I like him better than my friends.
It’s a crummy, traitorous thought to have, but it’s there. It’s only after talking to him that I realize what real friendship is supposed to feel like…if you can even call it that. Now when I sit down to lunch with my cheerleading friends, I understand how much of it is just a performance, how much of it is just strategy and politics. I have to pretend to like Tara’s boyfriend even if he’s bad for her, I have to go to Ella’s party even though she said something bitchy to me last week…I’m exhausted. I’m tired, and I’m trapped.
The days when we have a lab are delightful—we laugh and talk and tell stories over a microscope or a dead frog. But even the days when Ms. Eliot is lecturing to us…the days when I can only get a few words in at the beginning and end of class…even those days make me happy, and I can hardly say why. I realize it doesn’t matter, and it’s just because he’s there. I feel him next to me, and I feel safe.
I feel real. I feel understood.
Okay. Breathe. Stay cool. It’s just a party. Just a party with all your new coworkers and your first love you haven’t seen since high school. Just a party that could send your life and career spiraling out of control if you make one wrong move.
Oh, fuck.
I’m on my way up the elevator and wiping my sweaty palms on my dress. My stupid, stupid dress I spent hours agonizing over. Professional for the coworkers, yet sexy for Kirk. I tried. I found a red bubble dress with a sweetheart neckline that accentuated my cleavage, paired with a black cardigan in case I felt I needed to lean towards a more professional look. It would be a miracle if I left this party alive and unscathed.
At the same time, a tiny, girlish excitement rushed through my veins as I watched the numbers go up on the elevator display…I’m only a few floors away from Kirk.
I winced slightly as the doors opened in front of me, I collected myself, walked tall, walked indifferent, and stepped out.
“Marissa!” said Johnathan the second I walked in. “I’m so glad you made it!” He took my arm and led me to center of the room. “Everyone, I want you to meet Marissa Hayes, she’s our new board member, and she’s brilliant!” I blushed as I felt the crowd of well-dressed young professionals eyeing me. “Let’s give her a warm welcome tonight!” Everyone broke out into applause, but I just kept scanning the room. Where was he.
Johnathan led me over to the drinks table. “Can I get you anything?” he asked.
“A glass of chardonnay would be fabulous,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief as people got back to their conversations. “So, any first office party advice?”
“Hm…” Johnathan said, scanning the room. “Cassidy will definitely try to seduce you, but don’t fall for it, um, the apple tarts are good but the sugar cookies Sabryna brought definitely aren’t…um…that’s about it.” He shrugged and smiled.
“Thanks,” I said, and gave him a polite smile. I wondered if Johnathan always acted like he was on top of the world or if he had just had one too many cups of the holiday sangria.
I felt a momentary panic as I was left alone at the drinks table, until Sabryna approached me with a smile.
“Hey again!” Sabryna said. “How’s your first Torver holiday extravaganza?”
I smiled again with relief, glad to have another friendly face around. “Pretty good so far.”
Sabryna gave me a mischievous smile, “Whew, well let me tell you, you sure did choose an interesting time to join this company.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“See over there,” Sabryna said, pointing towards Johnathan, who was practically giggling with a pretty brunette woman in the corner of the room. “That’s Samantha Doyle, who used to be the CEO of Wordsworth before we acquired them. They hated each other. I mean, good lord, did those two want to tear each other’s throats out, but now, I guess…”
“…they want to tear each other’s clothes off?”
Sabryna laughed. “Pretty much.”
I felt myself jump as I noticed Kirk walking in from the other side of room. Oh god, oh crap, here we go.
“So,” Sabryna said. “What do you do when you’re not working?”
“Oh…Oh! I um…I read sometimes, and uh…” I stuttered, watching Kirk from the corner of my eye. It was definitely him, but…
Dear god, did he get sexy.
“What are you reading?” Sabryna asked, and I tried not to be rude as my eyes looked him up and down. Kirk had lost his skinny high-school body and the bit of baby fat in his cheeks. He still stood tall, at over six feet, but now he looked like he must be completely ripped underneath his suit. He had just a bit of stubble and a nearly shaved head, and he wore a nerdy-yet-sexy pair of glasses with dark red frames that complemented the dark cocoa of his skin.
Crap, crap, crap.
I noticed Sabryna staring at me. “Oh,” I said, “Not much. Just uh…mysteries. I like mysteries a lot. Agatha Christie, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, I could go on.”
