Traveling back to Melbourne was the longest trip I’d ever sat through. It felt like the end of an era, standing outside the bus and knowing it was the end. We would all go our separate ways tonight and meet up again tomorrow for the first of our two shows that closed the tour. The venue had no show on tonight, so our gear was being delivered ahead of time. That just left our luggage and us to get home.

Will sidled up to me and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. He’d told me he lived in Northcote, the other side of the city to me, so I would be catching a lift with Dee since he lived a few blocks away.

“See you tomorrow,” he murmured and wandered toward a waiting taxi with Pete, his bag in hand.

“What the fuck was that?” Dee asked, standing beside me. He looked as flabbergasted as I was.

After being so close for the last two weeks, it felt like a kick in the gut, and I couldn’t help but feel rejected.

“No idea,” I whispered as I watched the taxi drive off.

Dee flipped the bird after them and turned toward me. “Well, it’s still your birthday, and if you want, I’ll take you out.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“I’m in if you wanna,” Simone said, coming up behind us.

Frank and Chris offered as well.

“Seriously, guys. After a whole day on that stinking bus, it’s probably better to go home. We can party tomorrow night.” I liked my notion and didn’t say it, but I wasn’t in my head right now. Will had just hit me for six.

“Well,” Frank said. “We’re only a phone call away if you change your mind.”

I smiled thinly. “Thanks, Frankie.”

When I finally got home, walking through the door of my apartment was familiar yet alien. After being away for so long, the place smelled different, and it was cold. I placed the Fender against the wall and dumped my bag in the bedroom, not wanting to deal with it yet. Standing in the middle of the lounge, I let out an exasperated sigh. Being home alone didn’t feel right. I wanted someone here. I wanted Will, but after his weird goodbye, I was hesitant about calling him. Instead, I sent a text to Dee.

So boring here alone.

It was only a split-second later when he replied, It’s weird being home. Wanna get a drink? xx

Me: Hell, yes.

Dee: Ted’s Shed?

Me: Sounds good. Let me shower and change first.

Dee: Good idea. I don’t want to smell your stink. See you there in an hour. xx

Taking one last look at the Fender, I wasn’t sure if I could pick it up and play it now. Even though it was a present from everyone, it was still a gift that had been spearheaded by Will, and I wasn’t sure about his intentions anymore.

He’d said he knew about hurt. He’d brushed it aside so easily I’d almost forgotten about it. Now I was wondering if his sudden shift in behavior had something to do with it. That and the person who’d been sending him those messages. Was it an ex-girlfriend that had broken his heart? Or was it his current girlfriend calling him out for being a cheater?

When I met up with Dee at Ted’s Shed, he was waiting with two bright orange cocktails. Sinking into the chair opposite, I gave him a grateful smile.

“Happy birthday, Zo Zo. I know the orange ones are your favorite.”

“Thanks.” I sighed and took a long sip, the sugar and alcohol rushing straight to my head. “I needed that serotonin.”

“Is everything okay?” he asked, coming straight out with it.

My shoulders slumped, and I ditched the straw and took a few big mouthfuls.

“Well, obviously not,” he said, concerned at my reaction.

“Will started acting weird this arvo,” I said. “He got some texts, and all of a sudden, he’s this moody bastard. He hardly touched me. You saw his steamy goodbye.”

“He did seem off.”

“It’s weird. After this morning. My birthday.”

“It’s very sudden,” he agreed. “You should just ask him straight up.”

“Squash my fears,” I declared, already feeling a little giddy.

“Did he say who the texts were from?”

“No, I was too afraid to ask.”

“Zoe…”

“What if he has a secret girlfriend? What if he…”

“Stop it.” He shushed me. “I don’t believe it. Not after seeing him with you this whole tour.”

“I don’t know, Dee…”

“If you’re so worried, you should confront him about it. It’s the only way you’ll find out for sure. The only thing you’re doing right now is overthinking and jumping to conclusions.”

“You reckon?”

“I reckon.” He pushed my drink back into my hand. “Now drink up. It’s still your birthday, and I refuse to let you spend it down in the dumps.”

