A thinner Pharis was going to take some getting used to.
Not that I didn’t find her sexy as fuck, I absolutely did.
I just wasn’t used to seeing her so... lean.
Now when I gripped her there was less to hold on to, and I missed the fullness of her hips.
But it was as I was rutting into her from behind and I saw, as well as felt, the outline of her rib cage that I paused.
Because in so many ways she was still mine, but in other ways she wasn’t.
Proof of this was beneath my fingertips.
The reality of what I had done to her, to us, it broke me all over again.
Staring down at her beautiful body, I realized how much damage I had done.
What that motherfucker made me do...
Swear to Christ, until she looked over her shoulder at me I hadn’t realized just how far gone I was.
And when she braced herself for what was coming, what she knew I needed to take control back, I saw and felt that this was the moment she was giving permission.
Fast asleep in my arms where she belonged after being fucked damn near into the cupboards, I traced her skin with my fingers completely in awe over how soft she was. Pharis was all smooth plains and unblemished landscape. She had a few visible scars from her football days, but no past tragedies marring her skin. She was utterly perfect. Two years ago, these same thoughts broke me out into a cold sweat. The idea that there was someone out there who wanted to fuck with her perfection was too much for me.
During our separation and pending divorce, I heard nothing from Casanova. As if he lost interest and vanished. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t a threat so I forced myself to stay away. Yet, no matter how much time passed, I still had nights when I woke up swinging, needing to pulverize the bastard, ending his existence only to wake to an empty room.
Mornings waking up to cold sheets where my wife should be sleeping safely next to me but wasn’t.
Always asking myself if I had made the right decision.
Wondering if I had come clean to her which path I would have taken.
Knowing Pharis she would have stood her ground demanding we fight—together.
Knowing myself, I would have agreed, putting her life in jeopardy for those precious moments with her.
When it came to her my selfishness had no bounds.
So, I kept the demons far from Pharis, far from the guys because they would have backed her decision, and I wouldn’t have been strong enough to say no.
Last night, I wasn’t strong enough to be gentle with her either.
Taking her relentlessly, savagely.
But fucking beautifully.
“You’re thinking too hard,” she said, snuggling deeper into my side.
“I’m not sorry,” I managed to grate out. “For not telling you, for making you divorce me. I’m not fucking sorry.”
“Listen,” she said, perching her chin on my chest. “I’m not sorry I didn’t tell you about the job offers either. We know each other too well. You would have insisted we leave for my career, and I would have insisted we stay together and fight. Shit, Eddie. If that’s the worst of our sins, I’m okay with it.”
Clutching her tighter, I asked, “If I had told you, would you really have fought?”
“I would have Nancy Drewed that motherfucker,” she said, watching me closely. “And that’s exactly why you didn’t tell me.”
“I don’t ever want to leave this bed,” I groaned. “Just let me live inside you.”
Chuckling, Pharis kissed my chest. “Love is a daily choice. And every morning I woke up in your arms, I chose to love you. Uniform on or off, the choice was mine. In happy times and sad, I chose you. After you left, I still chose to love you, even thinking you didn’t love me back.”
“I never stopped,” I promised her.
“But I didn’t know that. And no matter how hard I tried to stop, I never regretted my choice. I will always choose to love you. It will always be you, Eddie. Even when the world gets in the way.”
This was the part where the male declares his undying love for his female except, the words won’t come.
They never did.
And instead of looking into her eyes and seeing disappoint, I slid back inside of Pharis hoping she understood what I was forever unable to say.