~20~

“What’s up with all that fidgeting?” I glanced up from my bare and toned legs and thighs to find a smirk playing at the sides of his lips.

My face folded. “I’m not fidgeting.” My eyes fell again to the five inch pumps I braved tonight. They were a pair of Ase Garbs his cousin swore I had to have when we met. I’d only worn them once and hoped the nude color was a good match with the red mini dress I picked myself. “She hasn’t seen me since I was a size fourteen. Just wanna make sure I’m put together.”

We’d just been shown our private dining room, hadn’t taken our seats yet.

“It’s only Myisha. She sounds so happy to be back, she won’t even remember the color of your teeth before you had them whitened.” My eyes shot up in a panic. I’d forgotten about that venture. Raj giggled then his face hardened and he stepped closer to me. “You trippin’.” He scowled at me, possibly picking up on my anxiety.

Then he stepped closer—an intimate juxtaposition—face still fixed in a scowl. But his eyes… They softened, and I knew what that meant. 

He wants to kiss me…

My gaze circled the private room. It was odd he chose DiFillippo’s. Our lives had been about public display to keep up the charade. This place was notoriously private, low key even. It’s what the owners prided their reputation on. Mentally, I shook off that curiosity. I couldn’t think with Raj this close. I could smell his delicious scent and feel his heated impression. It all covered me, fuzzing my brain.

“Why you have to put on all that lipstick,” he whispered softly, sending the coolness of his breath into my mouth.

“So my lips wouldn’t get dry,” I opted for sarcasm.

“You could’ve gone with clear. That, I could’ve wiped off,” he noted, eyes hooded.

I swallowed hard, my bladder suddenly dancing and I couldn’t pinpoint why. “Duly noted as your fake wife.” I backed away. “I need the restroom.”

I was on my way before he could reply. Security parted at the door and I was tailed to the back of the restaurant. Once inside and tapping on the black and white miniature tiled floors, I took a deep breath, relieved to be alone. I hurried into a stall and handled my business. On my way to the sink, I felt no less relaxed than I did when my bladder was raging. After washing my hands, I peered into the mirror. Taking a deep breath, I willed myself to just calm down. I’d been in far more precarious situations than this. Had sat across the table from the most inhumane beings known to man. Sharing a meal with my fake husband’s sister-cousin would be a swim in the kiddie pool.

Right…

My walk back to the private room seemed to have taken a decade as my face was to my pumps, but I knew I’d arrived when I heard a crisp gasp.

“Daaaaaaamn, Gina!” Myisha was standing to her feet, her manicured hands covering her gaping mouth as her eyes bulged. Myisha pivoted to regard Raj, who remained in his seat. “You really wanted her to disappear! The hell you do to her?” With a pained expression, she bowed her head, extended her arms, and wiggled her fingers summoning me to her.

I found myself rushing into her arms, greeting her like an old high school pal. Damn… It felt good having her sway me side to side, temporarily banishing my anxiety. She withdrew and pushed me back to pay another inspection. Myisha’s face was full of surprise.

“Yessssss, bitch. Yasssssss!” Her wide and smiling eyes bounced all over my body. “You ‘bout to make me call my old trainer up.” Then she tossed Raj a look. “I ain’t having you boss me around. Fuck that.”

That’s when I regretfully glanced over to him, too. Raj’s fixed eyes were half-mast and hungry. They dipped low then rose to meet my face.

“So!” I leaped in my heels and took her by the shoulders to gloss over that slip up. “That flight, huhn? How long was it?” I asked moving to an empty seat—away from him.

Myisha resumed her seat, rolling her eyes. “Too damn long!” She picked up the menu. “Y’all gots no idea how happy I am to be home. I’m beasting to get back to work.”

Two waiters appeared together to take our order.

“What’re you having,” Raj murmured, eyes on me as Myisha ran down her desires and specifications.

“Hmmmm…” I scanned the menu. “Something lite.”

“It’s your cheat day. You can have just about whatever you want,” his tone—now that we were in front of a new outsider—was too tender.

“I know,” I hummed, perusing the salad section, biting the inside of my lip.

I chose not to say I didn’t have much of an appetite.

“Hey, Wynter,” Myisha called out. “You wanna split a bottle of wine? I know Raj is only going to have Mauve.”

I shook my head. “No, thanks.” My face still to the menu. “I’m having water with lemon…sure I’ll have a real drink at home later.”

I couldn’t tell her I’d become conversant with Mauve myself, thanks to late night sharing and fucking with her cousin.

“Oh!” I heard the surprise in her voice. “Okay.” It was followed by a vocal shrug then she ordered her drink.

I settled on a small antipasto and Raj went with chicken marsala, holding the pasta and opting for a side salad. The moment the waiter left to fill our order, Myisha began to let it rip about her state of mind.

“Oh, my god!” Her hands shot dramatically in the air. “My phone wouldn’t stop the first month. Like… No matter how many emails I sent letting people know ahead of time I’d be on a sabbatical, and how many pix I posted on IG saying, ‘Hey, I’m away!’ folks wouldn’t let up!”

“I got a few calls and emails related to you,” Raj shared with half a smile, his head resting on his hand with his elbow on the table. It was adorable. He was relaxed and engaging with his cousin. I think I felt a bite of jealousy at that because lately, I’d been the recipient of his rapt attention. “Paul McDonald over at Showtime went through his emails while on the phone with me until he found your messages saying you’d be away and asked who to contact in your absence.” He let out a soft chuckle, contentment dancing in his eyes for his cousin, who was more like a sister returning home from such a long period and distance away.

“Ugh!” Myisha rolled her eyes. “So damn annoying,” she hissed.

“How was Vanda? His equipment hold up the whole ride?” Raj was asking about her keyboard playing Ukrainian boyfriend, the one she ran off with to do an international tour.

The man Myisha was choosing to take the big plunge with. Vanda, being one of Raj’s keyboardist for several years, had been chasing her for just as long. He gave her an ultimatum: come with him for four months or he’d never pursue her again. I encouraged her to go with it. She made this big fuss about letting go, and committing fully to a man. To finally lose her virginity, something that still didn’t sit well with me.

“He’s still out there.” Her eyes fell to the table where she fingered the top layer of white cloth. “Got another month or so to go.”

