I leaned my head against Jake’s shoulder on the ride to his place, thinking about what I hadn’t told him. What I hadn’t told my mother. What I hadn’t even admitted to myself.

Jake wrapped his arm around me in the backseat of our cab.

And here I was, unable to stop that one part of my brain that never stopped running: my conscience.

He had laid out the embarrassing truth of his life, of his father’s ways and how he vowed never to be like him. I was the one who wasn’t able to level with him, and it intruded on the amazing moment at Charlie’s Bar. At least, from my perspective it did. I hated that dark cloud hanging over us. I felt like we were actually starting something pretty great, and I was tired of hiding behind my hang-ups.

We headed inside, and my heart fluttered, not only because cuddling with Jake in the backseat of the cab had made me feel like I was in heat.

It fluttered because I knew what I had to tell him.

He unlocked his apartment door and opened it for me.

“After you.” He smiled and watched me, desire in his eyes. As soon as I went in, I made a beeline for the bar area. It was surprisingly well stocked, and I could pretty much make any drink I wanted.

“Old-fashioned?” I offered, needing some liquid courage.

“Why, sure bartender. I’d love one.”

I used the recipe that Mr. Barnes had taught me: I started with one giant ice cube, then added one and a half shots of bourbon, a little simple syrup, a tiny bit of demerara cherry juice, and some bitters. To top it off, I added a cherry and a piece of orange skin.

Jake and I, drinks in hand, ambled over to his living room to sit on the couch that overlooked the city lights from up high.

“Cheers,” I said with a fading smile as I stared past him at the tall building behind him, my brain trying to figure out how to tell him what I’d been wanting to tell him.

“Mmm, delicious. You didn’t look me in the eye,” Jake said teasingly. “You know what that means?”

“Please, you are not doing the seven-years-bad-sex routine on me.” I shook my head, still not looking him in the eye.

“I just did. But seriously.” He wrapped a hand around my shoulder. “What’s bothering you?”

“It’s…nothing,” I said, staring into my drink.

“You must think I’m a fucking idiot,” he said, taking a huge swallow of his drink. “Fuck. FUCK!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked, taken aback by his outburst. My heart began to thump erratically. Suddenly I was scared and guarded. His face took on a snarl—similar to the expression of pure hate he’d had when I got robbed, or when he’d punched out Grant.

But that look evaporated quickly. “Sorry. Fuck. It’s not you; it’s me. It’s just…it’s the first time I’ve wanted to fuck someone, not just fuck them, you know what I mean?”

“Uh, sure?”

He took another swig of his drink.

“Andrea, I’m gonna tell you something right now and you cannot fucking tell anyone.”

I was about to confess something that I felt was important, but he beat me to the punch.

“Deal.”

He gripped his drink with a nervous tension that I’d never seen in him before. Focusing his eyes toward me, he spoke. “When I was a sophomore in college, I was dating this girl named Dani. God, I thought I was in love with her.” Jake paused and took a strong pull of his drink. “So one day, practice is rained out. I head back to the house where I was living. And who do I find but Dani, in my fucking bed, banging my floormate, who was also named Danny. Dani fucking Danny. Fuck.”

“What a fucking asshole!”

The words just slipped out, and Jake’s mouth curved instantly into a smile, even in the midst of him remembering such a story.

“I like it when you talk dirty,” he said.

I gave him a look. “Continue your story.”

“I got so pissed…I knocked Danny out—the guy, not the girl, obviously—and put him in the hospital for a couple days.”

Just like he’d done to Grant. Wow, I thought, taking a sip of my drink. But my ex had deserved it, and that whole thing had been his fault, not Jake’s. This Danny thing had not come up in my research on Jake, but then again, if he never talked about it, and the people involved didn’t talk about it, it was much easier to keep things out of view.

“You didn’t get in trouble?” I asked, tentatively.

“He was so embarrassed, he didn’t want to be known around campus as the guy who went around fucking guys’ girlfriends, so he didn’t report me. He could have; he’d had every right to. And it would have ruined my career. I knew I’d gone too far. After that, I promised myself that I’d never lose control like that again.” He paused and looked at me fiercely. “But, when I overheard Grant talking about how he cheated on you, then I saw how he came after you, and the look on your face, it triggered something in me that I’d wanted to forget for a long time.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “I told you, I’ve always had a temper. Living in Blue Island made me tough, and it came in handy, but I just never grew out of it, or beyond it maybe, I don’t know. This is why I don’t want people to know that part of me, or my past. One, I don’t want any pity or cautionary tales spun from my childhood and how I turned out as an adult. Two, it’s why I don’t fight the party image of me, because it makes up for my hot-headedness on the mound, and maybe my asshole attitude off of it. I’ve always had a chip on my shoulder, and it’s always gotten me into trouble. But anyone hurting those I care about drives me crazy.”

