AFTER STEELING MYSELF TO BE cool, calm, and collected again, I stride out into the ballroom where everyone is up and mingling about, refilling drinks and probably gossiping about everything I just said. It doesn’t surprise me. People are inclined to discuss whatever guest speakers had to say. My mission for speaking tonight wasn’t only to help bring awareness to suicide, but to prove to myself and everyone else that I am moving forward with my life. I’m fucking tired of being looked at like a ticking time bomb.
Theo sees me approaching and meets me halfway. “You all right?” he asks, his serious brow beneath his glasses even more defined than usual.
“Of course! I’m right as rain. Told you I could do it,” I sing with a hearty air of confidence to my voice.
He eyes me seriously. “I know, Hayden, but it’s just me you’re talking to.”
I pat his shoulder playfully and give him the smallest of nods. In one quick glance, we have our silent brotherly conversation that says he knows how hard that was for me and he’s proud of me for doing it anyway. My relationship with Theo has done a complete one-eighty in the last year. After the quad accident that took our sister’s life, we became somewhat estranged. I assumed it was because he blamed me for Marisa’s death, but the truth is Theo blamed himself for the incident. He claimed that if he wouldn’t have distracted me, I wouldn’t have looked away. We were a sorry pair of Clarke brothers for many years.
Theo is thirty-one now, which is five years older than me. Marisa was between us in age. Then there is our baby sister, Daphney, who’s nearing her twenty-first birthday. Our entire family was in a dark pit of despair for three years after Marisa’s death—me taking it the hardest, of course. I learned in therapy that some people are inclined to slip into the deepest holes of depression more than others. And I let my survivor’s guilt eat me alive and push away anyone who wanted to help me. My suicide attempt was the turning point for me, though.
Leslie was the turning point for Theo. She entered his life and that’s when everything started to change. I saw glimpses of Theo being happy again, and I felt sick over the fact that it made me feel even more alone than before. It was Leslie who brought him back to life. It is just a crazy coincidence that she happened to be the one to save mine as well.
“Come on. You need to give Mum and Dad some bloody attention. They’ve been twitching ninnies all night.” Theo claps his hand across my back and I sigh heavily as we make our way over to my slightly dishevelled-looking parents.
My mum trembles when she hugs me, clutching me tight against her robust figure. She always did give the best squishy hugs. My dad’s hand holds tight to my shoulder as Mum pulls away and looks into my eyes with the matching brown hue of Theo’s. “I’m incredibly proud of you, Hayden. So…so—” Her voice cracks and she covers her mouth to hide her cry.
I look away, trying my hardest to not roll my eyes. Daphney catches my gaze and offers me a meek smile from the other side of the table. Daph is the quiet type, but she’s got her own ways of showing me she cares, which often involves loads of texts.
“You all should go and get a drink. Try to relax. The scary part is over.” My mother looks at me and I shake my head. “I’m fine, Mum. I’m not going to break my sobriety just because you all are having a glass of wine. I haven’t slipped in a year. I’m not going to falter now.”
They eventually shuffle off toward the bar and Theo says he’s going to go check on Leslie. I decide to man up and brace myself for the table next to me. I approach to find Brody, Finley, and Frank and his date seated at the table. I briefly wonder if Reyna and Liam ended up leaving early.
I visit with them for a bit, and Frank does a proper job of lightening the mood. “Did you know that leather cuffs are a trending fashion in the lesbian community?”
“Frank!” Finley admonishes.
I huff out a genuine laugh and it feels fantastic.
“You know, Hayden,” Frank says, shuffling across the two empty seats to perch on the one beside me. He reaches into his breast pocket and hands me a business card. “I’ve been dabbling as a life coach for the past year now. I’d be happy to give you a free consultation if you’d like. Friends and family discount and all that.”
I look down at the card in my hand. It’s solid red with thick block lettering that reads: SAVIOUR IN RED. I smirk when I flip it over and read on the back: EVERYTHING LOOKS BRIGHTER WITH A TOUCH OF RED.
I glance up to ask if Frank is serious or not, but my eyes land on Reyna and Liam as they approach behind him.
“Hiya, Rey Rey,” I say with a lazy half-smile.
“Hey, Hay,” she huffs out a laugh and leans against Frank’s chair.
“Oxford! You smell divine!” Frank exclaims while glancing up at her. “What is that scent? Unfinished Business? Or, Bone to Pick? I can’t quite tell.”
She rolls her eyes and looks at me apologetically. “Got a minute?”
I nod and rise, buttoning my jacket as I follow her out of the ballroom. I glimpse back at Liam. He doesn’t look angry. He doesn’t look sad. He looks respectful.
“Do you mind if we go outside?” Rey asks nervously. “I could use some fresh air.”
“Sure…Everything okay?” I ask cautiously as we walk through the vestibule.
