Codi
“Dad say why he wanted us for dinner so last minute?”
Camryn glances at me then back to the road. “Nah. Said it was important though.”
She leans forward, turning the radio off on an irritated grunt. “Fuckin’ hate that song. Wait. You don’t think mom’s back?”
I didn’t even contemplate that as a possibility. Sarah fled the same day I went to dad with Parker’s story; heartbroken and disbelieving. I understand why she ran. She knew her secret was out. That her lifelong trail of deceit would unravel and she’d be left with no shield of protection.
“You think he’ll kill her? Dad? If she does come back?” My voice is soft as I vocalize the thought as soon as it pops into my mind. I’m not saddened or frightened by the thought. More curious. About Camryn’s thoughts and maybe my lack of emotion or turmoil attached to the possibility.
Camryn’s quiet as she considers my words, but when she finally speaks, it’s confident, certain. “No.”
“No?”
“Uh-uh,” she shakes her head, eyes darting to me then back to the road. “No matter how much he hates her. She still gave him the two of us. He’ll let her live.”
I surmise she’s right. It’s crazy to think that only a few months ago, talking about death, about taking the life of another would’ve have been met with shock and disgust on my behalf. Yet here, driving to our family home for dinner, Camryn and I are discussing these exact points like it’s nothing more than a conversation about the weather. About our own mother no less.
There’s no denying that I’ve changed. How could I not? My life up until Parker was quiet, undisturbed, easy. Now there’s a darkness that’s been let into my life and it’s irrevocably changed the way I view the world. I’m still me. Codi Rein; sweet like sugar, but inexperienced is no longer a word I feel associated with. My naivety is gone, having disappeared in a puff of smoke the moment I saw two people die right before my eyes.
“Well, I can’t see her car,” Camryn pulls me from my thoughts and I glance around the driveway.
“You don’t think dad has pulled us here to tell us he’s going to prison? For killing Marcus?” I hate speaking his name. I hate thinking about him. I hate knowing that whether I admit it or not, we’re genetically linked. A shiver runs along my spine and I shake it off, my mouth twisting horribly in distaste.
“Did you see those fucking cops?” Camryn barks out a laugh. “I get they’re on Dad’s payroll, but could they be any more obvious? The lead detective literally turned his back, to stare at a wall while dad was feeding us what happened,” she finishes her sentence in quotation marks, her eyes wide with disbelief. “Not to mention you and Parker were showering, washing evidence from your skin and not one of them blinked an eyelid.”
I don’t let my thoughts fall back to that emotionally charged moment with Parker. Both of us breaking at the seams, our grief and anguish leaking from our eyes. The rough, stuttered sound of his cries still haunt my dreams. If I let my mind go there, I can still feel them echoing into my neck, kissing along my skin. All I could do was stand there and hold on, knowing that no matter what had happened between us, in that moment, he had me to lean on.
I rub at my eyes. There are no tears. Jesus, there’d be none left in my body. I’m all dried out. My eyes feel like sandpaper in my skull. I’ve cried too much. So much that my body has now refused to cooperate with my need to rid my rollercoaster emotions from my body with thick, ugly tears.
Camryn touches my arm and I startle.
“Babe, Dad’s fine. He’s not in trouble.” She’s misread my dilemma, but I’m okay with that. If she knew my thoughts were on Parker and not dad, she’d want to talk about him and I don’t wanna do that. Not now. Not ever.
“Yeah,” I force a weak smile, moving from her car without another word.
The smell of rich tomato sauce hits us as soon as we step into the house and Camryn inhales happily.
“Spaghetti. Fuck yeah.”
Her footsteps are close behind mine as she follows me toward the kitchen, babbling about garlic bread and parmesan cheese.
He stands as soon as I step into the room and my feet cease their ability to move. My body locks rock solid, from the tips of my toes all the way to the hair follicles on the very top of my head. Everything pauses and my capacity to pull in a breath seems to be lost.
Camryn slams into me, yet, my body doesn’t move an inch.
“FUCK, Codi. What the hell?” She growls, pushing at my back in irritation. “Oh,” she adds, finally noticing our unexpected dinner guest, standing awkwardly at our dining table.
She moves toward him without fanfare, hugging her body around his, while standing on tiptoes to whisper in his ear.
A small smile plays at his lips and he nods down at her when she pulls back. “Noted.”
She winks, tapping his arm before kissing our dad’s cheek and sitting at the table.
“Codi,” my dad speaks, but I can’t move my eyes away. They’re glued to him, standing in my family home, looking undeniably awkward, yet heartbreakingly hopeful. “You remember—”
“Bob,” Parker cuts him off, the word a little louder than necessary.
