Chapter Ten
Much later that evening, Colin walked slowly to the study he shared with his brother, whenever Kit opted to use it, which was a rarity, as Kit spent more time out of the family house than he did in it. But lately, they had crossed paths in there more often than they had in the last ten years, and he’d just had it confirmed that Kit was, in fact, at home. He was glad for that. There was much to tell him.
He’d spent much of the day with Susannah, rekindling the friendship they had lost, laughing and smiling and reliving the best days of their youth. The gaunt and hollow look she had been wearing of late was finally beginning to dissipate, and it soothed his heart every time he brought a smile to her face. There were no words to describe what was happening to him, and he had been absolutely stunned by his admission to Susannah that the past no longer mattered.
What had been even more shocking to him had been that he had meant it.
Somewhere, somehow, that resentful and bitter corner of his heart that had flared to life sporadically over the last fifteen years was suddenly gone. He was not perfectly content with how things had played out, and he still had more questions than he could contemplate, but his anger was gone. His hatred was gone. All that remained was curiosity, concern, and an inexplicable budding excitement somewhere in the pit of his stomach.
It was the most unfathomable transformation, one he had long thought impossible.
He rubbed at his eyes and sighed as he hesitated outside of the study door. How in the world was he to explain any of this to his brother? He could not manage to explain it to himself.
And if he was to be spending more time with Susannah, and bringing Tibby into the fray, then he would have to include his friends. There was no predicting what a melee of insanity that would bring forth.
But what could he tell any of them? How could he give them any information when he had none?
At what point did his long-hidden past need to be brought to light?
“Colin, I can hear you breathing,” Kit called softly from within the room. “Don’t skulk, I have already had to deal with Rosie doing that.”
Colin sighed and pushed the door open, a half smile on his face. “That sounds interesting,” he said as he came in, rubbing at his hair sheepishly. “What did she do?”
Kit was surprisingly relaxed as he sat behind the desk, his coat off, cravat loosened, and waistcoat unbuttoned. He quirked a brow and a corner of his mouth curved up. “She managed to confuse four maids, two footmen, and Bartlet himself into thinking that there were several small creatures skittering about the house, that clothing had gone missing, and that Ginny was only speaking in French.”
Colin could not help but to bark a laugh, and he covered his mouth quickly when Kit gave him an exasperated frown. “Why did she do that?”
One imperious brow rose. “She is your sister.”
That explained it.
“You sure she isn’t yours?” Kit asked with a hint of a mischievous grin.
Colin snorted. “Positive.”
Still, it was rather uncanny just how like him she was turning out to be.
“Bartlet was livid,” Kit continued, leaning back with a sigh. “I only just got him calm enough to stop talking about the south of France and some cousin with a farm…”
“Bartlet on a farm?” Colin snickered and sank into a chair, covering his eyes. “Can’t you just see him in his evening wear behind a plow?”
“No,” Kit laughed, shaking his head. Then he sighed. “I had to scold Rosie. I’m afraid I was a bit harsh with her, and she didn’t take it well.”
“I can imagine not.” Colin dropped his hand and rolled his gaze to his brother.
Kit was watching him. “Perhaps if someone else had been here to help…?”
Colin sobered and sat up in his chair. “I know. I had only meant to be gone for an hour, perhaps two, but…” He trailed off, wondering just how to do this.
“Colin, what is going on with you?”
His twin’s voice was calm, but the hint of concern was clear.
Colin paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “There are a few things I need to make you aware of. Some situations that have arisen. And I have decided something that will in some ways directly involve you.”
“Me?” Kit asked with wide eyes. “What are you talking about?”
In low tones, Colin told him everything that had happened in the last few days. His meetings with Susannah and his attempts to find her work, his concerns of her frail figure, how extensive he believed the debts to be. Then he ventured into this morning’s surprise meeting, and all that Lady Greversham had said, the decision to involve Tibby in the search for work for Susannah, and last of all, the revelation of the existence of her son.
Kit listened quietly, his eyes fixed on Colin with their usual intensity, never saying a word. When Colin had finished, Kit’s mouth was parted in surprise, and his eyes were wide.
“I don’t know what came over me,” Colin said as he gripped the back of his neck. “I thought of that boy being in some random hovel in London all alone while Susannah tries to find work, and I just thought of the girls. I couldn’t imagine them in such a state, it was too horrifying, and she has nowhere else to go.”
“So you thought we would be the best place for him?” Kit asked, not sounding particularly fond of the idea, but neither was he making any refusals.
Colin huffed in irritation. “I know. It’s not ideal, but…”
Kit scoffed. “When has that ever stopped you?”
Colin managed a wan smile.
