Chapter Three
Ian cursed softly as he tried for perhaps the fifth time to concentrate on the report in front of him. He’d had a ridiculous amount of work that needed to get done today, starting with the speaking engagement first thing this morning, and due to wind up with a business dinner this evening. In between, he’d had reports like this one to review, phone calls to return, employees to meet with, and plans to make for an upcoming trip to visit several of the properties in his region.
But it was as if all of his brain function had become stuck in quicksand ever since the all-too-brief encounter with the constant object of his desire – Tessa.
He shut his eyes, rubbing at a tense spot at the back of his neck. Christ, what a muddled-up mess this entire situation was with the woman he’d become positively obsessed with over the past two years. Ian thought rather sourly at times that he ought to have followed his instincts the first time he’d seen her, and arranged for a swift transfer to another department where he wouldn’t have to see her every day. It might not have completely stopped his infatuation with her, but he would have had an easier time of it day to day.
But he’d been too weak – or too kind, not wanting to hurt the girl’s feelings – and as a result had condemned himself to the hell of having to see his golden girl every day and know she was not his to claim.
He’d tried to fight his attraction to her, of course, using a variety of methods – none of which had worked. Ian had dated a string of beautiful, desirable women until he’d realized that none of them interested him in the least. He kept his distance from Tessa as much as possible, relying on Andrew to delegate assignments to her. And he had made it quite clear to Andrew that he did not want Tessa filling in as his PA whenever Andrew was out of the office. Passing by her cubicle en route to and from his office was one thing – it would be beyond the limits of even his ironclad control to have her sitting directly outside his office for hours and days at a time.
Ian was quite sure that his very perceptive PA knew of – or at least strongly suspected – his attraction to Tessa. He knew that he’d given Andrew more than adequate cause for such suspicions and really only had himself to blame. In addition to his refusal to have Tessa work as his fill-in PA, Ian had also given Andrew very strict instructions to do whatever was necessary to keep that bastard Jason away from her. Fortunately, Andrew took his duties very seriously and he’d done an admirable job at subtly looking out for Tessa. However, Andrew would also be well aware that his boss had never asked him to keep a watch over any of the other female employees on this floor before, and Ian would be shocked if the sharp as a tack PA wasn’t supremely confident that his boss lusted after the beautiful Tessa something fierce. But Andrew was also wise enough to not so much as hint at the idea. The two men did not discuss personal issues, and Ian knew very little about what Andrew did after hours. Ian did know that Andrew had a longtime girlfriend, disputing the rumors floating around the office that he was gay, and that he originated from Seattle. Beyond that, much of Andrew’s life was a mystery.
Ian was usually able to keep his attraction towards Tessa well under wraps, never betraying even a hint of it to anyone. But today he’d come perilously close to letting her know just how much desired her, to dragging her into his arms and kissing her senseless. For starters.
She was wearing one of his favorite dresses today – the pale peach one with tiny white polka dots, belted at the waist, and a pleated skirt that fell to just above the knee. The silky fabric clung lovingly to her ripe breasts, the belt nipping in at her small waist, and the skirt draping softly over her gently curving hips. The color flattered her creamy skin and golden hair, and she looked as delicious as a sweet, juicy peach.
He was quite familiar, in fact, with nearly all of her outfits, especially since her wardrobe was anything but extensive. He’d overheard those two little cats – Gina and Alicia – make fun of Tessa’s inexpensive, limited array of clothing behind her back, and he’d longed to sternly admonish the nasty little gossips.
He also longed to shower Tessa with all of the things she had to do without – dress her in beautiful, expensive clothes and shoes; buy her fabulous jewelry; make sure she was as pampered and indulged as a princess; protect and spoil her to her hearts content. He wanted her with him constantly – living in his home, sleeping in his bed, traveling with him wherever and whenever he had to go. But, instead, he continued to experience the frustration of not being able to betray his feelings for her – not while she was still a married woman.
