Chapter Thirteen
“My mother was bipolar. I didn’t know that’s what her illness was called until I was about eleven or so, when I was old enough to ask questions and do some research. Up until then all I knew was that sometimes Mom was happy and liked to do fun things, but other times she was very, very sad and didn’t get out of bed most days. As I got older, the sad times started taking her over more and more, until that’s all there was.”
Tessa paused to take a tiny sip of the brandy that Ian had insisted she drink. She’d never tried the stuff before, and while the first couple of sips had made her shudder, there was no denying that the undoubtedly expensive liquor was beginning to warm her up.
“Mom was a writer,” she continued. “She actually had several books published and the royalties she got helped support us for a while. Then she started falling deeper into depression and could barely function most days, much less write. And when she did try writing during her manic episodes, it was just a bunch of nonsense, nothing that made sense or that she could ever hope to have published.”
Tessa and Ian were sitting in his library, one of the coziest rooms in his house. He’d started a fire since she had felt chilled, and he was now sitting on the opposite end of the sofa, giving her the space she needed as she visibly struggled to tell him about her life.
“You never tried to find your father?” he inquired gently.
She shook her head. “There was really no place to even begin to do that. One of the few times in my mother’s life when she was actually lucid enough to talk about it, she admitted that I’d been conceived during an especially manic period of her life. The – the research I did later referred to it as hypersexuality. In other words, she slept with a lot of different men in a very short period of time. Any one of them could have been my father.”
Ian gave a brief nod. “And I’ll just assume she never bothered to learn any of their names?”
“Yes, you’d be correct with that assumption. So, no, there’s absolutely no chance of ever learning who my father is. It was just my mother and I, since she’d lost contact with all of her family as well.”
He touched her cheek softly. “Was there no one else then to help you, Tessa? No friends, neighbors, a doctor perhaps?”
“No. We moved around – a lot. When Mom got into one of her manic phases, she’d be full of all these plans, ideas for a new book, and most of those times she’d decide we had to move somewhere different so she could find inspiration. We lived all over the Southwest – Arizona, New Mexico, southern California, west Texas. We’d move at least once a year, sometimes as many as three or four times.”
He frowned. “That couldn’t have had a positive effect on your schooling.”
Tessa gave a bitter little laugh. “It was absolute hell, as one could imagine. I was always the new girl in class, having to play catch up with what all the other kids were learning. I was constantly getting used to a new teacher, a new book, a different way of learning. My grades suffered, and it was usually a struggle just to keep up. And my mother certainly wasn’t any help with studying or schoolwork. When she was manic she’d actually encourage me to skip school so that we could go out and have fun that day instead. And of course when she was down – well, she couldn’t even look after herself, much less take care of me.”
Ian gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. “I’m assuming that due to all your moving around that it was difficult to make friends. Is that why you had no one to help you?”
“Partly, yes. I was shy to begin with, so it took me a long time to make friends. And just when I’d finally begin to settle in, my mother would uproot us again and I’d have to start over. So there were never any long term friendships, people I could count on. And then, as I got older, I’d start hearing horrible stories about foster care, especially for kids my age. I was afraid that if I approached a teacher or a doctor and told them about my mother that they would separate us – that I’d wind up in foster care and my mother in some sort of mental institution. So I – I began to look after her as soon as I was old enough.”
“What?” Ian looked and sounded shocked. “How is that even possible, Tessa? How old were you?”
She shrugged. “Maybe seven or eight. When she was in one of her down phases, I’d try to get her to eat, encourage her to get up and about. I learned early on how to look after myself – fixing meals, getting to and from school, even doing the laundry. I was terrified someone would take me away, Ian. My mother might have been sick, but she was all I had.”
“Take another sip of your brandy, darling,” he urged. “I’m sure this all must be upsetting for you to relive.”
Tessa drank a bit more before continuing. “Things got tougher as I grew older and my mother got sicker. When she was manic she’d usually be able to find some sort of job – waitressing, a cashier, a hotel maid. There was never much money, barely enough to keep us going. But when she was down, she couldn’t work, basically just slept most of the day. We – we lived on welfare during those times, sometimes in homeless shelters, sometimes in our car.”
He visibly paled before drinking down the rest of his brandy. “My God, Tessa. To think of you in a place like that – being homeless. Christ, I want to wrap you up in my arms and never let go of you,” he told her fervently.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said softly. “It really wasn’t as bad as I know it must sound.”
“No, I’m guessing it was far worse and you’ll never admit to me just how bad it really was,” retorted Ian. “But I won’t press you for more details right now. Go on.”
