~19~

Rustling roused me from my sleep. My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I realized was I was shrouded in darkness. I glanced over to the nightstand and saw it was after nine at night.

Shit…

I’d slept from ten in the morning to nine at night and still felt drained. And I was hot. Sooooo damn hot and drenched underneath the comforter. My body felt heavier than it did earlier, and my head vibrated with pain. All I could do was lay motionless and hope to fall back into the dark pit of sleep.

“Yeah.” I keened my ear to the rustling voice again. “A fever reducer. I done sweated through my clothes.” I recognized Raj’s voice through the swelling of his chords. “Motrin’ll work.”

I used all of my might to swing my right arm over the colossal bed and reach for him. I didn’t feel him at first, so I tried harder, though my body was weak. Once I felt him, I patted his arms then raised two fingers, unable to turn and look at him. Raj quieted for a few seconds.

Then I heard him again. “Two doses—bring the whole bottle,” he murmured thick and warily. “Yeah. Wynter needs it. She been here sleep all day, too.”

Too tired to do more, I drug my weighted arm back over and fell out.

I was awakened by sounds again. After a few minutes of being dazed, I discovered it was Earl and Pastor McKinnon in the room.

“Here you go,” Earl soothed, handing me two pills. I struggled to sit up, but managed. “And this,” he ordered, holding a glass of orange juice.

Damn, the pills were hard to get down.

“Oh,” Earl droned mockingly. “the lovers went away together and caught a bug. Get it? Love bug?”

No one laughed. I, particularly, didn’t find it comical. I was sick for chrissake. I hated being sick! Van said I behaved like a baby.

“Okay. I got some soup downstairs,” Pastor McKinnon announced from a distance. “It ain’t exactly ready, but it’s got healing power. I can bring up some for you to take.”

“You hear that?” Earl touched my arm. “Would you like some?”

I grunted my no, afraid to even speak, my throat was on fire. Apparently, Raj managed a no on the other side of the bed.

“Well,” Earl exhaled in full on flare. “I guess that’s two no’s. Maybe we should…”

I had no idea what was said after that. I went back out.

Voices woke me from my sleep.

Preaching?

“Here,” I heard right next to me. It was Earl. “Put this under your tongue, so we can see what we’re up against.”

It was a thermometer. As I slid my hand from underneath my pillow to grab it, I recognized the source of the other voice that woke me up. It was my grandmother praying. Widening the one eyelid I had open, I peeped her broad arms stretched in the air and her eyes squeezed closed as she petitioned Jehovah-Rapha.

“We bless you, oh God, for healthy bodies in spite of the attack on them. We thank you, oh Lord, for what you’re getting ready to do. We declare complete healing, God! For in your Word, it is declared that by the stripes Your only Son bore on the cross, God, we are healed.” She clapped hard and fast. “Aye! Hallelujah!”

The thermometer was pulled from my mouth. My eyes snatched up, both open now to Earl. “Okay. Yours is higher than your bride’s, but you both still are running fevers.” He moved to the cart behind him. “Here’s your six a.m. dose.”

Six? Ah, man…

I forgot these two were early birds.

“Gee-Gee, y’all need anything?” my grandmother asked. “I’ll be back up in a while with that soup. Now I know why the Spirit of the Lord prompted me to make it. See how God works and why we gotta be obedient?” Her hands clapped in excitement again and she fell back into prayer mode.

As I swallowed back the pills, I listened to my grandmother speak in tongues, feeling comforted by her cadence. She was over at Wynter’s side of the bed, touching her feet as she prayed. Earl had seen my grandmother in action—heck, had walked in on me praying in the Spirit a few times, too, over the years. He was used to this. Wynter, on the other hand, was probably too out of it to react. Then again, I had to stop worrying about her judging, especially my grandmother. Wynter never really tripped on much unless you stepped on her toes. She was flexible and easy on lots of stuff.  

That’s why I’d been falling in love with her.

My eyes strained open, prepared for the heavy pounding. I was surprised to not feel it as much as I had the morning before. My mouth was pasty and bladder was throbbing, so I forced myself to sit up. I pushed out of bed and made it to the bathroom, shivering all the way there. I was able to handle my business and wash my hands without feeling like I would pass out.  