I fixated on a few words he had said and repeated them in my head. Those he cared about…

“The ironic thing was, even though it sucked at the time—I mean, damn, did I ever dodge a bullet by not wasting any more time with Dani.”

Jake’s grip around my shoulders grew stronger, and my eyes started welling up with tears. “I need to tell you something,” I said, empowered by his confession.

“What? God, what? Was it something I said?”

I took a deep breath. “I’ve never told anyone this. But the reason Grant and I broke up in college—”

I stopped short. I didn’t want to come out with it. And I’d been hiding this for so long from everyone. There was no one I trusted with this information. I felt they would judge me or see me as a victim. Or worse, they wouldn’t believe me.

I continued. “When we first started dating, it wasn’t bad, y’know? We had fun. There were times I thought he was a great guy, the old Grant from middle school. He seemed to understand me, but it was all a lie. He got more controlling, treating me like a possession. And when I found him cheating on me, he said it was my fault because I wouldn’t sleep with him. He pressured me a lot. And when I refused, especially if he’d been drinking, he…yelled a lot. But he also got physical sometimes. That was what pushed me to leave him.”

Silence hung between us. Jake had turned toward me on the couch and had both of his arms wrapped around me now. I could feel him. “Physical?” he asked, slowly.

“When I’d tell him no, or confronted him about his cheating, and when I tried to leave him he—”

“What?” he said when I didn’t continue. His body had tensed, as though waiting for a punch he knew was coming. “He what, Andrea?”

“H-he slapped me a few times,” I said, in a big rush. My voice trembled like a leaf blowing in the wind. “Sometimes…really hard. Sometimes…so hard I couldn’t even leave my apartment for a few days.”

I’d never told anyone this. Not even my teammates, who I’d been the closest to. Oh, they saw, but I could blame a bruise on a game or practice. I’d always made an excuse because I didn’t want to be that girl who didn’t know when to leave an abusive relationship. I hadn’t wanted to look weak. I’d finally left him when I learned he would never change and that he could really hurt me. Luckily, because he was being drafted when I broke up with him, he’d let me go. Or so I’d thought.

Jake’s face went red with rage, and he started glancing all around the room, as if his mind needed to get loose. “I’ll kill him. I’ll fucking kill him!”

He let go of me, got up off the couch, and literally started looking for his keys, as if he was going to jump in his car and go get Grant right that minute.

“Baby, stop! It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not okay. Clearly you are still—did you just call me baby?”

I put my hands on my hips and licked my lips. Jake had the keys to his car in his hand, like he was ready to go. As much as I hated his temper, his protective behavior was getting me worked up.

“I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying right now.”

Jake took a few deep breaths and tossed his keys aside.

“Where are you going to go anyway? You realize Grant is probably back in Jersey by now?”

Jake put his hands on his hips. Our eyes locked and didn’t waver from each other. Slowly, my frown and his rage began to transform into something else. I saw a soft smile tug at his lips, and I couldn’t help but smile myself, even as tears streamed down my cheeks.

“That was possibly the single cutest gesture anyone has ever made for me, though.”

I felt his anger and tension dissipate, as though he felt calmer with me near him. It felt so good to finally tell someone, to confide in Jake all the things that had bothered me. I felt like I could breathe again; no heaviness, no more resistance to what I wanted for myself.

Jake’s body visibly loosened, releasing the tension that had built up. We both started laughing at the same time, chuckling slowly at first until we began one of those laughs that was impossible to stop. Jake was so protective of me that he had entered into a fog and didn’t even account for the fact that Grant was likely long gone, and I hoped that was a fact.

Our laughing slowed, and Jake charged toward me like a bull heading for a red cape. When he reached me, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me against his body. I slipped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder, feeling the weight from the past year fall away.

“You know that none of that was your fault, right?” he asked quietly, into my hair. “That Grant was completely in the wrong, for all of it, and you didn’t deserve how he treated you?”

My breath caught, but I nodded, hugging him into me even more.

“I’m proud that you knew when to walk away, that you didn’t let him win.” He paused. “Mostly, I’m sorry you’ve been holding onto that for so long, Andrea,” he whispered.