“Yeah.” Raj leaned into the table. “I thought it was weird when Wynter said you were coming home. The schedule Vanda gave said he’s due back a few weeks before we kicked off the rest of my tour.” His brows knitted, filled with curiosity.

Myisha’s warmly lined eyes brushed between the two of us quickly before falling again. The sommelier—I still couldn’t get over eating at a restaurant with an assigned wine waiter—was at her side, pouring a couple of drops of plum liquid into a wide-bowl glass. She giggled nervously, quickly lending her attention to taste testing the wine. Then Myisha nodded her approval and more was given.

She took a healthy gulp and midway, her eyes grew and she hummed her recollection. I watched as she swallowed big and placed her glass down. Coincidentally, Raj and my drinks were being delivered at the same time. “Hey!” Myisha began, ignoring the waiter moving about the table. “Did you know that in Abu Dhabi, they have beauty contests for camels?” She registered when my face opened up with interest. “Yeah! Camels are really important there.”

“Nah.” Raj placed his tumbler on the table after swallowing with stretched lips from the potency. “Didn’t know that. Never been, but would like to.” His eyes grazed me momentarily.

“Yup.” Myisha nodded. “The women usually have designer clothing underneath their abayas, but only other women will see it. And the men smoke hookah…think they call it shisha. They got a diverse population, mostly from people that work there. It’s mad hard to become a citizen of the UAE.”

“You thinking ‘bout moving there?” Raj teased. “I’mma have to kick Vanda’s Ukrainian ass.”

 Myisha rolled her eyes, fighting a smile. Shaking her head, she continued, “The boys do this thing called drifting where they drive on two wheels. It’s the craziest thing to see…” she went on, but I faded out for a bit, thinking how weird this all was.

Just two months ago, Myisha was a welcome distraction from the awkwardness of Raj and me being in the same room. Now, I envied her chemistry with him as she told stories of her discoveries in distance lands, fixedly holding his attention. The attention I was used to being exclusively on me for the past month.

Quickly, I shook that emotion off. Ragee didn’t deserve that. He needed as many emotional, trusting, and genuine connections he could get. As he and his cousin went back and forth about her trip and the business of his career that employed her, our food was served and we ate—well, they ate and I raked my salad around the plate mostly, my appetite playing hide-and-go-seek on me.

“You’ll never believe who I ran into in Manchester two months ago.” Myisha challenged with a devilish gleam in her eyes. “Serena.” She amended, “Williams.” My face folded slightly, and Raj’s eyes fell before he wiped his mouth with the cloth dinner napkin. “She was shopping for the baby.” She laughed.

Raj did not, and neither did I. I didn’t get the joke.

“Good for her,” was all he contributed.

“Get the hell outta here, Raj!” Myisha laughed with one arm crossed over the other and using one to hold her wine glass outwardly. “You know you were sick when you heard she was dating the internet tycoon!” She regarded me. “Girl, this man has had the biggest crush on that Williams girl!” She snickered again. “What’s crazy is he could’ve had her, but she was too damn aggressive. Ol’ girl made it clear what she wanted from Raj. That was going on for like…four or five years. Remember she came to your party in the Hamptons with her girls?” Myisha winked, as she sucked food from her teeth. “I think Kelly was down; fuck her fiancé at the time. She wanted Ragee!”

Raj snorted, sitting back in his chair. I could tell he was done with his food. This time, I was undisputedly jealous. It was illogical, but very much real. Ragee the singer could have any woman he wanted, layman or celebrity. Even with two degrees and no baby daddies, I couldn’t fuck with a tennis star and a popular girl band music star.

Raj tossed his chin my way. “You know she got a slot in L.I.T. Music’s training camp. Right?"

Myisha’s eyes met mine. “Really? That’s what’s up.” She took a sip of wine, and I nodded. “When does it start?”

“In a week,” Raj answered.

“In the City?”

“West Coast, mostly Arizona.” He yawned, stretching his shoulders while seated. “They got property out there with a studio. Lord the only one doing his class off the property. She’ll fly to L.A. for that one.”

Her regard was on me when she responded to him. “Damn. Lord running L.I.T. now. That’s a big deal, getting his time and knowledge.”

Feeling uncomfortable at the prospect, I swallowed. “I’m grateful for the opportunity.”

Myisha nodded then asked, “What does Mike have to say about that?” She rolled her eyes.

I considered that for a minute. “I haven’t heard from him since Super Bowl.” My gaze shifted to Raj. “He tried calling when we were sick, but I didn’t touch my phone.” He was the last person I thought to call back once I felt far enough from death again.

“Hmmmm…” Myisha hummed.

“I need to take a leak,” Raj murmured.

“Send the waiter back. I need another drink,” Myisha was able to relay before he was out of earshot.

I mentally noted it was her fourth glass. 

Raj announcing he needed the bathroom snapped me out of my head. He scooted back from the table and I grabbed my water, gulping down remnants of the salad I couldn’t taste. My pitiful regard was with him, as he sauntered away. The pathetic...cowardice in me wanted to be with him instead of being left here alone with an affiliate with whom I once shared companionable chemistry. Stealth. Hiding. Leaving loved ones in the dark. I hated keeping secrets. How long would this affair propagate itself?

“You fucked him,” she breathed melodically to my profile, her revelation seemed so sound.

I couldn’t face her. Instead I rolled my tongue over my teeth and gums to clear the debris of the salad ingredients. My eyes blinked successively and I pushed my lips out, an act of distraction.

“You had to. I peeped the way he looked at you when you came from the damn bathroom. His pride was in owning your body not trimming it.” A wave of arousal coursed my spine, and I rolled my eyes hating it. “And I know the cues of a cheater.” That comment got my attention and I turned to Myisha, finding her leaned into the table, head angled. “That’s what you’ve been acting like: someone who’s betrayed me—cheated on me.”

I went for my water again, eyes skirted all around the room, over her—except for on her. “Can’t cheat on you if we’re not in a relationship.”

“You basically did when you fucked my cousin.”

“He’s a big boy.” I snorted. “Trust me.”

“In the biblical sense?” Myisha hiked her brows.