“Did you read Gone Girl? I just loved it, but I thought the movie…”
I zoned out Sabryna’s words as I tried to watch Kirk’s movements. He was talking to Johnathan now, and it was only a matter of time before he saw me.
“Are you okay, Marissa?” Sabryna asked with concern. “You look a little out of it, if you don’t mind me saying.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, it’s cool,” I lied, taking another sip of wine. “Just a little tired.”
Sabryna looked at me skeptically, and excused herself.
Great. Now one person thinks I’m a total flake.
I wandered over to the food table to sample some of the tiny appetizer crackers…all topped with an assortment of expensive looking and unidentifiable toppings. One was definitely caviar, and then there were some cheeses I’d probably never be able to pronounce, and then—
Oh, shit, he saw me.
He definitely saw me.
I had looked down the second I had noticed it, avoiding eye contact, and now I was really panicking. I grabbed one of the enigmatic appetizer crackers and bit into it carefully as I watched Kirk stride over to Johnathan, his eyes wide.
Now he was panicking. I don’t know what I expected, really.
I could sense the two of them watching me as I continued to nonchalantly gaze around the room. I admired the ice sculpture, I clapped for the pianist. I stared at one of the brightly-colored abstract paintings and pretended to have some deep thoughts about it. I tried to look busy.
I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I might be a little smug about the fact that he seemed to be freaking out this much. But yikes, was this awkward.
When I ran out of random stuff to look at, I gravitated towards a group of people by the drinks station and chatted with them, a bunch of accountants who were deep into a debate about last year’s Oscars.
“Marissa!” I turned around to see Sabryna again. “You’re from Buffalo, right?”
I gulped. “Yup.”
“Well you’re not going to believe this,” she said excitedly, dragging me by the arm across the room.
Oh, I could believe it.
“Our top lawyer here at Torver Corporation is also from Buffalo,” she said, and we turned the corner, and there he was.
Time did not so much stop as much as melt, blurring around us as we looked at each other. Seeing him again felt like finding an old toy in the attic and being shocked that the batteries still function, that the spark still lit up in the same old way. Years had passed, so much had changed…we had changed…but I think we both understood the unique magic of that moment, of how surprisingly familiar our connection felt without words even passing between us.
“Ahem,” Sabryna interrupted. “Marissa, this is Kirk Atkins, our top lawyer here at Torver Corporation, and Kirk, this is—”
“We’ve met, actually,” Kirk said, maintaining eye contact with me, the newly deepened yet strangely familiar baritone of his voice sending shivers down my spine.
“Really?” Sabryna asked, and I could tell that she intuitively sensed something deeper going on. She waited for us to explain.
But how on earth could what happened between us ever be explained?
“Kirk and I were friends in high school,” I said, looking back up at him. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“Nice to see you again too,” Kirk said, and I winced at our small talk, how burdened it was with the unsaid.
“Well, I’ll leave you two to catch up,” Sabryna said with a smile, pleased that she had matched the two Buffalo natives, and walked away.
Kirk and I both laughed awkwardly as soon as Sabryna left…at what, I couldn’t really say. But the fact of the matter was that we were standing here facing each other after all these years apart, with everything to say but no way to say it. And it was terrifying…and exhilarating.
I glanced down at Kirk’s muscled forearms and quickly looked away. The man was emitting raw sexual energy without even trying, and it was making it rather difficult to focus on what was already a difficult conversation.
“So, when did you move out here from Buffalo?” I asked.
Kirk put his hands in his pockets and leaned back against the wall. “Right after college, actually. I got a job offer in Seattle a couple months after graduating from Columbia, and here I am.”
“I always said you’d do great things,” I said, touching him on the arm. He flinched away and adjusted his red glasses. I tried not to be offended.
“Yeah, you did,” Kirk said, and gave me a polite smile. “You’ll like Seattle, I think.”
“I hope so.”
“Excuse me,” Kirk said. “I have to go talk to Johnathan about something.” He gave me a quick smile and made a fast exit. I felt my heart sink heavy in my chest.
“See you,” I said, but he was already walking away.
Kirk was being polite, and being nice, as Kirk always had and I’m sure always would…but he was being cold, and I sensed it. The way Kirk joked around with the people at the party was lighter, was more like him. He wanted nothing to do with me. After all these years, he still hadn’t forgiven me.
But I wouldn’t have forgiven myself either.