As I walked out of the bathroom, my grandmother opened the door for Earl, who wheeled in the cart again. It was topped with food I could see, but not smell. Trembling with the chills, I slid right back into bed, but sat up against the headboard.

“C’mon, babies. Let’s get some of this good stuff in ya,” Grandmother commanded cheerily. She came to my side of the bed while Earl went to Wynter’s. I didn’t like the idea of another man being so close to her while she was sick. It didn’t matter Earl wasn’t the least bit interested in her species: she wore only a slip. “It’s anointed and will help heal you. Restore you back to your healthy selves.” Grandmother was at my side, trying to feed me.

I took the bowl from her and fed myself. It was hard to eat with the bitter film in my mouth and when I couldn’t taste anything. I tried hard to listen for any words from Wynter, who seemed to be feeding herself, too. But I didn’t hear a peep, only Earl whispering to her. That vexed me a little. It had been four days since we’d been back from Saint Justin, and we still hadn’t spoken. As crazy as it sounds, I would have rather been sick with Wynter than alone. At least this way, she was with me day and night, and I had an idea of her mood. It was obvious we had the same bug. The only source I could think of was the crying baby on the beach. Maybe he’d zapped us with that snot/vomit combo.

After a few spoonfuls and painful chewing and swallowing, I was done. I handed the bowl over to my grandmother.

“Oh, no, baby,” she cried as she stood to take the bowl over to the cart. “You ain’t finished it up.”

I picked up the pills she’d laid out for when I was done eating, chugged juice back with them, and sank back under the cover. I was out before she could ask if I needed anything else.

“Come again?” I turned the knob on the mixing board to kill the music as I listened into my phone.

“Where the fuck she at?”

“Probably in bed.” My face went hard.

“Tell that broad to call me ASAP! I ain’t heard from her in over a fuckin’ week. This bitch think I’mma joke?”

“You think she ya employee or your daughter?”

“What?”

“Why the hell you talk to her like she owe you something?”

“Raj, man!” he sighed a warning. “This between me and that girl. She around ‘cause of me. Don’t fuckin’ get shit twisted ‘cause she in ya crib and you prolly done fucked her.”

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

“If this between you and her then why you calling me?”

“Because the bitch won’t answer her phone. Jashon told me last week, you took her with you to record with Lord. Apparently, you in touch with her real well, my nigga.”

I snorted, sitting up, and swiped my nose. “Now, that’s where you get shit twisted. If you’re insinuated how well I’m in touch with her then you know not to tap my phone, asking about her.”

It was a light one, but Mike knew I’d taken a shot. Drew a line in the sand. I basically admitted to sleeping with Wynter. At this point, I didn’t give a damn. He needed to show some respect, to her and me when it came to Wynter.

There was a slight pause.

“She got the picture with Jade Bailey. I done seen mad ones posted everywhere. She got one with Mel and Eli Richardson. What more you want from the girl? She paying her dues, as shady as they are.”

“Fuck that! I run this show. There was other shit she coulda done after that. If she woulda got a replacement phone when y’all touched down in L.A., she woulda known. Yo, I ‘on’t give a fuck if you fuckin’ the bitch or not. I’m a business man at the end of the day. What she need to know is how I conduct my business when people fuck up—”

My blood ran hot.

“You keep that Brooklyn bullshit right over there. Don’t you ever threaten her with shit you can’t carry out. You want somebody to flex with, you relegate that rah-rah shit with niggas like True Blue. Don’t you ever bring that shit around her. I swear on my fuckin’ life, B. We got through some shit in the past, but you won’t survive a war with me.”

“Man, Raj,” he sang, unaffected. “I know you a man with them ones, my nigga. I may be a lil rusty with mine. But, playboy, I pop them thangs that move faster than your best jabs. You can’t protect her from me, my nigga. Facts!”

I cocked my head to the side. “You threatening me, Mike?” I knew he was a hot head. Over the past few years he’d turned more reckless. But never had he gone this far.

“You threatening me, my nigga?” he shouted into the phone.

I found myself laughing. “Nah, B. I’m no good with threats. In fact, maybe we should severe this right now. You in the middle of a war I’m too old to be attached to anyway. We’ve done some secret ops over the years.” Things I would never breathe a word of. There were rules to the game. When I needed to work out the stress that haunted me, my outlet was running with Mike and dudes way darker than him. What I believed earned my respect from Mike was what he saw I was capable of doing. The church boy could put in more work than just singing. “I’m done. I’ll have Chesney put together a nice severance package.”