“Yes. I just…want to talk. Just the two of us without fucking Frank there making jokes the whole time.”
We step out onto the dark London sidewalk, illuminated by several golden landscaping lanterns. My eyes drift from the bright lights and peer down at Rey’s sunflower-sleeved arm—a tribute to Marisa she eventually told me about after everything that happened between us. We were best friends for years, yet there is so much we don’t know about each other.
She tugs at the thin straps of her black dress, securing them back over her inked shoulders. Her dark hair is pinned up in a formal do. She looks good. She always looks good. But right now, she also looks healthy, albeit nervous.
“Your speech tonight, Hayden—” she starts and I cut her off.
“Look, I’m sorry if there was anything I said that felt too personal. I honestly didn’t have it all written down. A lot of it was off the cuff.”
“No, it was great. It was real, and raw, and honest. I’m sure it was incredibly enlightening to so many people who are affected by similar things. Honestly, it was enlightening to me! I feel like I finally got a glimpse inside your head. I’m happy that you’re so open now and obviously doing so well.”
“Thanks?” I say, skeptically. “I’m sensing a ‘but’ coming.”
“But…I just…I can’t help but feel responsible for pushing you to your breaking point, Hayden. It feels like I pushed you to do what you did. That ‘shit hitting the fan’ was me, wasn’t it?” Her grey eyes blink nervously, the glow of the streetlight reflecting off her pupils.
I shake my head. “No offence, Rey, but don’t flatter yourself.” Her head jerks back quickly. “I don’t mean anything by that, really. Just that there were so many moments in time that led up to that night. You were only one.”
She purses her lips and nods, her brow crinkled seriously. “I wish I could have done more. Said something to change it all.”
“I wouldn’t have believed you,” I say, leaning forward and shoving my hands in my pockets.
She looks like she wants to say something more. She hesitates for an instant before asking, “But you believed Leslie?”
I huff out a sad laugh and shake my head. “Rey, you don’t understand. It took a stranger caring for me to get a fucking wake-up call. I was bloody drowning in guilt and depression over Marisa. I wasn’t letting anybody throw me a life raft. Including you. Even though I cared about you—loved you even—it didn’t matter. Nothing you could have said would have stopped me. Lust and recovery do not mix.”
She nods her head and looks down, picking at the cuticle on her nail. Her expression is troubled, but she doesn’t tell me why, and I’m not going to ask. Truly, we are two completely different people than we were back then. We have so many dark and complicated memories together, being mates would only remind us of all of that. Distance is best for Rey and me. That was glaringly obvious when I saw her at her pub opening a couple of weeks ago with Liam. Her finding Liam was the best thing for both of us. I’m done with the sorry bastard I was with her.
“So, no love on the horizon for Hayden Clarke then?” she asks playfully.
I laugh. “No, I’m putting myself at number one for quite some time. This is something I’m always going to have to work at. But I feel good. I feel at peace. Tonight felt like a graduation ceremony for me. Made me feel like I can be a normal bloke again someday.”
“I can see that.” She smiles and steps closer to me, grabbing the lapels of my jacket and pulling me down for a hug. She giggles softly at my awkward hunch and whispers, “I’m always here if you need me.”
I tuck my face into her and inhale deeply. It brings me immense relief when her familiar scent puts me at ease rather than making me feel love-sick. “I’ve always known that, Rey.” Despite how bad we were for each other, I’ve never doubted that.
We head back inside and join everyone at the table, which is now filled with Theo, Leslie, Liam, Brody, and Finley.
“So, Lez, when are we going to have a hen night?” Finley asks as I take a seat next to my brother. “Your wedding is in five weeks and we have to get this planned.”
“Oh, God, I haven’t a clue,” Leslie groans. “I still have a million things to do.”
“Well if you guys wouldn’t have rushed the wedding—”
“Rushed?” I interrupt Finley with a laugh. “Theo’s been cross at Leslie for ages for making him wait this long. If she’d put him off even another day, he would have gone completely mental.”
Theo eyes me sternly through his glasses as everybody gawks at him. “Hayden, my dear brother,” he starts. “You watch the love of your life give birth to the second love of your life, then tell me that you could wait a second longer to make your family completely yours in every way possible.”
His devoted proclamation stuns me. It stuns the whole table as we all stare at him completely gobsmacked. A sniffle from Leslie diverts my eyes.
“Damn, Theo. You can’t say that shit in public. I’m still a postnatal emotional mess.” Leslie wipes fresh tears from her eyes and grabs his face. She plants a fierce kiss on his lips, completely oblivious to the audience around them. She breaks their kiss, and her eyes are swimming with emotion. “I love you.”
Theo rests his forehead against hers and closes his eyes and breathes a deep, contented breath. It’s as if he’s drinking in the words from her mouth, pulling them into his lungs, and pushing them out through his bloodstream straight to his heart. It’s such a tender moment, I can’t look away.
