At half-past three in the morning, sickened and exhausted, Gage ended his stream and slumped back in his office chair. He was naked, as he always was by the time a stream ended, and he was cold. It wasn’t the same kind of cold he’d felt the harshest days in the winter when he couldn’t afford to put the heat up, or the kind of cold he got from not wearing proper clothing for the temperature—it was the kind of cold that stretched between his bones like sticky sinew and turned his heart to ice.

Seeking relief, he plucked his favorite blanket from its spot by his desk and wrapped himself up in it, nuzzling against the downy-soft fibers as sleep tugged at his eyelids. The cold feeling didn’t go away, but the emotional comfort of the blanket helped drag him into a better headspace. Nausea corkscrewed in his stomach, as it so often did once the camera was finally off, and he did his best to ignore it. Tonight was over. He’d earned what he’d needed to earn, and the extra he’d brought in would go toward Bo’s medical funds. There was nothing to feel sick about.

Nothing but the orange-lit notification at the bottom of his screen from Aaron.

Unwelcome tears clouded Gage’s vision, only to be blinked away. He was just tired, that was all. After a good night’s sleep, he wouldn’t feel so miserable. If Aaron knew what he was doing to make a living, and the circumstances behind Gage’s choice, he would understand. For now, Gage would carry the burden without complaint—one day soon, the nightmare would be over, Aaron would come home with his degree, land a great job, and be able to support Gage while he got back on his feet. The sacrifice was worth it.

Aaron was worth it.

Gage blotted his tears on his blanket, then reached for his mouse and brought up his conversation with Aaron. The farther he scrolled, the worse he felt, until he read the last line and his heart shattered into vicious, jagged little pieces that tore into his insides and made him bleed.

A.Alcrest: I love you, baby. I’m working hard to make sure we’re together again soon. Keep being strong for me. Our time apart will be over before you know it.

An ugly sob burst in Gage’s throat, and he twisted around in his chair so he could bury his face against the backrest. He was trying his hardest to be strong, but he’d been struggling for so long that his resolve was starting to wear thin, and his endurance was waning. He’d put his life on hold so that Aaron could achieve his true potential—taking care of Bo, their son from their blissful, unprotected summer together, took all of Gage’s time. He didn’t have the finances to afford a full-time babysitter, and due to the unique nature of his situation, he couldn’t turn to his friends or family for help. No one but Alex and an old family friend Gage trusted entirely—Mal—knew Bo existed, and it had to stay that way.

If anyone had found out about Bo, word would have spread to Aaron, and it would have grounded him right when he was about to take off. Their future would have deteriorated. To Gage, who’d vowed that he’d endure the heartaches that came his way while Aaron was abroad, there was no sense in shackling both of them to failure. While Aaron accomplished his dreams, Gage would pay for their mistakes. And when Aaron came home and took care of Gage like he promised he would, Gage wouldn’t have to live like he did anymore.

He’d never have to stream again.

No matter how sick live streaming his body and entertaining lonely, piggish men made him, Gage loved Aaron too much to want to clip his wings. He would stomach his unfortunate situation while Aaron succeeded because he believed in him, and he believed in their future.

Aaron was the one for him. His heart forbade any other.

Even when he felt like breaking down.

“Keep being strong,” Gage whispered under his breath, voice wobbling. At any moment, he was sure he’d burst into tears all over again. “He’s going to be home soon. You’re not going to have to do this forever. Everything in life is only for now. It’s all only for now.”

Gage closed his eyes and rocked himself slowly, turning his chair back and forth with a gentle push of his leg against his desk. The same thoughts echoed in his mind that he always had when his heart told him he couldn’t keep going like this.

It won’t be forever. You’re doing this for him. One day, he’ll be back, and your world will be right again.

This time, they sounded hollower than they had before.

KnotMyProblem: You’re up late. Isn’t it 3ish where you live, TD?

TeenDad2: Yeah. 3:45AM.

KnotMyProblem: Insomnia?

TeenDad2: Something like that.

Gage glanced across the room at Bo, who slept peacefully on his tiny toddler bed. They shared a room—Gage needed the closet-sized second bedroom as an office. By the time Bo got big enough that he’d need his own space, Aaron would be home, and Gage wouldn’t be paying the bills with his body anymore. He wouldn’t need an office.

A private message came through on the chat. It didn’t surprise Gage to see that it was from Knot—no one else was awake.

KnotMyProblem: Is everything okay, TD? You seem kind of… despondent. I mean, you’re even punctuating all your sentences

TeenDad2: It’s been a long day. I’ll be better once I get some sleep.