No matter the reflection of my disposition, I felt horrible. Like shit. I knew this wouldn’t go over well. And no matter how crazy her claim, I did feel I betrayed Myisha. It didn’t matter that I’d gotten to know Raj far better in the past few months than I did her before she left the country. Myisha was nice to me, generous when everyone else was devising this fucked up ruse to make me feel like an outsider, an employee. She finessed it to appear as though we were “loose” girlfriends.

To abate the impending emotions, I cleared my throat. “You should speak to your cousin, Myi—”

“Bitch,” she murmured sharply. “I’m talking to you.” Her eyes pinned me for a time longer than I could measure. I swallowed hard, not knowing what to do. I would not argue with anyone over my sex life. It would not go down. But Myisha… She made it hard not to care. Her shoulders dropped and her face flashed pain. “He’s not that type of dude. Raj ain’t a come up kinda guy. If word get out that you’re using him, it’ll rattle the damn press for years to come.” My chin dropped. “He won’t marry again, and now the damn narrative’ll be it’s because he got burned by a basic bitch.”

“That’s better than the one where he participated in a fake marriage to prove he isn’t gay.” I cocked my head to the side, ready for her rebuttal.

Instead, I watched as Myisha cringed at that age-old fallacy. It pained her to hear as much as it did me to say it. She shook her head, shoulders dropped again. Long gone was the garrulous Myisha, who couldn’t stop yapping if we paid her to. Here was the bruised one.

“Look,” her tone was that of a battered soldier. “Now that you got something outta him, I hope you’re done. You can go to the camp and he can go off on his tour, and the story can be the scheduling ruined it for you two. You can be gone and he’ll be out of your hair.”

“What if I don’t want him out of my hair?”

“Why? So you can squeeze more opportunities from him?”

That hurt. Like…an actual fucking prick in my heart.

“Why can’t I genuinely care about him? Have a real connection with him? He is a fascinating man, by the way. A real good guy.”

Myisha pinned me with a stare of incredulity, shaking her head. “Fucking ain’t knowing. You don’t know him.”

“I’d like to think I do, to a large degree, Myisha.”

She scoffed, “Yeah. You bugged the hell out. Now, I know it for sure.” She waved me off. “The fuck you know about my family,” she spoke under her breath, going into her purse.

That rattled the hell out of me.

“I know if your momma wasn’t dead, I’d kill her myself.”

Myisha’s head flew up. Her wild eyes speared me and the spell of time she did twisted the blades. For countless seconds, we warred with our eyes, Myisha’s glare was far more lethal because once again, a new secret had been revealed. She’d just confirmed it was, in fact, her mother who’d molested Ragee. That jarring fact kept me in the fight. I wouldn’t back down. Assault is assault, and I wouldn’t dance around it.

“Y’all done or do you want dessert?” My eyes flew to Raj sauntering back into the private room, oblivious to the gunplay taking place. A faint smirk awakened on his face. “Wynter, I know you eatin’ like a mouse tonight and don’t want no sweets.”

When we brushed eyes, he immediately noticed my ill-disposition. I watched his regard go directly to his cousin, who, while she dug through her purse, hissed, “I’m good. Ready to go.”

Raj’s brows pinched and he questioned me through his eyes. Annoyed by it all, I shrugged with my face and reached for my clutch, needing a distraction.

I hate fucking secrets!

“Aye, yo, Mykee.” He spread his legs, opening his stance, and pushed his hands in his pocket. His head angled and he sucked his lips into his mouth, and I sensed something was coming. Myisha hesitantly gazed his way. She was struggling to keep her shit together. Raj sidled up behind me. “Wynter still staying in my room—and from now on,” he clarified.

And that was it. It was all that was needed to paint the picture of our new relationship. Our new arrangement.

“Yeah,” she muttered, gathering her things to stand. “So I see.” With hardly any regard, Myisha stood to leave the table.

Raj moved to grab her arm, concern dancing on his face. “What’s that all about?”

She tossed head back toward me. “You spilling family business to strangers?”

He glanced over to me again, reading me. I had nothing for him. I did nothing wrong.

He let her go and stepped back. “Who I tell what to is my business. I ‘on’t need nobody’s permission to do shit.”

I recognized that alpha move. He was shutting her out, shrinking her significance, and claiming his lane. It didn’t sit well with me at all. Too many times, I was the recipient of that ill-regard.

Myisha and Ragee warred silently, just the way we had moments ago. Her mouth went slack as she processed his move, his repositioning her on the chess board. Then her incensed regard hit me, and I caught a flash of betrayal in it.

“Yeah,” she hissed. “I see now.” Myisha jerked her body away and careened out of the room in her high heels.

Raj peered over to me with stormy eyes and did a reverse nod, gesturing it was time for us to go. My eyes fell as I grabbed my things and rose from the table to leave.

Once we made it back to the house, I scurried to the bathroom in the master suite to wash off my makeup and take a warm, calming shower. Once done, I tossed on one of Ragee’s t-shirts and a robe. When I came out into the room, Raj was sitting on the bench, half-dressed and appeared preoccupied with his head hung. I knew right away the weight looming over the room—the house.

“I’mma take a shower, too,” he murmured dejectedly. “And I’mma go downstairs and talk to her.”

“No.” I took a deep breath, my fingers found their way to my scalp, rubbing distractedly. “I think I need to talk to her.” He peered up to me with the same stormy eyes brewing since the restaurant. “Listen, I know you guys are close, know you two have a bond I wouldn’t dream of penetrating, but woman to woman, we have to get along. We have to pull this off, and I don’t like the way things went down back there. I feel like I need to be the one who initiates some type of reconciliation here.” I let go of air holding in my lungs. “Myisha and I may not be real girlfriends, but she was an on-time friend when I felt my world was crumbling as a consequence of an impulsive, deceptive decision I made.”

Raj’s eyes darted around the room as he considered it. But before he could respond, I was ambling out of the room. I didn’t trust him to make this call. Already, it was established he liked compartmentalizing information and emotions. In this instance, it was wrong.

“Aye,” I heard him call behind me. I turned to face him over my shoulder. “We good?”

I took a few moments to consider his question. Was he regretful? Did he care if we were on good terms? The man was so damn confusing—complex. I nodded my answer, feeling confident about my position.