“Bitch, you must’ve done lost your fuckin’ mind over that pussy!” he barked. “Ragee, don’t forget I know ya dirt—did ya dirt for you! I’mma give you some time before you fuck up ya whole world—nah. Fuck that. I’mma ‘bout to show you better than I can tell you!”

The line went dead.

I pulled the phone from my ear, staring at it as though it would make Mike appear in front of me now, so I could handle things in a way cats like him understood.

“That motherfucker…” Gary, sitting next to me hissed with high brows. “He wildin’ the fuck out. Know that!”

I sat back in my chair, taking a calming breath. I had bigger fish to fry. These feelings for this chick came on too strong and too damn fast. It had been a week since we’d been back from Saint Justin and Wynter and I hadn’t exchanged many words. The fact that it bothered me, bothered me. I was losing control. I hadn’t been praying or beseeching, wasn’t focused. Then getting sick last week didn’t help.

I spent three days in bed sick. She did four. That fourth day, when I thought I’d just take a leak and wash my face and mouth, I had enough energy to shower. Once I was clean, I felt better. So much that I decided to hit the studio, my place of escape. But before I did, I found myself staring at her sleeping face. All the apologies and words of explanation raced in my mind because she was sleep. I’d never have the heart to utter them if she were awake.

Feeling uneasy about leaving her alone, I went looking for her phone and found it on the island in the closet. It was dead from being there for days unattended, so I brought it out to the nightstand next to her and plugged it into the charger she had there. If she needed something, she’d at least have her phone right there to call for help. But I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was beautiful. Perfect.

The minute I decided to step away, her phone lit up with alerts and notifications. I’d never been a snooping man. Never cared about a woman to have an intense interest in what her life was like when she wasn’t with me.

That was until Wynter Haile McKinnon. 

I opened my eyes, feeling drawn by a magnet. My vision was blurred, but I could feel that arresting heat emanating from somewhere nearby. I blinked a few times to clear the morning fuzz. What was at first an imposing silhouette turned out to be a bare-chested Raj, lying flat on his back, watching…me. I could immediately recognize that communicative laze in his eye. The thick hoods that almost closed them. My pulse raced and nipples tingled at that. The comforter started at his waist and because of that, I couldn’t confirm his temperament.

I wrinkled my nose, questioning what I’d hoped to be his mood. His desire. It had been close to two weeks since Saint Justin and our quickly blossoming friendship remained soured from the last morning of our romantic getaway. Since recovering from whatever bug that subjugated us, I resumed my workout regimen, went to see Van, and even checked on MaMa.

I tried falling back into my old routine, but that had been fucking hard after the incredible wonder I’d discovered in my fake husband. He’d been nothing short of amazing: mutual laughter, soft touches, bashful smirking, intimate sharing, and even ministering because no matter how many curse words Raj spewed, he couldn’t hide the church boy that secretly turned me on. Even looking at him now, I was reminded of his softer side. The one I’d been hoping hadn’t disappeared because of what I had—or may not have done that morning. I still didn’t know his triggers. I only vowed to tread cautiously if I ever got another chance at his trust.  

He licked his lips, fortifying himself before addressing me.

“Can I touch you?” his thick vocals droned.

This was it. This had been my fantasy for close to two weeks. Raj didn’t need permission to touch me, but I understood my need to request his in his bed. Here was where sex was off limits and only safety and protection reigned. This was different. A landmark in his development. But just as my pulse raced hot in anticipation of feeling his thickness against me, it ran with anxiety of something going awfully wrong. Irrevocably wrong. Nonetheless, I wanted it. My body was now humming feverishly with need of him.

I nodded my head, my bottom lip lodged between my teeth. My voice stolen from this unexpected turn of events.

Slowly, he pushed up on one arm and covered me with his rigid frame. His soft lips meeting mine with more hesitance than just weeks ago. His tongue making immediate and deliberate strokes in my mouth, swiping the roof. He’d thought about this, had planned it out at some point in the night or early in the wee hours of the morning. Either way, my chest expanded with a befogged sensation. One that was aside from my unbearable arousal. It was something that enhanced the usual fever I experienced when this close to him, this open to him.

