Tina

“Smile for the cameras!”

I gripped Julian’s arm as I followed the photographer’s instructions and smiled for all I was worth. Smiling while my heart was breaking was nothing new for me. I was kind of a pro at faking joy.

Julian, on the other hand…

“Smile,” I hissed.

“It’s hard to smile when you’re clawing my arm.” His voice was low and filled with humor and some of my anxiety faded at the sound of it.

I eased my grip and turned to face him in the nearly empty auditorium which the yearbook staff had temporarily taken over for a photo session commemorating the prom court.

I don’t know that I really knew how much I was asking of Julian when I’d stupidly blurted out my request. But now it was too late.

What had I been thinking?

I hadn’t been thinking. That was the answer. I’d been acting on some weird, overwhelming impulse. Julian had made it clear that he wanted to be friends. I mean, why else would he be so eager to avoid talking about the most epic and amazing kiss of my life.

Well, it was tied with that kiss on open mic night.

Either way, those kisses had changed my life. And no, I wasn’t being melodramatic. Well, maybe just a little. But the truth was, that kiss had given me hope. I’d been terrified after breaking up with Alex.

No, not terrified. I’d felt…lost. Like for the first time in years I had no map, no guide, no clear-cut path. I was no longer Tina of Tina-and-Alex. I wasn’t that girl anymore.

Now that some time had passed I still felt lost but not in a bad way. It was almost freeing. I might not know what path I was walking on, but I loved the view.

I looked up at Julian and laughed as he gave me a ridiculously fake smile that showed all his teeth.

“Pretty,” I said.

He laughed and I found myself laughing too. For the first time since we entered this room I felt my shoulders relax. I even managed to forget that Alex was there too, glaring at me. At us.

I shifted so I was blocking Julian from his glare, as if that could help. Guilt had been nagging at me ever since I’d emotionally manipulated Julian into being my date. He’s been a good sport about it this past week, gamely tagging along as I picked out his tux to go with my pale pink dress, listening to my craziness tolerant bemusement as I explained multiple times why this crown should be mine.

The look he gave me when I went into “psycho sweetheart” mode—that was Julian’s term for it. Sweet, right? Anyway the look he gave me when I went into that crazy competitive mode made my heart hurt. It made breathing difficult in the very best way.

The only word I could think of to describe it was tender. There was so much affection in his eyes when he teasingly called me “crazyface” or made jokes at my expense that involved movie references no one born in this century would ever recognize.

That look in his eyes made me love his teasing. Better yet, his teasing made me laugh at myself, which had never been my strong suit, I’d be the first to admit.

Even now, he was making me laugh as he leaned forward to whisper that I had a hair out of place.

I did not have a hair out of place. I checked my reflection no less than twenty times before entering this vipers’ nest.

And that’s what this was. The only friendly people here were Brian and Alice. Brian was on the court. Alice wasn’t but she’d shown up because the dates of the court members were featured in some shots.

That’s why Julian was here too.

He was here, in this room with Alex and Melody and Hayley and every other so-called friend who was watching and waiting with barely concealed relish as Alex openly sneered at us.

I heard Melody giggle when he whispered something to her and my fists clenched at my side.

“Relax,” Julian said. He was still leaning down so he could talk directly into my ear. He had to bend at the waist thanks to the height difference.

“They’re talking about us,” I said.

“So?”

He sounded so genuinely unaffected that I looked up at him in surprise. “You really don’t care.”

He arched his brows in surprise. “No. Why, should I?”

The response made me laugh as I rolled my eyes. “You are so weird.”

“And you are so beautiful.”

I stopped breathing. The moment went from joking camaraderie to insanely intimate in a heartbeat. How did he do that? It seemed impossible that we could be sharing an intimate moment here and now, especially considering we were currently surrounded by people. People who were judging and mocking…

But they ceased to exist as his gaze met mine.

He wasn’t joking. Not even a little bit. He thought I was beautiful.

I drew in a shaky breath. “Thank you.” I reached out and tugged at his button-down pale blue shirt that I’d picked out of his closet in preparation for today’s pictures. “You look nice too.”

He gave me a small smile and my heart stopped. It just stopped. I might as well have been declared dead on the spot, that’s how much it stopped beating. And when it started up again, it raced to catch up.

How did he do that to me with a simple look? It was crazy.

Especially since he was a friend. Just a friend.

Just a friend I was desperate to kiss again.