I left for the main floor of the house and after a considerable hike, I was knocking at Myisha’s suite door.

“Come in,” her vocals dragged just as dejectedly as her cousin upstairs looked.

I turned the knob and pushed the door in. Right away, I located her across the massive room, sitting on the back of a sofa chair, gazing out the walkout door leading to a gallery. She wore a pink silk tank and short set with one strap hanging from her shoulder. In my approach, I could see she puffed on a cigar, a glass of wine not far from her reach. Myisha tossed a nasty, indifferent glance my way before going back to her nighttime gazing and puffing.

I rolled my eyes behind her back as I scratched my nose. “Listen, I didn’t deserve that earlier.”

“How the hell you think you didn’t?” She kept her back to me.

“Because I’m a consenting adult and so is Raj. Yeah, I can see you were caught off guard, but by no means should you feel betrayed. We’re healthy adults, good looking people, we have chemistry…it happens.”

“Yeah, but the shit you said about my family…”

I began to nod although she didn’t look at me. “Yeah. And I apologize for that. That isn’t my business…I don’t even want to make it my business. But what you did was equally wrong. You accused me of being a gold-digger, and Myisha, I know you’ve been gone just about the same number of days we spent getting to know each other, but I know if you thought really, really hard you would know I’m no gold-digger. Like…” My eyes danced as I conjured the words. “I came into this situation consenting to it all. And yes, I was in way over my head and expressed to you back then I had regrets in doing it.”

“Who’s to say since I’ve been gone, you haven’t thought about renegotiating the terms?”

I shook my head. “My agreement is not with Ragee; it’s with Mike Brown. Raj’s name is nowhere on the paperwork. If this thing were to go public, he wouldn’t be implicated. It would be my word against Mike’s.”

“Yeah. Exactly. So now you want more out of the deal. More money!”

She wasn’t using her damn noodle. “Myisha, Raj isn’t paying me anything. I bargained a deal with Mike.”

She finally turned to face me, cocking her head to the side as though I was the slow party. “Now you want more from my cousin. What Mike does ain’t enough.”

My blood boiled and I switched hips to rest on. “I’mma be honest with you: I don’t need Raj. I never asked him for anything. Yeah, he helped me lose weight. Yeah, he agreed to help me with my music career, but I never asked for either, neither are they monetary. We just had a connect—”

Her whole body swung around. “What the hell— Why do you keep talking about this connection? What chemistry? Where the hell did you ‘connect.’”

My head swung back and chin dipped. “Well…” I blew out a breath, “…for starters: with your grandmother, who apparently ran a house more suitable for strangers than her own kin. She comes here, oblivious to the debauchery taking place underneath her roof all those years ago at the expense and exploitation of innocent kids, and carrying on with her ‘ministry’”—I used air quotations—“she practiced in his safe place. Raj needed a shield from the demons that lurked with her when she came around. I had to be that in your absence. I had to sit through hours of her sermons, hours of her praise and worship. And when I learned what happened under her nose all those years ago, I had to bite my tongue and not address it. Not ask her why was her nose so in between the pages of her Bible that had her turn a deaf ear and blind eyes to what was going on around her. The rampant sexual abuse going down in her house.”

“I don’t know what Ragee’s told you, but you don’t know shit about what went on in my grandmother’s house.”

I shot my palms in the air. “You know what…” I shook my head, “I’m not trying to come down here and start a war, dig up old dirt, or peel back any scabs. I just want to make sure you and me are good.”

“Why?” she demanded.

“Maybe because I’m not a bad person. Maybe because I actually like you. I like your cousin!” My arms leaped in the air. “Is that the worst thing in the world? You two aren’t the only people you can trust.”

“Yeah,” she breathed and turned to put out the growing ashes of her stogie. “I can’t tell.”

“Really? So, out of all these months you’ve been away, gadding about the globe with your Ukrainian lover, you’ve not seen you can trust other people and let them in? You sure as hell have been away long enough to discover that level of intimacy!”

Myisha’s unbothered gaze went back out to the gallery. It was unbelievable! How can a vibrant, healthy woman like her just experience a deeper connection with a man, and not understa—

Oh. Shit.

That’s when it hit me. 

I backed up until my ass hit the bed post. Coincidentally, Myisha’s narrow gaze roved back over to me.

“You’re still a virgin,” I breathed, unmoving. “You didn’t do it. You never had sex with him. It didn’t work out.”

“Yeah,” she began, tone drily. “Well, that narrative hasn’t changed.” She referred to our nasty exchange back at the restaurant. “You know how I’m sure you and Raj ain’t make this “magical” connection? Some of us ain’t built for that. We just ain’t got it in us.” Her narrowed eyes were red and possessed-like, reminding me of palpable pain I’d seen recently.

With her cousin.

Oh. My. God!

Bile shot up my esophagus and I audibly gagged, quickly swallowing back the liquid. Myisha’s head then body swung to face me.

“What?” she asked.

With a heaving chest, I straightened. “You were assaulted, too.”

Immediately, first one then two streams of tears raced down her face. Her lips trembled when she raised her arm and pointed her index finger. “Please. Get out,” she could hardly speak.

I obeyed, quickly walking backwards until I could sync my feet with my brain and turn ahead for the door. My body trembled halfway to the master suite, mind haunted with images of a gang of demons violating innocent kids. I was here again. Back here. Once again surrounded by broken, troubled, and damaged people unable to shake their darkness. It’s the life I’d left last year when I quit my job. It was why I opted for this stupid ass masquerade in the first place. Yeah. It was time to go. Next week couldn’t get here fast enough to put much needed distance between me and the McKinnons.

The next few days passed by similar to the ones just after Myisha left the country and when Raj and I returned from Saint Justin. A cloud of stagnant emptiness rested over the estate. At least for me they were. For Raj, they were glorious and filled with hot sex, a few dinner dates, and long talks by the fireplace in the living room. Me, on the other hand, when I wasn’t working out or visiting Van, I jogged back to the ranch and spent copious amounts of time with Arnie. He was my love in no time. Apparently, I was his, too, to his little brother’s frustration. Several times, Raj drove back to get me after dark for dinner.

