Chapter Twelve
Xia
The farther we ride from L.A. the lighter I become. With the wind rushing past, and the solid man in front of me an unmovable anchor, I’m able to breathe again. He was right. I needed to take a step away. His uncanny habit of seeing what I can’t is infuriating and comforting. I rest my head against his back. I’m making a choice to trust him again. Being at odds is just too damn draining, and it only prolongs the inevitable if he’s not the man I thought him to be. Better to find out early on.
For now, I’m focused on the smell of leather and male and the feel of his lean frame. I’ve missed the closeness we shared, so I’m soaking up every moment we have. It’s a beautiful night for a drive. The moon is full, and the night is an inky black on the back roads he’s using to get us to San Mateo. I can make out the hills and curves in the silvery light. On a bike, you’re doing more than traveling from point A to point B. You’re a part of your environment.
I can smell the asphalt on the still cooling road and the wildflowers littering the grass. The feel of the wheels on the ground has become a lullaby relaxing me with its song. Excitement replaces exhaustion. This is my chance to see into his life. To meet his family and see how he lived. I want a better understanding of how the man I love could be the way he once was to have peace and the belief that he’s truly over that backward thinking.
What kind of man would teach his children to hate? I understand now why he’s still struggling with his father’s death. Tomorrow will be a day for asking tough questions. Tonight I’m just a woman on a late night ride with the man she loves. I tighten my hold and let my thoughts drift away on the breeze. By the time we arrive at the clubhouse, I’m in a whole different world. Removed from the hustle and bustle of the city, they’re nestled in a small community that runs at a completely different speed.
I can hear the rock music from the parking lot. Bikes and cars seem to take up nearly every inch of space available. He lowers his kickstand, and I climb off on rubbery legs. I place a hand on his shoulder, and he smiles.
“It’ll pass soon.”
“Are they celebrating something?”
“Yeah, the weekend,” he says dryly.
“This is a normal Saturday night?”
“Pretty much. Told you my upbringing was a little different.”
“If by little you mean a lot, yes.” I step back and roll my shoulders. “What happened when you were a kid? Surely you weren’t here in the clubhouse.”
“No. I had babysitters same as everyone else. Mine just happened to be one of the club girls.”
“Club girls?”
“A group of woman who help around the club with various tasks and in turn we support them.”
“Things of a sexual nature?”
“If they want. It’s up to them what their bartering tools are.”
“How is that not prostitution?” I ask.
“Well, we’re not paying them money for it, you know?” He raises an eyebrow, and I realize I’ve just started on a very strange trip.
“Yeah. I guess?”
“You can’t look at this world with civilian glasses. It won’t make sense. Keep an open mind and ask as many questions as you need to. Assuming will only lead to misunderstandings.”
“Apparently. Your mother was okay with that arrangement?”
“She … wasn’t really in the picture like that, and my dad was the king of the castle type. I know. Shocker. Look, when we get inside you’re going to see my brothers letting loose. That’s a lot different than you’re used to. Everything is consensual and fun for all engaged. There’s a code here. You keep what you see to yourself. Can you do that?”
“Yes. I mean really, who would I tell?” I mutter.
“All right, try not to look too traumatized,” he says as we walk across the lot and inside.
I blink. It’s like a stepped into a den of inequity from the eighteen hundreds. The pungent smell of marijuana, cigarettes, cologne, and ardor fill the space. It’s exactly what I would’ve imagined a clubhouse would be like during a party. There’s a group of people grinding together on the floor, lined up at the bar, and in various stages of undress throughout the room. An archway opens up to a game room packed with people around pool tables, dart boards, and more than I can’t see from this angle.
“You doing okay?”
“Yes?”
He chuckles. “Let’s head to my room.” He guides me through the crowd, pausing to greet people who are stopping him. All eyes are on me.
At least now I know exactly why they’re staring.
“Whoa, what are you going back here, brother?”
A mohawked man steps up with his arm around a curvy redhead. I shift my weight from one foot to the other as she gives me a once over. I feel underdressed and overdressed at the same time in a pair of black skinny jeans and an off-the-shoulder black T-shirt. She’s giving me a look that screams ‘she’s not your usual one-night stand’.
