Prologue
December 1804
The sea pitched and the ship rolled upon it, tossed about like a child’s toy. It was a dark day, the morning’s gray leaden sky having grown darker with each passing hour as it threatened to break open at any moment and pelt them with rain. Vicious wind had already made the journey difficult, but it seemed the closer they came to their destination, the more difficult it became. Was it an omen, perhaps, Lady Agatha Blakemore wondered?
The sky was nearly black with the coming storm and the wind whipped wickedly at the sails, snapping them with such force it seemed impossible that the entire ship would not come apart. It ripped at her skirts and tugged at her carefully pinned hair until long tendrils escaped and danced about her face.
Lady Agatha bit back a miserable groan as another wave of nausea swamped her. They had fled France in the wake of the vile and self-proclaimed emperor’s plan to invade England with his band of miscreant sailors. It had been one catastrophe after another. The journey had seen them all fall ill, even the most seasoned of sailors. Some aboard the ship whispered that it was not seasickness at all but poison. She had to wonder if that was not the truth. It had been an exercise in misery from the moment they boarded the ship.
But it wasn’t only that, a traitorous voice in her mind whispered. She missed him. Despite everything she had learned, despite knowing the painful truth about him, she still longed for him. The touch of his hand on hers, the way he had kissed her as if starved for the taste of her lips—those memories haunted her and she imagined that they would for the rest of her life. Nothing would ever measure up to the joy she’d known with him or to the crippling heartbreak when she’d discovered it had all been a lie.
The ship pitched again on an enormous wave. She gripped the railing and struggled to remain on her feet. Staying above and watching the storm was risking life and limb, but to go below and allow the awful sickness to sweep through her, once more, was beyond her.
“This is interminable,” she said on a breathless gasp.
“We shall be home soon enough and put all of this foolishness behind us,” Lord Blakemore said.
He’d approached from behind and she had not heard him until he was upon her due to the raging wind and the creaking of the ship. Agatha’s stomach pitched for another reason entirely. He would never let her forget just as he would never allow her indiscretion to be forgotten. Her once-adoring husband looked at her differently now, as if she’d been sullied beyond redemption, and she supposed that was true enough. Guilt and shame would be her companions forevermore. Nothing shamed her more than the knowledge that she would run back to her lover at the merest provocation if she thought he would have her.
“Where is Graham?” she asked. Their son was the only topic of conversation that did not result in tension between them. There was little else for them to talk about truly. He despised her now, as he should.
“He’s below… suffering his own misery of seasickness. We should reach land within a few hours. Once you’re both on dry land, it will all look better,” he answered stiffly.
“I should go check on him,” she said.
He scoffed at that. “You wouldn’t make it without tossing up your accounts. You stay here in the air and I’ll go see to the boy.” He paused then and turned back to her. “Be careful, Agatha. The sea is vicious and greedy.”
She didn’t argue the point as the very idea of taking her eyes off the growing chunk of land on the horizon made her stomach roil. England. His warning rang behind him, the words sending a chill snaking along her spine that had nothing to do with the bitter wind and cold mist that blew up from the lashing waves.
Choppy seas, she thought. It was a metaphor, no doubt, for the muddle she’d made of her own life. She should have been happier to be home, happier to be returning to Castle Black and a quiet life with her family. That Nicholas was forgiving enough as a man to even have her back was a testament to his character. Certainly there was bitterness between them. And there would be, perhaps, forever. But he had not denounced her. He had not divorced her and left her to ruin in Paris. It was within his rights to cast her off, to petition the House of Lords and the church for a divorce and leave her to her considerable shame. But he had not. Despite the hurt she could see so clearly in him, he had simply stated that they would return to England together and leave her brief madness behind. She should be grateful.
But all she could think of was Etienne, the man she’d nearly thrown everything away for. Even now, with her son below deck and her husband tending to him, returning to her life as a member of the upper echelon of British society, she’d throw it all away in a moment if he’d have her.
But the ugly truth of Etienne’s betrayal was undeniable. She’d loved him and he had used her, had preyed on her loneliness and the weakness of her character that she had never suspected before. His sole interest in her had been to have access to her husband’s papers, to find out precisely what he knew about the movements of British operatives covertly working in France. She’d been his dupe and she’d risked everything she held dear for a moment’s passion with a man who could never be trusted. So now, thanks to the mercy of her husband, she was being permitted to return to the life she’d nearly destroyed.