His twin eyed him closely, then sighed. “Colin, of course I don’t mind if the boy comes here. He can stay forever for all I care; it might do the girls some good. You said you wanted to help Susannah, and that is certainly something we can do, by all means. My concern is you.”
Colin snorted and averted his eyes. “What about me?”
Kit flashed a tight smile. “What are you even doing, Colin? You want to take in the boy of the woman you have despised for years, the one who broke you and left you in pieces. You are bending over backwards to help her, and it makes me nervous. I am concerned that you are being too quick to jump, too eager to please, too…”
“Too nice?” Colin asked with a sneer. “I thought I was supposed to be the nice one.”
Kit only looked at him. He knew Colin too well to think his petulance anything but a defense.
Colin leaned his head back. “I don’t know what happened, Kit. Every time I see her, the past grows foggier in my mind. I can’t hate her, not anymore. I see her now, the fear in her eyes, the weakness in her body, how she struggles, and I cannot stand by. In spite of everything, I still care. Far more than I ever thought, it seems, and I don’t want to go on as I was. I want a fresh start with her, Kit. I don’t understand, but the past is irrelevant now.”
“Enough that you want to pass her son off as one of our siblings?” This was said without rancor, but Colin winced.
“I know, and I am sorry. I just…”
Kit waved a hand. “I have concerns, but I am ready to do it if I must. So long as you have your intentions aligned properly. I won’t see you hurt again, and I refuse to let you become a master of vengeance. You would be far too good at it, and not even I could save you then.”
Colin was oddly touched by his words. He knew his brother would be unfailingly loyal, but he had never understood how deep their bond was on his end. Kit was a puzzle to all, and while Colin knew him better than anyone, he was still a puzzle.
“You don’t have to be involved if you prefer not,” Colin said softly, leaning forward and folding his hands. “I’ll do all of it.”
“You’ll manage the boy and finding Susannah work and the rest of your life? And still have the ability to be a stable adult influence to our sisters?” Kit scoffed. “Highly unlikely. You’ll bungle something up, if not multiple things.”
Colin grinned. “Well, I can try, at any rate.”
Kit returned it briefly. “I cannot be here all the time, you know, to mind the girls while you run circles around your youth. I have obligations. And I am not sure you know this, but I have a house of my own. In London.”
Now it was Colin’s turn to raise a brow. “Have you?”
Kit looked a bit sheepish. “Yes. It seemed appropriate. A man of mystery must have mysteries, after all.”
“I figured you had something of the sort, but I never tried to investigate it.”
It made sense, now that he thought about it again. Kit was always disappearing without a word, supposedly to lands unknown, but he would suddenly reappear. Letters to him would get answered far too quickly for someone out of the city, but no one could verify where he was within the city. Colin trusted his brother enough not to ask questions, but that did not mean there were none.
“It’s in St. James,” Kit told him. “I can be a perfect recluse there and no one cares. Why didn’t you look into it, if you suspected? I know you have the resources.”
Colin shrugged and gave him a frank look. “I thought you deserved privacy, even from me. Who was I to invade that?”
“Thank you,” Kit said with a faint smile. “But with the girls being here, and now gaining Susannah’s son, I will spend as much time here as I can.”
Colin nodded and sat back in his chair once more. “What do you think of all of this, Kit?” he finally asked, feeling drained. “I mean honestly, what?”
Kit watched him for a long moment. “I think… I think you are in trouble. Possibly great trouble.” He tilted his head as if considering Colin from a new angle, and there was the barest hint of a smile in his face. “And I am not sure if I want to help or simply watch.”
Susannah arrived in the middle of the morning, as they had discussed the day before, and it took Colin a few minutes to settle his nerves and anxieties before he could venture out into the hall. Kit had been sitting with him and he watched Colin carefully, silently giving his support to whatever Colin decided. It was ironic, Colin had been the one to suggest all of these things, yet he had not slept the entire night, second guessing his decisions, and second guessing his second guesses.
It was four in the morning before he made his final decision, which was that Susannah needed him, and everything else was just details.
The hours that had passed between then and now had been an entire lifetime. He had sent the girls off to Tibby’s for their very first music lesson, as much to have them out of the house for all of this as anything else. Besides that, it did make sense to do so, as they had no instruments here, which was shocking and nearly scandalous, according to Tibby. They would remedy that, he vowed to her, but that seemed of little consequence at the moment. There were far more pressing matters at hand.
In his opinion, Susannah was late, and he was irritated about it. But as she was here now, was here at all, he supposed he could live with that.
His irritation faded into excitement as he rose and went to exit the study, Kit following him silently.
Susannah was dressed very simply today, in a grey frock that had seen better days, but fit her far better than anything she had worn when he had first seen her. Her bonnet and cloak had already been taken, and her honey-colored hair was fixed tightly at her neck, highlighting her flawless bone structure. If she were not quite so fragile, she would have been the picture of an ideal woman.