Ian had been more than a little surprised when he’d met Peter Lockwood for the first – and only – time at last year’s office Christmas party. Given that Tessa was such a knockout, he’d fully expected her husband to be a tall, well-built and equally good-looking young man. Instead, Peter had been a bit shorter than his wife, boyishly slim, and no more than average looking. It had been very obvious that he was uncomfortable at such a formal event, and certainly not used to dressing up. As Ian recalled, Peter had worn ill-fitting, mismatched trousers and jacket, a wrinkled shirt and skinny tie. His light brown hair had been on the longish side, secured back in a short ponytail, and one of his ears had been pierced.
Tessa’s husband had been so completely unlike what Ian had imagined him to look like that it had been a struggle to contain his shock when she had briefly introduced them. Still, Tessa had seemed entirely devoted to him, sticking to his side like glue, and listening intently to his every word.
Ian had been almost overwhelmed with jealousy that night, and he’d had more to drink than was usual for him. But no amount of alcohol had dimmed the empty ache in his heart as he’d watched Tessa hold hands or link arms with Peter. He’d been consumed with envy over a pale, skinny boy who had somehow managed to claim the most beautiful girl Ian had ever seen.
That was the only time he’d ever seen Tessa’s husband, and he had learned from Andrew that Peter was out of the country a great deal for his job. Ian thought passionately that if Tessa was his there was no way in hell he’d leave her alone for even two or three days, much less weeks.
His traitorous thoughts refused to let go of the memory of how it had felt – albeit very briefly – to have her lush body pressed up against his earlier today. His arm still burned from where one round, firm breast had been crushed against it. If he closed his eyes he could still feel the warm, silky skin of her arm where his hand had wrapped around it to steady her. He could smell the delicate, barely perceptible scent of her perfume or soap, a light, fleeting fragrance and not some overpoweringly strong odor. He’d been close enough to notice the charming blush on her cheeks, the wide roundness of her china blue eyes, and the way that decadently full mouth had trembled slightly. He didn’t know if she was physically attracted to him, or simply terrified, but she had definitely been aware. The knowledge of her reaction to him had given him a least a small measure of satisfaction.
‘What an ass you are, mate,’ he chastised himself. ‘So pathetically grateful for any imagined little reaction from her. You’re ten times worse than a schoolgirl with a mad crush on her favorite movie star. And just as hopeless.’
***
The feeling that something bad was going to happen had gradually subsided as the day went on, and by the time Tessa got off the bus two blocks from her apartment, she was very nearly convinced that her premonitions had been all wrong. This was in spite of the fact that she hadn’t received any sort of text or phone message from Peter confirming that he’d arrived home safely. She had reasoned that oddity away by assuring herself that he was undoubtedly exhausted after such a long flight, and had probably fallen asleep as soon as he’d walked in the door.
And then any worries she might have still been harboring flew away the moment she walked through the door of their apartment. The sound of one of Peter’s favorite songs – Hemorrhage by Fuel – greeted her as she dropped her purse and slipped out of her shoes, leaving them by the tiny entryway table as was her norm.
“Hey, Tess.”
Tessa smiled broadly and rushed to give her husband an eager hug. “Hey, yourself. I was starting to worry when I didn’t hear from you. What time did you get in?”
Peter gave her a quick hug in return and pressed a kiss against her forehead. “I actually arrived in early this morning. We probably just missed each other.”
Her smile faded rapidly as he gently disengaged her arms from about his neck. “What? I had no idea you were getting in so early. Why didn’t you let me know?”
He shrugged, the shaggy, uneven ends of his light brown hair now long enough to reach his shoulders. “I was flying standby and literally didn’t get on the flight until the last minute, so no time to text you before I left. And then when I got here I was pretty wiped out, I guess, plus I had some stuff to take care of. Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay,” she assured him. “It’s just – I’ve been a little unsettled today. I woke up with one of those weird premonitions – you know, it is a Wednesday after all. And I always worry when you have a long flight home from some of those places you travel to.”
Peter gave her hand a squeeze. “Well, I’m okay, as you can see. Come on, I ordered pizza and it just arrived. Let’s eat while it’s hot.”
Tessa frowned as she removed her jacket and hung it on a wall peg in the entryway. “I had already defrosted some chicken – thought I’d make that tortilla casserole you like. Are you sure getting pizza was a good idea? Things are a little tight for a few more days until I get paid.”
