3
Clarisse walked into the building where the awards were being held, and several pair of male eyes went immediately to her slender, beautiful figure in the clinging white dress she wore. Her blond hair curled toward her face like feathers, emphasizing her exquisite bone structure, her perfect skin and teeth, her wide blue eyes. She was a beauty. In the gown, she looked like some Grecian goddess come down to earth to taunt mortals.
She didn’t even notice the attention she was getting. Her eyes were on the podium where the general would speak. There was an orchestra. It was playing soft, easy-listening sort of music while people gathered in small groups to converse. Most of the conversation was in Spanish here, not Portuguese, because Spanish was Barrera’s official language.
She smiled sadly at the little cliques. To Clarisse, who was always alone, it seemed like just one more gathering where she’d stand by herself while men tried to entice her. Sometimes she hated the way she looked. She didn’t want male attention.
She paused by a table where drinks were being served when her arm was taken by a tall man she recognized as one of General Machado’s advisers. He smiled at her. “We were hoping that you would come, Miss Carrington,” he said in softly accented English. “We have the other honorees backstage. The awards ceremony will be first, followed by dancing and drinking and utter pandemonium.” He chuckled.
She smiled up at him. “The pandemonium sounds nice. They shouldn’t have done this for me,” she added. “I didn’t really do anything except get shot and captured.”
He turned and smiled down at her. “You did a great deal more than that. All of us who live here are grateful to you and the others, for giving us back our country.”
“Are Peg and Winslow here?” she asked hopefully.
“Alas, no,” he replied solemnly. “Her father had to have surgery, just a minor thing, but they were both uncomfortable with the idea of not going to sit with him.”
“That’s like Peg,” she said softly, and smiled. “She’s such a sweet person.”
“She thinks quite highly of you, as well, as does her husband. And El General, of course,” he added with a chuckle.
“Where is the general?” she wondered.
He nodded his head toward where a tall, distinguished Latin man in a dinner jacket towered over a tall brunette in a striking blue gown.
“It’s Maddie!” she exclaimed. “She treated Eduardo Boas, who was shot before I was kidnapped.”
“Yes. She and the general are, I believe, getting married soon,” he whispered, laughing at her delighted smile. “But you must not mention this. I am not supposed to know.”
She smiled up at him. “I know absolutely nothing. I swear,” she added facetiously.
“Not true, Tat. You’re plenty smart enough,” came a deep, husky voice from behind her.
Her blood froze. Her heart started doing the tango. She didn’t want to turn around. She hadn’t dreamed that he’d show up.
“Señor Rourke will escort you to where the others are gathered backstage,” he said, nodding and bowing. Then he deserted her.
“Aren’t you going to turn around, Tat?” he asked very softly.
She took a deep breath and faced him. He looked different. She couldn’t understand why at first. Then she realized it was because his hair was short. He’d cut his hair. She wondered why. It had been in that long ponytail for years.
“Hello, Stanton,” she said quietly. “I didn’t expect you to be here.”
He looked down at her intently, his one eye narrowed and piercing as he drank in the sight of her, the memory of her in his arms making his heart race. There were no more barriers. He could have her. He could hold her and kiss her. He could make love to her...
He shook himself mentally. He had to go slow. “I was at a loose end,” he said carelessly.
“I see.” She was uneasy. She kept looking around, as if she wanted to be rescued. In fact, she did.
He looked around, too. “Did you come alone?” he asked suddenly, and there was a bite in his voice.
She swallowed. “I’d asked Ruy to come with me, but he had to fly to Argentina to treat an old friend.”
“Ruy... Carvajal, your doctor friend.”
“That’s right.”
He scowled. “You aren’t dating him, for God’s sake?” he asked curtly. “My God, Tat, he’s twenty years your senior!”
She couldn’t meet his eyes. “He’s older than I am, yes.”
He felt his muscles tighten from head to toe. She couldn’t be getting involved with the doctor. Surely not!
His silence coaxed her into looking up. His expression confounded her. In another man, it would look like jealousy. But Rourke would never be jealous of her. He hated her.
She moved restlessly. “We should go backstage.”
“Are you going to be here overnight?” he asked as they walked.
“I fly back to Manaus in the morning,” she replied.
“I’m here overnight, as well.”
She didn’t say anything. She knew that he was going to avoid her like the plague, as usual.
“Which hotel are you staying in?” he asked abruptly.