The announcer breaks the mood, informing everyone to take their seats for the auction portion of the fundraiser to begin. Leslie, Theo, and I stand to head over to my parents’ table, but my heart stutters as I catch sight of a familiar woman in a white dress.
“Vi,” I say on a quiet exhale without even thinking. I look around nervously, and I’m grateful no one seems to have heard me. I didn’t even mean to say her name out loud, but her name has been on repeat in my mind since two weeks ago. This mess of long blonde hair and long, spindly limbs literally knocked me flat on my back, and I’ve been seeing stars ever since.
What the hell is she doing here?
My eyes do a double take to confirm they aren’t tricking me. My view is distracted by some guy in a baggy tuxedo who has his hands wrapped tightly around her waist. He’s standing behind her and whispering into her ear as she giggles halfheartedly. Or at least I think it’s halfheartedly. Just then, she gives him a coy “come hither” look that immediately makes me feel annoyed.
Without permission, my gaze takes a walk down her body, absorbing how her snug dress hugs every line of her slim frame. The dim chandelier light bounces off the shimmering fabric and creates a glowing effect all around her.
Christ, she’s still gorgeous.
She appears to be guiding the man-boy in our direction.
Leslie’s voice snaps me out of my daze when she calls out, “Vi? Benji? You guys okay?”
Curiosity keeps my feet planted. Vi glances up, her brow puckering in the middle as she looks pleadingly at Leslie. When this Benji fellow sees Leslie, he releases Vi and steps around her. His droopy eyes grow wide in shock.
“My sexy lady in red,” he bellows and stumbles toward Leslie with his arms outstretched.
Before I have a chance to react, Theo moves in front of Leslie with his chest puffed out protectively. Now the two men are eye-to-eye, or chin-to-eye I guess you’d say since Benji is on the smallish side. Vi’s face turns from uncomfortable to nervous, so I take two steps closer and place a calming hand on Theo’s shoulder.
Vi’s wide blue eyes peer past the small space between Benji and Theo and land right on me. Her round cheeks flush a rosy hue. She instantly looks away, then right back at me again. I can’t help but stare back. It’s that same fucking strange pull that I felt at The White Swan Pub. Frustrated, I look away, clenching my jaw.
“I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink, mate.” Theo’s voice is low and controlled but has an obvious edge to it. He adjusts his glasses like he always does when he’s feeling cagey. I swear it’s a defence mechanism that he developed growing up. Whenever we tussled as kids, he’d get so barking mad at me if I’d gone at him when he was wearing his glasses.
“I think you might be spot-on, good sir,” Benji slurs and pokes his finger into Theo’s chest. “Good Lord, are you wearing protective armour under your dress shirt?”
“No,” Theo replies without a shred of amusement.
“Someone needs to get control of him,” I grumble.
Vi moves in and grabs Benji around the arm. “Come on, Benji Boy. Here are our seats.”
Her eyes flash coolly to me as she pulls him down onto a chair. She looks away and pours a glass of water, then shoves it against his chest. Her eyes find mine again, and I can’t help but frown at the whole situation. If he is her boyfriend, she should have better control over him. Wanker.
Leslie catches me scowling at Vi and steps in between my line of sight. “Hayden, you remember my coworker Vi, right? And Benji?”
I nod dismissively, then quietly excuse myself. I’m confused by how I feel about having the woman who sparked something I thought was dormant inside of me be here to witness the speech I just gave about my innermost secrets. Definitely not the first impression I would have wanted with her. And now she’s eyeing me like I’m the prat here.
I stroll over to my parents and take my seat. The further I stay away from Vi tonight, the better. Perhaps I don’t affect her the same way she affects me. The way she was eyeing me at The White Swan Pub led me to believe otherwise. Regardless, something about her makes me feel out of control, and I don’t like it. It doesn’t help that every time I look over at her, she looks over at me. God, it’s so maddeningly juvenile I could laugh.
“You were rather rude to my coworker,” Leslie chastises as she settles down beside me, followed closely behind by Theo.
“Why is she even here?” I whisper as the announcer begins the bidding on a custom dining room set built by Theo.
“Good question,” Theo drawls. “Fucking Benji wears on my last nerve.”
“Oh, shut up! He’s harmless. Vi and Benji took Mitch and Julie’s tickets. What’s the big deal?”
“It’s kind of inappropriate for her boyfriend to get pissed at a charity if you ask me,” I sneer.
Leslie’s green eyes widen in disbelief. “Pot! Meet kettle!”
My face goes white as I realise what I just said. “That was different,” I bite out between clenched teeth. Christ, I walked right into that one.
Leslie’s face softens. “Don’t be hard on my coworkers. They’re good people. Really, you’d get on with Vi, I’m sure.”
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.