“Me too,” I whispered back, tears threatening again. I held onto Jake tighter yet and let go of all the ugliness I’d been keeping inside. “But I’m glad I finally told someone. I’m glad that person was you. So thank you for believing me.”

He just held me for the longest time, like he’d do it forever if I wanted to. “All this bullshit in our lives sucks, but maybe there’s a reason for it. I mean, if I weren’t such a total asshole, Mr. Yerac wouldn’t have forced you and your PR advice on me.”

“Jake,” I whispered softly. “I like you. You’re nothing like what they say about you.”

His breath close to mine, he answered, “I like you too. I like when you call me baby. I like when you swear. I like when you…fucking stand there. Shit! And when I hear how that douchebag touched you, my God, I don’t even want to think about it. But I know that somehow, in some fucked up way, it’s brought us here. And it’s brought us closer together. Do you feel close to me right now?”

I stared up at his face. I wasn’t a bold girl normally, but I was done containing myself.

I’d been restraining my desires for a long while, out of fear and shame, and now, the drought was over. I reached for the bottom of his shirt and started pulling it up.

He was a little surprised, but that was all it took for him to take over. He slipped his shirt off and tossed it behind him.

I ran my hands over the mirror image tattoos on his body. I still hadn’t asked about those, but I would.

But not right now.

He pushed me backwards into the couch so that I landed on my back on the cushions. I arched my head back, and he took the opportunity to concentrate his wet lips on my neck, his hands on my breasts. He paused and flashed his brown eyes at me like I was his prey. Without breaking eye contact, he reached his hand down my thigh and up to my ass, caressing the skin underneath my skirt. He pressed his hips into me, and I felt him through his pants.

The Big Unit.

I returned his gaze and moaned, grabbing his shoulder with my hand because I needed something to anchor onto. He circled his hand from my ass and brought it around the front of my thigh, bringing my skirt farther up my waist. He ran his finger inside my thong along my sex.

“Your pussy is wet as fuck.”

“Your cock is hard as hell.”

I let out a gasp and felt myself ready to release all the pent-up stress. I rubbed his length through his jeans and began to unbuckle and unzip him, all the while kissing his neck. The stubble on his face felt a little prickly, and I liked it.

I yanked on his jeans and he pulled them down.

“Fuck.”

“Good girl,” he said, watching me as I knelt down to stroke him through his boxers. He pulled at my tank top, and I lifted up my arms so he could take it off. He reached down and stroked my breasts through my bralette.

I put my hand on the outline of his cock through his briefs.

“I want to hear you say it,” he said.

“Say what?”

“I want you to tell me that you want me to fuck you.”

I hesitated. I couldn’t believe this was happening as I touched him. But it felt right.

“Not ready for that? Okay,” Jake said in a low voice. He was on his knees on the couch, smiling down at me. “That’s fine. But you’ll have to reach your hand down between your legs.”

“Jake, I…”

He reached his hand down to my face and aimed my chin up toward him. “Do it just like you did over the phone, Andrea. I want to watch.”

Slowly, I moved a hand between my legs and snuck a finger underneath the fabric of my thong, my skirt bunched at my waist. Jake, still kneeling, watched me, and I whimpered as I touched the outside of my clit.

“God damn, you have no idea how hot you are right now,” he growled.

“Neither do you,” I managed to say as Jake took down his boxers.

I let out another noise between a whimper and a moan. His eyes never left mine.

“Say it,” he commanded.

“I…want…you.”

“Good girl. You’re almost there,” he said, smirking. “Just be a little more specific.”

“Jake, please.”

“Jake, please what?”

I swallowed. “Jake, please. Fuck me,” I managed to pant.

“That’s more like it.”

Jake wrapped his hand around the side of my neck and ear and signaled for me to stand up, so I did. He pulled off my skirt and brought my thong down around my ankles. He pulled me back onto the couch, hovering over me as I lay with my arms above my head on the couch. I felt the heat of his body barely touching me, teasing me with what was about to come as he gently kissed my neck. Then he removed my bra and focused his kisses on my breasts. Finally, he looked up, his face inches from mine.

“This is going to be your first time,” he whispered. He ran a hand through my hair.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know how I found you, but I feel so lucky. You’re gorgeous, you’re incredible, and you’re mine.”

I was slow to respond, dazed while looking at Jake’s face from inches away.

“I’m yours,” I finally managed to say. I felt like I was on a high.

“Let’s go to the bedroom,” he said, and I didn’t respond, a silly smile on my face.

He got up off the couch, took my hand, and led me to his bedroom.

Once on the bed, he pounced on me, and we made out, our hands touching each other in every spot we could find, each wanting to know every square inch of the other’s flesh.