He was already taking plates from one of their very few kitchen cabinets. “It’s fine, Tess. Three of my stories from the last trip all sold and I deposited the check today. The chicken will keep. Sit down and take it easy.”
Reassured, she sat across from him at their tiny table for two and eagerly reached for a slice of the mushroom and olive pizza that was her favorite. “Thanks, it looks delicious. It was really nice of you to order it.”
Peter chucked her gently on the chin. “You deserve it. I know how hard you work, Tess, and how seldom you treat yourself to anything. And it’s just a pizza, for God’s sake.”
She took a bite, savoring the warm melted cheese and thin crispy crust. “Mmm, it’s awesome. Much better than chicken.”
“Yeah, I admit I’ve been craving it myself. Too many weeks of one form or another of noodles and vegetables. But that’s what comes from traveling through Asia as often as I do.”
He told her about his most recent trip while they ate, and she listed as always with rapt attention. Peter was a master storyteller, whether in written or oral context, and she loved to hear his numerous tales. If she couldn’t travel to these far-off, exotic places herself, then hearing his stories and reading his reports almost made her feel as though she was there herself.
Peter cleaned up the kitchen while Tessa took a quick shower. Normally she showered at the office after her daily workout at the employee gym, but she’d been in a rush to get home to Peter and had skipped working out today.
She’d been so happy to see him, had rushed inside the apartment so quickly, that she hadn’t noticed his still unpacked bags until she reentered the living room after her shower. Tessa frowned as she towel dried her hair, especially when she realized there were a good half dozen bags piled together. Peter never took more than two bags with him on a trip, and he was usually always meticulous about unpacking not long after arriving home.
“Why haven’t you unpacked?” she asked, an uneasy feeling starting to overtake her once again. The premonitions she’d felt upon waking this morning were returning in full force and then some.
Peter shoved his hands into the pockets of his baggy cargo pants, a sure sign he was feeling agitated. “Because I’ve got to leave again. Soon.”
Tessa stared at him in dismay. “What? I don’t understand. Why would the agency fly you all the way home from Cambodia just to send you back out again so soon? Especially with the tight budget they always have you on.”
The international news agency that Peter worked for as a freelance reporter was notoriously cheap. The flights they scheduled for him always involved multiple stops and connections, and the accommodations they booked for him were anything but first class. The salary was barely adequate, and he often had to argue with them about getting paid on a timely basis. It was a fairly steep price to pay for doing the sort of work he loved, and had always dreamed of doing, but Tessa had done her best to support him these past couple of years. Even if it meant living on a shoestring budget and hardly ever seeing her husband.
Peter’s thin mouth tightened into an even narrower line. “Tess, let’s sit down, okay? We have some stuff to talk about.”
Her legs suddenly felt wobbly, and the pizza she’d so eagerly devoured was beginning to burn a hole in her stomach. “Peter, you’re starting to freak me out,” she told him in a pleading little voice. “What’s going on?”
“Sit down and I’ll tell you.” His voice was gentle but firm.
She sank down onto the futon that had originally been their bed, until they’d finally been able to afford a real one. She was starting to tremble and wrapped her arms around her torso in an effort to quell the tremors.
“Peter, please. I’ve got a really bad feeling about this now. What’s wrong?”
He sat down next to her, taking her hands in his, his expression solemn. “I’ve got a new job, Tess. A hell of a lot better than this lousy gig. Better pay and actual benefits, a regular salary, living allowance. I’ve got to fly to New York to go through a two-week orientation before I actually start work.”
Tessa almost laughed with relief. She had been convinced he was going to tell her something awful, but instead it was really, really good news. “But that’s fantastic, Peter! I’m so happy for you!”
She flung her arms around his neck, hugging him close. Tessa pressed a kiss on his cheek, hoping, wishing, that tonight he might actually return her affections, might be able to make love to her for the first time in months.
But her hopes were dashed when he once again gently disengaged himself from her embrace and moved a short distance away from her. He kept her hands firmly clasped in his. “Thanks, Tess. It’s a great opportunity, exactly what I’ve wanted for a really long time. I’m glad to know you’re happy for me. Though I’m guessing you won’t be when you hear all the details.”
Tessa regarded her husband warily. “What sort of details?”
