CHAPTER EIGHT
DEAN
November 21
WHEN ARCHER AND I WERE KIDS, The Castle tree house was our fortress against everything bad. Pirates, monsters, evil aliens, robbers, comic-book villains. Most of the time we won the epic battles. Sometimes we didn’t.
Sometimes Archer got sucked into the lava pit encroaching from an exploding volcano. Sometimes I fell into a swamp of hungry crocodiles, or we both went down from laser gun blasts. Sometimes we fought against each other, but mostly we fought on the same side. Sometimes I saved him, or he saved me. Other times we couldn’t save each other.
But we always knew what the threat was. We could see it. Godzilla, a horde of zombies, stormtroopers, a mutated kraken, fire-breathing dragons. We knew how to defend ourselves, and we were always armed. We were always ready.
Always.
After the doctor’s appointment, Liv and I stop at the grocery store before picking Bella up from preschool and Nicholas from kindergarten. They’re both happy to see us, and Nicholas immediately launches into a recitation of everything he did that day, from having cupcakes for a fellow student’s birthday to mastering the monkey bars at recess. We return to the Butterfly House for the afternoon.
“Let’s have a picnic for dinner,” Liv says impulsively, after Nicholas has finished his homework. “It’s warm enough, and I’ll bet they’re serving hot chocolate at the park.”
“Awesome.” Nicholas does a victory jump and rushes to find his shoes.
Liv packs a picnic dinner, I load up the sports bag of balls and Frisbees, and we drive to Wizard’s Park to take advantage of the unseasonable warmth.
It’s a chilly but perfect evening—reddish clouds spreading over the sky, people dotting the grass, a soccer game in progress, wind drifting across the water. There’s a line of children in front of the hot chocolate stand.
We have a favorite spot near a bear topiary that overlooks the busy playground and the glistening expanse of the lake. I spread out the picnic blanket, while Liv takes the kids to the swings and jungle gym.
I watch them from a distance, keeping my gaze on Nicholas’s green sweatshirt and Bella’s purple coat amidst the crowd of children as they navigate the wooden bridge on the play structure and speed down the slide.
A sudden memory pushes forward of a time when Nicholas got so sick from the flu that he ended up in the emergency room. I’d thought at the time it would be the greatest terror I’d ever face.
But now there are countless terrors clawing through me.
“Hot chocolate after dinner,” Liv announces, approaching from the playground behind Bella and Nicholas. “My treat.”
She flops down beside me. A few strands of hair have escaped her ponytail and fall around her face.
I look away and rummage in the picnic basket for a chicken sandwich. I hand it to Liv, then unwrap peanut-butter sandwiches for the kids. We pass around grapes and potato chips, watching the activity of the park as we eat.
“Come on, Nick-Nack.” Liv rises to her feet and picks up the Frisbee. “If you win, you can have extra whipped cream on your hot chocolate.”
“Sweet!” Nicholas jumps to his feet and follows her a short distance away, where they start tossing the Frisbee back and forth.
Bella busies herself meticulously plucking grapes off the stem and arranging them into a pile. I watch her, struck anew by how much she looks like Liv, right down to the shape of her eyes. She’s like Liv in her strength too, her pursuit in getting what she wants, only Bella is more vocal and stubborn. Liv’s strength is quieter, but no less profound.
I turn my attention from my daughter to my wife. Liv is laughing, her ponytail flying behind her as she runs after the Frisbee.
She jumps to catch it, her beautiful body arching like a rainbow. She’s wearing yoga pants and a faded King’s University shirt that clings to her torso, outlining every curve. Her hips. Her rear. Her waist. Her breasts.
Her breasts. Her full, perfect, gorgeous breasts.
Pain and terror seize my chest, so hard that for a second I can’t breathe. The world darkens. Liv vanishes from my line of sight.
There’s a soft touch on my arm. My daughter’s voice filters through the dull roar in my ears. I inhale and focus on her. She’s holding out a fistful of grapes.
“Gapes, Daddy,” she announces.
“Thanks, honey.” I take a few grapes and rest my hand on her hair, trying to calm the sudden racing of my heart.
“He won.” Liv returns to us, her cheeks flushed with exertion and her eyes bright. “Extra whipped cream for Nicholas.”
“Me too,” Bella shouts.
“Of course.” Liv bends to pick Bella up and looks at me. “You, professor?”
“I’ll have some of yours.”
“Then I’d better get extra whipped cream too,” she says with a smile. “C’mon, kids. Order up.”
The three of them head for the hot chocolate stand. It’s so ordinary—a family of four having a picnic and hot chocolate in the park. How can something so normal feel so menacing?
“Hey, man.”
I glance up, lifting a hand to shade my eyes from the glare of the setting sun. Archer is standing in a shadow, his hands loosely on his hips.
“Saw you from the parking lot,” he says, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. “I’m meeting Kelsey for dinner at Azteca.”
“Good food there.”
“You just hanging out?”
“Yeah. Not a bad night for a picnic.” I nod to where Liv and the kids are standing in line. “And hot chocolate.”
“I’ll wait and say hi.” Archer glances at his watch. “I’m early anyway.”
He sits beside me. I fight the urge to move away. Archer and I have been on good terms the past few years, but we still don’t hang out much. And right now I don’t want him around.
I especially don’t want to talk to him. I can’t stand the thought that I might hint something is wrong. And if I give voice to this horror… even accidentally… then it’s out in the world. Then it’s real.
“How’s the fan club?” I ask, figuring that’s safe territory. “Kelsey up in arms about the groupies?”
“Nah, I think she likes the publicity it’s bringing to the show.” Archer helps himself to a few potato chips. “The marriage proposals are weird though.”
“You’re getting marriage proposals?”