“Oh God,” I moaned, my legs quivering as his hand found its way between my thighs. The tip of his finger lightly grazed the top of my slit. I arched my back and squirmed, the pleasure running through me like a ticking time bomb of ecstasy had been released inside me.

“Jake,” I moaned.

“Andrea,” he groaned back to me, a soft smirk on his face while he stared into my eyes.

I reached down and felt him.

“I need you,” I moaned. “Please.”

“Say it. Again.”

My chest heaved, my skin burned, and my heart ached. “I want you inside me. Now.”

I stared down at his package, hard as a rock, and a fleeting thought passed through me.

“It’ll fit.” He smiled, reading my mind. He leaned his body into mine and whispered. “I’ll make sure you’re nice and wet just to make sure.”

I’m not sure I can get much wetter, I thought, a burning between my thighs.

For a few moments he massaged the outside of my pussy with his cock. I whimpered.

“Jake. Don’t tease me. Please. I’m done waiting. I want you so bad.”

“You’re so sexy when you beg like that,” he said. “Just hang on.”

Suddenly Jake was gone. He was back just as suddenly. From his pants he had grabbed a golden foil packet. I watched as he opened it and slipped the condom on.

He slipped the tip in and I expanded. For the first few pumps he stayed shallow. I felt the weight of his body on top of me as he slowly moved back and forth.

“Don’t hold back. I want all of you,” I whispered hoarsely, reaching my hand up and grabbing the hair on the back of his neck. He paused for a moment, still inside me, and I kissed him on the lips. “All of you,” I whispered.

Jake kissed my forehead. “What my lady wants…she gets.”

He slowly pushed all the way in, one inch at a time. I whimpered and gripped his arms.

“Don’t stop looking at me.” He brought his hand to my neck and wrapped it around my hair. “Because I love watching your eyes while I fuck you.”

“Okay.”

He plunged in and out of me a few times, slowly letting me get used to him. “So tight. How does it feel, Andrea?”

“My God Jake,” I responded. “It feels fucking amazing.”

He was so patient, so careful, sensing how I was feeling for the first time. The truth was that I didn’t have any of the pain that some of my friends had talked about. Jake fit snugly in me, and on top of me, like we were puzzle pieces created for each other.

I ground my hips faster, and Jake sensed my need and sped up the pace. With every thrust I felt myself fill up and empty within seconds.

Finally, I saw Jake let loose, and the animal in him came out. He fucked me like I’d been needing it, the way I imagined it would go.

“Fuck, you feel amazing. Jesus.”

With every thrust, I felt myself climbing higher on the rollercoaster. I had closed my eyes, focusing on the sensations, but now I opened them to watch Jake’s eyes flutter with pleasure. He gripped my waist and pulled me into him with every stroke.

I got to the top of the rollercoaster and let out a loud moan. Jake noticed my vocal change and turned animalistic, letting out a loud growl. The upward spiral took me to the brink.

“Fuck. I’m coming…” I whined.

“Come baby. I want you to come.”

I let out a scream that surprised even me, then felt my entire body overcome with a shudder. I screamed again and grabbed hold of Jake so he could anchor me down.

“Fucking hot,” Jake groaned. Perhaps he was responding to my vocal cue, and soon I felt his cock pulsating as he growled and gripped every inch of my flesh that he could get his hands on.

His growl turned feral as he came, pushing deep inside me.

After the fact, we lay still for a few moments, skin sticking together and chests heaving. Eventually he pulled out, took off the condom, tied it up, and tossed it in the trash. I lay with my arms back against the pillow and an ear-to-ear grin.

“Come,” Jake said, motioning me to his side of the bed as he sat back down on the mattress.

“Already did.” I smiled with a confused expression.

Jake chuckled. “I mean come here. Come into me.”

I scooted to his side, and he wrapped me up in his arms. The AC was on, but our bodies were so hot together, I was surprised there wasn’t steam coming off us.

“Jake, thanks,” I said, still breathless and dazed.

“Thank you? Fuck, this is a win-win situation.”

“Oh really, how is it win-win?”

“Remember what we said at the beginning? Your pussy is wet and—”

“Your cock is hard,” I said, cutting him off. “Well, was hard,” I joked.

“You keep up this attitude and it won’t be long before that changes,” he said, stroking my hair.

“Really? That’s all it takes?”

He shook his head. “You know I like it when you talk dirty.”

The truth was, I didn’t mind it either. Smiling, I settled against his chest and fell asleep.