CHAPTER SIXTEEN
October 23
OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS, I refuse to curl up and hide. Even though my chest is tight with dismay, I get through my hours at the bookstore and Historical Museum, then attend cooking class on Tuesday evening.
I can hardly look at Tyler. I think of my sex dream every time I catch sight of his blue eyes and blond hair. Every time he flashes me a smile, which I do not return.
When he reaches over my cutting board to point out my uneven dicing of a pepper, I stare at his hand and remember imagining how it would feel on my skin.
Class seems to last forever, and I quickly clean my station and pack up my things when it’s over.
“Everything okay, Liv?” Tyler stops in front of me, a crease of concern between his eyebrows.
“Fine.” I shove my notebook into my satchel. “Why?”
“You seem a little stressed out tonight, not really focused. I didn’t make things weird for you with your friend, did I?”
“What… oh, Kelsey. No. Not at all. I’m just… no. Everything is fine.”
I stare at his throat. I’d dreamed about flicking my tongue into the hollow just above his collarbone. Dreamed about him pressing his hand to the back of my neck, exactly the way Dean does.
Jesus. I’m a fucking mess.
Tears sting my eyes. I duck my head and grab my satchel. “See you next week.”
“Hey, Liv.”
I stop, but don’t turn to look at him. He grasps my wrist, turns my palm up, and presses a piece of paper into it. I glance down.
“My phone number,” he says, his voice low enough so the others don’t overhear. “Don’t mean to be presumptuous, but call if you want to talk or anything. You know, as friends.”
“Yeah. Sure. Thanks.”
I make it out to my car before the tears start falling, scraping my throat. I manage to compose myself and leave the parking lot before my fellow students or Tyler come out.
Out of sheer exhaustion and the need for escape, I sleep through the night—a bleak, dreamless sleep.
The next morning, I dress in warm clothes, then take a walk along one of the mountain trails. A touch of winter is in the air, the trees shedding their red-and-gold leaves, geese hovering around the lake. After a couple of hours, I return home to wait for Dean.
I finally hear his key in the lock at around three. He comes in all rumpled and travel-weary, wraps his arms around me for a tight hug, then goes off to shower and change.
“Kelsey’s preserves.” He puts a few jars of peach preserves on the counter. “And some for you. Great on toast.”
“How was the conference?”
“Good. I’m starting up a project with three European students on medieval guildhalls and public architecture.” He goes into the kitchen and grabs an orange, telling me all the details of the project and the archeology it will involve.
I know the routine. And I know enough not to confront him right when he gets home. So I wait a few hours while he unpacks and winds down, checks his email, organizes his notes and books.
It’s almost dinner before he realizes I’ve barely said a word since he came home. I place an order for Chinese take-out. Dean stretches out on the sofa.
“You have your cooking class last night?” He reaches for the remote control and glances at me. “How was it?”
“Fine.”
“What did you make?”
Chicken? Fish? “Veal. Veal scaloppini.”
“How did it turn out?”
“Okay. A little dry. But good, I guess.”
He continues looking at me. “So what’s wrong?”
I take a deep breath. “You told me you hadn’t spoken to her in years.”
“Who…”
“Helen.”
“I haven’t.”
“Then why did I find a message from her in your email?”
He frowns. “What were you doing checking my email?”
“Trying to find out what else you might be keeping from me,” I snap, refusing to feel guilty for having spied on him. “I specifically asked you when you’d last talked to Helen and you said years, then I found an email from her about your conference. When were you planning on telling me about that?”
“Liv, there’s nothing to tell.”
“She said she’s planning to attend your conference next year, Dean, which means she’ll be in Mirror Lake. You didn’t think that was worth telling me? And why did you lie about having contact with her?”
“I didn’t lie. You asked me when I last talked to her, and it’s true that it’s been years since I have.”
“Don’t be an ass.” My fists clench, old insecurities and anger boiling into my chest. “You knew exactly what I meant.”
“Liv, it’s just an academic conference.” Irritation hardens his features. “You read the email, obviously… all Helen said was that she was submitting a proposal.”
“Did it even occur to you to tell me?”
“Why would you care who’s attending a Medieval Studies conference?”
My heart shrivels a little at the implication that I have no interest in his work. And at the knowledge that I have done nothing to actually express interest.
“I care if it’s your ex-wife, Dean.”
He sighs. “Look, I didn’t think it was a big deal, okay? Do I want to see Helen again? No. Do I give a damn if she presents a paper at the conference? No. She’s a scholar. She has a right to her career. She’ll attend the conference and leave, just like everyone else.”
He turns away to toss the remote onto the coffee table, his jaw set, as if that’s the end of the conversation. I walk to the table beside the sofa and open the drawer. My hand trembles as I take out the condom package and hold it up.
“What about these?” I ask.
“Condoms?”