“Why? Do you want to make sure you can get one at least half the city away from it?” she burst out.
He stopped dead. “I’ve got a lot to make up to you,” he said solemnly. “I don’t even know where to start. I’ve done so much damage, Tat,” he added in a husky tone. “Far too much.”
She looked up at him, shocked.
He reached out toward her face, only to have her jerk back from him and avert her eyes.
It hurt more than he’d ever dreamed anything could.
“Tat,” he whispered roughly, wounded.
“Don’t you remember?” she bit off. “You told me...never to touch you. You said that I was repulsive...” Her voice broke. She walked around him and moved blindly to the back, where a man in a suit was motioning to them to get with the other honorees. She didn’t look to see if Rourke was coming behind her. She didn’t want to see him.
He followed her, his heart torn out of his body at her words. Yes, he’d told her that; he’d been brutal with her. How could he have forgotten? He’d hurt her so badly. Now, after years of tormenting her and himself, he finally had a chance to start over with her. But judging by what she’d just said, it was going to be a very hard road back.
* * *
The award ceremony was lengthy. General Machado made a speech. His director of the interior made a longer one. The presenter made an even longer one. By the end of it, Clarisse’s feet hurt. She was glad she was wearing low-heeled shoes.
One by one, the honorees went out to receive their awards, made a short speech and shook hands with the general. Clarisse did the same, smiling up at him as he bent to kiss her cheek, the medal in its velvet case held tightly in one hand.
“Thank you for coming,” he whispered in her ear.
“Thank you for inviting me,” she whispered back.
She shook hands with him and carried her award off the stage.
She waited while the others received their medals. Rourke joined her, somber and quiet. He hadn’t liked the general kissing her. He was fuming inside.
Clarisse saw his expression and felt her heart sink. He was angry at her again. It was familiar, though. Nothing really changed, least of all Rourke’s bad opinion.
* * *
She left her award with her coat in the cloakroom and nursed a rum drink. She’d already refused half a dozen requests to dance. She bristled at the thought of strange hands on her skin, and the dress was low cut in back. So she stood by herself, watching other people enjoy the music on the dance floor.
She felt heat at her back and stiffened. She always knew when Rourke was close. She wasn’t sure how. It was rather uncanny. She turned, her whole posture defensive.
“You’ve never danced with me, Tat,” he said, his voice deep and velvety as he drank in the exquisite sight of her.
She sipped the rum, for something to do. “Have you had all your shots?” she asked with quiet sarcasm.
There was a pause. He drew in a breath. “How about a truce, just for tonight?”
She studied him with apprehension, her face wary, her eyes wide and worried.
“I won’t hurt you,” he said. His face was taut, and not with revulsion. He looked as if he was hanging in midair, waiting for her to answer. At his side, his big hands were curled into fists. “Just for tonight,” he repeated in a voice so soft that she had to strain to hear it.
He’d tormented her for so long. The pain, the memories, were in her wide blue eyes, in her sadness. She bit her lower lip, hard, and twisted her small evening bag into an unrecognizable shape in her cold hands.
He moved a step closer, so that he was almost right up against her. His breath caught as he breathed in the floral perfume she wore, just a hint of it. His hands came up, very slowly, and went to her waist. He was hesitant.
“Trust me,” he said at her forehead. “Just this once.”
“You don’t like me to touch you,” she managed in a choked tone.
His eye closed on a wave of pain. “I lied.” He looked down into her shocked face. “I lied, Tat,” he whispered. “I want your hands on me. I want you close, as close as I can get you.” He drew in an unsteady breath. “Humor me.”
She hesitated. It would start the addiction off, all over again, just when she was thinking that she could finally get over him.
“Come on.” He took the drink from her cold hands and put it on the table. Then he caught the other small hand in his, linking his fingers into hers, and led her into the large room where the orchestra was playing. Couples were moving slowly to a bluesy tune.
He turned and curved one long arm around her waist. He slid his fingers in between hers and rested them over his spotless white shirt. He moved closer and led her, to the rhythm of the music. He could hear her breath catch, feel the tenseness in her young body slowly give way to the seduction of the slow movements.
“That’s more like it,” he said roughly at her temple.
She thought she felt his mouth there. Surely he wouldn’t do that, though, she reminded herself. She should pull away. She should run. He was going to hurt her. This was the way it always was. He was kind, or seemed to be. Then he pushed her away, taunted her, tormented her...