Peter sighed, and ran a hand through his unruly hair. “The job is based in the Middle East,” he told her quietly. “That’s going to be my new territory. No more Asian trips.”
She gave a small shrug. “Is that a bad thing? I mean, how much longer are the flights to and from the Middle East than they were to Asia?”
He paused, as though choosing his words very carefully. “You don’t get it, Tess. I’m going to be based in the Middle East. Bahrain, to be exact. I’ll be relocating there, living there full time.”
Tessa felt like she’d taken a blow to the solar plexus, and struggled suddenly to breathe. “So – so we’re moving? Leaving San Francisco and moving to Bahrain?”
He shook his head. “Not we – me. I can’t take you with me, Tess. That’s not part of the job offer. I’ll be sharing a residence with three other journalists and photographers. And even if that wasn’t the set-up there’s no way I’d leave you alone for weeks on end over there. It’s a very different world for a female in the Middle East. You wouldn’t be able to get a decent job or go out and about anytime you wanted. Bahrain is a more modern country in that part of the world, but you still wouldn’t have the sort of freedom you have here and would have to be very careful all the time. I’d worry about you constantly every time I was away.”
The tears were beginning to well up hotly behind her eyes. “I’d be okay,” she whispered. “I’ll do whatever is necessary, just as long as I can go with you, so we can be together.”
“No, Tess. It wouldn’t be any kind of life for you. You’d be almost like a prisoner every time I was away,” he explained. “And I’m expecting to be away for even longer stretches than I am now – maybe a month or two at a time – places like Syria and Egypt and Iraq.”
The tears starting tracking slowly down her cheeks. “So – so how often will you be able to come home to see me?” she asked, her voice breaking.
Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I get two weeks off each quarter.”
“That’s it?” she cried. “I’ll only get to see you eight weeks a year?”
“No. Let me finish. I’m not coming back to San Francisco. When I leave – that’s it. We need to end this, Tess. It’s way past time and we both know it.”
She was weeping openly now, hiding her face in her hands as her body shook with sobs. “Please don’t do this,” she begged. “Don’t leave me, Peter. I don’t care if I can only see you a few weeks a year. Just don’t leave me alone forever.”
He took her into his arms gently, easing her head onto his shoulder. “Shh. Take it easy, okay? You know we have to do this, Tessa. We should have ended things a long time ago. This – what we have here – it isn’t a marriage and it never has been, not really. You know it as well as I do. And it’s never been fair to you for even one day.”
“That’s not true,” she protested weakly. “We have a good marriage. We love each other. You’ve been so good to me, Peter, taken care of me for so long. I – I can’t do this by myself.”
“You’re wrong, Tess. You’ve been taking care of yourself for almost two years now, every time I go away. And you’ve been doing great. I know you’re going to do just fine on your own,” he reassured her confidently.
She shook her head, clinging to his hand desperately. “That’s different. I always knew you were coming home soon. And we Skyped and texted and emailed almost every day. Are we – can we still – ”
“No. At least not as often. You need to start over, Tess, to break the ties and finally have a real life, a real relationship. Not all the crap you’ve had to put up with for so long with me.”
“We do – I do -” she began to protest.
Peter stared at her in disbelief. “No, we don’t, Tess, and we never have. I’ve never been able to give you what you need – what you deserve – and I doubt I ever will. You deserve so much more than what little I can give you.”
“I don’t care,” she told him fervently. “I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.”
“Bullshit. Come on, you’re a beautiful, healthy, normal twenty-four year old woman. Every time we’re out together I see the way guys look at us. They’re all wondering how a pathetic geek like me landed someone as hot as you, wonder what the hell you see in me.”
“Who cares what anyone else thinks?” asked Tessa passionately. “Our feelings are the only ones that matter.”
“Exactly. And I’ve always felt like an asshole for not being able to give you what you really need.” He squeezed her hand. “You know how fucked up I am, Tess. Everything that happened to me – it’s not something I can forget or get over that easily. I’m not sure I’ll ever really be normal or have a normal relationship. And I’m not going to make you suffer because of that any longer.”
“I don’t care about any of that,” she insisted. “All I care about is being with you.”
