THE RESTAURANT WAS closed off to everyone but the cast and crew, I was thankful for the break — and the food.

 

Zane: Hey man, you got your own trailer too? Sweet, I bet it’s kick ass, hey side note, does it have mallows? Cuz I can provide the goods. Should we have a trailer party?

 

I glanced down at Will’s phone and smiled, a girl could get used to Zane’s quirky sense of humor. In a lot of ways he reminded me of Demetri.

It had been a hellish day on set.

And to thank Will for not suing him, or beating the shit out of him when he strongly suggested Will act in the movie, Jay was taking everyone out to dinner.

I wasn’t holding out hope that someone wouldn’t leave with a black eye or missing tooth, that’s just how it was between everyone.

Nat was there with Ella. Alec was in the corner cooing in her face like, like a dad. It was the most surreal thing I’d ever seen, rock star Alec Daniels, holding a baby girl’s hand and ignoring the rest of the world as if it didn’t exist.

“Freaky, right?” Demetri plopped down in an empty seat next to me. Will had been sitting across from me but was in deep discussion with Zane about another world tour.

“Is he always like that now?” I nodded to Alec.

“You mean the best dad in the world who just so happens to have a tattoo of his baby girl’s footprints on his lower back like a freaking tramp stamp?” He winked, “Yeah, he is. It’s changed him, softened him though he’s still scary as hell sometimes.”

“Noooo, Alec? Scary?” I elbowed Demetri.

“I never hated you,” he blurted. “I just want you to know that. I think I hated what I saw in you, I just…” He shrugged and then winked over at Alyssa who was grabbing a glass of wine and handing it to Nat. “I just think that I hated the weakness I saw when I looked at you, I saw you still struggling with the drugs, the fame, and it reminded me of my own shit.”

I shook my head. “Demetri, you don’t owe me anything, I basically tried destroying your lives…” Tears filled my eyes. Why the hell was I so emotional lately? “Take a look at that.” I smiled at Alec, a real smile, one that I felt from my head to my toes. “What type of person tries to destroy that?”

“A lost one,” Zane chimed in.

I hadn’t realized that everyone, Will included, had stopped talking and was listening in on my convo with Demetri. I tucked my hair behind my ear and said nothing, because honestly I didn’t know what to say.

You’re right?

Shut the hell up?

The old Angelica would have yelled at him and stomped off to pout in the corner until some hot guy came up and offered his services. It was a way to gain attention, to get rid of the pain of rejection, the embarrassment. But that’s the thing about addictions. They can be anything that numbs you to reality.

And I’d drowned in them because I’d hated mine. Hated it.

“Eavesdropper,” Demetri accused while Zane shrugged unapologetically and turned back to Will, tour dates were mentioned, and apparently my confession was forgotten, especially when Fallon walked up behind him, kissed him down the neck, then left, he slapped her on the ass on her exit. A part of my chest cracked, but only a little bit, and I hated that it even did that, that it was capable of that after all of this time. Hurt.

“Have you held her yet?” Demetri asked.

“Who? What?” I shook my head. “What did I miss?”

“You were staring at Ella. Have you held her yet?”

My face flushed, “No, no, that’s not, I mean.” Embarrassment washed over me. Tears stung the back of my eyes. Because what parent would want me to touch their innocent child with my black sinned hands?

What rational person would even want me in the same room?

I hung my head.

Ending the discussion while I started toying with the cheap paper white napkin in my hand.

And suddenly someone sat on my left.

I knew who it was without looking.

Because a person can’t really exist in the same atmosphere as Alec Daniels and not become insanely aware of his large menacing godlike presence.

“I don’t hate you either.” His deep voice rumbled.

Oh great, and then there were two confessions.

“Is this church?” Zane piped up, then looked behind him, and back at us. “Because I gotta admit guys, I’m not actually Catholic.”

Alec glared at him.

He held up his hands, then rummaged around for a marshmallow and kept talking to Will, it was like he was capable of having multiple conversations at once without getting lost. Amazing, really.

“Thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say.

Before I could say anything else, Ella giggled and then peered over her dad’s shoulder at me, reaching out here chubby hand. I had no choice but to grab it.

I clung to the hand as tears filled my eyes.

Memories surfaced.

And without warning, she reached for me completely.

I didn’t have any business holding her.

But I had even less business rejecting her offer of innocence, no matter what it did to that crack in my heart well on its way to turning into the Grand Canyon.

“Hi.” I kissed her pudgy hand.

She giggled again.

So I kissed her other hand and nuzzled her neck. “She smells like you.”

I meant it as a compliment.

Across from me, Will stiffened.

Shit. I was always ruining things, wasn’t I?

But Alec just smiled while Demetri patted my shoulder and said, “Yeah because he hogs his own child and gets his scent all over her.”

“I’ll have you know my scent earned us two million last year,” Alec fired back, “What did your little cologne do, Dem? Hmm?”

“It was the wrong mixture.” He grumbled. “Damn chemists.”

Zane laughed even though he didn’t turn toward us.

Ella cupped my face with her hands and then reached back toward her dad like she was done with playtime.

He grabbed her then handed her to Nat.

She took her little girl and started bouncing her up and down. Alec didn’t join his family. Instead, he sat down by Demetri and me and leaned forward.

Oh, the awkwardness was real.

So real.

I’d kissed both of those guys.

Both of them.

I’d tried to get Alec to use drugs when he was at his weakest.

And when I’d filmed a reality show with them, I had nearly died of an overdose. So. Much. Fun.

Where was arsenic when I needed it? Maybe the waiter could dump a few tablespoons in my Diet Coke?

Alec was the reason I got help.

He and Demetri even paid for my stint in rehab.

I never thanked them.