She pulled back and looked up at him with anguish in her face.
“No,” he whispered, wincing as he read the apprehension there. “I meant it. I swear to God, I won’t hurt you, Tat. Not with words, not any other way. I give you my word.”
That was serious business with him. If he made a promise, you could bet money on his keeping it. She searched his hard face. “Why?”
He let out a breath from between chiseled, very masculine lips. His gaze went over her head to the wall beyond. “I...heard some gossip, years ago. Malicious gossip. Long story short, I thought we were related by blood.”
She stopped dancing. She gaped at him. “Wh...what?” she asked, and started to jerk away from him.
His arm curled her into his tall, muscular body and held her there. “It wasn’t true,” he said. “I had it checked out. Your mother’s blood type was O positive,” he said through his teeth. “And your father’s blood type was B positive. I’m AB Negative, like K.C. You’re B positive.” He hesitated. “I had a covert DNA scan done from a sample of your blood. Don’t ask how I got it,” he said when she opened her mouth. “I’m a spy. I have ways. I spoke to a geneticist. There is no way in hell we could be related. Not even in the most distant way.”
She was standing very still. All of a sudden the past eight years made absolute sense. He’d behaved sometimes as if it was tormenting him to be near her, as if he wanted her but he wouldn’t permit himself to touch her, or her to touch him.
The realization made her face change, made her expression change.
His jaw tautened as he looked down at her. “Oh, God, don’t you think I wanted you, too?” he whispered in anguish. “Wanted you, ached for you, for years! And I couldn’t... I didn’t dare even touch you...!”
Tears welled up in her eyes. It was like dreams coming true. She couldn’t believe it.
“Oh, baby,” he whispered, and suddenly dragged her body against his, holding her. He started shivering, from the force of desire, so long denied.
She pulled back abruptly, her eyes horrified. “Are you all right, Stanton?” she asked at once. “You’re shivering! It isn’t the malaria recurring?” He’d had it years ago. She’d nursed him through one bout of it when she was a child, in Africa. She reached up hesitantly to touch his face. “You do feel a little warm...”
He was almost in shock. He was shivering with desire and she didn’t know it. But she was experienced. She’d had men. How could she be ignorant of something so basic?
He scowled. Impulsively, his hand slid down to the base of her spine and pulled her very close, letting her feel the sharp, immediate arousal of his body.
She went scarlet and tried to get away from him, struggling to escape the intimate contact, which she’d only ever felt once, the Christmas Eve that she’d almost given in to his ardor. No man had been allowed to touch her that way since. It was still embarrassing.
Rourke felt as if Christmas had come. He let her move away, but his one good eye was brimming with joy, with exultation.
He bent his head a little, so that he was looking right into both of her eyes. “You’re still a virgin, aren’t you, Tat?” he asked in a rough whisper.
“Stan...ton!” she choked, and averted her eyes.
He slid his cheek against hers. He shivered again. “I don’t have malaria,” he whispered. “That part of me is looking for a soft, warm, dark place to hide in.”
It took her a minute to work that out. When she did she colored even more. She hit his chest. “Stanton!”
He laughed softly, with utter delight, nuzzling his face against hers. “You couldn’t do it with anyone else, could you, Tat?” he teased.
And there it was. Assumptions. Arrogance. He knew how she felt. He’d said it would be a truce, but it really wasn’t. He was moving in for the kill. Now that he knew what she really was, he’d never relent. He’d stalk her until he seduced her. He might sound pleasant; he might even sound as if he cared about her. But at the end of the day, he just wanted sex. He’d desired her for years, but thought he couldn’t have her. Now he knew that he could. And it was true. She had no defense. Except one.
“Ruy asked me to marry him,” she said quietly, without looking up at him.
He went very still. “What?”
She swallowed. “He may be much older than I am, but he’s a good, kind man.” She closed her eyes. “I said yes, Stanton,” she lied. It was the only protection she could give herself from a one-night stand that she didn’t want, couldn’t bear. She loved him too much. “So if you’re thinking in terms of a night in bed with me, think again. I won’t cheat on my fiancé.”
His whole world exploded. He stared at her with anguish that he couldn’t even hide. He started to speak, but before he could get a word out, General Machado appeared beside them with Maddie beaming at his side.