Tessa began to twirl a lock of hair between her fingers, betraying her agitation. “As soon as I was old enough I got a job. Fortunately I matured early so I looked two or three years older than I really was. At thirteen I bluffed my way into working at a summer day camp. Some of the kids attending the camp were older than I was. Then I got after school jobs, mostly at fast food restaurants or shops at the mall.”
“Thirteen. Bloody hell, you were still a child.” He shoved a hand through his hair, mussing it, clearly displaying his distress. “But it’s beginning to sound like you never really were a child.”
“No, I wasn’t,” she agreed solemnly. “But at least I was able to earn enough to keep us out of homeless shelters. I worked one job after school and another on weekends. My schoolwork suffered even more, but I made sure to pick easier classes that I could keep up with. No calculus or chemistry for me, I’m afraid.”
Ian hauled her against his side, as though unable to keep from touching her a moment longer. “It doesn’t matter, love. You’re the brightest, most brilliant girl I’ve ever known.”
Tessa sighed. “I always felt stupid in school. Except in my computer classes. I knew early on that I wouldn’t even try to go to college, and instead worked on improving my computer skills so that I could get a good job. I had always figured on taking care of my mom, you see, hoped that once I graduated from high school and got a real job that I could finally get her some help, get her on the kind of medication that might allow her to have a normal life. But I ran out of time.”
She started to tremble then, finding the next part of her story the most difficult and painful. She took another fortifying sip of brandy, not even flinching from the burn this time.
“I had turned sixteen a few months earlier, but had only received my driver’s license two months before,” she continued. “By that time, my mother wasn’t even getting out of bed most days, much less driving the car. We were living in Tucson then, had moved there in January. It was October when it happened – on a Wednesday, of course. Because almost every bad thing that’s happened in my life has been on that day of the week.”
Tessa hid her face in her hands, struggling to find a way to resume her story. The next part of her tale was by far the most difficult, the most gut wrenching, but it had also been the catalyst that had set so many other things in motion.
She kept her eyes downcast and fought hard to prevent her voice from breaking. “When I was driving home that evening from work, I could smell the smoke in the air. I pulled up in front of our apartment building and it – it wasn’t there anymore. There had been a fire earlier in the day and the entire building was destroyed. When I got there a fire truck was still on site making sure the flames were under control.” She raised tear filled eyes to Ian, her jaw wobbly. “My mother – she didn’t make it out, Ian. Most other residents weren’t at home at the time, and the few who were heard the smoke detectors and got out. My mother – she was probably too deep inside her dark place to pay attention, probably didn’t even hear the alarms or the sirens or smell the smoke. She was – gone. Everything was gone – our furniture, our clothes, dishes. All I had left were the clothes I was wearing, my purse and school books, and the car.”
Tears were running freely down her cheeks now as she whispered in a broken voice. “I should have been there with her. I knew how bad off she was, how far into the darkness she’d fallen. I could have saved her, could have - ”
“Stop it.” He crushed her against him, lowering her head to his shoulder and holding her while she wept. “Hush, love. Don’t do this to yourself. I’m guessing you’ve blamed yourself for years, but it wasn’t your fault. Your mother was very ill from the sounds of it, and you were at work when the fire started. Working to help take care of her, I might add. So stop feeling responsible, Tessa. It was just a terrible accident.”
Ian continued to rock her gently in his arms, as though she were a child, until her sobs began to subside and she was calm enough to continue telling her story. She didn’t resist when he refilled her brandy glass, and obediently took a swallow.
“So what happened to you after that?” he prodded gently. “You were what – sixteen? Were you forced into one of those foster homes you had heard awful things about?”
Tessa shook her head. “No. There was a Red Cross volunteer on site the night of the fire, and she arranged for most of the residents to stay in a motel for a few days. It was pretty confusing that night so no one really bothered to ask how old I was or anything. I stayed in the motel for a week, and the Red Cross arranged for vouchers for stuff like food and clothes. But I knew it would only be a matter of days before someone figured out I was underage and had nowhere to go. One of the girls I worked with on the weekends – Michelle – heard about what happened and convinced her mother to let me stay with them. Michelle was one of the few friends I had, though I didn’t know her all that well since we went to different high schools. But she’d always been nice to me, and I was desperate at that point, so I agreed.”
“Go on,” encouraged Ian. “What happened then?”
“I moved in with Michelle, her mother and younger sister. Her mother didn’t seem all that happy to have me there at first, but when she learned she’d get a monthly foster care check that made things a little better. But it was – well, kind of a nightmare living there. The three of them fought constantly – screaming matches, name calling, horrible, awful fights – and they seemed to happen almost every day.” Tessa gave a little shudder. “As sick as my own mother was, she never once yelled at me or called me the sort of terrible names Michelle’s mom used. But I wasn’t even at the house all that much between school and two jobs, and it was better than being homeless.”
