I was talked into coming to this dorm party when I would have rather been at a dive bar.
School had kicked my ass all week, and yet, here I was, watching people do keg stands.
But then, there was her.
Surrounded by guys, athletes from what I could tell. God, at least a dozen. All giants. All towered over her, yet, she seemed larger than all of them combined.
I was intrigued because there was no flirtation on her part. She was so fucking beautiful, so vocal and bubbly, I inched my way over to hear what they were talking about.
Football.
These guys were football players and hung on her every word. She knew their stats, their weaknesses, and their strong suits. While the other girls here were dressed like eager sluts, this girl had on ripped jeans, flip flops and an old, oversized, U of M sweatshirt that hung off her creamy shoulder.
It took an hour to get her attention, but once she saw me I had it.
Sauntering over, she stuck her hand out introducing herself. “Pharis Hilton.”
With my heart in my throat, I returned the gesture by saying, “Your future husband.”
Pharis had always been honest to a fault. Happy or sad, aroused or furious, she’d let you know it.
The woman was horrible at poker, never skimmed on her taxes, and always tipped well beyond twenty percent.
And above all else, she had adored the fuck out of me. She could have had her pick of NFL hotshots, corporate douchebags, you name it, but she still chose me.
Everyone envied us too. I never could figure out what she had seen in me besides my sinful smile and huge dick.
But she had seen something, (my huge dick I’m convinced helped), and I latched onto my good fortune with no intention of ever letting go.
For so long it had been the two of us. With no parents close by, no siblings to visit, we were our own dynamic duo. Unless we were working, we were never apart. This was how we liked it.
But then I changed.
It started two years ago when I was assigned to the ‘Coffin Casanova’ case, and for the first time ever I brought my work home with me.
I began staying up all night. Nights when I normally preferred staying awake thinking about my wife or thrusting inside of her.
I was hyper-focused on wanting this guy put down.
I was fucking consumed.
A man who buried young women alive. Women that looked an awful lot like my bride.
At first, I hadn’t realized I was pulling away and shutting her out.
It fucked with my head, and I allowed it to fuck with my marriage.
When I should have been reassuring Pharis that I wasn’t going anywhere.
When I should have been paying attention to what this was doing to her.
To us.
I wasn’t.
However, the extra hours, sleepless nights, and sacrifices were finally paying off.
Because of a tip, the last victim we found had been close to saving. While it’s regrettable that we couldn’t, we were able to get more insight to how the guy operated.
I was so close I could taste it, smell it.
All I wanted was to close this case and win Pharis back, make it right.
She would understand, she always did, and I was counting on that.
And then the motherfucker changed the game when he fixated on my wife.
He’d seen us together on TV at one of her games.
Casanova made it very clear.
Stand down or Pharis was next.
But I couldn’t stand down. I could not let a killer run free.
I knew he was watching, and I was certain that if he knew I didn’t want her then he wouldn’t either.
So, I was an asshole, purposely hurting her, not showing up, not giving a shit.
Basically, I became Anti-Eddie, making her doubt herself and my feelings for her.
Until she had finally had enough.
This took exactly one year.
I watched the love of my life give up on us.
I could tell you down to the second the moment that she had too.
While I told myself it was the right way, the only way, the real mind fuck was, not only did I lose her, I never found Casanova either.
But with nothing but silence from him for almost two years, I hoped he was either dead, or well, dead.
This left me free to get her back.
Problem was getting her back wasn’t going to be easy.
I had so much to atone for that she may not absolve me of my sins.
Fuck, especially when I explained them to her.
We had just finished our briefing, and I was heading toward the coffee pot, when I was told I had a visitor. When I looked to see who it was, I scrambled, careful not to be seen.
Like a coward, I ended up hiding two rooms over with my buddies, Butch and Aaron.
Both loved Pharis, both think I’m a fool for letting her go, and both are currently calling me a pussy for refusing to face her. They weren’t wrong. They also had no idea why I did what I did.