“We are getting married,” Machado said, laughing softly as Maddie actually blushed. “I wanted you both to know.” He shrugged. “I am years too old for her, but what the hell. I love her.” He looked at the pretty brunette with eyes that worshipped her.
“Almost as much as I love him,” Maddie tried to joke, but her eyes were eating him.
“Congratulations,” Rourke said, hiding his own misery. He shook hands with the general and kissed Maddie on the cheek. “I’m happy for both of you.”
“So am I,” Clarisse choked, repeating his gestures. “I hope you’ll be so happy together.”
“Same here,” Rourke added.
They smiled, then laughed, then talk revolved around the awards and how they came to be. The general mentioned that his son, San Antonio police lieutenant Rick Marquez had wanted to come, but his wife was in the early stages of pregnancy and wasn’t doing well; Rick couldn’t bring her with him, or leave her, so he sent his regrets via Skype. The general and his son spoke often these days.
Rourke went through the motions of paying attention, but he was dying inside. He was too late. Tat had finally given up on him. She was going to marry the damned doctor in Manaus.
* * *
He wandered away. Tat noticed him dancing with a ravishing blonde, laughing down at her. She smiled sadly to herself. Why did she ever expect things to change? There was Rourke, being himself, coaxing women to his bed. She imagined the ravishing blonde would give him what Clarisse wouldn’t, a single night of pleasure.
It disturbed her that he’d found a replacement so quickly. Well, what had she expected? That when he realized she wasn’t a blood relation, he’d declare eternal love and produce a wedding ring? Fat chance of that ever happening. She’d had a lucky escape, because it wouldn’t have been possible for her to refuse him. She loved him too much, despite everything.
She turned with a sad little smile and went out of the building, caught a cab and went back to her hotel room. It was just as well not to trust in dreams.
* * *
She was sleeping. She woke suddenly, just after an attack of some sort, bombs going off, a rifle shot. She was wet with sweat, even in the air-conditioned room. She still had nightmares from her ordeal in Barrera. The phone was ringing off the hook.
She answered the phone, noting that it was three o’clock in the morning. “Yes?” she asked, surprised at the call at this hour.
“Miss Carrington? It’s O’Bailey. You remember me?”
She searched her memories. “You’re the computer hacker. You were with us when General Machado led the counterrevolution.”
“That’s me, ma’am.” He cleared his throat. “The general said you were here for the awards ceremony. I was, too, but I arrived late. I heard a commotion downstairs and when I looked in the bar, well, it’s really bad. He’s going to kill somebody or get himself arrested. That would really upset the general with all the international press here, and I thought...”
“He?” Clarisse asked.
“Rourke,” he replied. “He’s totally out of control. I’ve only ever seen him drunk a time or two, and he’s dangerous when he drinks. Somebody has to get him out of there, or the general’s policemen are going to arrest him and put him in jail.” He hesitated. “There are reporters in the hotel, too. If one of them sees him...”
“Rourke is drunk?” She was dumbfounded. “O’Bailey, he doesn’t drink hard liquor. Well, maybe he drinks, but he never has enough to make him lose control...”
“Ma’am, he just threw one of the bouncers through a glass window.”
“Oh, good Lord!” she exclaimed.
“I was wondering if you could come down here and maybe talk to him.”
She hesitated. She was afraid of Rourke in a temper.
“Ma’am, there’s always one person that a drunk person can be controlled by. With my dad, it was my little sister. She could just lead him by the hand, when he’d kill another man for trying to make him stop drinking. I don’t think Rourke would ever hurt you. But I’ll be there if he tries to. Please?”
“Are you downstairs?” she asked.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I’ll meet you in front of the bar.” She hung up.
* * *
She put on slacks and a yellow pullover blouse. She didn’t wait to make up her face. She met O’Bailey outside the lounge downstairs, where a vicious loud voice was cursing in Afrikaans. She winced.
“He’ll listen to you,” he said. “I know he will.”
She gave O’Bailey a grim look. “I’ll try,” she said.
She walked into the bar. There was another man, one who looked about half as drunk as Rourke. He spotted her and got up, grinning from ear to ear.
“Well, look what a pretty little fairy just walked in the door,” the man exclaimed. He caught her by the arm and tried to pull her to him. “Precious, how about coming up to my room...?”
In an instant, Rourke had him by the throat. His one eye was dark with rage. “You touch her again and I’ll kill you!” he said through his teeth. He threw the man backward. He fell over a table and picked himself up and ran out of the lounge, holding his throat.
