats my hip. “Learning anything is a process, right? Julia Child wasn’t born knowing how to make coq au vin.”
I give a muffled laugh. “I don’t even know what that is.”
“Chicken cooked in red wine. You’ve never had coq au vin?”
I shake my head.
“That French restaurant over on Dandelion must have it on their menu,” Dean says. “I’ll take you there for dinner this weekend. Get you inspired.”
“Thanks, but I’m working nights at the bookstore both Friday and Saturday.”
He frowns. “Nights?”
“Allie’s going to keep the store open until midnight on weekends,” I explain. “She wants to catch some of the post-movie and theater traffic.”
“You’re going to be there until midnight?” Dean shakes his head. “No way.”
Now I frown. “What do you mean, no way? Allie will be there too.”
“It’s not safe.”
“It’s the middle of downtown! Plenty of people are out on Friday and Saturday nights.”
“I don’t like it, Liv.”
“I can’t let Allie work alone, Dean.” I try to keep my tone reasonable. “But she will if she has to because she’s already advertised the extended hours. And I’m her only employee. Her boyfriend is going to help sometimes, but he works at a hotel and can’t be there every weekend. Plus this is one of the reasons Allie hired me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?” Dean asks shortly.
“I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“I wouldn’t have let you take the job if I’d known.”
I stare at him. “You wouldn’t have let me?”
He sighs. “I didn’t mean—”
“Yeah, I know what you meant.” Irritation laces my spine, and I pull away from him. “You make the decisions, right? I’m just supposed to go along with them.”
“That’s not true, Liv, and you know it.”
“Do you not remember telling me you’ll support me in whatever I want to do?”
“Of course I remember.”
“Well, I want to do this,” I persist. “I have a schedule that I intend to honor. Look, I don’t like it when you work late or when you travel, but I don’t complain about it or try to stop you.”
His mouth tightens, but he can’t refute my statement. “Will there be a security guard?”
“Allie can hardly afford to pay me, Dean. She certainly can’t afford a security guard.” I force down my annoyance and reach across to put my hand on his chest. “There are at least four restaurants on the same street, a movie theater at the end of the block, and that incense shop that must be open until one. It’s safe.”
He’s still frowning. I curl my fingers against his chest. All we need is another thing to be frustrated with each other about.
“Allie needs the extra help, and I like her a lot,” I say. “I really want this job.”
He lets out his breath in a hard rush. “All right, but keep your cell phone with you.”
My shoulders stiffen. “I wasn’t asking your permission.”
“Good, because I wasn’t giving it.”
The air between us vibrates with unpleasant tension. I grab my robe and go into the living room, thinking my own company is now preferable to his.
Kelsey knows things are still strained between Dean and me. On Sunday night, she comes over to keep me company after Dean goes off to play football with some friends.
“You want to talk about it?” She settles beside me on the sofa and holds out a bowl of popcorn.
I take the bowl and glance sideways at her. “Did he tell you anything?”
“Night of the banquet, he said you guys were having a rough patch.” She pours a glass of wine and takes a sip. “That’s what he said. Rough patch. Like he was talking about stubble he forgot to shave.”
I smile, but my heart shrinks a little. Even though Dean would have to be an idiot not to realize we’re disconnected, it hurts to know he’s told Kelsey while he and I still haven’t worked through anything.
Kelsey pours a second glass of wine and pushes it my way. I look glumly at the popcorn and pick a few kernels, thinking back to how this marital discord all started.
“When Dean and I were dating, I told him I didn’t want to have children,” I finally confess.
“Oh.” Kelsey arches a brow. She doesn’t seem surprised. “Why not?”
“I had a tough childhood,” I tell her. “My mother was totally self-centered and lousy at parenting. I’ve never been all that confident I could do any better.”
“And Dean knows that?”
“Yeah. He was okay with it, too. Not having children.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Well, recently I was… I started thinking about it. Thinking maybe I could do better than my mother.”
“Seems natural enough,” Kelsey remarks. “I guess most women think about motherhood at some point. But that’s the reason you and Dean are going through a rough patch?”
“Partly,” I admit. “Just the idea made things… messy.”
And even though Dean and I haven’t discussed it in a while, the issue is still there, hanging over us like a shadow.
“He doesn’t even want to consider it right now,” I say.
“For what it’s worth, I think a lot of men are reluctant to have a baby at first.”
“It’s not just that.” I crumble a popcorn kernel between my fingers. “Dean’s spent the last five years thinking I didn’t want children. I’ve spent the last five years thinking that too. I didn’t expect him to jump right on board the baby train just because I might have changed my mind.”
“So what is it, then?”
It’s that I’m uncertain about my own husband’s faith in me. In us.
“Dean and I have always…” My breath hitches a little. “We’ve always been able to talk about stuff, no matter how awful. We’ve gotten through it together. But this… I mean, it’s a totally natural topic for a married couple, but with us… I don’t know. It’s like the very idea created all kinds of tension and doubt. Like something is…”
Wrong.
I can’t even say it. I can’t pinpoint the source of my unease. It’s more than Dean’s reluctance to have a baby, more than my own fears of inadequacy, but I have no idea what.
I shake my head and reach for the remote control. “Never mind. We’ll work it out. Did I tell you my cooking class started last Tuesday?”
Kelsey looks as if she wants to say more, but she accepts my dismissal and sits back to watch the movie she brought.
When Dean comes home, his clothes are stained with mud, he’s got a bruise on his cheek, and he smells like cold and wind.
I like the grubby athletic look on him, and since Kelsey is gone, I decide to follow him into the shower. Certainly not the first time I’ve done this after he returns home sweaty and adrenaline-charged.
I go through the bedroom to the closed bathroom door. I hear the shower running, and my heart speeds up at the thought of water and soap sluicing down his naked body.
It’ll be okay, I tell myself. We love each other. We’ll work it out.
But the door is locked.