His busy mouth moved down to my chin, giving it a soft nibble on the way down. My hands balled into tight fists at my hips, I wanted to touch him so badly, but knew it could ruin everything. But when his pliant lips dragged against the beating pulse of my neck, sending prickles of sensations straight to my core, a helpless moan escaped.

He steeled over me. I understood this abrupt withdrawal, oddly. I didn’t want to trigger any disgusting memories for him.

“I—I’m sorry,” I breathed, my throat painfully thick and eyes closed. “It just feels so good. You feel so good.”

He didn’t move, remained suspended over me. I could only feel the imprint of his morning erection against my thigh. All other body parts were painful inches away. My eyes squeezed in supplication of sorts. I didn’t want to blow this. I held my breath with the desperation in my churning belly.

“Please, Raj,” I cried. “I’ll be quiet.”

Slowly, he lowered himself back onto me, his open mouth pressed into the burning skin of my chest. I could feel his heart beating feverishly. Air seized in my lungs. Painfully, I tried to measure the speed I dispelled it. He lowered and his tongue rolled around each nipple before he puckered his lips to gently suck them. That, with the combination of his misted hands on my hips, had me swallowing successively. By the time he made it to my belly button, I could no longer control my breathing.

I took a glance down my heavy body and saw the small, twisted kinks of the crown of his head. My eyelids almost gave out on me. I bit my lips together, quickly contemplating my next question. My desire.

“Can I touch you?” I whispered. “Your head?”

Surprisingly, Ragee didn’t stir. He nodded while working his tongue down my pelvis. His hands clasped at my inner thighs before pushing against the backs of them, prompting me to open wide for him. His head dipped and the warm slivery feel of his tongue shot bolts of pleasure up my shaky spine. His tongue spread wide and flat over my entire cleft, licking me everywhere. His fingertips pushed into the softness of my flesh and my palms pressed into his skull, keeping him close. So close, I could feel him breathe against the cheeks of my butt. My chest heaved and breaths expelled in short pants. I was so turned on by his initiative alone. His clearly expressed desire for me. But his skills at turning me on were a separate issue. I went from a sleeping warm to an aroused scorched temperature in no time. He lapped and sucked and beat my slit, working his way to my pulsing bulb, and concentrated there relentlessly. And now, my body was ready to explode.

“Raj…” I panted, pelvis vibrating as I held it suspended in the air. “I’m about to—” I licked my lips, quickly deciding another route. “Can I come?”

Against the palms of my hands, I could feel him nod.

Oh god!

He’d been so brave with all of this so far. Who was this man? I didn’t have time to consider it. I had to let go of the storm brewing in my core. I dropped my bottom to the mattress then began pelting his face with my wetness. I couldn’t help the ragged movements, and before long, I exploded. Afraid of scaring him with my cries, I rerouted them from my belly into my nostrils instead. They emitted like husky drags of air as I vibrated against him. My head spun and body shook violently over the mattress. His head stayed busy as I tried using it as an anchor while I rocketed into bliss.

I couldn’t believe we were here. Raj was taking the lead. He’d turned a corner…with me. My mind raced in celebration as did my body. As I came down, I let go of his head, my trunk slamming into the mattress, lungs working harshly to keep me alive. As he stood on his knees between my shuddering legs, I had to clear my vision to see him. But when I did, I saw the determined pinch between his brows and sensual slant under his low lids.

I slowly lifted one arm, my shaky hand reaching for his pierced swollenness that glistened at the head. I was more than ready to return the pleasure. I enjoyed orally pleasing this man. It was easy labor. I licked my lips, my eyes bouncing between his throbbing extension and his eyes. I believed Ragee had to see his lover, had to always know they were on one accord. That this sexual venture was a mutual journey. But he didn’t speak, never responded to my unspoken question.

The moment I lifted, prepared to take him into my hands to taste him, Raj reached for my waist, pulling my thin gown over my head then motioned for me to turn over.

I schooled my expression, totally shocked by his continued navigation. Obeying him on shaky limbs, I shuffled around, planting myself on all fours. He gently pushed at the small of my back. He wanted me flat on my stomach. I lowered until I was prone on the mattress, feeling the wetness of my essence against my shin. Even that turned me on.