“Yeah, from random women.” He shakes his head with a laugh. “Ironic that women I’ve never met want to marry me, but I still can’t get Kelsey to say yes.”
“You asked her again?”
“Not yet. I’ve been waiting all these years for her to bring it up, but she hasn’t.”
“Maybe she’ll come around now that you’re in such high demand.”
“Or maybe I need to fight for her instead of wait for her.” He scratches his head. “She’s a tough cookie. She does her best work when she’s challenged. Even provoked.”
I watch Liv as she turns to hand Nicholas a paper cup of cocoa. Her ponytail swings like a long, thick ribbon behind her. She’s challenged herself in countless ways over the years, and she’s fought battles that gave her a core of steel beneath her warm gentleness.
But this? Why the fuck would the universe put this on her? She doesn’t need another battle. She needs the life she’s created.
“I think it’s time for me to throw down the gauntlet,” my brother continues. “The Archey gauntlet.”
“Uncle Archer!” Nicholas hurries toward us, carefully balancing his cream-topped cup with one hand and waving at Archer with the other.
“Hey, slugger.” Archer and Nicholas exchange an elaborate series of fist-bumps before Archer picks up Bella for a hug. “Where’s my hot chocolate?”
With a generous sweep of her hand, Bella holds out her paper cup.
Archer obligingly takes a sip and gives Liv a grin. “Hey, you still need me to come check out that water pipe at the café?”
“Yes.” Liv groans dramatically and hands me a cup of hot chocolate. “It’s still leaking.”
“I can swing by around four tomorrow afternoon,” Archer offers.
“Great, I’ll be there. Just text me when you’re on the way.”
Archer spends a few minutes wrestling Nicholas and tickling Bella before he heads off to meet Kelsey.
Kelsey. We’ll have to tell her too. But I don’t want to tell anyone. I can’t even tell myself.
The sun sinks slowly, and when cold begins to snake through the air, we pack up and head home. Our bedtime routine is reassuringly normal—Nicholas and Bella run around in their pajamas, leaping off the bed and pretending they’re superheroes, while Liv and I cajole, order firmly, and finally threaten them with no TV tomorrow unless they get into bed.
I read to Nicholas while Liv reads to Bella, then we change places for a while before the kids finally drift off to sleep.
After their lights are out, I find Liv in the bedroom, pulling off her pants and T-shirt to change into her nightgown. Any other time, I’d stop to admire the sight of my wife standing there in her bra and panties, all soft and sexy.
But now I suddenly don’t know if it’s okay to watch her undress, to look at her body, to approach her for a kiss and fondle her breasts like I always have before.
I don’t know if it’ll ever be okay again.
Liv glances at me. A faint, unpleasant awkwardness crackles in the air. She picks up her nightgown and goes into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
No. No fucking way will she shut me out. I won’t let her. I won’t let it put a wall between us.
I change into a pair of pajama bottoms and a T-shirt, then sit on the bed and wait. The water runs in the bathroom. There’s a long stretch of silence before the door finally opens again.
Liv stops and looks at me without surprise, as if she knew I’d be waiting for her. She wraps her arms around her midriff, hugging herself.
“I can’t believe it,” she finally says.
My throat tightens. “Neither can I.”
“What am I going to do?”
I stand and cross the room to her. I take hold of her shoulders and pull her toward me. She stiffens for an instant before relaxing into me, pressing her face against my chest. I fold my arms around her. Hard.
“We are going to fight this together.” I lower my head close to her ear, breathing in her peaches-and-cream scent. “We are going to get you the best doctors, the best treatment, in the whole damned country. We are going to battle, and we are going to win.”
I pull back to gaze at her, taking hold of the sides of her head. I lift her face so she has to look at me. And though the fear and disbelief burning in her brown eyes cuts me in half, I manage to keep my voice even.
“We’re also going to bed together, just like we always do,” I tell her. “We’re going to wake up tomorrow morning, have breakfast with our children, get them off to school, and go to work. We’re going to kiss each other, laugh, complain, get stuff done, talk about our days, figure out what to do for dinner, watch TV, and read books.
“I’m going to squeeze your ass when the kids aren’t looking. We’re going to build Lego towers with Nicholas and paint pictures with Bella. We’re going to live exactly the way we always do because nothing… nothing… will ever change the fact that we’re a family with an incredibly blessed life to live. And that’s what we are going to keep doing.”
Liv looks at me for a long minute. The tightness in my throat eases a little. I brush my thumb against her lips.
“I love you,” she whispers.
“I love you, beauty.” My voice cracks. “With everything I am. With so much more than I am.”
Tears flood her eyes, a deluge she’s been fighting all day. A sob breaks from her throat—a strangled noise that scrapes me raw with pain. Liv grips my shirt, twisting the cotton in her fists. Her cheeks and neck dampen with an onslaught of tears that seems endless.
I sink to the floor, pulling her against me. Rage trembles in my blood, the violent start of an earthquake. I smother it, focusing on my wife in my arms, the scent of her hair, the press of her cheek against my chest.
I wrap myself around her, locking her against me with all my strength, as if I can stop this horror, protect her from it, make it go away. She’s shaking so hard. Tremors rack her body. Her anguished sobs twist inside me, cracking me apart.
I don’t often ask for things. I know how much I’ve been given. I know how fortunate I am. I know I don’t deserve more.
But she does.
This is Liv. The woman whose heart is made of everything good. The woman who believes in the power of cupcakes and the importance of lists. The woman who has the purity of a snowflake and the strength of steel.
Not her. Please not her. Not my beautiful, perfect Liv.
Please.
A sinister territory stretches in front of us. A land of monsters.
How do I fight? What are my weapons? How do I protect her?
I hold my wife tighter than I ever have before.