I’d never been good at lying to myself and this was no exception. I liked him. I liked the geeky loner musician who probably never even watched a sporting event on TV let alone participated in one. Still, I liked him. Me, a cheerleader. A popular girl. No—the popular girl.

My reign as queen of Briarwood High would end with me crushing on a nerd.

What on earth was happening to me?

But no, it wouldn’t end like that at all. It would end with me being friends with a nerd. Because that’s what we were. Friends. Just friends. I took a deep breath and tried to act like he hadn’t just flipped my world upside down with a smile.

I’d seen the “let’s just be friends” speech coming from a mile away back in the car. He’d pulled away from me, from that kiss. And he’d had every right. He was still hurting over his ex, and even if he wasn’t—I couldn’t expect him to actually like me. I knew what people thought of me. I knew what they called me. The queen of the witches. The crazy, mean, manipulative, power-hungry, popularity-crazed, shallow fraud. Maybe not in those particular words, but that was the gist of what was said about me.

And all of it was true.

I was a fraud. When I saw myself through Julian’s eyes, it was all so clear. I was a fraud. Changing my hair back to normal didn’t change that. I didn’t know how to be genuine and real, I’d spent too many years playing games and manipulating the social hierarchy.

And what did I have to show after all these years of hard work and mind games?

I had no boyfriend, one friend who I liked far too much who would never take me seriously, and no girlfriends to speak of. At least, none who weren’t currently laughing at me behind my back and waiting for me to trip and fall so they could snatch my crown.

The photographer shouted out for us to line up once more in a different order. Julian sighed. “My face is going to fall off if I have to smile anymore.”

“Hang in there, champ,” I said as I gave his butt a light pat like a baseball player would. “If you do well today I’ll take you out for ice cream.”

His eyes lit up and for a moment he looked so sweetly boyish it made me want to laugh all over again. I wanted to go up on tiptoe and kiss him. But that was the kind of thing a girlfriend would do, not a friend.

Besides, Alex and his cronies were watching everything we did and I refused to give them any more ammunition. They could say what they wanted about me—I no doubt had it coming and I was used to it—but I hated that Julian was their new target.

Because of me.

Guilt and something far worse made me hurry away from him to take my place in the girls’ side of the lineup. I could feel Alex’s smirk as I passed him, but worse, I heard his voice in my head.

You’d eat him alive.

If I was being honest that was the other reason I’d decided to beat him to the “let’s just be friends” speech. Alex was right. Julian was too much of a nice guy for me. I’d spent too long in the toxic world of backstabbing players.

Julian didn’t fit into my world. He stood out in this crowd like some shiny penny amidst a bunch of tarnished nickels. He and I didn’t fit together just like he didn’t fit in with this group.

Julian was good. He was noble, even. Like some sort of old-school hero he had these firm notions of right and wrong and he’d managed to get through his entire school career without falling victim to popularity politics. He was above it all.

Or he had been until I’d dragged him down to my level. Now he was being talked about and stared at like some sort of science specimen, and it was all thanks to me and my selfish request.

I looked over in his direction only to see that Alex had shifted, moving over in his line until he was standing between Brian and Julian.

People tend to get hurt when they come between you two.

That was Veronica’s voice now, coming back to shame me. Fear gripped my belly and for the first time since we arrived, my smile wouldn’t come. Not that big bright toothy grin I’d perfected years ago, not even a fake smirk.

“Smile!” the photographer commanded.

I couldn’t look away from Alex and Julian. Alex was leaning over, saying something.

I saw Julian stiffen, a flash of anger so sudden and so unexpected it made my breath leave me in a whoosh.

“All eyes up front,” the camera guy said, sounding far more impatient this time.

It seemed I wasn’t the only one distracted.

Julian and Alex were muttering now, and the look on Alex’s face made me want to leap across the row of people and tackle him to the ground. His smirk had turned nasty.

I should have leaped. Better yet, I should never have gotten Julian involved in the first place.

Those were the two thoughts that shot through my mind as the two guys in question attacked one another. I’d been watching closely but I couldn’t tell you who’d started it. They’d seemed to move at once, all flying fists and flailing limbs. Soon they were on the ground, and the room broke into chaos.

I was screaming at Alex to stop but before I could reach them they were being pulled apart. Brian had Alex in a wrestling lock beneath the arms and the giant quarterback was dragging my ex away as he struggled against him.