“Helen was the reason you’ve been using condoms all this time,” I say.
Dean shakes his head. “Now what are you talking about?”
“She lied to you about birth control. That was how she got pregnant. And you told me you shouldn’t have trusted her.” I throw the box at him. It hits him square in the chest. “Did you not trust me either?”
“Liv, what—”
“You were the one who told me to stop taking the pill, told me you’d just use condoms.”
“I told you to stop taking the pill because it made you sick. Not because I didn’t trust you to take it.”
“What about the patch? Shots? You didn’t want me to use those either.”
“Because they’re also hormonal—”
“No, because you didn’t want me to be the one in control of it. Because of her.”
“Liv, for Christ’s sake, I’d never think that of you.”
“Then why? What man likes using a condom, Dean? For three years? There are a zillion other options out there, and you didn’t want me to use any of them!”
It occurs to me that it took me this long to even question his decision. I don’t know if that’s a measure of my own stupidity or of the simple fact that I’ve just never had reason to question him about anything.
He doesn’t look guilty or ashamed. More than anything, he just looks baffled.
“Liv, the condoms have nothing to do with Helen.”
“Don’t they?” My tears spill over. “You don’t want a baby with me because of what happened with Helen, right? Why else would you have wanted to wear condoms for so long?”
“Because you told me years ago that you didn’t want children!” Frustration edges his voice. He stands and approaches me. “I’m not… Liv, yes, Helen tricked me into a pregnancy that I didn’t want. But never once have I thought you’d do the same thing. Why would I have when you said you’d never wanted children anyway? Not to mention that I’ve always trusted you a hell of a lot more than I ever trusted her.”
“But not enough to tell me you were married before.”
“Liv—”
I hold up both hands. “I don’t want this anymore, Dean.”
“What?”
“This.” I gesture to the air between us and wipe my wet face and runny nose with my sleeve. “This crap that’s going on. I hate it. We had it good, didn’t we? Then I mention a baby and suddenly everything goes to hell. What the fuck happened? Don’t married people talk about babies and families? Why does everyone else manage to do it without all… this?”
“I don’t know.”
The fact that he just admitted that is enough to make my throat close. Professor West knows everything. Doesn’t he?
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier about Helen?” I ask.
“Because it was shitty. I didn’t want you to know about it.”
“You didn’t think I could handle it.”
“No. I wanted to protect you.”
“So you lied.”
“I didn’t lie.”
“By omission, yes, you did.”
For God’s sake. Our marriage is not supposed to have lies. My stomach roils with a surge of nausea.
“I told you everything, Dean,” I whisper, “because I knew you could handle it. I knew you were strong enough to work through anything with me.”
“Fuck, Liv.” He scrubs his hands over his face, tension cording his forearms. “I know.”
“But this whole time… did you think I wouldn’t do the same for you?”
“No, of course not. I just didn’t want you to.”
“I’m your wife! I want to know everything about you. I thought I did.”
“Liv…”
“Did you think I’d never find out the truth about Helen?” I pace a few steps away from him, my heart clenching. “Did you think you could keep it a secret forever? Especially when I brought up having children?”
“I don’t know what I thought.” He sits on the sofa and leans his elbows on his knees. He stares at the floor. “I wanted you, Liv. That was all I wanted. And I thought… I thought I was all you wanted.”
I swipe at my tears again. “You were.”
“You said you never wanted kids, and that was fine with me,” he says. “You’re right. We had it good. So good that I didn’t think we needed anything else.”
We had it good. We both used the past tense without realizing it.
“I’ve given you all I have,” I say, my throat closing over the words. “All I am. You know that. Why didn’t you do the same for me?”
“I did. The disaster with Helen was… it’s not important. Not to us.”
“How can you say that when it affected your response to having a baby with me?”
“What do you want me to do now, Liv?” Frustration steels his voice as he lifts his head to look at me. “Whatever it is, I’ll do it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It was in the past, and I didn’t want you to have to deal with another shitty thing. That was it. It had nothing to do with us.”
“Everything about you has to do with us.”
“I can’t change it, Liv! What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know.” My voice cracks.
We stare at each other. I see with sudden, sharp clarity exactly what our marriage has been. Dean has been in control of all the barbed-wire things that could hurt me. And I have been willing to let him be my shield, to keep the bad stuff away.
Except now the bad stuff is like quicksand beneath my feet, pulling me under, and my husband can’t rescue me from it.
The buzzer sounds, breaking the tight, strained air.
I go downstairs to collect the take-out order, but neither of us is hungry. I leave the containers on the table and go into the bedroom, closing the door. For a while, there is silence from the living room and then the sounds of a football game on TV.
Dean is gone by the time I haul myself out of bed the next morning after a sleepless night. I know he’s just gone to work, but for the first time ever I wonder what would happen if he didn’t come home.