I woke to someone hammering on my front door.

It seemed way too early for that kind of enthusiasm. Rolling over, the clock said it was twelve noon. The banging was still going on, so I shouted, “Fuck off!” and put a pillow over my head.

“Zoe?” I recognized Dee’s voice muffled through the material. “C’mon, open up. We’re worried sick about you. Zoe?” He was thumping again, and the dog across the way started to bark.

Crawling out of bed with an enraged growl, I pulled on my dressing gown and yanked opened the front door.

“Thank fuck,” he said, pushing inside and throwing his arms around me.

“Get off me.” I shoved him away and walked back into the kitchen looking for something to take the edge off.

“Zoe, Pete told me about…”

I turned around and glared at him.

“I tried calling you, but you turned your phone off.”

“Duh.”

“We’ve got the show tonight…”

“Duh, again.” Before Dee opened his mouth again, I said, “I know all about it. It will be uncomfortable because I want to punch the fuckwit in the face. I have an obligation to do the show. I’ll be there. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.”

“Just keep him the fuck away from me.”

“Zoe…”

“I don’t want to hear it, Dee. Ever. I can’t do it again. I’m done. I’m so done.”

He strode across the room, pulled me into his familiar arms, and despite my pent up rage, I sank into him.

“Why does this always happen to me?” I asked, trying to fight back the tears I knew would come after Dee had left. “What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything,” he murmured. “You’re fuckin’ beautiful. You know that, Zoe? I wish I liked you that way. Then it would be a match made in heaven.”

“In your dreams, buddy.”

He laughed at my halfhearted attempt at a joke. “Can you imagine our kids? They would be Gods.” He pulled me down onto the couch and cradled me against his chest. “If it’s any consolation, I thumped him one.”

“You punched him?”

“No one hurts you while I’m around, Zo. No one.”

Maybe it was childish for me to think it, but I hoped it hurt.

“It’s just tonight,” he said, his voice calm. “Then you never have to see him again if that’s what you want.”

I nodded, the tears I’d been trying to hold in since last night began to spill, staining Dee’s T-shirt.

“It’s okay,” he said. “Let it out. Remember last time? Holding it in is bad.”

I didn’t want to, but I remembered last time. I didn’t cry for weeks, and when I did, it almost sent me over the edge. The kind of edge you never come back from. A bottomless pit of nothingness.

So I cried and cried, and Dee stayed with me until it was time to go face the music.

* * *

I tried not to think about the gig as Dee and I got out of the taxi. Standing out the front of the venue sent sharp stabbing pain through my heart, and my hands shook.

“You okay?” Dee asked. “You look paler than usual.”

I took a deep breath. “It’s just tonight.”

“Just tonight.” He slid a hand into mine and led me down the side street to the stage door.

Everyone was already there. Frank, Louie, and Sticks were loitering to the side of the stage. Dean, Chris, and Simone were hanging out at the merchandise table setting things up. There was no sign of Pete and Will, and I was thankful.

Simone caught my eye and offered me a small smile, and I nodded.

Going backstage, I found a quiet corner and leaned against the wall. I could tell myself that I was trying to be strong and professional, but I wasn’t even fooling myself. I knew the moment I saw Will, I’d break, and I’d either cry or fly into a blind rage.

“Zoe.” A voice splintered through my thoughts.

Spinning around with a scowl, I saw Pete behind me, his hands jammed into the pockets of his hoodie.

“What?” I spat a little too forcibly.

“Can we talk?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Talking was the last thing I wanted to do right now. Right now, I wanted to hurt someone just like I had been.

“Zoe, it’s important.”

With an annoyed sigh, I led him back into a storage room so we wouldn’t be interrupted. This wasn’t going to be pleasant, and the last thing anyone needed was an audience.

Slamming the door closed behind him, I sneered. “Talk.”

“He’s sorry, you know.”

“Yeah, well, so am I.”

“Somehow, I don’t think you mean it the same way.”

“What gave me away?” I asked, leaning back against a shelf.

“Zoe, there’s something you have to understand,” Pete began carefully. I didn’t like where this was going already.

“You told me she was the one who got away. Is he in love with her?”

“That’s not for me to say.”

“Then why the hell are you even talking to me?” I cried. “Explain it to me because right now, all you’re doing is sinking in the boot.”

“You need to let him talk to you, Zoe.”

“Was he with her this whole time?” I asked thinly, holding back tears. When Pete frowned but didn’t respond, I let all my anger out. “Was he with her this whole time? I swear to God if you don’t answer me, Pete…”

“No, he wasn’t,” he said, holding a hand up to calm me. “That first gig he said he saw you at, things had only just ended with Mish. It was bad. It destroyed him.”