“Well, I care,” Peter stated firmly. “How do you think it makes me feel knowing that I’m not giving you what you need – that I can’t ever be the man you deserve? I feel like a total shit and certainly not like any sort of real man. So this has to happen, Tessa. For my sake as well as yours.”
She slumped against the back of the futon, her limbs limp and lifeless. “How am I going to cope without you, Peter?” she whispered brokenly. “I’m so afraid of being alone. You’re all I have.”
He twined a lock of her damp hair around his fingers, a habit he’d picked up years ago. “You’re going to be fine, Tessa. You’re so much stronger than you think, you just don’t see it now. And one day you’ll meet a guy who truly deserves you – one who can finally give you everything you need – a real marriage, a baby.”
“I don’t want anyone else,” she protested. “You’re all I’ve ever needed.”
“You’ve been the best wife any man could ever hope for – sweet, loyal, patient. You’ve never complained once about how crappy everything has been, how little we’ve had and how hard we’ve had to work. And you’ll always be my best friend. Forever.” He kissed her softly on the temple. “But it’s time for you to finally live, Tessa – really live, and not this shitty half-life we’ve been pretending to have for so long.”
Tessa choked on another sob and dashed away a fresh onslaught of tears with the back of her hand. “So what – what happens now?”
“I visited an old college friend this morning – you remember Kyle?” At Tessa’s nod, he continued. “He’s finishing up law school here in San Francisco and working part-time at some big firm. He offered to draw up papers for us, do all the busy work, and then get one of the attorneys to sign off on them.”
“Papers?” she asked in confusion.
“Divorce papers,” he confirmed gently. “Kyle will have them sent here for you to sign, and then you just return them to him. He’ll take care of forwarding them to me.”
“Oh, my God.” Tessa pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around her shins. “God, are we really getting a divorce? It sounds so final.”
“Our marriage will be over, Tess, but not our friendship,” he reassured her. “We’ll always be family, okay? And I’ll help with money as much as I can. The lease on this place isn’t up until April, you know, and you won’t be able to afford the rent on your own. I’ll put some money in your account each month until the lease is up and you can move to a cheaper place.”
She hid her face against her bent knees, unable to think about practical things like paying bills or eventually having to move. “How long?”
“The divorce will take a few months to be final.”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” she corrected. “How long until – you leave?”
“I fly to New York tomorrow morning. I’ll be going through a two week orientation program, finalizing my work visa and stuff like that. I leave for Bahrain after that.”
Tessa heaved a weary sigh. “So this is it, huh? Our last night together. Can’t we have a few more days, Peter? So I can get used to the idea a little.”
“It’s better this way, Tess,” he insisted. “I know you won’t agree, but if I stay any longer you’ll just try to convince me to forget about everything. And I’ve been putting a move like this off for far too long already. It’s time, Tessa. Time for both of us to start over.”
Her bottom lip trembled. “I know I’ve held you back. I know the only reason you stayed with me so long was because I was too helpless to take care of myself.”
“That’s bullshit, Tess. We’ve gone over this too many times to count. You are not helpless or incompetent or dumb. Or any of the other unflattering terms you always insult yourself with. You’re smart and capable and you amaze me every day with how much you’ve grown.”
She raised huge eyes to him. “I’m scared, Peter,” she confessed in a trembly voice. “Scared of being alone. And terrified that I’m going to be like her.”
“You aren’t. You won’t. You’re nothing like your mother, Tessa, nothing,” Peter assured her fiercely. “You’re so much stronger than you’re even aware of. And I know how hard this is but you’re going to be okay. If I didn’t believe that I wouldn’t be leaving.”
“Will you hold me?”
He took her into his arms, rocking her gently as though she were a small child. “Of course I will.”
“I knew something bad was going to happen today. I felt it the minute I woke up. God, I hate Wednesdays,” she said bitterly.
“Shh. It’s just a silly coincidence, nothing more. Now, we should both get some rest. My flight leaves pretty early in the morning.”
Tessa wasn’t certain she could sleep, given how upset she was, but as she snuggled close against Peter she did manage to fall into a somewhat restless slumber, hoping against hope that she would wake to find all of this was just a bad dream.
But when her alarm went off the next morning, she was once again alone in the bed, as she was so often these days. And this time, Peter wouldn’t be back.