Just like tonight. As we drove Raj’s shiny blue pickup through the wooded path toward the house, Raj’s wrinkled forehead seemed to be set in stone.

“What’s your problem?” I asked. “I honestly lost track of time from searching websites for a cute horse tack.”

With a slight turn of his head, he glared at me, though his mouth hinted at a smirk. “He has a crush on you.”

I slapped my thighs. “And so do my nephews, but that doesn’t stop me from being an aunt!”

“What nephews?”

My face fell. “Van’s boys.”

“You mean your cousins.”

“No. My nephews—” I rolled my eyes catching on. “Whatever. You catch my drift.”

We pulled into the circular driveway, veering around the front entrance to the garages on the side of the house.

“But I don’t want my big brother crushing on my wife.”

I gasped with wide eyes. “I’m not your real wife!”

He snickered. “You are legally.”

Raj cut the engine and opened the door to leave the truck.

“But not… You know! Not permanently.”

“But physically,” he continued to argue.

That sent a feather stroke to my groin as I slammed the door after stepping down from the passenger side.

I followed him inside the garage.

“You’re full of shit, McKinnon.” I rolled my eyes.

Damn me for finding that cute.

As we entered the house, Raj grabbed me from the back, pushing his warm and soft lips into my neck as he walked around my feet. His weight deliciously heavy and familiar so quickly. I couldn’t believe it was time for me to leave for the L.I.T. Music camp already. When it was proposed, I was fine, unattached and unrooted to anything preventing me from going.

Now…

“Did you shave?” he whispered in my ear as we wobbled down the dim hall toward the kitchen.

He bit into my sensitive flesh and a moan escaped.

“Did you?” he demanded, his arms around my waist tightened.

“Why?” I could hardly utter.

“Because you’re more sensitive when I lick your bare skin. You’re louder…” he growled. “Wilder.”

I could feel my nipples hardening, pushing taut into my bra. I remembered that day vividly. It was in his office as I sat on top of his desk with him in the chair between my legs. Raj used his nose on my clit and his tongue in my quivering sex. He was no novice that day, sucking on my labia before traveling inside…and under where he rimmed me as I screamed until my legs stopped trembling and my vocal chords were bruised for two days.

I broke free from his hold, twisted in his hard arms to climb his body. Raj stumbled before catching his balance to hold us both. He tried to speak, but my tongue had reached his instrumental chords by that time. I loved kissing Ragee. I enjoyed exploring intimacy with him, period. He was fun, bold, and now less afraid to trust me. I’d learned just how much of a covert freak Ragee was. He had a proclivity to clandestine sex. He’d take me fast and hard around any corner away from someone. A time or three, I’d had his palm shoved to my face and covering my mouth as he pounded me into orgasmic delirium. He wasn’t the only one struggling with infatuation here. Like now, while mounted onto him, I was past the point of being turned on. I wanted him right then…wherever we’d make it to before I was thrust into a feverish lecherous zone.

He tried to speak, but I didn’t let him withdraw from me. Raj even tried to use his big hands to extract his face from me. Wrong move. His hands alone on my needy body did things to me. Just when I thought to pull away for a half a second to tell him it was going down, an explosion happened behind me.

Lights illuminated and a blare of shouts had my fucking heart leaping up my damn throat.

“Surprise!”

Instead of jumping from Raj’s trunk and running the hell away, I clung tighter to him, holding on for dear life. Instead of him taking off for the both of us, he… Laughed. With my tightened face and squeezed eyes against his neck, I could feel his laughter vibrating through my chest—louder than my galloping heart.

“The fuck, McKinnon?” I barked into his neck, afraid to look.

“Baby,” he tried over his hoots. His hand on the crown of my head, trying to pry it away while laughter exploded behind me. “You need to look up. Stop.”

His jovial tone had me relax as much as possible, considering I was almost startled to fucking death. My head pulled back and I turned slightly. Raj circled so the kitchen came into full vision, and oh my fucking world! It was a heart-swelling sight to see. A beautiful display of food all around the countless countertops, a champagne display for a small number of takers and… Earl smiling warmly next to my best friends, Mya and Ivie. To say I was surprised beyond measure wouldn’t fully capture my sentiment.

I whipped my neck back to Ragee, who smiled happily—a rare expression I’d been getting used to over the past month and a half from him.

“Oh, my god!” I trilled.

His head tossed back and eyes shrank as he chuckled, likely still at my cowardly act when I thought I was going to die a few moments ago.

“How did you…” I couldn’t speak to finish.

As he continued with his chuckle, Raj advised, “You gotta get down, baby. Your friends gone think we’re attached at the hip.”

I glanced down to what revealed his point then slowly released my legs, one at a time. When I turned to face my girls, Mya was the first to embrace me as she jogged over with her jet black, bone straight long hair swishing behind her shoulders. I’d forgotten how gorgeous she was. Suddenly remembered how hard we’d worked on her self-esteem in high school when the girls who were jealous of her mixed heritage of Polynesian and black regularly bullied her. Her mom, who was second generation Polynesian, had such a mild and submissive personality and couldn’t teach her daughter what she didn’t have. So Ivie and I rose to the occasion.

Mya rocked me back and forth in her little hold. She was nearly a foot shorter than me, but her strength tonight challenged that. My heart crumbled in guilt. While Mya was the more dramatic and sensitive one out of the three, she didn’t bite her tongue, and I knew it was because of how I put them on the back burner with this insane venture.

“Move the hell out of the way, Mya!” Ivie, my more assertive and know-it-all bestie pushed little Mya aside.

I caught Mya drying her eyes before Ivie, spinning me like a rag doll, changed my periphery. She ripped my coat from my frame faster than Raj had ever with my clothes.

“The hell you been doing up here?” Ivie demanded with eyes wide as saucers and a mouth that couldn’t close if she willed it to. “I haven’t seen this Wynter in—”

“In almost four years, right?” Mya interjected. “Before the accident!” She, too, was taken by my weight loss.

I glanced down at my long sleeve black cotton shirt, blue jeans, and black combat boots. Arnie taught me how to dress for stable work.

When Ivie’s hand went for the tear drop diamond on the delicate white gold necklace Raj had gifted me for my birthday, Mya’s little hands went for my hair, examining that, too.