“So I was just a rebound? Is that what this was?” I felt bile in the back of my throat. The things I’d said to him. I felt sick. He’d said he didn’t know how to handle how he felt about me. Suddenly, I realized it must’ve been because he still had feelings for Mish. This whole time, had he been in love with someone else?

“No, Zoe. They’re over. They were over before he even laid eyes on you. When he finally told me about you, I understood. He was getting better. Getting over it. Because of you.”

“Somehow, I don’t believe you. If that were true, he wouldn’t have kissed her back.” Pete’s expression fell, and I knew what I’d just said was the truth. All those things he’d told me. That he didn’t want to hurt me, that he would do anything I asked of him… That I was his, and he was mine. They were all lies.

“I can’t make excuses for him,” he said quietly. “I don’t know why he did it, but I do know that you and him—”

“Me and him nothing.” It came out so full of hate and anger that I even scared myself. “If a quick fuck on the side was what he wanted, then he fucking got it. I believed I was nothing for so long, and he made me believe. He made me believe I was worth something. Now he has his fucking future back, and I’m kicked to the fucking curb. Any faith I had in the human race before was pitiful, but now it’s all fucking gone.”

Pete grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. “Calm down. It’s not like that at all.”

“I can’t fucking calm down. Do you understand how I feel? I feel like a fraud. I’m the other woman. I’m nothing but something to be used. That’s how I feel. He didn’t hit me like…” I bit my lip to stop myself and took a deep breath. “But he may as well have.”

“Someone hit you?” Pete’s eyes widened. “Zoe, I—”

“Drop it, Pete.”

He let go of my shoulders and took a step back, uncertainty etched into his features.

“He needs to stay away from me.”

I turned to leave, but Pete wasn’t done with me yet. “Look, I know Will better than anyone. We grew up together. We lived on the same street since we were six. This thing with him and you? It’s real, Zoe. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. You need to let him explain.”

“I’m done with explanations.” I pushed the door open and stalked out, trying to hold myself together. He may have meant well, but all Pete had done was make it a billion times worse.

Once upon a time, the man I’d loved betrayed me and destroyed my life. Now it was happening again. I was so done. No one was ever getting in again.

And just like that, the walls around my heart slammed closed.

* * *

After the gig, I waited for the guys just inside the venue, well aware The Stabs were still busy packing up. So far, Pete and Dee had stayed true to their word and kept Will away from me. It was a trend I wanted to continue until I didn’t have to see him anymore. The Devil’s Tattoo and The Stabs would never be on the same bill again if I had anything to do with it.

Dee and Frank appeared beside me, looking like they were ready to go. Chris had left with Simone a while ago—at least something had worked out for someone.

“Zoe?” Dee was looking at me, a frown creasing his brow.

I looked at Frank, and he shrugged, going outside.

“Zoe?” Dee asked again, and this time, I looked him in the eye.

“What?”

“You love him, don’t you?”

“Loved.” I almost choked on the word. I had loved him, but I couldn’t live with that kind of hurt again. “The emphasis being on the past tense.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, I believe me,” I said, shoving through the stage door. Conversation over.

It was a short walk to the bar we’d agreed on going to. The last gig of the tour was over, and this was meant to be a party to celebrate. Ninety-nine percent of our shows had sold out, our merchandise was down to zero, and album sales were up. We should be happy. The band was going crazy, but I couldn’t feel anything.

Dee walked with me, his arm around my waist.

“You don’t have to baby me,” I said, shrugging him off and jamming my hands into my pockets.

“Zo.”

“You should be celebrating with the others.”

“I want you here,” he said. “You’re a part of this too, and if that means I have to take care of you, then so be it.”

We stood out front of Ding Dong Lounge, our bar of choice, and he hugged me.

“Zoe.”

I stiffened at the sound of Will’s voice and pulled away sharply from Dee. I didn’t dare turn around because if I did, I would have punched the curly-haired asshole right in the face, and I needed my hand to play guitar.

“Leave her be, man.” Dee’s voice filtered through my simmering rage. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

“I need to explain.”

I didn’t hear any more. I kept walking, disappearing inside the bar and leaving Will’s empty words behind.

I never got drunk. It wasn’t my thing, killing brain cells and wasting a day on a hangover, but right now, it was all I wanted to do. So I sat at the bar and ordered a triple scotch and coke and a bottle of cider. The scotch was gone in under a minute, and the cider began to follow.

All this anger was unnatural. It pooled in my gut like acid, and I would’ve done anything to dull it.

I’d been sitting there for at least ten minutes when someone stood next to me, and it was the last person I expected. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was the one person who would’ve wanted to confront me. After all, I’d wanted to do the same thing, albeit for different reasons.