One of the other guys was tugging Julian away, but he shrugged the guy off, already coming to his senses, though his black-framed glasses were slightly askew and his breathing was coming fast and hard.

I almost didn’t recognize him as he glared at Alex—the fury in his face shocking in its fierceness.

I stopped walking. Stopped moving. I couldn’t bring myself to cross over to him.

Alice was at his side. She glanced over at me as Julian continued to glare at Alex, but I couldn’t meet her eyes.

I knew she’d judge me. She should judge me. This was my fault.

People tend to get hurt when they come between you.

I was pretty sure I heard someone call my name but I couldn’t stick around. I ran toward the door, ignoring the ensuing chaos that erupted behind me as everyone seemed to talk at once.

I could still hear Alex’s loud shouts following me out into the hallway. “She’s mine, bro. She’ll always be mine.”

I escaped to the safety of a classroom—I’d been pulled out of biology for the photo session and no one seemed to notice when I slipped back in.

Melody came in shortly after while I was still trying to make sense of the whirl of emotions. I couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Julian’s face.

Rage. I recognized it like an old friend.

But I’d never seen Julian angry before. That was my thing. Julian was all laid back—snarky and sarcastic, maybe, but not angry and never violent.

What had I done?

The answer was clear. Melody took her seat beside me but I ignored her whispers and her stares. She wanted to talk, wanted to gossip about what had happened. But I didn’t want to talk about it, especially not with her.

Under any other circumstances I might have been able to get a grip. I may have been able to make a funny, offhand comment about guys fighting. But my head was filled with the sound of my blood rushing through my veins, my mind was a swirl of memories and accusations, from others and from me.

The teacher’s voice managed to keep me from having to listen to Melody until the last few minutes when he gave us permission to talk amongst ourselves. Damn. Of all the times to be given free rein in the classroom.

When I finally couldn’t avoid it any longer I turned my head to face Melody. The ugly look on her face was shocking. It wasn’t like I ever doubted the fact that Melody was my frenemy, with the emphasis on ‘enemy.’ I considered most girls in this school a frenemy, if not an enemy. If they didn’t fall into one of those categories, they didn’t exist in my world. Like Alice, for example.

So yeah, Melody’s blatant dislike for me wasn’t a surprise. The fact that she wasn’t trying to hide it—that was the shocker.

“You must be so happy,” she said with a sneer that I guessed was supposed to resemble her typical wide smile. “Two guys fighting over you.”

My stomach churned with disgust. At myself. She was right, there was a time when I would have paid money for a scene like that. For Alex to be so out of his mind with jealousy that he punched a guy for me.

But now? God, I was anything but happy.

People tend to get hurt when they come between the two of you.

Veronica had outright said it to my face, and I still hadn’t listened.

“That’s not what I wanted,” I said, my voice weirdly meek.

“Wasn’t it?” Melody’s voice was filled with amusement. She didn’t believe me.

My thoughts were starting to shift into place, the initial shock of watching Alex and Julian get into a fight starting to fade and understanding beginning to dawn.

Melody seemed to read my mind. “He must really like you.”

I didn’t insult either of our intelligences by saying “who?” We both knew she was talking about Julian. I shrugged. There was no way in hell I was going to tell Big-Mouth Melody about our friendship or about how close we’d gotten in such a short amount of time.

She wouldn’t understand. I knew she couldn’t understand because I’d experienced it firsthand and I still couldn’t explain it. How to tell someone like Melody…someone like me…about something so real and so simple as friendship.

Something so pure as love.

I shook my head quickly as if that could dismiss the thought. I tried to shake the word love out of my mind like a dog would shake off water.

It didn’t work.

Love, love, love.

A voice in my head seemed intent on taunting me.

Only Melody’s melodramatic sigh interrupted that nagging voice. “Poor guy.”

I glared over at her. “Shut up, Melody. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

It was a mistake. She smirked at my response. She’d won that round just because she’d gotten under my skin.

“Do you think he knows you’re just using him?” she asked. “He probably does and doesn’t even care. Guys like that are pathetic enough to let themselves be used.” She widened her eyes in mock horror. “Unless he’s getting something out of this weird relationship.” She leaned forward, her voice too loud so everyone around us could hear. “Oh my God, are you sleeping with that loser?”

I leaned forward too, my voice coming out through a clenched jaw. “Shut it, Melody. I’m serious.”

For the first time ever, Melody didn’t cower in the face of my anger. She had a newfound confidence and I knew why.