As it was, she was still the closest to perfection he had ever seen.
Next to her, clutching her hand and looking around at the entryway in awe, was a small boy with dark, curly hair, though in every other aspect he was the picture of his mother, right down to those delightful green-tinted eyes. He made no secret of his delight with the house, craning his neck this way and that in an attempt to take it all in.
Colin felt the urge to smile at the sight, which was as unexpected as it was amusing. He was seeing Susannah’s child, something he had never wanted, never thought about, and the boy was so like what Susannah had been it was uncanny. He had the sudden idea that this could all be more fun than he thought.
“Good morning,” Colin greeted them as warmly as he could. “Welcome to our home.”
Susannah smiled at him, and he could see the touch of nerves. She curtseyed properly. “Good morning.”
Colin glanced at Kit, who had come just behind him to his left. He was staring at Susannah in the sort of stunned astonishment that did not encourage anything except insecurity, and were Kit a man of less control, there was no doubt his mouth would be gaping wide. Colin knew exactly what had him so shocked.
Colin had grown used to Susannah’s wasted and sunken appearance. Kit had only ever known the healthy and active girl she had once been.
The discrepancy between the two versions was enough to scare one senseless.
Colin cleared his throat, still watching Kit. “Susannah, you remember my brother?”
There was a slight shuffling. “Of course. It is very nice to see you again, Mr. Gerrard.”
To Colin’s eternal astonishment, he saw Kit fight at least two swallows, and his eyes held a suspicious sheen in them. “Call me Kit. Please,” his brother said, his voice surprisingly unsteady and hoarse. “And it is my pleasure to see you again.”
Colin found himself fighting a lump at the utter sincerity in Kit’s tone. He turned back to Susannah and found her looking embarrassed, but holding a steady gaze at Kit. She managed a weak smile that showed a surprising amount of understanding. “Thank you, Kit,” she murmured softly.
Kit gave a short, half-bow of acknowledgment that made Colin bite back a grin. Ever the polite one, his twin.
“May I present to both of you,” Susannah said proudly, looking down at the boy, “my son, Frederick? Freddie, this is Mr. Gerrard, and Mr. Colin Gerrard.”
The boy looked at them both, eyes wide as he looked between them, then he swallowed and gave them a perfect bow. His form was even better than Kit’s had been, which meant the lad could already be presented at court. “Pleased to meet you,” Freddie said without hesitation. Then he looked between them again and said, “Erm, which one is which again?”
Colin chuckled and gave Susannah a smile. She had been just as confused about the whole twin thing when she had met them both. “My name is Colin, Freddie. And that’s Kit. We hope you’ll make yourself quite at home while you are here with us.”
Kit said nothing as he stared at Freddie, but neither was he as foreboding as he had been when he’d met the girls.
“Would you like a tour of the place?” Colin asked, trying to draw attention away from Kit. “The library, perhaps?”
Freddie’s eyes lit up and he gasped without shame. “Library? How many books do you have?”
Colin grinned. “I can’t even count them all. And you are welcome to any of them.”
Freddie tugged on his mother’s hand. “Come on, Mama! Let’s go see!”
Susannah smiled at her son and let him pull her towards them. “Which way?” she asked Colin softly.
Colin turned to the side. “Bartlet?” His butler appeared from one of the rooms. “Would you show Miss Hart and Master Freddie to the library? And have a tray of refreshments sent up. I’ll be along momentarily.”
Bartlet clicked his heels in a bow and gestured the way for Susannah and Freddie.
Susannah mouthed a “thank you” as she passed. Colin offered her a wink, which brought a touch of color to her cheeks.
When they were out of earshot, Colin released a sigh and turned to Kit, who stared after them without speaking. Slowly, Kit looked back at him.
“What I said the other night?” Kit murmured roughly. “I take it back. All of it. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I am with you. I’m all in.”
Colin sobered at once. “It is quite a shock, isn’t it?”
“Worse than I could have imagined.” He looked down the hall again, and shook his head. “We need to fix this, Colin. Whatever it takes.”
Colin nodded and opened his mouth to reply when Kit was suddenly heading for the door. “Where are you going?” Colin asked in surprise.
Kit turned, finally regaining his calm. “I am going to fetch my tailor. Freddie needs new clothes and I refuse to let him go without them for long.”
Colin reared back. “Now?”
Kit gave him a look. “You would prefer next week? Yes, now. Don’t tell Susannah. Make something up, will you?”
And then he was gone.
A slow, satisfied grin spread across Colin’s face, and he spun on his heel and hurried towards the library. And Susannah.