“So you stayed there until you turned eighteen?”
“No.” She gave another shake of her head. “I stayed there for just a few months, until Michelle’s older sister moved back home. Along with her boyfriend and their two small children. Both of them had lost their jobs, been evicted from their apartment, and had no money. So all of a sudden the house – which only had three bedrooms – went from having four people living there to eight. And what had been a nightmare for me became a living hell. Now there were five adults all fighting with each other, plus two screaming kids. Michelle and I had to move out of her bedroom so her sister and her family could use it. I wound up sleeping on the floor of the room Michelle had to share with her younger sister. Even then I kept telling myself it was better than living in my car.”
The expression on Ian’s face had become deadly serious, his mouth a grimace. “I’m going to assume that wasn’t precisely the case, though.”
“It wasn’t. The sister’s boyfriend – he was – a real creep, no other way to put it. My skin would crawl from just being in the same room with him, so I made sure I avoided him like the plague. Unfortunately, he was – attracted to me, made some very unwanted advances, said some really disgusting things to me. I was on the verge of leaving the house for good just so I wouldn’t have to see him again.”
Ian made a low, snarling sound. “If you’re about to tell me that piece of filth touched you - or worse- I swear that I will hunt him down like the animal he is and beat him to death.”
She laid a hand on his arm, soothing his barely controlled rage. “No. It never got that far. But Michelle’s sister overheard some of the stuff the creep said to me, and she went a little crazy, accusing me of trying to steal him away. Her mother got involved and took her daughter’s side, then basically told me to get out because I was disrupting the household and I couldn’t stay any longer. Michelle tried sticking up for me, but her mother threatened to toss her out, too, so I just left. Believe me, sleeping in my car was an improvement over having to live in those conditions one more day.”
Ian shut his eyes, and didn’t speak for several seconds, almost as though he were silently counting to ten to keep his rage in check. “Christ. You actually slept in your car, Tessa? There was nowhere else for you to go? Wouldn’t a foster home – no matter how awful – have been a better solution?”
“I truly didn’t think so at the time, no,” she replied honestly. “I’d read some real horror stories and talked to kids at my school about the kind of homes teenagers were usually placed in – mostly group homes where you lived with recovering addicts or kids just out of juvenile detention. There were other stories, too, about girls who’d been raped or abused. I decided to take my chances on my own.”
He ran a hand down his face, as if unable to believe what he was hearing. “How did you manage? I mean - ”
“The school term was still going on so I was able to use the showers in the gym during the week. Weekends I had to – er, improvise some. I did laundry at a laundromat. I qualified for free school lunches and made that my main meal, and just ate what I could afford the rest of the time. I made sure I moved my car around a lot when I parked for the night so I wouldn’t look suspicious always staying in the same neighborhood. And I always parked in good areas that were well lit. The weather in Tucson is pretty warm all year round so being cold at night was never an issue.”
“God.” He surged to his feet and began to pace around the library. His entire body was tense and almost shaking, and he kept clenching and unclenching his fists, as though he longed to hit something.
“If it’s any consolation,” she told him meekly, “I only lived that way for about four months.”
He spun around to face her, his handsome face livid with rage. “Four hours would have been too long for you to live like that. I feel – sick, Tessa. Bloody sick at the thought of you all alone and helpless. Jesus, anything could have happened to you out there. You could have been raped, robbed, murdered.”
“I know,” she admitted reluctantly. “I never slept especially well those months, was always cautious to make sure no one bothered me.”
“What changed after those hellish months?” he rasped. “Please, for God’s sake, tell me things got better after that.”
“They did. And what happened after that was Peter. My hus – my ex-husband. He – well, there’s really no other way to say this. He saved me, Ian. In more ways than you can possibly imagine.”
Ian refilled his brandy snifter and drank half the contents in one gulp. ”Continue, Tessa. I’m sorry if I seem upset but – Christ, to think of you all alone that way.” His voice trailed off as he shuddered.
“It’s okay, honestly.” Tessa found it a bit odd that she was the one offering him comfort under the circumstances. But then, she already knew how the story ended.
“I’d known Peter for a little over a year,” she related. “He and I both worked at Old Navy after school. Well, saying I knew him might have been a stretch. I knew his name, said hello in passing, and spoke to him on occasion when I had a question about something in his department. He was quiet, like me, and very introverted. A real loner.” She was relieved to notice that Ian had stopped his frantic pacing and seemed calmer.