“Stanton,” Clarisse said softly.
He looked down at her. He was breathing roughly. He reeked of whiskey. He peered at her, frowning. “Why are you here, Tat?” he asked in almost a whisper.
“I came to get you.” She slid her cold, nervous hand into his. He’d frightened her when he grabbed the man by the throat. But he didn’t look violent at all now. “You have to come with me.”
“Okay,” he said easily.
She tugged on his hand. He let her lead him right out of the room, to where O’Bailey was waiting. She could hardly believe it. The bar was a wreck. Men, big men, were against the wall, behind tables, as if they were hoping Rourke wouldn’t notice them. Grown men were afraid of him, but he was following along with Clarisse like a lamb.
“I’ll talk to him. Is he staying at this hotel?” Clarisse asked the Irishman, grimacing as she noted the bartender just peering over the bar and looking hunted. “He’ll pay for the damage,” Clarisse said.
O’Bailey nodded. “Rourke’s in room 306. I imagine the key’s in his pocket.”
“Thanks,” she said.
“No, ma’am, thank you!” he replied, and she smiled.
He nodded, grinned, gave Rourke an apologetic smile and went into the lounge.
Rourke looked down at Tat. “Why are you here?” he asked angrily. “Won’t your fiancé miss you?”
“He’s in Argentina with a patient,” she reminded him. “He won’t be home for several weeks.”
“What a tough break for him,” he said, looking down at her with barely hidden hunger. “God, you’re a knockout,” he said huskily. “I ache just looking at you!”
She flushed. She turned and led him into the elevator. They rode up in silence to the third floor. He was watching her with unnerving intensity.
She led him to his door. “You need to get out the key card,” she said.
He leaned against the door. “No.”
“Stanton,” she groaned.
“Once I open the door, you’ll leave,” he said heavily.
She nibbled her lower lip.
“I can always go back to the bar,” he said cagily, shouldering away from the door frame.
“No!”
“Promise you’ll stay with me until I fall asleep, then,” he said, his voice only slightly slurred. “Give me your word, Tat.”
She ground her teeth together. He wasn’t quite in control of himself and she was afraid of him. Not of his temper, but that he might try to continue where they’d left off when she was seventeen. That had been a near thing. Not until she was in her twenties did she realize just how near.
“I won’t...do anything you don’t want,” he promised.
She drew in a slow breath. “I’ll hold you to that, Stanton.”
He smiled. He drew out the card and pushed it into the lock. There was a click and a tiny green light went on. He pulled the card out and slipped it back into his pocket. He opened the door. “After you.”
She walked into the room, a poem about spiders and flies teasing around the edge of her mind.
The room flooded with light as he touched a switch.
She turned to him. He looked harder than she’d ever seen him. His handsome face was tense with some powerful emotion as he stared down at her with his one good eye.
She looked back, wincing at the eye patch.
He misread the look. “Ya,” he said coldly. “I’m disabled. That what you’re thinking?”
“I was remembering when it happened,” she said softly.
The tension grew worse. “I’d just...been told something that upended my life,” he said evasively, avoiding her quiet gaze. “Like a rank beginner, I walked right into an ambush.” He laughed coldly. “Lost an eye, took a bullet in the chest...” His eye cut back around to her face. “You were there, sitting by the bed when I came out from under the anesthesia.”
“K.C. called me,” she said. She lowered her eyes to his chest. “He was scared to death, and he didn’t want to start gossip all over again by sitting with you. Nobody thought it unusual that I did. I knew most of the hospital staff in Nairobi.”
He drew in a breath. He felt sick. Sweaty. “There was a lot of gossip after that.”
“I never noticed. Neither did you.”
He studied her downcast face. “As soon as the stitches came out, I invited Anita out to the game farm and sent you home to DC.”
She bit her lip. “Yes.”
He closed his eye, anguish in his whole body as he recalled that act of cruelty. “I didn’t even thank you, for what you did. I wanted to die when they told me I’d lost an eye, that I might go blind. You made me want to live.”
She didn’t say anything, but her posture was eloquent.
He swayed a little. She caught him as he reeled.
“I’m drunk, Tat,” he managed with a breathy laugh.
“You don’t do this much.”
“Only rarely,” he agreed as she helped him toward the bed. “I don’t like being out of control.”
“You never did.”