“Taking a little break and showing Xia around. I’m taking her to meet D’Rose tomorrow.”
“Aahhh,” the man says as if he’s realizing something.
“Excuse these rude men. I’m Ruthie.” The redhead steps forward and offers her hand.
“Hi Ruthie, I’m Xia. We met working on the food truck,” I offer, wanting to drive home the fact that I’m not one of the women looking to barter.
“That has to be a cool job!”
“It has its ups and downs. I’m lucky to do what I love even when it gets crazy.”
“Sorry, babe. This is Skull and his old lady, Ruthie. Who’s got the twins tonight?”
“My sister. It’s been too long since we showed our face around here,” Skull says.
“Yeah, well having twins will do that to you,” Shayne replies with a grin.
“Two toddlers, man. That’s twice the brain power working to figure out how to thwart us,” Skull mumbles.
“I keep telling him their brains aren’t that developed,” Ruthie remarks.
“These are K.O.C. kids, believe me, they’re plotting,” Skull insists.
“Uh huh. We’ll let you get settled. I know how it is when you get off the road after a long trip,” Ruthie says.
“You’d better come back and mingle after you settle in,” Skull says.
Shayne smiles. “We will.”
The stop happens a few more times. Names swim in my head, and we stop in front of a man in a wheelchair with a brown-skinned woman at his side. My heart leaps for joy. In the sea of faces, there’s someone who resembles me. That means things have changed around here. Some of the worries dissipates.
“Hey, Freeze! What’s going on, man?” Shayne asks, suddenly animated.
He chuckles. “Hey, getting away from the rugrat for the night. Big sister is home and watching him.” They do a manly shake and hug, and the woman smiles at me politely.
“Freeze, Blanche, this is my girlfriend, Xia.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Freeze states, holding out his hand.
I shake his hand. “Likewise.”
I turn toward Blanche and do the same. She seems happy and relaxed. Her smile is full of encouragement and kindness. The women are making me think there’s more to the club than booze and women. I can’t deny they saved my arse when they showed up at the truck. If it helped produce Shayne, it can’t be all that bad.
“Welcome to San Mateo,” Blanche says.
“Thank you. Are you from here?”
“No, Georgia actually. But I’ve been living in San Diego for years.”
“My dad’s from Texas, so I very much get the Southern upbringing. We grew up in L.A., but my dad is so hardcore Southern gentleman you can’t always tell.”
She laughs. “Oh yeah, Southerners can be like that.”
We chat for a bit longer before we make our way to his dorm.
“You spent a lot longer talking to Freeze.”
“Every time I see him it feels like a mini miracle. We almost lost him a few years back, and then when he found out he wouldn’t be able to walk again, he went through a rough patch. Thank God, Blanche is a physical therapist. Without her, he never would’ve gotten through it.” He shakes his head.
“Wow. They seem so happy, though.”
“They are now. However, it was an uphill battle for a while.”
“If he’s paralyzed, did they adopt?” I ask, embarrassed to bring it up.
Shayne chuckles. “As he’d say, the plumbing still works.”
“Oh, Jesus.”
“Freeze is a funny guy like that.”
“I’m sure his good humor must’ve helped him through.”
“Is the older child theirs, too?”
“Oh no, that’s Blanche’s daughter from her previous marriage. Whitney is a great girl. She’s going to college in Virginia, so we only get to see her occasionally.”
It’s all so normal. Kids in school, step-parents, triumphs, and tragedies. He unlocks the room, and we step inside.
“I’ll get someone to come by with clean sheets and towels. I’m sure those are stale by now.”
“You have a maid?”
“Of sorts.”
Aaah, the barter system.
“Sit, I’ll be back.”
Plopping down on the edge of the bed, I take in the barren walls. It saddens me. There are no photos, knickknacks, or personal items in plain sight. This could be anyone’s room. Is this how he grew up? No real attachments? The painting being revealed is a stark one. He returns with a handful of fresh linen and towels.
“Why is your room so bare?”
“Oh, this is sort of a temporary situation. After everything with my father, I didn’t feel comfortable staying in our home, so I moved in here. I should go through things, but I haven’t been in the right head space.”
“So most of your things are there?”