“Damn, this weave is supreme,” Mya declared.

I balled my mouth, though I couldn’t hide the smile elsewhere in my face. “Like you have experience with them.”

Her hair was long and voluminous.

“Bitch, this neckpiece—because you don’t fucking call it anything else—is to die for! I’ve been eyeing it for two years now at Tiffany.” She gasped.

Now embarrassed, I back up and pull Raj to me by his hand. “Have you guys met Raj?”

Ivie’s prying eyes swept from me, up to Raj and beamed. “Not really. But then again, who doesn’t know Ragee?”

I gently pulled him in front of me by the waist to try to relieve the overwhelming pressure and guilt of not having been in touch with my closest friends.

“Mr. McKinnon, this is one of my bestest friends, Ivie Stackhouse. She’s the diva of the trio.” I giggled as Raj offered his palm. “Ivie, this is Raj.”

I wanted to say my Raj, and as much as it felt true, it felt deceptive. These were my friends who would learn the truth at the end of this three year term contract.

I didn’t like the way my friend gawked at Raj. I knew that look in her eyes. I’d seen it since we barely had boobs. She found him not only attractive, but fuckable. Oh, how badly I didn’t want her to know just how much he, in fact, was.

“Heeeeeey, Rageeeeeeee,” she sang, batting those long curly lashes that looked great on her. But what didn’t on Ivie?

Raj took her hand, kissing the back of it. “Heeeeeey, Ivie,” he returned, mocking her with more charm than I preferred.

The girls squawked their excitement over it. I rolled my eyes.

Moving along, I cleared my throat and tugged him at the waist toward Mya’s petite stature. Already, before the introduction, Mya was fan-girling.

“Holy shit!” she swore on a nervous giggle. “I have all your music…seen all your movies. I’ve been telling Wynter how incredible you are for years, but she blew me off! It’s such a pleasure. Holy shit!”

Raj turned to me, tossing his head over his shoulder. “Guess who’s blowing me now?” he whispered, only intended it to be for me. Bad attempt. The girls giggled their heads off. I rolled my eyes again. Raj offered a regretful expression. He then turned to Mya. “Thanks so much for riding with me, sweetheart. I appreciate you.” He kissed the back of her hand, too.

“Yeah,” Mya squealed. “I bet she’s riding the hell out of you now!”

Both my friends fell into laughter again, bending over helplessly with it, too.

“Okay!” I shouted. “Hey, now!”

“C’mon, Wynter. He married you. I’m sure he auditioned you first,” Mya’s words were for me, but her appreciative gaze was on Raj.

“Yup. And found out right away how freaky fucking nasty your ass is!” Ivie blurted.

A disruptive howl spewed from Earl’s big frame across the room. My eyes closed in mortification. Raj was so sensitive when it came to sex. I didn’t want his trust in me regressing.

Then I was pulled into him, my back against his abdomen. A soft kiss was place behind my ear.

“Thank God for her grandparents’ liberal teachings in that department,” he shared with the girls.

Suddenly, the embarrassment ebbed away, reminding me we had something real between us. I’d forgotten I’d shared that with him. It was true. I wasn’t inhibited when it came to sex. Even sitting through informal Bible studies with Pastor McKinnon, I’d learned God didn’t intend for married people to be.

Even though my case is likely not what God had in mind for marriage…

“Well, now that the introductions are done…” I rolled my eyes. Again! “How did this happen? How’d you get here?”

Mya’s arm swept toward me, but eyes were on Raj, above me.

“Your hubby.” She beamed.

“He had us picked up in this dope ass limo. Oh, my god, Wynter! I felt fancy as hell!”

I glanced up behind me to Raj.

“Jashon,” he answered in one word. Then Raj straightened, out of nowhere, behind me. “Hey, My!” he greeted with a projected voice.

My attention went to following his line of vision. Myisha had indeed stepped into the vast kitchen and appeared surprised by the countertops lined with foods.

“Hey, Myisha,” I tried. “Guys, this is Myisha, Raj’s close cousin and executive assistant,” I attempted an introduction. Things had been so sour between us, and while I didn’t like it, I didn’t push Myisha. Her reaction over Raj and me being lovers was completely juvenile and had, in my ever working mind, tied into her being a thirty-five-year-old woman with a lack of sexual or a legitimate intimate relationship with a man. I didn’t want to entertain the child in her. But damn, I missed her bubbly personality. “You want to join us? I’d love for you to meet my friends.”

“Oh, I know her!” Mya shrilled. “I follow you on IG!”

Myisha offered a brisk flash of a smile before her attention went over my head to her cousin.

“A word with you?” she requested initially. “Now.” She stalked coldly out of the kitchen.

After a long pause while Ragee’s frame went rigid over me, he recovered.

“Alright, ladies.” He kissed my ear. “I’m being summoned by another demanding woman in my life. Y’all sit, eat, drink, and chill. I’m gonna leave you to it.” He smirked sexily, surfacing Ragee, the performer.

Then he, too, was gone.

The girls and I found each other’s eyes right away. Within seconds, we all broke into laughter.

“And on that note,” Earl announced. “I’m out of here. I can only imagine what’s coming next.”

That didn’t help our silliness. As he made his exit, I waved them over to the table, dying to catch up.

Well… Kind of.

Myisha walked quietly into my office behind me.

I couldn’t even make it to my desk before I turned around with stretched eyes. “Yo, what’s good with you?”

“You arranging reunions and shit like this”—she pointed to my wedding band I’d started wearing when my grandmother began her stay here—“is real.”

“What I do ain’t your concern, MyMy,” I scoffed, confused. “I thought you liked Wynter. Why you been trippin’ since you’ve been back?”

This wasn’t like her. I’d been wanting to address it, but Wynter begged me not to, saying things would work themselves out between them two. Myisha had been walking around here with something on her chest. But now she had the nerve to confront me about it? Why did people like her and Mike, who have known me long enough to know how privately and unapologetically I moved in my personal world, think now was a good time to feel they could speak on it?

“Because she’s an outsider and one you told our family business to.”