They said my thanking them was actually going.

So I did.

Because by then I was a shell of a human.

And they knew that better than anyone since they’d once walked that road a lot harder than I could ever possibly know.

“So…” Zane finally turned to us. “I heard you killed that scene today, Jay wants us to write a song for it and use it for the trailer.”

I gaped. “Um, are we sure Jay isn’t intoxicated.”

Our food finally arrived. I dug in like I hadn’t eaten in days, maybe it was the fact that the freezing water had stripped all the calories from my body, either way, a hamburger and fries had never tasted so good.

I groaned and bit into my burger.

Will muttered a graphic curse.

Suddenly aware that I had closed my eyes, I forced them open and saw Zane grinning like a fool at Demetri while they gave funny looks to Will.

“Something wrong William?” Zane crossed his toned arms.

“He must be hungry.” Demetri answered for him, “I mean, how long has it been man… since you’ve… eaten.”

Alec choked on his water next to me.

I gave Demetri the evil eye.

He didn’t notice.

He was too busy goading Will while Will stared into his beer.

“You know…” Zane leaned in, “Now that I’ve… eaten…” He licked his lips. “And eaten…” He received a smack from Will when he said eaten one more time. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to be without food… you know… for a long period of time… I bet just about anything would set me off, don’t you agree Dem?”

“Hell yeah, I mean, one time, back in the day I was on a type of… diet before my wedding, and let me tell you, it nearly sucked,” he emphasized sucked, “the life out of me… can’t imagine, man, can’t imagine.” He pulled a fry from my plate and chomped down. “Right, Will?”

Will wiped his face with his hand then threw his napkin onto the table, stood, and walked off. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

“They got food in there?” Zane burst out laughing.

I felt my face heat even though it’s not like I was innocent in any way, I just got their reference and hated how irrationally angry I got thinking about Will with anyone but me.

The first time I’d read about it online I’d slammed my phone against the wall.

I went through a lot of phones that year.

And then I went numb again.

“What about you Ang?” Zane leaned in. “Oh, and eating’s code word for sex just in case you’re really slow like Alec over here.”

Alec glowered.

“This isn’t proper dinner talk,” I mumbled.

“Holy shit did you just say proper?” Demetri observed with an amused smirk, “Say it again.”

Alec threw a napkin at Demetri’s head.

Zane leaned in and rubbed his hands together. “Come on sister, give us the goods, we’re all old and married.”

“The hell you are!” Demetri laughed, “You’re engaged, and I’m still waiting for her to dump you on your ass! You aren’t even house trained People wear pants, that’s all I’m saying.”

“I’ll be sure to remind myself that next time I get all the sex because of lack of pants, I mean come on, easy access man, why have them on, at all?”

By Demetri’s sudden silence, I could only assume he was suddenly wondering if Zane wasn’t a genius.

I dug back into my food and stilled mid-chew when Demetri elbowed me and asked again, “So?”

I rolled my eyes. And held up two fingers.

“Days?” Zane.

I shook my head.

“Months?” Alec.

Maybe I’d choke on my burger and die? Yeah that sounded nice.

Another shake of the head.

Demetri’s voice was hopeful. “Dog years?”

I dropped my burger onto my plate and scooted my chair out, “I think, I may just, use the bathroom too.”

“Cool,” Zane nodded, “If you run into Will maybe give him some of your food.”

“I don’t think I need any more brothers!” I yelled over my shoulder.

“Too late!” Zane yelled back.

I smiled all the way to the bathroom, rounded the corner, and ran directly into Will’s muscled chest.

My mouth was still half filled with hamburger.

And I had visions of sharing my hamburger.

But not the one I was chewing.

How were the guys suddenly the bad influence while I was left blushing and gaping, mouth half open, at the only person who had the power to continually hurt me in a merciless cycle of pain?

I jerked away.

His stare always did me in — he knew it, I knew it, America knew it. Maybe it was the way his eyes searched yours like he was prying tiny bits of information from your soul; or in my case, prying bits away so he could use them against me later. He really did have the best eyes, they made you think you mattered, his eyes. They made girls believe that every single time he opened that mouth of his, that his words, his pretty poetic words were just for them.

At one time, I believed they’d been for me.

It was a short-lived fantasy.

There’s a reason that they called his smile the Sutherland Sunset, it made you feel warm, protected, sexy.

But he wasn’t smiling now.

No he just looked — like he always did. Contemplative, angry, reserved, and too damn sexy for his own good, and mine if I was being truly honest.

“I was just going to use the bathroom.” I blurted then tried to sidestep him, his hand pressed against the wall, his arm blocked me. “Something wrong?”

“No.” He bit down on his lip, his lazy sexy eyes focused on my mouth. My feet rooted to the floor even though I wanted to bolt. “It’s just, you have… ketchup.” He rubbed his thumb across my lower lip. “There, all better.”

But it wasn’t.

Nor would it ever be… better.

My brain took action forcing my limbs to move as I ducked under his arm and shoved the bathroom door open, locking it behind me.

I was shaking by the time I made my way to the sink, gripping the porcelain with both of my hands, staring at myself in the mirror like I was a stranger.

I looked… young.

No makeup meant I looked like I was eighteen instead of in my twenties.

It also meant I looked… innocent.

And for the first time in a long time, that word made my lips curl into a small smile as I released the sink and splashed my face with water.

I had to wonder — with all the pestering about food, what would shock Will more? The fact that I’d been celibate since rehab? Or the fact that the last guy I ever slept with that meant anything to me.

Was him.

I could always take it a step further and toss one of his band shirts at him, the one I still hid inside my pillow.

Yeah give him a heart attack at thirty.

Good plan.

I shut off the water.

Forced my shoulders back.

And returned to the chaos.