Biting my lip, I hide the smile threatening to creep onto my face. Our eyes remain glued on one another, a smile stretching his lips. It’s genuine. His smile and my heart spasms in my chest, kick-starting itself back to life.
“Come. Sit. Eat,” my dad instructs and without warning my feet concede to his direction, moving me to my seat across from Parker.
Neither of us eat, too caught up with watching one another. He looks healthier, or at least showered. His hair is styled in the way I’m used to and while the shadows under his eyes are hollow and dark, his eyes themselves hold a spark I was convinced had died only twenty-fours ago.
I should probably speak. Let him know that I’m happy he’s here, but my vocal cords seem to have seized. He’s much the same, watching on quietly for long drawn out minutes.
The only sound in the room is the clatter of cutlery along Camryn and dad’s plates, my own heavy breathing echoing in my ears.
Without warning, Parker stands abruptly, and Dad and Camryn stop, food halfway to their mouths as their eyes settle on his shaking frame.
“Excuse us,” Parker speaks, eyes still focused on me and without looking to my family, I stand too.
Parker follows me from the dining room, up the stairs, and into my childhood bedroom. The door closes softly behind him and I stand awkwardly in the middle of the space, waiting.
“Thank you for coming to Mira’s funeral,” he starts, rolling his shoulders in discomfort. I hear the sadness in his voice as her name leaves his mouth. His tongue catches in his lips, his eyes glimmering with emotion.
“Wasn’t sure I was welcome, I … When you finally saw me, you looked at me so vacantly.”
A bark of laughter escapes his closed mouth, eyes tipping to the ceiling and back to me.
“Clocked your car the moment you pulled up. Was too scared to look at you in the eye. Selfish reasons,” he smiles sadly. “I didn’t wanna see how I was feelin’ painted clear as day on you. More than that, I was afraid to see the hate in your eyes. Before you walked outta my life, your eyes were shootin’ daggers of hate at me. Wasn’t ready for that to pierce me again.”
I remain quiet, his words drowning me in sadness? In relief? Solace in knowing I wasn’t fighting this tsunami of heartbreak alone, barely holding on as wave after wave of misery and pain crashed against us, making it impossible to fight.
“In the end, couldn’t help myself,” he continues, eyes scanning over teenage Codi’s bedroom. “I threw up every last defense I had left, which was next to nothin’ and I looked,” he finally settles his stare back on me. “Your chaotic eyes were as uncertain and sad as you were, I’m asshole enough to admit all I could feel was relief. Because, although I deserve it, you hating me was enough to make me wanna die.”
He lets that filter between us and I continue to choose my silence. For no other reason than he seems hell-bent on needing to speak.
“I’m sorry,” he starts again, licking his lips and coughing to clear his throat. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Sugar. For everything—”
“Parker,” I cut him off. “I told you, I get it.”
He nods, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. “I know that. I appreciate that you’re not hating on me for what I did, that you’re workin’ to understand the place I was in, still, I’m sorry, baby. For everything. For the stupid fuckin’ plan in the first place, for pulling you in, for deceiving you, for takin’ shit from you that should’na been mine to take, not when I was livin’ a lie. For taking your love and throwin’ it away. All of it. I’m fucking sorry.”
He looks equal parts defeated and relieved by his apology and I take a step to move toward him, needing to touch him. But he stops me with a quick shake of his head, a palm held up in a gesture to wait.
“Let me get all this out first. I need… I never told you the most fuckin’ important thing about me. I should’ve, instead, I held it in here,” he taps a fist against his large chest, his Adam’s apple bobbing with effort against the thickness in his throat. “Without knowin’ it, I let what I felt for you fire my hope and I know I shouldn’t have held onto it without shouting to anyone who would fuckin’ listen, but I held it tight, Codi. Fuck, did I hold on. I let it keep me alive, even when I was sinking into the very depths of hell, you kept me breathin’.”
Inhaling heavily through his nostrils, he clears his throat, his eyes fixated on mine, boring into me with an intensity that makes my cheeks burn.
“I think you know how I feel about you, but you deserve to hear me say the words. Because fuck, Sugar, hearing you tell me you loved me is the greatest fuckin’ memory I have to hold onto. People talk about showin’ someone you love them, that love is in actions, not in words. Makes sense, but it doesn’t hurt hearing the person that makes your heart beat tell you that you’re that person for them too.”
My face softens. I feel it. The gentleness in my eyes, the emotionally clogged happiness drifting along my face.