And hopefully never would. Because they wouldn’t get it.
“Stop fucking pushing me,” I warned Aaron. “She’s sitting at my desk, man!”
“Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn’t have shown up at her date, fucknuts,” Butch added.
“And made a fool out of her,” Aaron growled.
“Made a fool out of her?” I grunted. “Bullshit. She didn’t want that guy.”
Except that she did, and he had wanted her too. Pharis never looked twice at a man that wasn’t me.
I couldn’t handle it, and did, in fact, make a fool out of her. (Totally worth it, no regrets. Zero.)
“We’ll never know, will we?” Aaron said, shaking his head. “Look, you started this shit. It wasn’t enough to do drive-bys, record all of her games, or eavesdrop on her dates. You went and embarrassed her when you had no right. She’s trying to move on, Eddie. That’s what you wanted, that’s what you forced her to do, and then you pull this stunt? She’s not yours anymore.”
“She is mine,” I threatened. “She will always be mine.”
“Divorce papers say otherwise,” Butch shot back.
“Fuck you both,” I growled. “Whose side are you on?”
Without hesitation, they both said, “Hers.”
“Move,” I said, pushing through and heading toward my desk.
Pharis wasn’t letting this go; and I was equal parts nervous and aroused by what would happen next.
I had missed her so goddamn much.
I mean, she was here. That had to be good, right? Maybe this was going to be easier than I thought.
Taking my seat, I leaned on my desk, asking casually, “What brings you by?
Staring at her hands, she asked softly, “Do you love me?”
Completely caught off guard and supremely uncomfortable, I shifted in my seat. “Fuck.”
Looking up, our eyes caught and what I saw in hers crippled me. “Do you love me, Eddie?”
Speechless, lost in the pain of my own making, I said nothing, like always.
“You’ve never said it,” she said sadly. “Not once. But that was okay because you showed me, you know? I felt it, I knew. Then you stopped showing me, and I stopped feeling it. I wasn’t enough, so I gave you what you wanted. You wanted out, I gave you that out because despite my own pain, I wanted you to be happy.” Internally I was dying, but externally I was stoic. In that moment, I was grateful for my training. “It guts me to think of you dating, touching another woman, replacing me. But what hurts me clearly doesn’t matter to you. I don’t matter to you. So please,” she said, dropping her head in defeat. “Stop acting like I do.”
Clearing my throat, I garbled her name. When she turned her head away, I wanted to hold her, kiss her, promise her the world I stole from underneath her.
But instead of manning up, telling her how I really feel, I took the chicken shit way out. “I gotta get back to work.”
“Yeah, okay, Eddie,” she said, looking destroyed all over again. Scanning the room as if she just now realized others were in it, I watched her face redden as she practically ran away.
Taking her place, Butch crossed his legs at the ankles. “Stop fucking with her heart.”
“Stay out of my marriage.”
“You seem to forget you aren’t married anymore, asshole.”
Yeah, well tell that to my heart. The organ never signed anything. “You got a point?”
“You and Pharis, what you had, was all any of us ever wanted. It’s what any man wants, Eddie. You had a woman so in love with you, so goddamn devoted to you, it gave the rest of us hope. You didn’t say then, and I doubt you will now, but I want to know why you’d let that go.”
Grinding my jaw, ready to pounce and not at all ready to come clean, I said, “I had my reasons.”
“Ain’t a single reason I can think of except you fucked around on her.”
“Fucked around?” I exploded out of my chair. “That woman is my one and only, asshole!”
“Then why?” he yelled back.
“Because one day she’d wake up and see she deserves better than me, all right!”
At my outburst, you could hear a pin drop in the bullpen of a police department, and that was saying something. “Are you fucking happy now?” I asked him.
“No,” he said. “And neither are you.”
“No shit.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
Sliding my coat on and getting in his face, I vowed, “I’m getting my fucking wife back.”
And for good measure, I slapped him upside the head on my way out.