He eased down onto the bed, shoes and all. He looked up at her quietly. “Help me undress. I can’t sleep in my clothes.”
She stared at him while the soft plea made her flush.
He held out a big hand. “Come on, chicken,” he said with a faint smile. “Tat, I’m drunk,” he reminded her when she hesitated. “I can’t get hard. If I can’t get hard, I’m no threat.”
The flush got deeper.
He laughed huskily. “And all these years, I thought you’d had one man after another,” he said. His face twisted. “Damn me for what I did to you!”
She didn’t understand the anger. She didn’t understand his change of attitude. She didn’t really trust it, either.
“Don’t,” he said, seeing the debate going on in her mind. He shifted and winced. “Help me, Tat. I just want to sleep.”
She moved closer to the bed. Hesitantly, she pulled off his shoes, and then his socks. He had beautiful feet, for a man.
He sat up. She dropped down onto the bed beside him, still wary. He pulled her hands to the buttons of his shirt. He stared into her wide eyes. “Take it off,” he whispered, his voice like deep, soft velvet.
She felt her heart run wild. It had been years since she’d been this close to him, since he’d wanted her this close.
“Come on,” he whispered again, coaxing her fingers to the first button while his mouth hovered just above her eyes.
The tone, the proximity, got to her. She worked buttons out of buttonholes, noting the thick hair that covered his bronzed chest as she pushed the shirt back over his broad shoulders. There was a raised place just to the left of his breastbone, where he’d been shot when he lost his eye. It was hardly noticeable now.
He felt his body going taut as the shirt fell off. Her eyes were so expressive. She loved looking at him. He loved letting her. He was getting aroused, despite his protests to the contrary. So many years. A lifetime.
“You can...do the rest, I’m sure,” she said, and tried to get up.
“No, I can’t.” He smoothed her cold hands to his belt. “Help me, Tat,” he whispered.
He lay back down. When he did that, she relaxed, just a little.
She managed a shaky smile. “I’ve never undressed anybody except myself,” she blurted out.
She unfastened the belt and pulled it out of the loops, noting the expensive leather it was made of as she dropped it into the chair beside the bed. She hesitated.
He pulled her hands to the fastening of his slacks. “I can’t sleep in my best clothes,” he said gently. “Keep going.”
“Rourke...”
“Shhh,” he coaxed. His hands smoothed hers down on the fastenings. “Just a little more. That’s it. Now put your hands under the waistbands and pull. That’s all you have to do.”
His voice was seducing her. She shouldn’t. She should get up and run. She was embarrassed and nervous. Her hands were shaking.
“You can’t be...that drunk,” she began.
“Hold on to that,” he said softly, and he lifted his hips and pushed both waistbands down.
She was looking at him without realizing what she was seeing for several shocked seconds. During them, he slid out of his slacks and boxer shorts and lay back down on the bed, his eyes on her wide-eyed, shocked face as she looked and looked.
He laughed with pure delight. He was aroused. Very aroused, despite the liquor. Her eyes were enhancing what was already a magnificent hunger. He shifted on the clean sheets and groaned softly.
“I’ve dreamed of this,” he whispered huskily. “Of letting you look at me like this, feeling your eyes on me.”
She was too shocked to reply or even to try to leave.
“Tat, at your age, you’ve surely seen photographs of men like this, even if you haven’t seen the real thing,” he chided.
“Well...yes,” she said in a choked tone.
“But...?”
“None...none of them looked like...like that,” she whispered, fascinated. “You’re...you’re beautiful,” she blurted out.
His face changed. He shifted again on the sheets and shivered.
“I should... I should...go,” she choked.
One long arm snaked gently around her waist and pulled her across him and down on the bed beside him.
He wasn’t aggressive. He didn’t demand. He unbuttoned her blouse and pulled it aside. His fingers went to the front catch of the lacy little bra and unfastened it. He moved it away and looked at her beautiful, pink-tipped breasts, the crowns hard.
“You were beautiful at seventeen like this,” he said quietly. “But you’re more beautiful now.”
She couldn’t even manage words. Her heart was beating her to death.
“What...are you going to do?” she asked with helpless apprehension, because she knew that she couldn’t stop him, didn’t want to stop him. She was almost shivering with a hunger that had eight years of abstinence behind it.