In seconds, he was on top of me. Half of the weight of his hard body pinning me down. He used his knee to spread my thighs wider. With little ado, he plunged into me. I could hear his grunt and feel the rigid slide in. My lids fell and lips parted at his entry. I couldn’t even moan my pleasure, my chest too far into the mattress, my core too full of Ragee. The tips of my fingernails scraped against the sheet. He moved in and out with grace at first. I could tell he was savoring the feeling of being buried inside me, the root of his pelvis touching the clammy surface of my mounds.

This act of intimacy was more than just about being eased into the physical pleasure he created. It was about being one with a man who locked everyone else out. A man who didn’t want to bind or join with a woman from his core. As his thick ridges rocked in and out of me, all I could think about was the special moment we were bottled in where he opened himself in the most unique way. Raj was a thick man with a big tool. There was a pinch of discomfort with the delicious pace he was ensuing; it eased up with each thrust, the Apa becoming a welcome guest. But I didn’t mind the slight ache. I wanted the breakthrough. I wanted inside of him, to prove to him I’m safe. The world is safe for him now.

“Kiss me!” he demanded on a ragged breath.

Hardly able to turn my neck, I reached around to capture his mouth. Our tongues danced, and I understood his demand. Him having my mouth let him know I was with him and not feeling used by him or using him maliciously for my deviant pleasure. Although he hadn’t admitted it yet, sex for Ragee had to be mutually desired and absolutely deliberate for both parties. I knew this from the men I’d encountered professionally over the years. Their case files were littered with diagnoses and proposed treatments that had to be met.

How I missed the signs from my own husba—

“Mmmmm…” an unbridled groan exploded from my belly.

As our tongues danced, I felt a stirring in my core different from when I erupted earlier. He moved in and out so smoothly at this point that I arched my spine to offer myself to him more. That did me no good. He felt too amazing, was way too deep for me to breathe. And I…loved it. That’s when I recognized my next storm building within.

I panicked. I didn’t want to be greedy with orgasms with Ragee. And I was too afraid to warn him, he’d been so generous this morning. I didn’t know what to do other than to give in to it after a few more plunges into me. I held my breath while heaven brushed over me, kissing me deeper than the first orgasm. And Raj didn’t stop. The vein that ran his forehead looked to pop. He kept pounding away, his flesh smacking into mine. It was bliss like no other as I gave in to it all.

When I was finally able to open my eyes, I recognized his scowl. My heart dropped from my chest. I’d betrayed him. My teeth froze in a clasp on his lip. I felt my face fold. Then his thrusts fell out of rhythm, and he felt bigger inside of me. His eyes rolled back and a growl rumbled from his parted mouth.

God…

My eyes squeezed closed in relief and heightened sensitivity in my walls. Raj was coming himself. His hard muscles rolled over me until they fell into a shuddering cadence. That sent me over the moon. His release felt like my fortune. I held him at the neck, enduring his weight while he created a sea in me. I maintained my arched spine until he spilled and all that could be heard was our labored breaths.  

Then I was rolled over on top of him where his big hand ran up and down my spine soothingly.

“You’re chilled.” I lay my head on his heaving chest and rubbed his goosebump-laden arms.

“You warm me.” He swallowed hard, out of breath. “Warm me all over, inside and out.” For a while, I only heard his laborious pants. “I—I’m… It’s like I’m addicted to your radiation.”

“Raj...”

“It’s all good,” he hushed me with that and a firm rub on my bare skin. “I’m figuring it all out.”

“It’s nothing to figure out. I’m here. Two and a half more years. No need to rush to figure out something that has a fate anyway.”

He swallowed hard. “So, what... What should I do?”

“Let me be your friend. Let me be here while you get over this hurdle. Don’t overthink the rest.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Who is Sheldon?”

I swallowed hard, sucking my bottom lip in between my teeth.

“How do you know that name?”

“Last week,” he flung his beard toward my nightstand, “...I grabbed your phone in case you woke up sick and I wasn’t here. You could call one of us. It was dead and I plugged it in, not realizing so many alerts would come up. His name was there the most. Mostly about your uncle, Van, but some got personal.” His eyes followed mine closely, intently. “He mentioned hoping y’all’ll get cool again. How he fucked up.” His forehead wrinkled and voice turned hoarse. “Fucked up what?”

I took a deep breath, trying to conceive the appropriate words to explain that debauchery.