He entered the library to find Freddie fairly skipping along the shelves, too excited to speak coherent or complete sentences. His young eyes were wide and his grin threatened to split his face in two. And Susannah watched him with raw, emotional delight. Colin went to her side immediately.
“I take it this is a success?” he chuckled as he reached her.
She looked up at him with a smile. “Oh, Colin, it’s wonderful! Look at him!”
He did and grinned when Freddie yanked a book from the shelf and plopped himself on the ground to begin reading it. “I think he will do quite well here.”
Susannah nodded, one hand going to her throat. “He certainly will. I don’t know…” Her voice broke and she swallowed hard.
Colin rubbed her arm soothingly. “It won’t be for long,” he assured her. “I am going to see Tibby today and she’ll find a position close by in no time. You can see Freddie any time you wish. And Freddie will have lessons with the girls once we secure a governess, so he will be learning and growing every day.”
Susannah nodded, a soft hiccup escaping her. “I know that. I know all of that, but… But I won’t be there to tuck him in at night,” she whispered. “To hear about his day and what adventures he had, to hug him, to tell him a story…”
“You can do all of that here.” Colin tightened his hold on her a bit fiercely. “We can arrange an outing for you every day, just you and Freddie, away from Kit and me and the girls. You are his mother, Susannah. You have complete access to your son, we are merely watching over him for you.”
“I know.” She sniffed and straightened out of his hold, causing a flash of disappointment in his frame. “I would like that very much.” She gave him a half smile. “How is the search for a governess going? Did any of the names I secured work?”
Colin sighed and made a face. “Not really. Nobody wants to work for us, for some reason. And that is just before they met the girls, who knows who will stay afterwards?”
Susannah smiled. “How seriously did you look at them? Two of them, at least, were quite desperate to work.”
Colin smiled sheepishly. “Not so very. I did look into them each, and nothing seemed to fit. Perhaps my expectations are off base, or perhaps I just don’t know what to look for.”
Susannah glanced at Freddie, and smiled at his complete absorption by the book in his lap. She waved Colin over to the set of chairs nearby and sat, and he was quick to follow, taking the other.
“Well,” Susannah said, smiling on a sigh, “perhaps I can help you there. I should have done before, it just never occurred to me.”
Colin waved that off at once. “You have been somewhat occupied with your own concerns, there was no cause for you to fret yourself over mine.”
She inclined her head in acknowledgement. “So what do you have in mind? We can see if there is a way to align your expectations with what is available to you and begin there. If I cannot recommend someone, perhaps your friend Tibby can.”
Colin sat back and thought about it. “Well, for starters, she must get along with the girls.”
“Naturally.”
“I think they would be fairly easy to accommodate, they are so desperate for attention, anyone with a heart should do. But she should be young.”
Susannah immediately shook her head. “No, older.”
He frowned. “I don’t want the girls being taught by a crone.”
Susannah sighed in exasperation, though a light smile touched her lips. “Really, Colin, I don’t intend for them to be taught and minded by the woman who raised you.”
He shuddered at the memory of Miss Layton and his neck burned from the memory of her lash. “Young. Please.”
There was a long silence as Susannah watched him. “Not too young,” she finally relented, giving him a firm look.
He tilted his head, curiously amused. “Why are you insisting on that?”
She gave him a thin smile. “You can’t have the poor thing falling in love with you.”
He jerked in shock. “What? Why would you even think that?”
Susannah snorted, smile genuine now. “Please, Colin. It’s you.”
“Meaning…?”
One brow rose. “Everyone falls in love with you. You know that.”
“Not everyone,” he replied in a much lower voice than he had intended.
Her eyes turned wary. “Colin…”
He couldn’t stop, not yet. “You never did.”
She looked away at once. He saw her throat work in a swallow, and then in a hoarse whisper, she said, “You don’t know that.”
If the heavens had started raining fluffy white dogs and old crones, he could not have been more stunned. He could not feel his heart anymore, or his toes, and his ribs seemed to be constricting his lungs in the most disconcerting way. He stared at her in abject wonder, the way her color was suddenly heightened, her breathing unsteady, her graceful neck strained with the slightest tension.
Could she really mean…?
He had always assumed the worst, that he had been a fool of unrequited love in his youth, played into the naïve dream of friendship turning romantic, while she had not seen anything of the sort. His heartbreak had been as much of his own making as it had been her actions, if not more. Was it possible, then, that his assumptions had been completely false, even unfounded?
Could his heart have been right after all?
The silence stretched on and on as he attempted to process these revelations. Susannah began to look more uncomfortable, so he cleared his throat and folded his hands together. “So, older, then?”
She kept her gaze down, but he saw the tension ease. “I think that would be best.”
“Right. I’ll have Tibby look into that, she knows everyone.”
“Excellent idea.”