Chapter Twenty-Five – The Weight Is
Too Much To Bear
Carly
I sit across from Roman, the tired man who resembles the father I used to know. I knew that I needed to see him, but now that I’m here, I just can’t seem to find the right words. His eyes speak of sadness and pity as he continues to return my gaze.
“Carlina, you must know that this life is one I never wanted for you. I only wanted the best for you and your mother, which was why I had to push you away. If something had happened to one of you, it would have been too unbearable. This life, it was the only life I had known. It was the only thing I had that was mine. I couldn’t give it up. Too many people, too much was riding on it. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you and Georgie. I love you both so much. That’s why I did what I did. That’s why I sent you away. Away from the danger. Away from the tainted life that I was living. I made the choice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I love you and your mother more than my own life. That’s why I needed to know you were safe.”
“But you chose this life over us,” I choke.
“In a way, yes. It was all I had known. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right one.”
“You could have walked away,” I pleaded with him, knowing that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter at all. The decision was made years ago.
“I couldn’t have, Carlina. I was already in too deep. I would have never been able to make a clean break. This life would have caught up with me at some point, most likely when I was least expecting it, and the outcome would have probably been deadly. I know this is hard to understand, but I needed to just tell you the truth. I love you, Carlina, and I could never be more proud of the woman and mother you’ve become. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, even if I didn’t get to share in the joy every day. That is my truth.”
I lay my head on my arms and cry. It’s too much. I’m not strong enough to handle this. I want to crawl into a hole and close my eyes, not coming out again until everything is different. My father isn’t in jail with a non-stop, one-way trip to prison. My mom isn’t at home mending another broken heart. My own heart isn’t broken beyond repair at the thought of never seeing Blake again.
“Mi Tesoro. My treasure. I want you to promise me something,” my father says, his voice imploring me to look at him. When I do look up, the same brown eyes I see every day in the mirror are pleading with me to understand. “I want you to live. Don’t be saddened by what is happening to me. This is the life I chose and I must now deal with the consequences. Promise me that you will follow your heart and enjoy your life. I sent you away so that you could live.” His eyes are fierce. “So live, Carlina. Love.” The meaning behind that one word knocks my world off axis. The room practically spins as my dad gives me my first real piece of fatherly advice. And the kicker? It’s the one thing that scares the life out of me. Love.
When our meeting is finished, I step out into the hall. I wasn’t allowed to hug or touch him, though I did manage to reach forward and set my hand on his for a second. Blake is on the floor across from the door, sitting with his head on his arms, and his arms on his knees. If it wasn’t for the soft snore I hear coming from him, I would think he’s just relaxing after a very intense few hours.
I contemplate leaving the jail and finding a cab to take me home. I don’t really want to be with Blake right now, but I also can’t just leave him sleeping on the hard floor. So I take a few steps towards him and touch his elbow. Blake jerks up, grabbing my hand so fast, I don’t even know what’s happening. The intensity in his green eyes strikes me straight to the core like a bolt of lightning. Heat from his touch scorches my skin.
“Everything all right?” he asks, looking around.
“I’m ready,” I tell him, not wanting to confirm or deny that everything is all right. In fact, everything is most definitely not all right. My entire world has been tipped upside down and shaken like a snow globe.
Blake hops up without letting go of my arm. I revel in his touch once more. I long to have him pull me into his embrace, put his strong arms around me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But the other part of me wants to push away, run as fast as I can away from the lies and stories. I can’t tell what is fact and what is fiction anymore and that’s the part that scares me the most. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see the truth. Love has blurred the lines.
I remain quiet on our ride back to my apartment. Blake is too, which I’m grateful for. Pulling into the parking lot, Blake finds an available space by the door. When he turns off the engine and makes a grab to release his seatbelt, I halt his progress by placing my hand on his arm. His eyes search my face as if waiting for me to let him know what we’re doing.
“I don’t want you to come inside, Blake. I need to go in and be by myself for a while. I have so much to think about right now, and I don’t want you there,” I tell him honestly.
“Us? You have to think about us?” he asks, his voice strained with emotions.
“Amongst other things. I just don’t know what is real and what isn’t right now, and the only way for me to try to wrap my mind around it, is to take a step back,” I tell him.
Blake reaches across the cab of the Tahoe and grabs my hands. “Yes, there are things that I told you that weren’t the truth. My full name and my occupation, not true. My name is Blake Andrew Thomas and I work for the FBI. I joined when an injury in college ended my football career. I wanted to go pro, but it just wasn’t in the cards. I have a younger brother, Luke, who works with me, as well as two overbearing parents that I haven’t seen in six months. I met the most amazing woman two years ago and spent the best night of my life with my arms wrapped around her, and I was fortunate enough to cross paths with her again recently. In fact, I discovered we share a daughter. Every time we’re together, every single time, was because I wanted to be there. Never because I was forced to or because of my job. Nothing–and I mean absolutely nothing–means more to me than my child and her mother. I love you, Carly. That? That is fact.”
Blake pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. “I’m going to leave right now because I know you are scared. I know you have things to deal with and work through, but know this: I’m not giving up. I’m not walking away. I’m giving you space. I will be back, Carly. For you and for our daughter.” The passion in his eyes speaks volumes as they reiterate the words he just said.
And the scary part is? I believe him.
I climb out of the Tahoe on numb legs and make my way towards the building. I will myself not to turn around, but as soon as I slip inside the glass door and pull it securely closed behind me, I can’t help but look. Blake is still sitting there, watching me. He doesn’t leave.
My legs carry me towards the elevator that eventually deposits me on the top floor. With leaded feet, I drag myself towards my place and further away from Blake. Each step I take is like the knife digging further into my broken heart.
I make my way into my apartment and head straight for my daughter. She’s curled up on the floor, watching cartoons, but I don’t care. I need to feel her in my arms. I need to know that something in my life is real. She’s real. Her love.
And then those emerald green eyes clash with mine, and the dam breaks. I cry for the loss of my dad, twenty-two years ago, but again now. I cry for all of the what-could-have-beens and what-ifs. I cry for the relationship that I’ve had with Blake and the fact that I don’t know if I can forgive him. I cry because Blake let me get out of that vehicle and didn’t even try to stop me. Because I want to forgive him. I want to be with him. After everything is said and done, and all of the cards are on the table, I cry because I wish he were here.
I cry because I love him.