She thought I was slipping.

Anger reared up in the face of her smugness. After all these years she finally found a weakness and she just couldn’t wait to strike. She’d give anything to graduate as the queen of this school.

No chance in hell.

I dropped the anger; I stopped taking the bait. Instead I shoved the tornado of swirling emotions to the side and focused with cold clarity.

Melody was no match for me and she never would be. Instead of slapping her like I would have liked, I decided we’d all had enough violence for one day.

Tina Withers was a queen, and royalty didn’t need to resort to violence. Raising my voice slightly I gave her my best pity smile, the one that said ‘oh honey, you try so hard but you’ll never be me.’

“Don’t be jealous, sweetie,” I cooed for her sake as well as the sake of every single gossiping eavesdropper in sight.

Melody’s neck grew mottled and blotchy. She was pissed, and maybe even a little scared. She’d started a fight with the queen bee—she should be scared. Melody wasn’t the brightest bulb in the bunch, but she was smart enough to know when she was outmatched.

I leaned back and crossed my perfectly tanned legs. “Not all of us can have guys fighting over us.”

Her lips twisted before she forced a laugh, joining in on my stupid, conceited giggle.

I laughed loudly and gave a signature toss of my hair. I acted as though I’d planned all this. As though I wasn’t gutted at the realization of what I had to do.

I had to let Julian go.

Even admitting it to myself made me want to cry. But I knew what I had to do—I think I knew from the moment that fistfight broke out, I just hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself.

If I did this, I’d lose him for good. Quite possibly the nicest and most genuine person I’d ever met. He’d be gone. No more kisses, no more tender looks, no more confiding in his car and no more stupid jokes to make me laugh when I was low.

If I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’d be no better than Leila.

No, I’d be worse.

It was all so clear as I listened to Melody ramble on about how pretty my prom dress was. She was already groveling and it was pathetic.

I doodled on my notebook, my smile frozen in place. I’d been an idiot to think I could change. What, had I really thought that a change of hair color would suddenly transform me? Did I think I might not hate myself for the kind of person I’d become if I was a brunette?

The sadness faded, thank God, but not out of some newfound joy or even acceptance. No, there was a coldness inside me now. I was numb. And that in itself was a relief.

This was me. The ice queen. The cold-hearted witch. The one who could use a nice guy like Julian to get back at her ex.

Who cared if it wasn’t true? It didn’t matter. It may not have been intentional, but he’d gotten hurt. And next time it wouldn’t be physical pain, which he could easily rebound from.

I’d hurt him because it’s what I did. It’s what Alex did.

That’s why we’d always fit.

Melody had been right, not that I’d ever admit it. I’d seen the way he’d been looking at me in the auditorium. I’d felt it in his kiss. He may not have been ready to admit it in the car, but he liked me. Maybe even more than liked me.

The thought brought with it a panicky feeling that I hated. It cut through the numbness until I forcefully shoved it to the side.

Panic attacks were for the storage closet, not now when I was surrounded by vicious gossips.

The thought of Julian’s eyes, the image of his expression when he’d fought Alex on my behalf—no, I couldn’t think about that now.

The truth was, I didn’t know how to handle someone like Julian having feelings for me. It was too much pressure. He’d require too much from me—too much honesty, too much kindness. And that wasn’t me. Not really.

That day in the stockroom was an anomaly. A moment out of time. And the conversations in his car? The moments we’d had when I’d felt like we were so close? I’d been fooling myself into thinking they could last—that this could last.

It couldn’t. Not really. I stared back at the vipers around me, saw their awe and their fear at the big baddie in their midst.

This was who I was. I was the girl who’d do anything to win the crown. I glanced over at the now meek and subservient Melody. I was the girl who’d make others cry to stay on top.

This was me.

And this wasn’t someone Julian could like, let alone love. If he had any feelings at all they were for the girl he’d found crying in a closet.

And I wasn’t her. I didn’t want to be her. Being that girl was too hard, and she was too weak. Besides, I’d spent years becoming who I was. I couldn’t change overnight.

Defeat was overwhelming, but it was also sort of a relief to slide into that numbness completely. It was easier this way…and safer. For me and for Julian. I’d been an idiot to think I could be anything other than what I was.

Everyone was watching me.

“Are you all right?” Melody asked.

I fixed my faltering smile. “Just worried about Alex.”

Melody gave me a sympathetic smile that made me want to vomit. So fake. So manipulative.

Just like me.