“Because our shifts at the store didn’t end until late, we usually walked out to our cars together. It wasn’t something he ever offered to do, it just sort of evolved into that. Anyway, one night we got out to our cars and mine had been broken into. Fortunately, anything of value I had was in my purse which I had taken with me so nothing was stolen. But, well, it was all just too much for me to take and I started crying. And of course, it happened to be another Wednesday.”
“So Peter – he helped you?”
“He did.” She nodded in assent. “We stopped somewhere for coffee and I told him everything that had happened in the last few months – the fire, living at Michelle’s, sleeping in my car. He didn’t say much, but told me to follow him when we left. We wound up at his house. The house itself was in pretty bad shape, but it was on a big corner lot and there was some space in the back that was sheltered where he told me I could park every night. He figured it would be safer there and he could keep an eye on me.”
Ian was still frowning. “Why didn’t he just invite you inside?”
“Because if my life had been difficult, Peter’s had been one of constant torment. His mother was a chronic drunk, a really horrible woman, and he refused to even let me meet her, told me I didn’t need any other negative experiences in my life. He’d sneak me inside when she left the house or was passed out drunk so I could use the shower or bathroom, would bring me food and just sort of look out for me. It wasn’t perfect but at least I felt a little safer and not quite so alone.”
He leaned back against a low table that held a marble chess set, his feet crossed at the ankles as he sipped his brandy. “And how long did this new arrangement last?”
“Just a few months. Until Peter graduated from high school and turned eighteen.”
Ian raised a brow. “What happened then?”
“He married me.”
***
Ian was damned glad he hadn’t chosen that particular moment to take a sip of brandy because he most certainly would have choked on it. When Tessa had told him rather uncertainly at the restaurant that she wanted to tell him about her past, nothing in the world could have prepared him for all of the terrible things that had befallen her in her relatively short life thus far. But this latest revelation – while certainly not terrible – might have been the biggest shock of them all.
He stared at her in disbelief. “So exactly how old were you when this marriage took place?”
Tessa looked down at her lap where she was clasping and unclasping her hands in agitation. “Seventeen,” she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Seventeen. Why, Tessa? Why couldn’t you have waited until you were a little older? Were the two of you that much in love?”
Her gaze flew up to meet his at this question, and she shook her head in denial. “That – that’s not it at all. We rushed to get married as soon as possible so that Peter – so that he could be legally responsible for me. The social worker assigned to my case finally figured out that I wasn’t living at Michelle’s any longer – even though her mother kept cashing the support checks. So Peter offered to get married in order to – well - ”
“To save you. Yes, I understand now.” Ian heaved a sigh. “So you didn’t marry for the usual reasons, then?”
“We weren’t madly in love, if that’s what you mean. Peter was kind to me, we became best friends, but it was never a romantic relationship. And we never intended to stay married. Peter had always planned to pack up and leave Tucson as soon as he turned eighteen – too many awful memories there for him. But he stayed – for me – first so I could finish high school, turn eighteen and be considered a legal adult.”
“And yet you remained married for quite a long time after that.” His curiosity was growing by leaps and bounds.
“Yes.” She took another sip of her brandy. “Peter enrolled in community college that first year and we moved into a shared rental. That was another disaster. We were in such a hurry to find a place that we could afford that we didn’t bother to find out much about our roommates.” She managed a small smile. “You know how you told me your favorite movie is Animal House?”
Ian nodded, quite certain he wasn’t going to like where her question was leading. “You aren’t going to tell me your roommates were like the characters in the movie, are you?”
“Worse. It was the nonstop party house, people coming and going constantly, no privacy, everyone helping themselves to food and things that Peter and I bought for ourselves. We ended up stashing things in our room, buying a padlock for the door, and spending as little time as possible there. We’d signed a lease for a year, couldn’t afford to break it, and didn’t have enough money saved to put down on another place anyway.”
“So you toughed it out for a year?”
Tessa wrinkled her nose in distaste. “Somehow, yes. We each worked two jobs, took a third over summer break, and saved every penny until we had enough to get a little place of our own the following year.”
“Why did you stay together after that first year? What changed?”
She heaved a little sigh. “Peter felt responsible for me, even though he had no real obligation. He told me he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself leaving town knowing I‘d be trying to fend for myself with no money, no real marketable job skills, no family to help out. So we decided I’d enroll in the office technology program at community college and get my certificate. He agreed to stay in town for the two years of the program, until I could get a good enough job to support myself. In the meanwhile, he received a scholarship to the University of Arizona and decided he might as well get his degree to have something to fall back on if his journalism career didn’t work out.”
“So you remained married another year so you could help him finish his degree?”