The ship lurched again, so violently that she lost her footing and had to grasp the railing to avoid being pitched overboard. A particularly nasty gust of wind came up, tearing at the sails. An ominous crack sounded, but the shouts and frantic running of the sailors truly sparked her alarm.
“Graham,” she whispered, her own sickness and misery forgotten. She needed to reach her son and her husband.
Struggling to her feet, she made her way to the narrow stairs that would lead below deck. As her feet touched the floor, water rushed up around her ankles. They were sinking. The ship would go down and they would go down with it.
No sooner had the thought occurred to her than she saw him, Nicholas. Her husband. He rushed from their cabin holding Graham to him.
“Get back up those stairs and get to one of the longboats,” he shouted.
“What’s happening?” Agatha screamed.
“The mast has broken… the ship will founder and sink. Our only chance is to get to one of the longboats. Go, Agatha! Hurry!” Lord Nicholas shouted.
He’d never raised his voice to her. He’d always been calm, reasonable and a bastion of strength and stalwart sanity in an otherwise crazy world. Yet, she could see the fear in him, she could see that he was terrified. She also knew that his terror had little to do with his own survival but with hers and Graham’s. Even now, in the wake of her betrayal, he continued to be selfless and perfect. She didn’t deserve him.
“Agatha,” he said again, pleading. “I cannot carry you both up to that deck. Do not make me choose which of you to save!”
Those words brought the ugly reality of their situation crashing down on her. With a jerky nod, she turned and scrambled back up the stairs to the main deck. Nicholas was behind her, Graham clinging to him with the awful seasickness that had plagued them since they’d boarded the ship at Calais. It had seemed such a hardship then but, now, facing true danger, it seemed such a minor thing.
Once on the deck, chaos reigned. Members of the crew were rushing to and fro as the ship pitched and rolled, taking on more and more water. It was already listing dangerously to one side.
“Lady Blakemore!” The first mate rushed toward her. He grasped her arm in a breach of etiquette. But under the circumstances, one could hardly cling to the rules of society. “You must get into the boat.”
She did, though with difficulty. Leaning starboard as it was, she had to leap into the boat, her skirts tangling about her legs. As she looked up, Nicholas was clambering over the side and into the boat as well. He reached up to take Graham’s wan and nearly lifeless form from the crewman when the ship suddenly pitched again. The ropes securing one end of the longboat snapped. Agatha screamed as she clung to the sides of the boat. Nicholas reached for her, grasping her wrists to hold on to her.
“I’ve got to cut it loose,” the crewman said.
“No!” Agatha shouted. Graham was still on the ship.
The man ignored her protests, cutting the ropes that secured the boat and sending it crashing to the waves below. The seawater nearly swamped the boat as it rushed in, but Nicholas was there, bailing out quickly.
Every wave carried them further away from the ship, further away from her son who still remained there with the crew of the doomed vessel.
“Go back! Go back for him!”
“If we are near the ship when it goes under, it will take us with it,” Nicholas said, grasping her arms.
“I don’t care! You must save him.”
“I must save you,” he insisted. “And the child you carry.”
“It isn’t yours,” she admitted.
“I know,” he said. “They will put Graham on another boat. We will find him shortly, Agatha. But for now, for the sake of you and your unborn child, we must wait here.”
She wept then. Knowing the truth of what he said, having to choose between the safety of her son and the safety of her unborn child was a position no woman should ever be put in.
A loud groan emanated from the ship and then it began to break apart, the boards snapping beneath the pressure of the water rushing into it. It was only minutes until it disappeared entirely, swallowed by the raging sea.
“God is punishing me,” she muttered, her voice rising with hysteria. “God is punishing me and I deserve it, but he does not. Please, dear Lord, give me back my son… give me back my son.”
She was still muttering that phrase beneath her breath, her voice having grown weak with the strain hours later when their small boat reached land. Other survivors were there. Bodies littered the beach, driven there by the raging sea. They lay stretched out like driftwood. But they were all grown men, sailors. There were no little boys.
Graham, the only son and heir to Lord Blakemore of Castle Black, had vanished—taken by the vicious and greedy sea her husband had warned her of.