A smile spread across my face despite myself.

He grinned in return. “That’s my girl.”

I didn’t know if it was the fact I’d just downed a bright orange cocktail on an empty stomach, but I was determined to set things straight. The moment I laid eyes on Will, I’d just say it. I was going to put my insecurities to rest once and for all and take control of my life. I wasn’t going to be a punching bag for anyone anymore.

I was just going to ask.

* * *

Everything always seemed so simple when you were a little tipsy.

Last night’s outing had boosted my confidence, but now that I was standing backstage, I felt uneasy. Setting up for a show had become familiar territory, a second home, but now it felt like a battlefield. The last time I had confronted somebody, it didn’t end well at all.

The moment we came off stage from doing a sound check, I found Will loitering in the back hallway, looking flustered.

“We need to talk,” I declared, grabbing his arm.

“Zoe…” he began, but I pulled him into a small room that looked a lot like a storage closet.

Flicking the light on revealed a table, some old chairs, and old boxes full of papers. Storage closet it was.

Closing the door behind us, I faced him, trying to will back some of that confidence I’d felt the night before, but having him in front of me made it all dissolve into a pile of ash. I cared for him so much I was suddenly petrified he was going to break it off with me.

“Is everything okay?” I asked as he leaned back against the wall.

“Yes, of course, it is,” he replied like I was mad.

That wasn’t really flying. “You’ve been different.”

He frowned. “It’s just…we’re home now.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked a little too forcefully.

“Zoe.” He stepped toward me, picking up on my tone. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

When he tried to wind his arms around my waist, I jerked backward. “Then what do you mean? Something’s changed. I’m not stupid.”

“Zoe, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You were okay until you got those messages,” I said quietly. I didn’t want to be that girl, but that’s what this was about, wasn’t it?

“What are you talking about?” he asked, cocking his head to the side as if he were confused.

“Yesterday.”

His expression changed, and he knew he wasn’t getting around it. “That was nothing.”

“Will,” I hissed. “I saw how it got to you. Don’t say it was nothing. You hardly said a word to me when we got back yesterday.”

“It was nothing but an annoyance,” he snapped, and I flinched, stepping back in surprise. He’d never spoken to me that way before. His tone stabbed into me, and I was lost for words.

“Shit, Zoe.” He sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

He reached out for me, but I twisted out of his grasp. “You’re not telling me something.”

“You’ve nothing to worry about,” he said firmly, stepping into me before I could push him away again. “You’re everything to me.”

His hands caressed either side of my face, forcing me to look into his eyes, and I saw such sincerity there I believed him.

“You can’t keep things from me,” I said and instantly realized I was doing the exact same thing. Maybe I didn’t have a secret boyfriend, and maybe he was telling the truth, but there were still some things I was holding back on.

“Zoe,” he murmured, lowering his lips to mine. “There’s only you.”

I let him kiss me, long and slow, his lips firm against my own, and his tongue against mine. I let him consume me and take my fear.

My back hit the wall as his hands became more fevered, finding their way underneath my shirt.

“Do you want to come?” he asked huskily, unbuttoning my shorts.

“Will.” I groaned as his fingers found that place between my legs and began circling.

“Only if you want it,” he said breathlessly, nibbling on my neck. “Only if you’ll let me.”

I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I pushed my hand down the front of his jeans instead and let my body take over, squashing all rational thought someplace else. Wrapping my hand around his hard length, I squeezed lightly. It was all the encouragement he needed. He pulled my shorts and underwear off, and his jeans dropped to his knees.

Grinding himself into my clit, he moaned against my lips. “Let me fuck you, Zoe. Let me be inside you. I need you.”

I don’t know where the condom came from, but suddenly, he lifted me up, and my legs wrapped tightly around his waist, opening myself up to him. We were still mostly dressed, the intimacy of skin on skin gone, and I knew this time was different. Positioning me on top of the table, he took my mouth in a hard, fevered kiss, his tip against my opening. I clenched in anticipation, wanting to feel him as much as he seemed to need me.