“That’s it exactly,” she agreed. “By then, we’d been married for four years and – well, we’d just grown used to being together, I suppose. When Peter got the job offer up here in San Francisco, I transferred, too. I didn’t have especially fond memories of Tucson so I welcomed the opportunity to leave.”
Ian offered up a brief smile. “Just about the only good thing to come out of this whole mess, wasn’t it? Your ex-husband’s job brought you into my life – even though I’ve had to wait an eternity for you.”
Tessa returned his smile a bit timidly. “Yes, that was a good thing as it turned out. And I do love San Francisco. It’s very different from any other place I’ve lived.”
“You’re leaving out the final piece to this puzzle, Tessa. Why did Peter ask you for a divorce after so many years – how many was it?”
“Seven. We’d been married a little over seven years when he got the job in the Middle East. I wanted to go with him, but he set his foot down. Told me it was time we stopped fooling ourselves that we could ever have a normal marriage, that it was time for me to finally start living.”
Ian looked perplexed, even as he took a seat next to her on the sofa. “What exactly does that mean? I know you said you didn’t get married for the usual reasons, but surely after seven years - ”
“No. We never had a truly romantic marriage, or anything remotely near a normal relationship. Peter – he had a lot of issues. He only told me part of what happened to him but – well, he was badly abused as a boy and never really dealt with those issues.”
“The alcoholic mother, I presume?”
Tessa had a sad look on her face. “Unfortunately, she was only the tip of the iceberg. His father left them when Peter was about six, but evidently he’d been violent towards both of them. But the real problems began when his mother’s younger brother moved in. He – he was a pedophile, Ian, and abused Peter for years – sexually abused him.”
He was slowly starting to see where this sad tale was leading. “That’s terrible, darling. His mother did nothing to help?”
“She didn’t believe him, called him a liar and a troublemaker. Apparently, she depended on her brother to help with expenses so she turned a blind eye to what the bastard was doing to Peter. The abuse went on for several years until the uncle got caught trying to molest another child and was shipped off to prison.”
Ian’s jaw clenched in anger. “A fitting place for the scum of the earth like him. I assume he’s still rotting away there?”
“Most likely, yes. But that wasn’t much consolation to Peter, considering the damage that had been done. Peter had great difficulty being intimate. We were married for almost three years before we finally managed to have sex. And it was never easy for him. He – he couldn’t really bear being touched, especially in a sexual way.”
He stroked her hair lightly. “That must have been difficult for both of you. You’re such an affectionate little thing, Tessa. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you.”
“Peter used to tell me that I should – oh, God, this is embarrassing.” She took a deep breath. “When he wasn’t able to – um - ”
“Get an erection?” he supplied.
Tessa’s cheeks flushed as she gave a short nod. “Yes. He, uh, had a lot of difficulty with that or with, um, keeping one long enough to - ”
“It’s all right, love,” he assured her. “I get the idea. So I assume that you two didn’t – weren’t intimate very often?”
“No, we weren’t. I got to a point where I didn’t want to pressure him, or make him feel worse. As it was, he used to actually suggest I find someone else, another lover, someone who could – well, take care of me that way.”
Ian took her into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I know without having to ask that you never even considered that idea. No matter what the state of your marriage I don’t think you’d have it in you to be unfaithful. With Peter’s permission or not.”
“You’re right. I never even gave it a serious thought. Normal marriage or not, I always thought of Peter as my husband as well as my best friend. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had done something like that.”
He eased her head onto his shoulder, still stroking her hair. “So he decided to set you free after all that time. He knew that he could never give you what you needed and that you’d never cheat on him. After all the good deeds he did for you, Tessa, the last might have been the kindest one of all.”
“I didn’t get that at first,” she admitted. “All I could think about for the first couple of months was how alone I was. And of how terrified I was that I’d become like my mother.”
Her last confession startled him anew, and he tipped her chin up. “What in the world are you talking about, Tessa? Why are you afraid of something like that? Mental illness isn’t hereditary.”
“I know that. And I’ve never had a manic episode like she did, nothing like that. But – the other – the darkness. Sometimes it gets so hard, Ian. I have to fight it off, to keep myself from falling under like she did. When Peter left – and all the times before when he’d be away for weeks at a time on assignments – I’d have to force myself to keep going, to not let the depression take me over.”
Tessa was weeping quietly, and he felt like his heart would shatter into a thousand pieces at the sound. He cuddled her close, knowing how she liked that, and tried not to feel helpless as he soothed her.
“Tessa, darling, it’s hardly a surprise that you’d feel sad and, yes, depressed at times. My God, what you’ve had to endure in your life – most people never experience even a fraction of those sorts of hardships.” He kissed her softly, tenderly. “You might think you’re weak, or not especially bright, but to me you’re the strongest, smartest, most capable person I’ve ever known. I am in complete awe of you, love.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and snuggled a little closer. “Thank you,” she whispered. “For listening to me and understanding.”