Mish was standing there, her pretty face contorted in anger. She stood right in my personal space, and I couldn’t have cared less.

“Stay away from him,” she said like it was a threat. “Will is mine.” Mine, like a thing to be owned.

I stared at her unblinking, and without a trace of emotion, I said, “If you’re so secure in your relationship, then why do you feel the need to come over here and bother me with your pathetic, empty threats?”

Mish stared at me open-mouthed, and I knew I should’ve felt a little good about the fact I had her lost for words in under five seconds, but she was still standing all up in my face. So I stood and declared, “If you don’t mind, you’re in my personal space, and I would advise you to get the hell out of it.”

She took a few steps backward, her eyes betraying her fear. As much as I wanted to hurt her, laying a finger on her would solve nothing. She wanted to hurt me too, but it was better to leave everything well enough alone. So I just turned around, sat back on my stool, and downed a mouthful of cider, staring into space. Some after party. Some fucking tour.

“Zoe?” Chris was beside me. He’d witnessed my moment of moral triumph. “That was epic.”

“Was it?” I shrugged.

“Here’s to tellin’ crazy bitches what for.” He tapped my bottle with his and gave me a wink.

Suddenly, I felt a little better.

I glanced up and saw Mish talking to Will, the expression on her face furious as she pointed at me. He glanced over and caught my gaze, and all I could do was sigh and look away. I didn’t have anything left inside of me that gave a crap. This just had to end. I couldn’t see him anymore. I couldn’t be within five feet of him. I had to get away if there was any chance of me coming back from this again.

“I’ve gotta get out of here,” I declared suddenly, and Chris gave me a look.

“Are you okay?”

“No. I just need some air.” I snatched my jacket from the bar and walked away, my breath tight in my chest.

I couldn’t really hear over the music, but someone grabbed my arm as I moved through the room. I figured they were trying to call out to me, but I didn’t notice. When whoever it was pulled me around, I stiffened. Will was holding my arm, some unknown expression on his face along with a dark bruise below his right eyebrow where Dee must have punched him. It burned where his fingers touched my bare skin, and it hurt too much. My heart felt like someone just stabbed a piece of jagged glass right through it, and I tore myself away.

“Zoe,” he said, and it came out strangled.

“Don’t touch me,” I hissed, taking a few steps back.

“Please, Zoe. Let me explain.”

“No.”

“Why are you pushing me away? I want to make this better. I can’t…” He ran a hand over his face. “Why won’t you let me explain?”

Suddenly, I didn’t feel so numb anymore. Anger welled up inside me, and it was all I could do to stop myself from punching him in the face and giving him a matching bruise. Instead, I let it all out. “Because when your boyfriend of three years that you love and trust comes home and tells you he’s been seeing another woman for six months behind your back and that they’re getting married a week from fucking Tuesday…” I almost choked on a sob and clutched my arm against my stomach. “He broke more than my life. That kind of shit destroys a person. It destroyed me for such a long time and fucked if I’ll let someone else do it to me again.”

He was looking at me open-mouthed, and I swore he might start crying. There was nothing else to say, so I just turned and walked away. Let him go back to Mish. Let him do whatever he wanted. I couldn’t care anymore. I didn’t care.

Will grabbed my arm again, stopping me from running away. “Zoe, you’re everything to me. Don’t say this meant nothing to you.”

I wrenched myself away again, and I slapped him in the face—hard. “It meant everything,” I hissed as his hand came up to his face in wide-eyed surprise. “Then you shit all over it. I let myself care, and all it did was this. If you do it once, then it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. I won’t be that person ever again. I won’t let anyone else be that person.” I took a few steps back. “Stay away from me.”

This time, he didn’t come after me as I pushed my way through the crowd.

Outside, the air was cool, so I threw my jacket on and flipped up the collar. People milled outside the bar, and the security guard nodded as I caught his eye. Giving him a thin smile, I walked up the street a short way, looking for a quiet place to clear my thoughts.

I ducked into a dark alleyway and leaned my forehead against the cool brickwork. I was only a few steps within, so the street light lit me up as I tried to calm myself down with deep breaths. It wasn’t working that well.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and thought about calling Dee, but I’d dragged him through enough of my shit already. It wasn’t fair to him to keep leaning on him as much as I had. His life had suffered for it too in a way.

“Hey, baby.”

My head snapped up at the sound of a familiar voice. Just outside the alleyway, in the orange streetlight, stood the man I had once loved. The man that had lied, cheated, and broke my heart. The man who had destroyed my life.

I took a step back, suddenly wary, and clutched my arm. The arm he broke.

“Jason.”

My heart thudded in my chest, and it was another emotion he made me feel now.

It was fear.