“He’s Van’s best friend—was his best friend, but they’re still cool. Now.”

“C’mon, Wynter.” His hard chest vibrated underneath me. “You can’t think it’s cool for me to share all I have, only for you to clam up on me.”

I lifted my head and shook softly, peering into his light browns. “No, I can’t.” I knew that. “Sheldon is the guy who’s your girl-fuck up.” His face tightened more. “The one fuck up you get as a young girl, you learn so well from that you teach your little sisters to stay the hell away from.”

“He was your man?” I nodded. “Broke your heart?” Again, I nodded. “Let me guess: you told your sister and everybody you knew not to mess with him ‘cause he ain’t no good.” He mocked with humor dancing in his fiery auburn orbs.

Again, I nodded then lifted my brows. “And my little sister didn’t listen. He seduced her behind my back and gave her three babies,” I emitted softly, painfully. Raj’s expression collapsed. I bit my lips again, embarrassed to share this. “It was—is still my nightmare.”

“Wait. How old is he?”

“Too old for her. Sheldon was too old for me. He’s the one I told you about. I was fifteen when I got involved with him. He was twenty-seven.” I tried schooling my face, but it tightened in pain. My eyes fluttered at what I was about to share. “Reign...my sister is only twenty. She was sixteen when he got her pregn—” I choked on a cry I refused to let surface, and he pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me protectively.

“I’m so sorry to hear this, sweetheart,” he droned and I could feel his sympathy vibrate through his chest.

I sniffled. “I’m over it.”

“You’re not. He betrayed you.”

“She did, too. I practically mentored her. Held her close to me since I moved in the house with them. She was my shadow.”

“And this happened when you and Sheldon were together?”

I nodded against his chest. “I was tied up about a year after grad school, trying to get a certification. Late study nights, early morning group sessions in Starbucks. We were fighting a lot and I mentally shut him out so I could finish; I was so close.” A snort pushed from my nose. “I thought back then it had begun that last year of grad school. Now, as a logically thinking woman, I realize it had begun long before then. Sheldon didn’t like me finishing my Master’s. It was one thing for me to start and be in the gray of it. Then me going straight into getting certified was too much for him. He hated it. I’d advanced ahead of him way too much. He prefers young, inexperienced girls. Not ambitious and accomplished women.”

“He wanted to hurt you?”

“And she wanted to be me.”

“How did you find out?”

“She called me one day while I was driving down to Trenton for a group session. Studying. She told me.” I shivered.

“She just said it?”

I nodded. “She was crying so hard, she could barely get out the words. When she did, I couldn’t grasp it at first. Tried too hard.”

“What do you mean?”

“I forgot the task at hand.” I swallowed, my eyes narrowed from the pain of the memory. “I lost control of the car.”

I felt him tense beneath me. “Is that how you messed up your knee?”

“Foolishly.” My throat tightened. “Yeah.”

“My God…” he uttered softly, so tenderly I almost missed it. “I’m so sorry for your pain.”

“I’m over—”

“Bullshit!” he growled.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes in comfort. I didn’t want to think about them.

“One good thing about me doing this fake marriage thing was the escape,” I admitted out loud.

“From where? You lived by them? With them?”

I snorted a laugh, remembering this man had no idea of my life before him.

“Garfield’s small, but they’re close by in Passaic. It doesn’t matter; she goes over to our grandmother’s house, MaMa. She keeps the kids.”

“You lived with your grandmother?”

“No. When I moved out of Sheldon’s place four years ago, after finding out his irrevocable fuck up, I got my own place with Van’s help—and money. A garden apartment in Garfield. I lived there for a while until my aunt and her little girl needed a place to stay.” I shrugged. “I moved into the living room and gave them the only bedroom.” I took a deep breath. “But having to see them when seeing family hurts.”

“You still love him?”

I shook my head. “I can’t stand him. I’m not the type to hate people, but what I feel for him comes close. It seemed like the blinders were snatched from my eyes overnight. I’d been with him since my second year in high school, all the way up until I was about twenty-four.”

“Yeah, but your second year of high school was your last. You went to college the next year.” He remembered.

“Yeah. That’s when all hell broke loose in my life—that last year of high school. I lost my grandfather almost a year after my grandmother. I swear, he died of a broken heart. But I also think he loved me enough to see me to college. I was young, but clearly he thought I was ready to sit amongst adults.”