“I will always be here for you, Tessa,” he told her earnestly. “You’re never going to be alone again. Or frightened. And definitely not homeless. I can’t even process that idea yet – it makes me want to hit something when I think about it. But you can be damned certain nothing or no one is ever going to hurt you again, so long as I’m alive and kicking.”
She fell asleep in his arms not long afterwards, emotionally exhausted from everything she’d just told him. He carried her upstairs to his room and undressed her carefully, leaving her clad only in the black lace bra and panties she’d obviously worn to please him. But as beautiful and tempting as she was, he kept his libido in check, for this was not a night for amorous activity. Not when she was so vulnerable, so in need of comfort and support. Instead, he covered her with the duvet, brushing her hair back with a tender hand, before returning to the library.
It was a long time and two more snifters of brandy later before he felt the least bit sleepy. What Tessa had just told him – the sad picture she’d drawn for him of her life – made him feel sick at heart when he tried to imagine how lost and lonely she’d been. Unbidden, images of her at various points in her life flitted through his mind – one of a small, innocent child left to fend for herself while her mother was too deeply mired in depression to even get out of bed; the next of a shy, lonely adolescent girl beginning her first day at what was her third new school that year, desperately trying to catch up with the lessons; and the last – and most disturbing image – that of a teenaged Tessa, alone and forced to sleep in her car because she had no family or friends to take her in.
And yet she’d come through all of that without any obvious emotional scars, save for the shyness she still exhibited and her fear of succumbing to the dark depression that had ultimately been responsible for her mother’s death. She had taken the required steps to acquire a good job, to support herself and make certain she would never again be a victim of poverty. And throughout the telling of her story, Tessa had never once complained about the lot life had dealt her, or expected sympathy because of it. It was remarkable, really, what she and her soon-to-be ex-husband had made of themselves, given their unfortunate upbringings. From what he’d surmised, Tessa and Peter had both worked hard to support themselves with multiple jobs and had lived a very frugal lifestyle.
And learning about the abuse Peter had suffered as a boy, and the subsequent effect it had had on his relationship with Tessa explained quite a bit. Peter’s seeming inability to be intimate with his gorgeous young wife made it clear to Ian why Tessa was so inexperienced sexually.
‘Christ,’ he thought in some amusement, ‘she’s practically a virgin, mate.’
He felt nothing but empathy for what Peter had suffered, and great appreciation for how the boy had helped out an innocent young girl, but he was also selfish enough to feel elation that he – and not Tessa’s ex – would be the one to bring her true sexual fulfillment.
Ian finished the last of his brandy, made sure the fire was doused, and went upstairs to bed. Tessa was sleeping peacefully, her cheeks flushed becomingly as he undressed and slid into bed beside her. And as she turned towards him automatically in her sleep, his heart sang with the joy of finally having her exactly where he’d always dreamed of for so long.
***
Tessa’s hands were a little unsteady as she unlocked the door to her apartment. She’d rather foolishly hoped that Ian would agree to just drop her off and not expect to come inside, but she really ought to have known better. Ever since she’d told him about her past last night, he’d seemed extra protective, even more solicitous of her, and when she’d told him just now that he really didn’t have to see her inside the look he had given her was almost scathing.
“Don’t be silly,” he’d told her firmly. “Tessa, after hearing how you’ve had to struggle for so many years I’m not expecting that you’ll be living in a penthouse somewhere.”
But she honestly didn’t think he had any idea of just how humble her tiny apartment was. Ian was used to Georgian brick mansions and Tuscan villas and staying in the owners suites of luxury hotels. Not a dark, poorly insulated and shabby little set of rooms inside an old building located in a not so nice part of the city.
Tessa offered up a silent thanks that at the very least the place was as clean and tidy as possible. After the shocking turn of events in Ian’s office last Thursday evening – which now seemed as though it had happened three months ago as opposed to a mere three nights – she’d been so rattled and unable to sleep that she had cleaned the entire apartment from top to bottom.
But no amount of cleaning or tidying could hide the fact that the apartment was cramped, with scuffed wood floors, only one window that let in filtered light, and a rather odd assortment of mismatched furniture that she and Peter had acquired from a variety of sources over the years – garage sales, thrift shops, ready-to-assemble pieces, and even things that had been left in front yards with a FREE sign attached to them. The apartment couldn’t have been any different from Ian’s own splendid, elegant home and Tessa was very uncomfortable having him here.