“Yeah, everything I’ve accumulated over the years is there.”
“Have you been back since he died?”
“Not sober. The last time I tried I ended up trashing a few rooms and my brother had to drag me out and sober me up. It was messy.”
“Maybe that’s one of the things holding you back,” I suggest quietly.
“I came here to put it to rest. I have been letting the past screw with me for long enough. My future and my happiness rest with you. Having one foot back then isn’t helping me. I’m ready to face my demons and put it all to rest.”
We finish making the bed. “Will you go with me?”
“Of course … Wait now?”
He nods his head. “When the sun rises it’ll be a new start for us.”
“I want it, too,” I admit.
“Then it’s settled. I can brave the flames of hell if I get my angel in the end.”
I look away, unable to face the admiration shining in his gaze.
“Don’t turn away from me.”
“I don’t deserve that look.”
“Yes, you do. You making me work for it isn’t a bad thing. You’re my Odyssey. My journey after the war toward home. I never knew what a real home would look, feel, or smell like. When I met you, I began to dream.” He kneels in front of me. “Will you take this trip to the underworld with me?”
Not able to speak, I nod my head. The man is a walking mystery. Taking his hand, I follow him out the door and back through the crowded building. We’re going back to where everything started. I’m not sure either of us is prepared for the final voyage.
We pull up to a white one-story, single-family home with green grass neatly trimmed. It’s cute.
“This is it?”
“The three bedroom, one and a half bath where I learned everything wrong? Yeah.”
“It isn’t what I expected,” I murmur, too stunned to hide my real response.
“Looks can be deceiving. Don’t feed into the image exterior projects. We do that on purpose, you know? Make everything pretty on the outside, so no one thinks to take a closer look.” He holds out his hand, and I’m shocked by the slight tremor running through it.
“You see a house. I see a portal to hell.” He takes a shaky breath, and I know he’s fighting for every step he takes forward. We reach the front porch, and he pulls the keys out from his pocket. The jangle breaks the stillness of the night as he struggles to fit the key into the lock. I place my hand over his, and the tremors subside. Together we unlock the door and push it open. A musty scent of stale air and dust rush out to meet us. He hits a light switch beside the door, and I take in the framed pictures along the wall in the hallway.
The sight of a Hispanic woman between them gives me pause.
“Wait, is that …”
“My mother? Yes.”
“What the actual fuck?”
He snickers. “Yeah, didn’t make a lot of sense until we came to understand my father while passably white was, in fact, half black.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I croak.
“No, he hated himself most of all. All that loathing was turned outward to others. It wasn’t a connection I could make until the truth came to light.”
“You went your entire life never knowing?”
“Yeah. I’m not surprised he never wanted to try for more kids. My brother and I were a fluke.”
He steps farther into the house, and I follow behind, silent. The walls and tables tell the story of a man who started off proud of both boys and at some point switched all his affection and approval to Shayne.
“What happened between your father and Joel?”
“Notice that, huh? He fell in love with his current wife and told dad all his racist ranting was rubbish. Dad didn’t take it too well. I think that’s when he started in on me hardcore. He wasn’t going to lose another son to a world full of backward thinking. I never questioned it. I wanted to make my daddy proud.” He runs a hand through his hair. “When my dad was happy, he lit up. His approval was the sunshine, and I was a plant which needed it to live. We have no other family, and he pitted us against each other. I took the bait. I felt good being the golden boy. Before I could never live up to Joel. I mean, his very nickname was a reflection on my brother. He’s Echo because he parroted my father who was Mouth. I couldn’t compete until he fell from grace.”
“That’s not your fault. He was wrong to manipulate you two that way. Our parents are the ones we trust implicitly. You have to stop taking the blame for the evil he created, spewed, and continued. If Joel didn’t fall in love with his wife, would he have opened his eyes?”
“I … I don’t know. I never thought of that,” he says softly.
Seeing him this conflicted as we walk the floor of his childhood home I realize how much of a victim he was, too.
“I never thought about the people we were hurting, and now every time I look at you I think about all the times I should’ve stepped up. I should’ve stood against him, Xia.” His voice breaks. He swipes the collection of photos off a table. They fly against the wall, shattering, and he goes down on one knee and drops his head.