KnotMyProblem: Is it Bo again?

A sensation itched beneath Gage’s skin, like he’d been stuffed with fiberglass insulation. It prickled and stuck, and no matter how he shifted, he couldn’t get it to go away.

TeenDad2: Sort of. It’s a lot of things.

KnotMyProblem: I know that I’m an asshole, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. I want to help make things better. What can I do?

The exhausted, grumpy part of Gage’s mind wanted him to tell KnotMyProblem that he could help by keeping his nose out of Gage’s business. The kinder, more rational part of his mind assured him that Knot was a friend, and he was trying to help. Still, the prickling feeling didn’t go away.

TeenDad2: There’s not a lot you can do, unless you can bring my bf home from Munich haha

KnotMyProblem: Your baby daddy?

TeenDad2: Yeah

KnotMyProblem: What’s he doing in Munich again?

TeenDad2: he’s studying at LMU to get his PhD

KnotMyProblem: Uh, so, why isn’t he getting his PhD closer to where you live? You’re in Aurora, right? There are good schools there. You don’t need to waltz off to Europe to get your doctorate

TeenDad2: LMU is THE top school in his field

KnotMyProblem: Okay, so…?

TeenDad2: So when he graduates, employers are going to rush him. He’s already had a bunch of job offers.

KnotMyProblem: … To positions located in Aurora?

Gage frowned.

TeenDad2: No.

KnotMyProblem: TD…

TeenDad2: He’s coming back to Aurora. He is, Knot. I know that you think he’s stringing me along, and that he’s playing me, and that I’m being stupid, but I’m not. He LOVES me.

KnotMyProblem: He’s been gone what, for almost five years? Bo’s almost four, and it takes nine months to make a baby, so…

TeenDad2: I don’t see what your point is

KnotMyProblem: A lot changes in five years. Five years ago, you were a teenager.

TeenDad2: I was eighteen. I was an adult.

KnotMyProblem: Okay, and you’re 22 now, right? Think back to when you were eighteen. How different are you now? How much do you want to cringe when you think about the old you?

The fiberglass prickled stronger now than it had before. Gage shifted onto his side and tugged his blanket over his shoulders, hiding his phone beneath it, like doing so might hide the truth KnotMyProblem was forcing him to realize.

KnotMyProblem: You said your baby daddy is getting his PhD. That means he’s older than you are. In his 30s?

TeenDad2: No. He’s 27. He’s just really smart and driven.

KnotMyProblem: So he was, what, 23 when he knocked you up and promptly fled the country? Trust me… when I was 27, looking back at me when I was 23, I had the same reaction that you do at 22 looking back at you when you were 18. Time changes everything. He’s not the same guy you remember from back then. When you meet him again, you’re going to expect him to be a person that doesn’t exist anymore.

TeenDad2: No, you’re wrong. We talk every day. We’ve grown together.

KnotMyProblem: You know better than I do. Just… try to keep an open mind, okay? Sometimes things don’t work out, and that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. I’m here for you if you need me.

The prickling exploded, its needlelike shrapnel penetrating Gage’s defenses and sticking him in the soft, vulnerable parts of his soul he did his best to keep guarded. Irritation skittered across the back of his skull, like his head had been beset upon by a thousand busy ants. When he replied, he did so by tapping furiously at his phone, like jabbing the touchscreen could convey his anger.

TeenDad2: You don’t know my situation. You don’t know what Aaron and I have been through. You know what you know, Knot? NOTHING. I know you’re trying to help. I know that you hope that maybe I’ll leave Aaron so you can swoop in to be my knight in shining armor, but I’m just

Gage stopped typing abruptly. He hadn’t sent the message yet, and he regretted his tone. He deleted it and tried again.

TeenDad2: Thanks. I’m okay, really, but that’s nice of you to be there for me if I need someone. I want to make things 100% clear with you, though

KnotMyProblem: Yeah?

TeenDad2: You’re my friend, Knot. I’m not interested in you romantically. I find it really flattering that you’re worried for me, but I don’t see the possibility for anything more between us. My heart is already spoken for.

For a while, there was silence. Knot started and stopped typing several times before his reply appeared.

KnotMyProblem: I know

TeenDad2: I’m going to try to sleep now. It’s been a really tough day.

KnotMyProblem: Night, TD.

TeenDad2: Night

Gage logged off, put his phone beside his pillow, and covered his head with his blankets. Not even the September heat could chase him out from where he’d hidden.

All he needed to do was be strong for a little longer.

Just a little longer.

When Aaron came back, everything would be fine, and he—and Bo—could breathe easy again.