He was silent and unsmiling as he walked inside, his big, broad-shouldered body dwarfing the place and making it seem even tinier than usual. She knew that steely-eyed gaze of his that never missed a trick would be quick to pick up on the cheap furniture, lack of space, and the cracks in the wall. If he had been even two inches taller his head would have brushed against the low ceiling.
“When is your lease on this place up?” he asked briskly.
She tried to interpret the rather closed-off expression on his face but quickly gave up and answered him. “In April. Peter’s been sending me a little money every month to help with the rent, but I’ll need to find something more affordable very soon.”
Ian frowned. “What’s the rent?”
Tessa told him and didn’t miss his startled reaction. “I know it sounds like a lot for such a small place but, well, that’s what rents are like in San Francisco these days.”
“I’ll pay off the lease for you,” he offered abruptly. “I don’t have my checkbook with me but I can bring a check to your landlord tomorrow. I don’t want you staying here even one more night, Tessa.”
She shook her head. “I can’t let you do that, Ian. Not that I don’t appreciate the thought but – I just can’t. Until we’re ready for me to travel with you and work as we discussed, I have to earn my own way.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he scoffed. “You can still keep working until you decide it’s time to give notice – which I trust will be much sooner than later. That’s not a valid reason why you can’t move in with me right away. If you’re concerned someone will see us arriving at work together, I can arrange for a separate driver for you or just get a taxi to take you to the office.”
Tessa laid a hand on his arm gently. “No, Ian. This needs to be on my terms – please? I’m not ready for that – to just move in with you so quickly. You’ve told me more than once that you don’t want to overwhelm me. So – don’t. Please.”
“God, I’m sorry, darling.” He swiftly took her into his arms. “You’re absolutely right. I told you that I wanted to indulge but never control you and I meant every word. I’m just so anxious to have you with me all the time. Especially after seeing this neighborhood you live in. Forgive me, but there were a few too many unsavory characters we passed on these last few blocks for me not to fear for your safety.”
“I know.” She rubbed his back as if to reassure him. “But I always lock my doors, never go out at night alone, and keep aware of what’s going on. The building even has its own laundry room so I don’t have to go out for that.”
“It’s not just the area.” He waved a hand around the room. “This place – I’m sorry, Tessa, but it’s just – depressing. There’s a crack in the ceiling, mold in the corner, a draft coming in through the window. I intend for you to live like a princess from now on, not a peasant or a pauper.”
Tessa shrugged. “I know it’s not much but it’s actually a lot better than some places I lived in with my mother. We had some pretty awful living conditions over the years. If you think this place is bad, you’d really want to start hitting something if you could see some of the others.”
He ran a hand through his hair in agitation. “Christ, I’m going to have nightmares about that, I swear. Every time I let myself imagine what it was like for you - ”
“Then don’t,” she admonished. “Let’s start forgetting about my past and focus on the future. I – I just need a little time, Ian. Okay? I mean, just a few days ago you were my boss – only my boss – and I had zero idea that you even thought of me in that way. And now you want me to move in with you and travel everywhere and take care of me. I mean, it all sounds like some sort of wonderful fantastic dream but, well, my head is kind of spinning when I try to take it all in.”
“Shh.” He lowered her head to his shoulder. “You’re right, of course you are. I’m just so used to being in complete control of everything around me that I need to step back just a bit and give you a little space.”
Tessa nodded. “It’s just – ever since Peter left I’ve been completely on my own for the first time in years. Even when my mother was at her sickest, in her deepest depression, I could still tell myself I wasn’t alone, could fool myself into believing that she’d come through for me if I really needed her. And then when Peter offered to marry me so I wouldn’t have to go into foster care- well, it was easy to just depend on him after that. I got too complacent, letting him handle the finances and make most of the decisions. It just felt good to let someone else take care of me for a change.”
“That’s completely understandable,” he soothed her. “In fact, it seems like a very natural reaction given all of the hardships you’d endured over the years.”
“When Peter moved out in September, it left this huge hole in my life. I had to start figuring out how to rely on myself again, and not to depend on another person. I’ve just really started to do that, Ian. And as much as I want to be with you, I’m not sure I should be letting myself depend so completely on someone else.”
Ian clasped her face between his hands almost desperately. “I am not letting you go, Tessa,” he bit out harshly. “If it’s space you need for a while, I’ll give it to you, even if it means leaving you in this place for a time. But I’ll do whatever I have to in order to keep you with me in the long term.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she murmured, sliding her hands over his. “I want to be with you, too, more than anything. But I don’t want to feel weak or helpless again, or worry that I can’t look out for myself if necessary. Can you understand that?”
