“It either brings tears to their eyes, or else . . .”
“Or else what?” said Alice, for the Knight had made a sudden pause.
“Or else it doesn’t, you know.”
―Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Dare
I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell her about Chloe. All I wanted was a little more time in the bubble. I should’ve also made precautions to protect our privacy, but I let myself get caught up in the moment. Man, that was really stupid.
Her hand was still out, like a human stop sign, so I raised both of mine in surrender. “I get it. You’re pissed and embarrassed, but I swear on my life, I had nothing to do with that photo and, as soon as I find out who those punks are, I’m going to take care of everything.”
Her eyes were glassy and red-rimmed. She shook her head, arms folded in front of her like a shield. “I never thought for one second you were behind that photo, Dare, and the damage is already done.”
I wanted to hold her in the worst way.
“I know you’re a private person. I should have been more careful, to protect you.”
A cold wind blew, making her teeth rattle. She had on a thin jacket, the kind that probably kept someone warm in North Carolina, but wouldn’t cut it here. I took off my jacket as I went to her, putting it around her shoulders.
“That’s very gentlemanly of you. Thank you,” she said.
“Anytime,” I said. I’d give you anything. All you have to do is ask.
Her shivering stopped and she gave a small smile. “I’m sorry about what happened to Chloe. I read about it in the paper.”
I sucked in the cold air. “I should have told you about it sooner.”
“I don’t blame you for not wanting to relive it, why you delayed
talking about it.”
Damn it, she really is perfect for me.
“I loved her. I was crazy about her,” I said, my hands in my pockets as I stared off. “In the beginning, I got off on her needing me so much. I thought of myself as her protector. Man, I was so stupid and full of myself . . .”
“Dare, you couldn’t have known,” she said, taking a small step towards me.
I shook my head. “No, I couldn’t have. God knows her parents were in deep denial. But when I came home late from a show and I found her surrounded by shards of glass, her cutting herself . . . I insisted she be hospitalized. She went and got better. She went on meds. But then, she’d either go off them or they’d stop working.”
“What did she have?” she asked.
“Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder . . . those were the major hitters.”
She didn’t know what to say. No one ever did.
“I hated how she died,” I said, looking at the ground, “But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I was relieved to not have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. And I feel like a piece of shit for admitting that out loud, but that’s the truth.
“I know it’s not on me how she died, but I still blame myself for letting my ego think I could’ve fixed her in the first place.”
She stared at me, something working behind her eyes.
“I thought I could give Chad a soul,” she said, shaking her head. “He showed me his softer side, something not really allowed in his household. It was survival of the fittest over there. I thought I could save him from all that. Turned out he didn’t want to be saved after all.”
Something passed between us.
Alice understood. She got me in a way no one did.
And that’s when I realized, I loved this woman. It hadn’t been long, but I didn’t give a fuck.
I didn’t feel a lick of the cold. My blood was racing too fast through my veins. I felt like I was on fire.
“I may get kicked out of school,” she said, her voice soft and defeated.
The fire inside turned to ice. “You’re shitting me.”
She shook her head, examining her boots. Anything, probably, not to look at me.
“I was feeling so good this morning, too,” she went on. “Like I was finally finding my way, being an integrated, sexual being.”
I grasped the front of my jacket around her, pulling her close. “Don’t let one photo take that away from you.”
But it was like she didn’t hear me.
“No matter what I do, I’m always going to be walking around with a scarlett letter on my chest,” she said. “I don’t know what I’ll do if they kick me out.”
“I’ll hire an attorney,” I said, hoping like hell she’d get that she was not alone in this. “Let me help you, Dixie.”
She looked up, finally meeting my eyes. She appeared so lost and angry at the same time. Alice shrugged off my jacket and handed it off, like it was something dirty.
“Thanks for the offer,” she said, looking uncomfortable. “I know you mean well, but this is why I didn’t want to get involved in the first place.”
My head reared back, like I had been slapped.
I just got her and I’m already losing her.
“So, what are you saying? You regret being with me?” I asked.
“No, it’s just, I can’t afford anything to distract me from what I came here to do,” she said, letting out a sigh. “If you weren’t so well known, maybe things could be different, but I can’t spend my life looking over my shoulder, paranoid that every move we make may end up in a gossip rag.”
I grimaced. “Well, I can’t promise nothing like that will happen in the future. Shit happens, Alice. If you start walling yourself off from life, at twenty-five, your world’s going to get narrow real fast.”
She hoisted her backpack onto her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I just can’t is all . . . bye, City.”
Then, she got as far away from me as possible. I watched her walk away, getting smaller and smaller.
It was almost dark and the temperature had dropped. I put my jacket back on and cursed under my breath because it already smelled like her.
I started walking home, even as the ground crumbled beneath my feet. As what she said sunk in, my limbs and lungs turned to ice and ash.
She had brought me back to life. And I returned the favor by killing her career before it started.
Maybe Chloe’s parents had been right all along. I was nothing but misery and pain.