“God,” he growled, sinking deep. “You’re mine.”

Throwing my head back, I groaned as a painful, passionate need filled me. Right now, there was nothing but this, and Will didn’t stop. He thrust deep inside me, hard, fast, and relentless as he fucked me on top of the table. This wasn’t love or tenderness. This was raw sex. This was just two people who needed to fuck to feel alive. This was as real as it was going to get.

My hands latched onto his shoulders, fingertips digging deep as flesh pounded into flesh, a blinding orgasm building inside of me. When I came, I came hard, tightening around him as he prolonged the sensation until I lost all sense of where I was. Then he came just as hard, growling my name over and over until with one last thrust, he stilled, tremors rocking through both of our exhausted bodies.

His gaze met mine, both of us too spent to find each other’s lips, let alone talk. I thought he’d stripped me bare before, but that was nothing compared to what he just did to me.

As my mind slowly came back, I couldn’t help but think he’d just gotten one over me. That he’d just silenced me with sex. I wasn’t sure how I should take it.

He said I was his, but was he still mine?

* * *

After the show, everyone seemed determined to enjoy the last two shows together, so we all went to a bar down the street.

We weren’t sure what we were doing next, but Louie had said The Stabs were going to Europe in a few weeks, and all that did was make me worry more. Things were still a little weird with Will, especially after the way he’d seemed to screw me into submission earlier.

As with everything that happened with us, things had gone up and down just as fast in the last day. An incredible high followed by a sickening low. Nothing was ever simple where Will Strickland was concerned, and I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him all those months ago.

As we stood at the bar, the music loud around us, I tried to put on a happy face, talking to the guys and making an effort to socialize. Pretending. It wasn’t long before I couldn’t take it and asked again.

Pulling Will aside, I asked, “Are you telling me the whole truth?” He went to embrace me, but I jerked away, determined not to be put off again.

“Zoe.”

“You can’t screw me into silence, Will.”

He let out a strangled moan and pulled me into him. “I’m sorry, Zo.”

“What’s wrong? You’re really fucking scaring me.”

He hesitated but finally came out with, “I didn’t know if you’d still want this after the tour was over. I was worked up about it all day yesterday, and I let it get to me instead of just asking you. When we got back, I didn’t want to give you the chance to dump me, so I bolted.”

“I wouldn’t…”

“I guess I panicked.” He shrugged, eyes downcast.

I cupped his face, my thumb rasping across his stubble. “I don’t want this to end.”

He closed his eyes and sighed, leaning into my hand. “Good.”

“What a stupid thing to think.”

He opened his eyes, a smile crossing his face. This time, when he kissed me, it was the Will I remembered. My heart fluttered a little in my chest, and I began to feel better.

“Let me buy you another drink,” he said, turning toward the bar.

“I still have a whole half.”

“So? I’ll get you whatever you want.”

“Whatever, huh?” I smiled, the mood suddenly lighter. Nodding, he began to move off but hesitated, making me bump into his back. “Ow.”

Will was looking across the bar at something and frowned, biting his bottom lip, and I’d come to know it was a tell. He was worked up about something.

“What is it?” I asked, squeezing his arm.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” he said without looking at me and walked off into the crowd. It was still in the tone of that weird, out-of-character funk he’d been in. I began to panic a little, thinking I’d done something this time, but I saw him grab the arm of a pretty-looking brunette and start talking with her. She was as tall as he was with short spiky hair and looked very slim for her height. All those things I had thought we’d just put to rest came flooding back.

Pete was standing at the bar beside me, so I asked, “Who’s that?”

“That’s Mish,” he said as he glanced across the room.

“And who’s Mish?” I tried to cover my annoyance, but I didn’t think it worked that well.

“He didn’t say?”

“Pete,” I hissed.

He sighed and shrugged. “Mish was the one who got away.”

My expression instantly fell.

The one who got away.

Will had never uttered one word about her. Why wouldn’t he say something? Then I realized the texts he got yesterday must have been from her, and I wondered if he’d been getting them all along. A sinking feeling of dread settled in the back of my throat. The thought must have translated to my face because Pete put a hand on my arm and smiled.

