Marissa liking me would be insane. Girls like her barely even looked at guys like me, much less had any interest in dating us. But then why was I getting this strange impression from her…this feeling like she wanted us to be more than friends? I thought about the way she had smiled over at me while we laid down in the grass in her backyard the other night, and how happy she looked…far happier than she ever was when I saw her clustered around her friends in the hallways. I watched as she looked at me discreetly during class or touched my arm as we passed our textbooks back and forth. If it was anyone besides Marissa Hayes, I’d be convinced enough to call it flirting.
But I’m only fooling myself…right?
I’m still not sure how I feel about the holidays at the Torver Corporation. When I say Johnathan tends to go all out, I mean he goes all out. I can barely walk in a straight line without tripping over a Kinara or a Menorah or a snowman that dances every time you get near it. Usually, as a Buffalo native, the sudden influx of winter cheer was welcome, but this year, especially with the Marissa situation, I just wasn’t feeling it. There was nothing like the joy of the holidays to remind you of how much joy your life usually lacked.
Johnathan really isn’t much of a Christmas guy himself, but he is practical. He likes to get all of the cringe-worthy office bonding crap started early in December. That way, most of us can get through the month slightly drunk. It tended to make our office an interesting environment. Something odd was always going on and interrupting our work day, there was either a Christmas cracker popping open in your ear or mistletoe hanging over your head. One year there was an acapella group that broke down the door to my office, and the year after that there was a cookie baking workshop I had to attend that put me way behind on work for a case. I wasn’t really feeling any of the spontaneity after that party though…seeing Marissa again was enough surprise to last a lifetime.
I walked into work with a thermos of green tea, my favorite red and blue plaid wool scarf, and a nervous feeling in my stomach about having to see Marissa again. I’m feeling a little bit guilty about having been so cold to her at the party the other night, but the skinny, high school nerd that still lived somewhere under my newer and buffer exterior reminded me to stay vigilant.
I don’t care how long ago it was. She hurt me once, so I won’t trust her twice.
The office seems to be empty except for some muttering and laughing from down the hall, and I realize that everyone has gathered in the conference room. I open the door, and everyone is wearing Santa hats.
Great. Just great.
“Kirk!” Johnathan says, pulling out a chair for me. “We’re doing Secret Santa again this year!” I laughed as Sabryna ceremoniously stuck a Santa hat on my head. “It’s your turn to draw a name.”
I chuckled nervously as a plastic bowl with paper name slips slid across the table towards my chair. I saw Marissa in the other corner with some of the other new employees. She looked pretty in her work clothes, even first thing in the morning. Her brown hair fell in short but defined waves around her shoulders, and her bright green eyes lit up as she surveyed the room, the same enigmatic jungles that they had always seemed to me. I took a deep breath as I reached in and drew out a slip of paper, saying a silent prayer that I would choose anyone but…
Oh fuck. Fuck.
I tried to keep a poker face as I slipped the paper into my pocket. Of all people in this stupid conference room, I had to pick Marissa. Marissa Hayes! I had to buy a gift for Marissa Hayes. Yikes, there was going to be so much pressure associated with this now…I mean, even a slightly wrong gift could send the wrong message. Maybe I’ll just get her a gift card. A Starbucks gift card. Yes. Welcome to Seattle, Marissa, birthplace of Starbucks. If you’re lucky, you’ll still be alive and kicking by the time you get to the end of our extra-long, city length coffee lines. You’ll probably—
“Who’d you get?” Sabryna asked, interrupting my train of thought, and I nearly jumped out of my seat.
“Oh!” I said, biting my lip. “Well, they do call it Secret Santa for a reason.”
“True,” Sabryna said, looking at me suspiciously. “Hopefully Cassidy didn’t draw your name. Or mine. He’s notoriously cheap. Last year he got me a bag of chocolates that I’m pretty sure came from the gas station down the road.”
“Uh huh,” I said, looking over at Marissa. She was talking to some of the accountants, and I tried not to stare too hard at the way her body was draped across her chair. She had on a long sleeved black sweater dress that accentuated her curves, and a thin pair of pantyhose covered her shapely, tan legs, which ended in a sharp-heeled pair of black pumps. I wondered suddenly what she’d look like without the dress, standing in just her pantyhose and heels in my office.
Stop it. You can’t.
People began to clear out of the conference room once the names were drawn and I shifted in my seat as Marissa walked over towards my chair.
“Hey Kirk,” she said, and I could tell she was seeking some sort of apology or explanation for how I acted last night. Well, too damn bad.
“Hey,” I said, looking down at my briefcase. God, she was still so attractive, too attractive, to the extent where it made it hard to talk to her without making a complete fool of myself.
“I’ve really been enjoying working here so far,” Marissa said, shrugging with a smile. “I hope it lasts.”
“Yeah,” I said flatly, still looking down.
“What is up with you, Kirk?” Marissa demanded suddenly.
I felt a pang of terror in my chest at her sudden accusation. “Nothing, you know, I just—”
“You’re not still mad at me about what happened, are you?”
I felt myself tense up as she met my eyes, as we finally acknowledged the elephant in the room.
“Of course not,” I said, queasy with dishonesty. “I mean, we were just kids, right?”
“Yeah,” Marissa said, her eyes full of regrets. “Just kids.”