Bess
Later that evening as dusk fell, I sat at my kitchen table. A candle burning in front of me created the only light in the room as I twisted the tiny piece of paper in front of me, catching random letters and numbers in the flickers of candlelight. Afraid to stand and see my reflection, I stayed in my seat.
I was a horrible person.
After the package arrived, I dropped it onto the counter and asked AJ if he wanted to walk Brooks with me. We’d strolled down the hill, holding hands. With my right hand nestled inside his big left one, I’d carried the leash in my left.
We made it all the way down to the frozen stream, where AJ grabbed me with a sudden fierceness and pulled me into his arms for a kiss. I refused to let go of his lips, deepening the kiss until we were ready to strip naked in the freezing temperature.
It was greedy on my part; I know. But I’d been shaken by the gift box and the waves of emotion still swimming in my stomach from the night before, and I needed to feel content—fulfilled and comforted. Because there was no way Lane could want any of that with me. I was a phase to him; he was slumming it or something.
So I used AJ.
This was exactly why people in recovery didn’t get involved with their sponsors, or often—with anyone. There were too many lines to cross, and I crossed them all when I dragged AJ back up the hill and into my bed.
My panties had been soaking wet and my heart racing. Neither response was for him, but that didn’t stop me from ripping his clothes off before pushing him back onto the mattress and straddling his muscular body. As I’d leaned in to kiss him, his hand wound its way down to my core and his fingers slipped easily inside me.
“You’re so wet,” he’d said before finger-fucking me—it was nothing more than that.
“Oh.” I gasped, throwing my head back in ecstasy, my eyes glued shut, my core tightening for someone who was not even close to being in the room.
Sex and lust swirled in the air as AJ removed his hand and curved it around my back, pulling me in again.
“Sweet baby, I love seeing you let go like that,” he whispered before tucking my hair behind my ear.
I wanted my hair back. It was my shield. I couldn’t look into his eyes without seeing the absolute horrid truth of the scenario, so I didn’t. Squeezing my eyes tighter, I reached across the bed, grabbed a condom, and after slipping it on him, rode AJ like a stallion, leaving nothing behind.
He held my hips in place, giving himself purchase to push up and deep inside me, and I clenched my legs around his massive thighs, picking up speed with every thrust. Sweat beaded on his chest and I slowed for moment, leaning over and licking the tiny salty trail before making my way to his nipple.
As I swirled my tongue around the sensitive nub, I picked up speed again with my hips until I finally had to sit up. Placing my hands on his chest, I went buck wild, chasing another orgasm, or some kind of relief from the heat I was feeling.
All the while, my stomach dropped like I was on a carnival ride. Regret threatened to rise up in my throat as I treated AJ like my own stud dog. I shoved the emotion back every time I slammed my pelvis down on his, until we both were satiated physically.
But only one of us was fulfilled emotionally. And it wasn’t me.
Now as I stared into the open flame in front of me, scanning the piece of paper in my hand, determined to find some reason to let it drop into the fire and watch it burn—I couldn’t.
The paper had been sealed in an envelope in the bottom of the box, covered by a bag of lemons, a fancy beach towel, and a dog collar to match my recently acquired leash.
Feigning tiredness, I’d let AJ down easy. I’d been nice enough to wait for him to pull his pants back up, head out to his car and light a cigarette, then drive down the road before I ran to the box.
As soon as he was out of sight, I grabbed the package, set it on the table, and ripped it open. When I saw the towel, I’d scratched my head in confusion . . . until I opened the long envelope.
I stood stock-still, staring in shock at the single piece of paper until it fluttered to the floor—the way my body felt like it wanted to.
Overwhelmed and unsure about what any of it meant, I decided I should at least open the card still taped to the outside of the box. Inside was a piece of WildFlower stationery with the name and address of the hotel crossed out in dark blue ink.
Dear Bess –
I wish I could say I’m sorry for my behavior in the hallway last night, but I can’t. I have some inexplicable draw to you, Bess Williams, and it doesn’t seem to be going away. After our last meeting, I tried to let it be and get back to life, but there was always a nagging desire to see you again.
I promise you this last meet-up was somewhat coincidental. My original intentions were to see my brother, since I hadn’t seen him in a while, but when he said he was going to the WildFlower for the holidays . . . well, I couldn’t resist the temptation of going too.
I have to head back to Florida to work, but want to see you again soon.
Please don’t presume the gifts inside are too much. They’re not. I hope the towel lures you out of the cold temperatures to come and see me where there is sun year round.
I’ve taken the chance you will say yes and included a ticket with no date restrictions. Use it whenever you can escape work.
We also have plenty of water and lemons in Florida, but this will keep you until then. I also included something for your pup. I don’t want him to feel left out.
I’m leaving my number at the bottom of this note. Please call me when you get this, and any other time you wish.
And to let me know when you can come and visit.
~ Lane
P.S. If you have trouble with management taking off work, I’m sure I could pull a few strings.
This time the card flitted to the floor, joining the ticket, and I slumped down next to both of them. I wasn’t really sure how much time I wasted there, but it was dark when I finally got up, and that was mostly due to Brooks pacing by the door, needing to go to the bathroom.
Standing on the dark porch as I waited for Brooks, I watched the stars and dreamed of Florida, tanned skin, and ocean air. And in my daydream, there wasn’t the faintest whiff of evergreen or nicotine anywhere.