“They were really screwed up,” he said. I knew he was just trying to make it better, but it wasn’t really helping. “He won’t go back there. He’d be an asshole if he did. He’s only got eyes for you.”

I could only nod, not knowing what to say, and took my discarded drink off the bar and pushed through the crowd. I didn’t really want to hear reassurances that everything would be okay. When the hell did I get so jealous?

I watched Will and Mish across the dance floor, and I almost threw up a little in my mouth. I mean, she was beautiful. Like model beautiful. Tall, willowy, perfect complexion with a short brown pixie cut. I looked at myself in the mirrored wall behind the bar, and all I could see was some tattooed rock chick with an attitude. If it were a competition based on looks, then this Mish chick would shit all over me.

I suddenly felt inadequate. What the hell did Will see in me? All those things he’d said, were they even true?

Did I have a death wish, or was it morbid curiosity? I just had to turn around again, and when I did, I almost blew a fuse. She was all up in his personal space, her hands running up his arms, a sick look of satisfaction on her face. But what Will was doing was worse. His hands were on her hips, and he leaned toward her as if he was trying to listen to what she was saying over the loud music, but she pushed herself forward and kissed him. My heart seemed to do this thing where it sputtered and almost died, but I was like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi-trailer… A fully loaded semi that would crush me and splatter my insides all over the road for everyone to see.

Will didn’t pull back, and for one horrible second, I witnessed him kissing her back.

I turned away, feeling like I wanted to die, and I caught Pete’s eye. From the expression on his face, he’d seen it, too.

I walked up to him, slammed my empty bottle on the bar in front of him, and without a word, I shrugged on my jacket and bolted down the stairs back to street level. I didn’t bother texting Dee or the others. I just had to get out of there.

The security guard looked at me with a raised eyebrow as I pushed the door open with a violent jab, but I could only grimace and walk away as fast as I could without running. Ignoring the little voice in the back of my mind telling me, ‘I told you so,’ I put my head down and stared at the footpath as I fled.

This was what I had been trying to avoid. This feeling of abandonment. Uselessness. Trash. I couldn’t help but feel like I had been thrown away again. Not as dramatically as last time but still tossed. I clutched my arm against my stomach, and an image of blood flashed through my mind. This felt much worse than a broken arm.

My phone started to ring in my pocket, but I ignored it. I just kept walking and walking, trying to block out the stabbing pain in my chest. My phone rang again as soon as it stopped, and I let it go, but when it did it a third time, I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that it was Dee. Pete would’ve told him.

I wondered if Will still had his tongue down Mish’s throat, and I resisted the urge to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Then I realized I was standing on the footbridge that spanned the Yarra River, water running swiftly below me, the lights of the city sparkling overhead. I was the only one on it at this hour, so I leaned over the edge and thought about hurling my phone into the cesspool below. It rang again, and I almost did, but this time, I saw that it was Will.

And I fucking hated him.

After everything, why would he do that? After the things he’d said… I didn’t care who she was to him. He shouldn’t have fallen for it. But maybe he wanted to, and that was a truth too hard to swallow. Now that we were home and the tour was ending, I wasn’t good enough. I would never be good enough again.

I stared at my phone, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm and drown me, my knuckles white around the annoying piece of crap. As soon as it started, the ringing stopped. Three missed calls from Dee, and one from Will. It started ringing again, and I pressed the ignore button and turned it off.

I knew I should be screaming at someone or bawling my eyes out or something, but I just stared blankly at the dark water passing below me and wondered why. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I always pick the wrong guy? Why, why, why?

Maybe it was just fate’s way of telling me that I was meant to be alone.

I sighed, the effort seeming to burn through my tight throat. I just wanted to go home, curl up underneath the blankets, and forget I ever came out in the first place.

I may have been alone before, but at least I didn’t feel like this.

I’d let my walls down only to have my heart broken again, and this time, it might be irreparable. How could I come back from this? Even as I thought it, I knew there was no coming back. Not this time.

This time, I’d truly been in love.