“I love you, Codi,” he confesses quietly. “First moment you smiled at me, I knew I was fucked,” he barks out a soft laugh. “You kick-started something in here,” he beats a fist against his chest. “I tried so hard to hold onto my resentment, my hate, but it didn’t stand a chance, not against what I felt for you.”
He steps closer, the swirling storm in his gray eyes gliding over my face. “You consume me. Body, mind, fuckin’ soul. You’re all that’s real in my life. You put me back together. Before I even knew I wanted to feel whole again.”
The tears I thought had emptied from my body rush forth, out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I brush them away but they reappear just as fast and then he’s there standing in front of me, his large inked hand sliding across my face to wipe away my tears.
“I love you,” he repeats. “No one in this world can love you as hard as I do. It’s everything that’s important in my life, my love for you. Maybe I don’t deserve you, but that don’t mean that I’m not gonna try my fuckin’ hardest to make you believe I do.”
He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear, his fingers trailing down my jaw, his thumb pulling across my bottom lip. We stand there in silence, his declaration dancing in the breath of space between us, letting our hearts heal with the reality that we found our way back to one another. In this tangled, hopeless mess, we found something worth fighting for. Something worthy. Something unique.
Each other.
“Random fact,” I whisper and he smiles at my lips. “I’m ready for you to kiss me now.”
The fire in his eyes spikes, skating over my face as his large hand holds my jaw, tilting it upward.
I’ve missed this. His rough and needy touches. The dominant way his body directs mine.
Leaning down, his bottom lip pulls against mine, a tease of a touch making my lips part on a shaky exhale.
“Tell me you love me still, that I didn’t fuck everything by bein’ a fuckin’ coward,” he murmurs against my lips.
“I love you,” I respond without hesitation, the declaration kissed across his lips, the way it should’ve been from the very beginning.
He growls his approval, finally sinking his mouth against mine. His lips are soft, but his kiss is not. His lips feel like safety yet his kiss is anything but innocent. It feels almost sinful, immoral, in the best possible way. I guess in truth it is, we’ve been through hell and back, it’s not surprising our kiss feels like a wicked form of worship.
Parker’s tongue strokes dominantly against mine and I moan into his mouth, finding my ability to breathe again after too long without his oxygen. My tongue meets his eagerly and I know he feels the same way, his rough growl sounding right from the back of his throat all the way down my spine.
We lose ourselves in our kiss, or more, we find one another. All the hurt, all the pain we’ve endured, we let this single moment of intimacy swallow it whole. We want it gone from our life. Extinct, without an ability to find traction ever again. We let our love conquer everything we’ve lost; together, apart. Until it’s just Parker and I, lost in a kiss shared by two people who love one another. Nothing less, but a whole lot more.
He pulls away first, his rough groan vibrating against my mouth as his teeth graze my bottom lip. He kisses the spot softly, hand still grasping my jaw tightly as he meets my eyes.
“First time you smiled at me, I knew I was fucked, our first kiss sealed my fate. I never stood a fuckin’ chance against you, Sugar,” he leans down, his swollen lips finding the shell of my ear. “Really fuckin’ glad I didn’t,” he whispers and I pull him closer, relishing in the feeling of being wrapped around him the way I long to.
“Random fact,” he pulls back, his dirty smirk playing along the bruised color of his lips. “Want you so fuckin’ bad it hurts. But I’m thinkin’ we should take this slow, want you to know I want more than a knee to the junk,” he winks and I laugh softly.
“The headbutt could also be arranged.”
His hand drops away from my chin, pulling me into his body and hugging me close.
“More importantly,” I continue, tipping my head back to catch his eyes. “There will be no taking of anything slow, I waited twenty-five years to have sex, you are not holding back on me now I’ve had my taste.”
“Thank fuck,” he groans, planting his lips against my forehead. “Come. Let’s go eat, sooner we’re finished, sooner we’re outta here.”
We’re at the door when he stops, looking down at me. “I think my mom would’a fuckin’ loved that I found you, better, that I somehow convinced you to fall in love with me.”
Dinner finished, Camryn stands moving to clear her plate. “You guys head off, think I might crash here tonight,” she announces unceremoniously.
My cheeks shade involuntarily and I scowl over at here. “Subtle, Ryn.”
She only shrugs, moving from the dining room. “Have fun,” she sings.
Parker moves toward my dad, their hands connecting in a tight handshake, quiet words whispered between them.