I shook my head as I snorted. “Look, I ain’t going over that again. If I didn’t trust her, I wouldn’t breathe a word—”

“Trust. That’s what I’m concerned about. You like to trust people every once in a while, and they seem to try to come between us. I’m not letting that happen no more.”

My face wrinkled. “What are you talking about, man?”

“You’re going to drop her after tonight. I already have the setup in play for the morning.” My face wrinkled even more. “When she leaves, so does this whack ass fuck-fest you two got going on!”

I hoped she didn’t see my face drop. Wynter tried to tell me two nights ago when I had her spread across the dining room table in the dark, she saw somebody walk past.

Shaking that from my head, I waved my hand in the air. “I ‘on’t know what happened between you and Vanda on tour, but little cousin, I don’t wanna have to hurt your feelings by shutting you down about my personal life. I had to do that with Mike last week and it wasn’t so pretty. So, for the first and last time, what goes on in my personal life—”

“Mike Brown.” She moved for the office door. “So glad you brought him up first. He called me last night and you won’t be happy with what the fuck he spilled in terms of family secrets!”

She slammed the door before rocking my soul.

Distant love ain’t that bad a call.

Think about the passion that builds…

The puddles you create and the sensitivity of your walls.

The way your heart will pound, race…leap…

Fucking that first time so hard your passion drives you to sleep.

Awakening the next morning to a slower pace…

His warm breath and patient touches with the love he makes.

I exhaled hard, awakening. The piece I’d been working on had echoed in my mind. My body ached, but heart was full as I turned from one side to the other. His side. He wasn’t there. My eyes blossomed, fully open and I glanced around the suite. There was no movement, but I saw my citrusy potion awaiting me. Panicking, I snatched my phone from the nightstand, praying I hadn’t overslept. It was just after six.

Thank the god of time….

Then I thought how crazy and unnecessary my panic was. Raj would never let me oversleep. That led my thoughts to last night. After hours of laughter and catching up with Ivie and Mya—as much as I could catch them up with my conundrum of a life—we hugged our goodbyes. Well, Mya cried hers through her drunken delirium. It was hilarious. We were a sight at the door. Raj didn’t say so when he saw their limo pull off, but I could only imagine what he thought.

We climbed the stairs hand in hand, in silence. I trailed behind his bowed legs. Raj didn’t talk much initially, but he damn sure made sweet love to me twice last night; the first time on the couch in the sitting room. Then he awakened me to put me in bed where we made love again. Made love. Raj and I had begun making love.

I sighed, sitting up and stretching my arms. Raj was going to fly with me to Arizona to “drop me off.” That concept still tickled me. It had since he’d proposed it last week over dinner. I climbed off the bed, feeling an ache in the junction of my hips and pelvis, and my thighs throbbed along with my core. That Apa guaranteed my orgasms, but Raj’s greed for my body did the same for my soreness. I couldn’t believe how many times I came last night. That was a first. After showering, I ambled into the closet for clothes. That’s when I saw my luggage was gone. Raj must have taken it when he left out while I was asleep. I wondered did he try to sneak in a work out, though I didn’t know how he could make it through one after last night and this morning. The good news was I only needed to finish packing my duffle with my toiletries and cosmetics. That I could manage alone.

Pathetically, I glanced around the room and sighed mournfully at leaving behind the suite that was both my doom and wonderful discovery. Laughing at myself, I closed the doors behind me and started for the stairs. It was almost a quarter to seven now and the jet was due to take flight at seven-fifteen, according to Raj. No way he could be working out. There was hardly no time to shower unless he was going to do it midair.

My steps halted at the feminine figure strutting up the stairs. At first, I thought it was Myisha, finally showing an ounce of maturity and coming to say goodbye. But she never walked around the estate with a…bonnet. As I grew closer to the opening of the staircase, recognition became unimaginably clear. When she landed on the last step, my eyes widened. She wore a long silk gown revealing her curves and that black silk bonnet.

“Hi,” she smiled warmly. “You must be Wynter.”

I’d seen her on Myisha’s IG recently, which was how I recognized her, but minus the sleep gear.

My neck twisted, but my eyes remained on her. Had she slept over? How?

“Yes,” I managed.

“Oh, nice. I’m Heather, Raj’s best—”

“Friend,” I purposely dismissed the qualification of the relationship she shared with my husband, especially because she was in his home with not much underneath that robe.

“Yes!” she beamed with big eyes and a bright smile. “Well, I know you’re taking off this morning. I’m going back to bed. Long day ahead. Safe travels.”

Her beam remained as she switched down the hall with a jiggle in her ass.

Dazed, I continued down the stairs, a million and one questions bouncing in my head. Wasn’t Heather married with kids? Who has time for sleepovers with that load? And who was she sleeping over with when I was deep throating her so called “bestie” late last night?

I didn’t have to travel far. Raj was waiting in the foyer, off toward the kitchen. Adding bemusement to shock, he was dressed in his house pants and a sweater rolled up at the lower arm with his hands pushed into the pockets. His feet were tucked into his UGG slide in slippers. With amusement in my eyes, I frowned. He lectured me all week about how fast paced our actions would have to be this morning. And here, he wasn’t even dressed.

When Raj didn’t speak, my heart leaped in my chest. Seconds more, my chest fell, too. His eyes fell and I knew. Something was wrong. A pang coursed my agitated chest.

Slowly, his eyes rose to meet mine again. I could see them welling, but nothing fell. A sour film coated my mouth and a slight tremor began to take over my body.

Why?

Why was I so alarmed? Where was this anxiousness coming from? It wasn’t my style.

His Adam’s apple bobbed underneath his beard. “Change of plans,” his voice was too low, too calm. My brows rose in question. “I have work I can’t delay.” He cleared his throat after tossing his thumb toward the hall that led to the studio suite. “The jet’s juiced up and ready. Leech took your luggage out there already.”

A wave of dizziness washed over me. This moment felt surreal. I was out of body, experiencing every second of this exchange.

“Ca—” I swallowed, my eyes closing to gain myself. “Come again?”

Raj swiped the back of his head, his nostrils widening as though he was fighting for control. It was clear to me, he was pained. Was it that hard telling me to go fuck off?

“Mmmm…” a quiet groan left my belly and I was able to catch the emotion it carried with it.