“I hate him for what he’s done, for being gone, and for leaving me with all of this. For loving him as much as I hate him. What’s wrong with me? How can I be so conflicted? He was a horrible human being, and now I’m a man stuck in between.”
I place my hand on his shoulder and cup his face, tilting his head up. “No matter his flaws he was your father. You have to let this go. You don’t need to atone for his sins. You live your life. With me and move forward.”
His glossy gaze locks onto mine. “With you?”
I nod my head. I never want to see him like this again. “We’re done letting him win, Shayne.” I mean every word I spoke. Being upset at him for the things his father instilled was pointless and painful for us both. He’ll never be able to erase his past, but he’s already risen above it.
“Xia.”
“No.” I place my finger on his lips. “No more.
Placing his head on my belly, he wraps an arm around me. “I love you, Xia.” No man has ever loved me like this. I’d be a fool to let him slip away.
“I love you, too, Shayne.” I run my fingers through his hair. Among the ashes of times bygone, we’re building our future.
***
Shayne
I wrap my arm around Xia’s waist as she sits down on my lap. The impromptu grill lunch is the perfect chance for us to mingle in a chill environment. It’s insane how much of a baby boom has swept through. Skull and Ruthie have two-year-old twins, Wizard’s boy, Vegas, is pushing four and Neve is pregnant with another one. Blue and Shadow’s daughter is barely a year, and she’s got another on the way.
I think he’s making up for lost time. After three years in jail, and a life of being cock blocked from Blue by her vindictive older sister, Calla, I can see where Shadow is coming from. It’s the year of babies. Due dates are staggered, but there’s no arguing that the diapers and formula will be flowing.
None of us had it easy in love, did we? I glance over at Bolton and Whitney and wonder if there’s a romance brewing between them. Her cheeks seem redder than they should be and he’s got a sly smile going. That’ll be interesting. Young love rarely ends well, and she’s in Virginia while he’s here in Cali. Add the fact that he’s going to pledge after he gets his degree and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
I sneak a look at Blanche and Freeze. She’s sitting on his lap sideways, and he has his hand planted firmly on her belly. Another one bites the dust. I bet money it won’t be long until they announce their second pregnancy.
“There’s a lot of baby baking going on around here,” Xia whispers.
I snicker. “I was just noticing the same thing.”
“Is that an unspoken rule you’ve yet to mention?”
“No. If you notice, there’s a huge gap between the last kid born, Bolton, and now this new batch. We tend to remain bachelors longer than most men.”
“Humph.”
“Why, are you getting baby fever?” The thought of a miniature version of her doesn’t scare me the way I thought it would.
“Nope. Do you want kids?” she inquires.
“Sure, one day, but I’m in no rush.”
She sighs. “Good.
“Were you worried about my answer?”
“A little bit. There are some key things we haven’t talked to each other about.”
“We’ll get to them. I’m not your father. I’m not going to give you ultimatums based on my perceptions about women. We’re in this together. That means both our opinions matter.”
She wraps her arm around my neck and turns into me. “I like the way you think, Mr. Spencer.”
I kiss her lips. “Let’s keep it that way.”
“Hey, ladies. We have some alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages in the house for us. You know the men frown on girly drinks,” D’Rose says.
“I think that’s my cue for girl time.” Xi stands. I kiss the back of her hand, and she smiles down at me before joining the woman heading to the kitchen for the lemonade and peach sangria Dixie Rose made this morning after breakfast. We’d spent the day catching up with my brother and his wife.
The door closes behind them, and the brothers converge on me.
“Damn, boy, you like to make a grand entrance, don’t you?” Shadow asks.
I laugh. “Me? Naaah.”
“Bull,” Skull snaps. “I did a double take when you walked by us.”
“You guys know I’ve changed,” I say with a shrug.
“Yeah, but changing and converting completely is two different things,” Wizard counters as we watch the kids play tag.
“I met her, and it just happened. You know what I mean?”
Freeze chuckles. “I think we all know that feeling.”
“You about to join the Dad Club, too?” Shadow asks.
“Ha. No. We’re good for now. I’ll leave all the procreation to you. Seems like you got it on lock.”