It’s nice to see, an acceptance from my father for the man I love. I don’t know what happened between them, likely never will and I’m actually okay with that. All I know is that twenty-four hours ago, Parker had shunned me, turned me away without hope of reconciliation. Next thing I knew, he was sitting at my dinner table with my father’s blessing. I’m just happy it worked out.
***
Walking through my front door, I feel a buzz of nervous excitement vibrating through my veins. He’s fast on my heels, barely a step between us as he trails me into my bedroom. We’re alone, but he still closes the door, shutting us away in our own private space.
“I need to shower. My wallowing may or may not have interfered with my want to bathe over the last twenty-four hours.”
He stalks towards me, starvation in his eyes. Yanking his shirt over his head, he throws it to the floor, his abs contracting with every step closer to me he takes.
“Oh,” I stutter, feeling hunted in the same way I feel desired as he reaches me.
Yanking me toward his body, I hit his solid frame and he lifts me effortlessly, slamming my back against the closest wall.
“Parker, I—”
He cuts off my words with his mouth, his tongue slicing between my lips, massaging my own. His kiss swallows my surprised gasp the same time his hands move into my panties, grabbing hold of my ass.
His hands knead, his tongue massages and I whimper, I claw to get closer.
Pinning me against the wall with his frame, he uses one hand to rip at the small scrap of material covering me. Breaking our kiss, my head slams against the wall, eyes drunk with want, chest heaving with unrivaled need. His eyes meet mine, the gray storm drunk in the same way mine are, his dark lips swollen from our harsh kiss.
Undoing his pants, he keeps my eyes, his face dipping forward, to kiss my lips, before pulling back a breath.
My body feels like it’s on fire. Burning. Hot. Flames scorching over my skin with my unforgiving need of his touch.
His chest meets mine, his lips falling to my neck as the thick head of his cock teases my entrance.
I cry out.
I beg.
I moan.
I plead.
And finally, when I think I’ll die without feeling him inside my body, he surges forward, burying himself completely on one swift thrust.
Neck tipped back, I scream out.
In pleasure.
In pain.
In relief.
“Oh. Parker.”
“Feels so fuckin’ good,” he mumbles into my neck, pausing, his chest pushing against mine with every labored breath.
This is what my body craved. Don’t get me wrong, reaching your peak, your body exploding in a powerful, mind-blowing orgasm is like nothing else. The way you feel almost disconnected from your body from the unrivaled pleasure coursing through you. The way you lose control, your body convulsing, shaking, arching, moving as it needs to, to ride you through your pleasure. It’s like nothing else. Nothing. But this, right here, the single moment of penetration is a close, close second for me. My God. The way Parker stretches me, forcing me to feel every strong, powerful inch of him. Every nerve in my body pulsates in an almost unsatisfied need. So good, but I need more. So much more. The anticipation is at its highest, because I know what’s coming. I know how incredible he can make me feel. Where he can take my body. To that peak I’m chasing. That moment of pleasure that possesses my body until I’m no longer me. Codi doesn’t exist. In her place is a just a combustible ball of energy, readying itself to explode into an abyss. A soul-shattering, mind-blowing, body-quaking abyss.
That single moment, that over-whelming, unparalleled moment, is when I feel most alive.
Parker’s teeth bite into my neck, and I groan, undulating my hips to find relief.
He growls, licking up the column of my neck. Ever so slowly he pulls from my body and I shiver.
“Fuck, I love you,” he meets my eyes, leaning forward to touch his lips against mine.
“Codi. Baby. The shit you do to my heart, to my body. I can’t explain it, I… I just, I love you,” he breathes out desperately. “I love you.”
Cupping his jaw with both my hands, I scan my eyes over his. “Parker. You own me. Mind. Body. Soul. Everything in here.” I drop a hand to my heart, palm open wide over the spot. “It’s yours. Only yours. Forever. I love you, too.”
His lips smash down on mine and we lose ourselves in the manic way in which our bodies need to touch. Parker thrusts heavily in and out of my body, his kiss never ceasing, wanting, needing me to feel him love me.
I feel it.
I live it.
I reciprocate.
It’s crazy to think how far we’ve come from that single moment he walked into my shop, till now. What we’ve each endured. It’s amazing to realize that in such a twisted mess of hate, revenge, deceit, and sorrow that such a fierce love could grow.
But it did.
It fucking flourished.
I have to believe that we would’ve always found one another. Or maybe we were always supposed to meet the way we did. Maybe it was our test. And we more than passed, we aced it, because people search their lives for what Parker and I share, and we found it. In hopeless circumstances, we held on, whether we knew we were or not. We held on as tight as we possibly could, and our tangled love prevailed.