Raj’s eyes narrowed. “I’mma…” They closed quickly before he tried again. “Ummmm…” He licked his lips. “I’mma hit you soon to make sure you’re good.”

My head angled and eyes narrowed. Did he just say he’d reach out sometime in the distance future to check up on me?

Something was fucking off. I’d been here before: abruptly dismissed, taken for granted. When this should have been an easy exit, it hurt just as fucking bad as all the others. My core still ached from his unrelenting passion just hours ago. Tenderness from the Apa between his thighs still rang out in my groin; where was this coming from?

“We’re not—?” I swallowed involuntarily. My damn face squeezed in agony. “This is it?” I shook my head, trying to center myself. Reclaim my body to get ahead of this nightmare. “What’s going on, Raj?”

His words were soft, eyes heavy. “Work.” He shook his head to convince me. “I had a builder call first thing this morning. Some code violation bullshit I gotta figure out ASAP.”

“Bullshit.” I gritted, lips pursed.

“Wyn…” his voice broke and eyes fell.

This was it. He’d switched moods on me unexpectedly again. Too bad for him, his timing was off. I finally had the opportunity to pursue my dreams and the prospect of it terrified me. But I was here. The door was open for me to leave the life of playing counselor, putting people’s needs before my own, and doing something to define and satisfy me. I would create a new identity. Like Pastor McKinnon said, I would find my purpose here on earth. For once. And if I wasn’t going to get in my way, I wouldn’t allow Ragee to.

This moment provided clarity. Beyond all the lovemaking, sharing we’d done, Ragee McKinnon was still a broken man. I’d resigned from trying to help sort and heal them last September. Back then, I recognized being burned out and decided to leave that line of work. For good. Raj may have been an unexpected discovery of passion, but him backing out at a time as tender as this was a glaring reminder of me looking back instead of moving forward. Him switching faces this quickly, easily would be my undoing in no time.

But I deeply cared for him. Had fallen into a trusting and vulnerable place with him. I thought he’d trusted me, too. But I learned a long time ago you can’t love a man with a fractured heart. It had to be whole, functioning, and willing.

My chest was heaving as I stared at him in disbelief. I had no words. I probably wouldn’t speak them if I did. Again, I’d been here before with Sheldon. Once at the mark of a big event in my life and I encountered betrayal.

Raj tossed his head toward the set of French patio doors that led out to the back. “Leech’s out there waiting on you.” His eyes were somewhere in the region of my shoes.

The fucker couldn’t even look at me. A ball of some…shit shot from my belly to my throat. Again, I caught it with a deep swallow before I stepped off. With my chin in the air, I brushed past him, experiencing his masculine scent and cold radiation for the last time. I’d gotten over it before, and I’d do it again.

I didn’t slow my pace until I was outside and on the last step of the massive terrace. Leech was indeed there, waiting with the motor of the golf cart going. With dignity, I slid inside.

“Hey, Leech!” I didn’t know how I managed.

“Whaddup, Wynter,” he replied in his usual tenor as he glanced behind us before cutting the wheel. “You ready to go fuck up L.I.T. Music?”

“They are not ready,” I declared with a smile in my cheeks.

That gesture of encouragement got me through the silent ride all the way to the waiting jet that had been running. Leech unnecessarily walked me to the steps where an Asian man waited for me at the top.

“Go kill it, ma,” Leech bade.

I nodded and turned back for the plane.

The steward waved me on, greeting me by name. He helped me out of my coat and walked me to a seat. Ironically, it was the one Raj sat in when I’d flown with him.

“Mr. McKinnon has placed the order for your breakfast. It’ll be out once the captain declares we’re free to move about the cabin. Can I get a mimosa started for you until then?” His hands were clasped, wedged between his legs as he bent to speak.

“That’d be nice. Thanks.”

“Sure!” he stressed. “Oh!” He held an index in the air, taking off just beyond me. “Here.” He handed me an envelope when he returned hardly seconds later. “For you.”

The captain greeted me over the loud speaker. He called for everyone to take their seats for takeoff. I buckled up, eyeing the envelope, metallic gold stationary. Suspicion overwhelmed me and as the plane began its run before ascension, I ripped it open. With impatience, I yanked the paper inside out and unraveled it. I’d never seen his handwriting before, but knew it was his.

You’ve changed me. No matter what my under-developed heart can’t reveal or what my inexperienced mouth will not speak, I’ll never be the same. God has revealed Himself to me anew. Through you.

And without warning or delay, a sadness descended on me with a quickness I wasn’t prepared for. An emotion too quick for my stubborn façade had shot from my belly and a cry hurled from my mouth. I covered it with the slap of my palm, my eyes wild and panicked. Then another yelp shot from behind my hand. Before I knew it, a gang of them came uncontrolled, overtaking me. Soon, I had to remove my hand to breathe. I was subdued with a type of sadness I hadn’t felt since saying goodbye to my grandfather, releasing him to my grandmother. This shit hurt. My face was soaked and breathing uncontrolled. I could see the flight attendant at my side, likely speaking, but my fucking heart throbbed, lungs squeezed, and eyes blurred from determined tears.

I was done.

I don’t know how long I stood at the set of patio doors leading to the terrace out back after the jet took off. But I told myself it was over. The damage had been done and there was no turning back now. The way she glided out of here, carrying her purse on one arm and duffle bag on the other shoulder was classic ironclad Wynter. She didn’t show her pain. She shouldered through my corny way of breaking things off. I thought I’d have a better way to do it this morning, but I realized after spending the night between her legs, her chest against mine, imploring my heart, there was no easy way to say goodbye to your first true love.

Yup. My sucker ass done fell for the first time this late in my life. As I turned for the hall, the wetness of my eyes finally fell to my face.

“Aye,” a voice stopped me in my tracks.

I cleared my eyes and saw the last person I needed in my face right now.

“What?”

Myisha couldn’t speak at first.

“WHAT?” I barked.

“It’s Mike Brown. He was shot a few hours ago.” She shook her head, expression ghosted. “They’re saying it doesn’t look good, Raj.”

My eyes fell closed and I shook my head before taking off to my office.

 

###

 

To be continued in…

 

 

#PenningWithoutParameters

??#ImGonnaMakeYouLoveMe??