He touched his lips to her forehead. “Of course I can. And with that thought in mind, let me offer you a different alternative. If you’d rather, Tessa, you could go back to school, earn your college degree. I’d still want you to live with me, but if it made you happy I’d gladly support you going to college. Even if it meant I couldn’t have you traveling with me like we discussed. At least you’d have the security of that degree, knowing that you could always fall back on it to get a job if necessary.”
She was touched by his offer, and placed a hand on his chest. “Thank you, Ian. I’m not sure if that’s what I want but it’s nice to know I have the option. I’ll give it some thought. And I will move in with you, sooner than later. I just need a little time to process all of this. Is that – is it okay?”
He gave her a bone-crushing hug. “It’s more than okay, love. And if I start acting too domineering I want you to promise you’ll tell me, hmm?”
Tessa smirked. “You mean like earlier today when you got upset about the clothes?”
Ian had the good graces to look properly chagrined and nodded reluctantly. “Yes, damn it, like that.”
After dinner at a very good Japanese restaurant where they’d shared sushi and sake, they had stopped at Ian’s house in order for Tessa to pick up her things. And had promptly become engaged in what had threatened to become their first real argument.
At issue was the clothing and other things he’d bought her, things he’d fully expected her to take to her apartment and use. After all, he’d explained, he intended on buying her a great deal more, with or without her approval, so she might as well make use of the items he’d already purchased.
“But I can’t wear any of these things to the office,” she’d explained gently. “Gina and Alicia and the others would recognize these labels – especially the red soles on those Louboutins – from the other side of the room and wonder how I was able to afford them. If we’re going to keep things discreet between us at work, no one can suspect I have a new man in my life. Especially not one who can afford to buy me a seven hundred dollar skirt or a three hundred dollar blouse.”
Ian had scowled. “I thought I’d cut off all those bloody price tags. And I wanted you to have some nice things for the office, darling. Not to mention,” he’d added with a wink, “I owe you a blouse since you ruined one of yours on Thursday. Thank God for leaky printer cartridges. Otherwise, I’d still be in the very beginning stages of the extremely involved plan I had to seduce you. That faulty cartridge sped up my game plan by at least three months.”
They’d argued back and forth a bit longer, until he’d rather sullenly agreed with her reasoning. He was somewhat mollified when she consented to take the lingerie, loungewear and toiletries he’d bought, reasoning that no one would be able to tell what she was wearing underneath her clothes, or determine what brand of shampoo she’d used.
Ian had growled. “You’re damned right no one else is going to see those skimpy bits you’ve got on beneath your clothes. Especially that bra you have on right now. Christ, it makes your tits look even bigger than they are. Or like they’re going to fall out of the cups if you breathe the wrong way.”
Tessa had giggled, despite the stormy expression on his face. “Should I remind you that you were the one who bought it for me?”
He had pulled her into his arms, his good humor restored. “Perhaps we should just let you try everything on before we buy more things. Mmm, my very own private fashion show, with you as the only model. Remind me to call Marlene and set that up.”
But as they walked down to the garage to get into Ian’s imposing black Range Rover – one of four vehicles he owned – he’d become pissy all over again, this time due to the old, well-worn raincoat that Tessa had been buttoning up.
He’d glared evilly at the coat. “You really have to wear that bloody thing? Do you have any idea how much I hate the sight of that particular garment?”
Tessa had fiddled with one of the buttons. “I’m sorry if it offends you, but aside from a couple of sweaters and an old sweatshirt it’s the only outerwear I own. Not counting the three thousand dollar cashmere coat you just bought me. Or that cute leather bomber jacket that cost - ”
He’d placed a hand over her mouth, cutting her off. “I get the picture. You can’t walk into the office decked out in designer garb or that coven of witches you work with will suspect you’ve got a rich sugar daddy taking care of you.” He’d rubbed her back comfortingly. “I just hate to see you having to wear the same things week after week, love. I want to lavish all the beautiful clothes and shoes and jewels you never had before on you. But I know I have to be patient. You’re trying to be the sensible one here, and I’m overreacting.”
“It’s all right,” she’d told him with a kiss. “I understand how you feel, even though labels or designers don’t matter in the least to me. It’s you I want, Ian, not the things you can give me.”
He’d pulled her into his arms at that point, kissing her hard. “God, I really hit the jackpot when I found you, didn’t I?” he’d murmured.
Tessa had thought the subject of her coat closed until he’d pulled out of the garage.
Ian had glanced over and given the coat one final grimace. “You can keep it for now, but mark my words. The day you move in with me permanently and quit your job, we’re having an official raincoat burning party. And I get to do the honors of tossing the damned thing into the fire.”