“You stayed on campus your first year?”

“No. I was too young. With my mother’s parents gone, my other…grandparents stepped up.” I hated those lies. There were two sprinkled in that statement. “Well, my grandfather stepped up. He invited me to live with them. I was there for almost two years and then stayed on campus, which was bullshit because I was really living with Sheldon my entire college career.”

“So checkered,” he murmured with a tone of rumination.

“Tell me about it.”

“No wonder your mantra.”

“What’s that?”

“Knowing the rhythm of blues.”

“I could write a book on it.” I lifted my head. “And you know the worse of it all—my childhood?”

“What’s that?”

“The secrecy. I hate secrets, especially in families. Your childhood seems to have been shrouded in secrecy. That’s why I want to earn your trust. You don’t have to keep any from me.” My head shook softly. “Let that be the real between us.”

“You know the rhythm of blues,” he mumbled. “I know all the hues of gray. You hate secrets, I despise gray areas.”

My face folded as I was slapped with a revelation.

“Checkered… Gray…” His eyes tried following mine. Then I glanced around the room. “Is that your fascination with black and white? Why your club was named Checkerboard? Your homes designed in mostly black and white?” He didn’t respond, which was his answer. Taking a deep breath, I lowered, resting my head on his chest again, clutching his thick frame as best I could on the mattress. “We have such a long road ahead of us. And two and a half years seems so short.”

“We can always go the distance.”

“I can’t believe you’re leaving.” Wynter blinked wide and hard. “Why do I feel so conflicted by this?” Her eyes came up to mine as if to ask me instead of my grandmother.

I pulled her into me and learned right away it was what she needed because her arms folded around my waist and head burrowed into my side as though it was natural for her.

“Well, daughter,” Grandmother began in her petite voice as we stood at the door to see her off, “I move on the Lord’s prompting. I’ve been here almost two months. My numbers are good again, the doctor said. And my flock needs me.”

I had to agree with Wynter; I may have dreaded my grandmother’s stay at my crib, but it turned out to be a blessing, one I was still processing.

“We appreciate your covering while here, Pastor. I understand you gotta get back to the church,” I offered.

“Praise God,” she whispered, eyes closing as she nodded. “I hear Myisha gone be back?” she spoke up.

I nodded. “We’re meeting her for dinner tomorrow at her favorite restaurant.” She had demanded, saying she missed home that bad. “She’s coming straight from the airport.”

My grandmother held her hand out for Wynter, who left me to receive it.

“Daughter, even though sometimes it may feel you were brought here by happenstance, God wants you to know each strand of hair on your head was planted by Him. Every step you made in life up until now has been orchestrated by Him.” Her eyes squeezed closed, chin went into the air, and voice heightened several octaves. “You may not know Him like my grandson here, but not only does our God love you, the time for Him to reveal His purpose for your life is upon you.” A chill ran down my spine. My grandmother was prophesying. I’d seen her in action more times than I could count. The atmosphere changed when she operated under that anointing. “And it shall come to pass!” she declared.

My head rose and I peeped Wynter, not really expecting much. She’d shown patience and grace with my grandmother’s idiosyncrasies, as they likely were to her. I was surprised when she rushed my grandmother in a hug with closed eyes.

“I hope to see you again soon, Grandmother McKinnon.”

My grandmother smiled, her eyes closed, too. “Praise God,” she whispered and not to Wynter. “You will, daughter.” That time she was speaking to her.

Her eyes opened and my grandmother spoke directly to me. “The Lord dealt with me last night about you. Troubled my sleep. It’s time for you to clean house. You knew this long ago, but refused to be obedient. Well the Lord is saying the time is nigh. He said even in your disobedience, He’s planted an unstoppable blessing in your midst.” My chest lifted, lungs filled with unexpected air. “You will be dealt with, but covered. You need to stop leaning unto your own understanding and thinking it’s up to you to clean up your mess. All you have to do is surrender all. Totally. Completely. And finally.”

With a bow from the neck, a heart full of guilt, and a rebuked mind, I uttered, “Amen, Pastor.”

“Amen.” My grandmother extended her arms. “I feel the need to join hands in prayer.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Wynter and I met her outstretched hands and bowed our heads in prayer.