“It’s all right, we got your brother.” Skull pats Joel’s shoulder and I laugh.
“Yeah, he is. I think the world needs to recover from the birth of a new Spencer before I start thinking about it.”
“So what’s going on down in L.A.?” Shadow asks.
“Working. You know we’re doing the contest thing. It’s been intense.”
“Has it stayed quiet since the dethronement of Big?” Wizard asks. “I know Stone says it’s been quiet since they pushed out the bad element, but I worried they might sniff around you.”
“I haven’t seen anything out of the ordinary. Is that why the big show of support at the food truck?” I’d been surprised when they all came out when I only asked for a few.
“Yeah, we wanted to show anyone who was watching we’re out in numbers,” Wizard says.
“Didn’t hurt to have good P.R. either,” Shadow adds.
“It looks like the girls have hit it off with her,” Joel says as we study them through the window where they’ve gathered around the table pouring drinks into fancy glasses and talking.
I nod. “Yeah, and I’m glad. It’s a lot for people to take in the first time.”
“I know what you mean, there was an education process with Blanche,” Freeze says.
The group splits off into pairs, and Joel takes me away from the group.
“Everything good? I was shocked that you came up here last minute.”
“Yeah, man, we just needed a break from the pressure the contest is putting us under. I took her to Dad’s last night.”
His eyes widen. “Jesus. How did that go?”
“I think it was what we both needed. I have been avoiding it for long enough. The truth about how we were raised, the screwed up things Dad did, and how none of it steals my love for him. I was living in this in between state.”
“And now?”
“Now I’m letting it go. I want a future with Xia, and taking that baggage with me will sink us both.”
“Damn, you’re finally growing up,” Joel whispers.
I scowl. “I haven’t been a kid for a long time.”
“I know, it’s not what I mean.” He pauses. “I see the man you were always meant to be today, and I’m proud of you.”
I smile at him. “Thank you, brother.”
“She’s good for you.”
“Yeah, she is. I’m trying to convince her I’m good for her.” Watching her laugh at something D’Rose says, I have to admit I want nothing less than forever with her.
“You got her here, so I think you’re doing a decent job of it.”
“I don’t know how the hell you got D’Rose to agree to marry you after everything.”
“Persistence.”
I scowl. “That’s your advice? Lame.”
“Sprinkle in some romance and thoughtful gifts, and there you have it.”
“We both know it wasn’t that easy.”
He laughs. “Hell no, it wasn’t. She’s a stubborn hell cat. Your girl can’t be too weak since she’s running her own truck and went against her family to do it.”
“She’s come a long way since we met. Her father has a particular view on what women, and her in particular, should and should not be doing. He has her all wrong.”
“Is he screwed up or something?” Joel asks.
“No, just ignorant and opinionated. He made her feel bad about being herself, so she hid away behind work and what appeared to be agreeing with his beliefs. Now neither of them knows how to approach each other.”
“What does he think is wrong with her?”
“You can take one look at her and see my girl has a love for the darkness. He wants her to be some Southern belle focused on family and staying close to home. He’s always tried to push her toward the business and marketing side of things. It’s not where her heart is. I think this contest forced him to give up on a dream and see her for who she is.”
“Who the hell is mad at the fact that their kid is motivated?” Joel scoffs.
“Rich people, brother. I think he forgot that there were things money couldn’t control. Their mom’s a real push over, too, so he’s gotten used to always getting his own way. They put their boys on a pedestal. It put her in a shit position. I was all for her rebellion. She deserves a chance to live her dream.”
“So what happens when you come back home?” He drops the million dollar question.
“We haven’t talked about that yet. Her business is portable.”
“But her life is set, isn’t it?” he asks. “If you ask her to move everything for you, aren’t you just as bad as them?”
“I have a promise to fulfill to Stone. She’ll understand that.”
“Best hope so. Women can only be so understanding.”
The sliding door opens, and the girls step through.
We stay a few more hours before we pack up to hit the road.
“So what did you think?” I ask as she climbs on behind me.
“Surprisingly normal. It could’ve been a weekend over at Jas and Andy’s. Minus the insanity of the club party.”
“Accurate.” I start the bike and pull out lighter for the unveiling and purging.