“I’d very much like to put my mouth on your breast and suckle you until I made you come,” he whispered. “The way I did when you were seventeen. Remember, Tat?” His voice was soft and sensual as he looked at her bare breasts. “You were shocked at first, and after you went over the edge you cried. I kissed you and moved on top of you. I had your lacy little panties halfway down your legs and my pants unzipped. And we heard footsteps.”
She was trembling. “Yes.”
“I hurt like hell. I never thought I could stop, even then.” He drew in a long, unsteady breath. “I lived on that night for years.”
“Before or after you started going through beautiful women like tissues?” she asked with weary cynicism.
He wasn’t going to get into that. “You don’t understand what it was like,” he said quietly. “Have you ever wanted someone so much that it was like physical torture to be near them at all?”
Her head rocked on the mattress. “Not really,” she confessed.
“I wanted you to the point of madness, Tat,” he said softly. “And I couldn’t even touch you.” He smiled, but it was a hollow smile.
“So that was why...”
“That was why.” He drew in another breath. He stared down at her relaxed body, at the taut little breasts open to his eye. “So beautiful,” he whispered.
“You...haven’t touched me,” she said.
“I know. I’m not going to.”
Her expression wasn’t easily read. “Is it...because of the scars?”
His eye went to the scars, faint white lines where that butcher, Miguel, had cut her when she was a prisoner in Sapara’s jail. His face was dangerous. “I killed him, Tat. I wish I could have spared you what happened.”
Her fingers went up to his mouth and pressed there. They were cold.
He kissed them tenderly. “Those scars are marks of honor,” he whispered. “And I want very much to kiss them. But I can’t.”
“You...can’t?”
He moved away from her, just a little, and coaxed her eyes down to the raging masculinity below his belt line.
She flushed.
“I can’t,” he repeated. “Because our first time isn’t going to be when I’m too damned stinking drunk to do justice to you.”
He sat up, tugged her up and put her bra and blouse back on. He nuzzled his nose against hers, but he didn’t kiss her. “Don’t take this the wrong way. But get out of here.”
She got to her feet. He pulled the sheet across his hips and lay back with a smile.
She didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t offering anything but a sensual experience at some point in the future. He could take her and walk away. She would die a thousand deaths.
She bit her lip. “Stanton, I’m engaged...”
He studied her intently. “You want me,” he whispered. “I want you. How is the beloved physician going to feel when we go at each other like starving wolves?”
“That won’t happen,” she said, clenching her teeth.
The tension left his face. He looked at her quietly. “It will. And you know it. I can’t walk away from you again, Tat. I’m not even going to try. I’ll sober up in the morning.” It was almost a threat. His eye narrowed. “And when I do, there won’t be any place on earth you can go to get away from me.”
“I’m going...to be married,” she said harshly.
“To a man you neither love nor want,” he said. “You’ve never really seen how aggressive I can be when I want something. You’re going to find out.”
She flushed. The past few minutes had been entirely too stimulating. “I’m going home!”
He nodded slowly. “For now.”
She turned and almost ran from the room. He watched her, his eye full of longing as she closed the door firmly behind her. He smiled to himself.
* * *
All the way to Manaus, Clarisse kept going over the night before in her head. Rourke wanted her. It was almost unbelievable that he’d let someone convince him that she and he were related. She tried to see it from his point of view. She grimaced. If that had been reversed, if she’d thought they were related... Her eyes closed on a wave of pain. She’d have done the same. She would have wanted him to hate her, so that she didn’t give in to her hunger, so that she didn’t slip.
He’d been different last night. Tentative, when Rourke was never tentative. Then he’d treed a bar. She couldn’t recall that he’d ever done anything like that. He’d threatened the man who came on to her; he’d been violent. She’d never seen him so out of control. Why had he been drinking in the first place?
Then she remembered. She’d told him she was marrying Ruy Carvajal. Had that set him off?
And was it just that he wanted her? Could he feel something for her, too, something powerful and overwhelming, the way she felt about him? She laughed silently. No. Rourke didn’t love her. He was fond of her, of course; they had a long history. And he certainly wanted her. He’d gone hungry for eight years, so now that the barriers were down, he was full of expectation, full of plans to seduce her. She wanted him, too, but once he had her, he’d go on to the next conquest. It wasn’t that he wanted her so much, it was that she’d been inaccessible to him.
But he’d had her in bed with him, half-naked, and he hadn’t even touched her. She flushed, recalling what he’d shown her, how aroused he’d been. Surely if it had been only physical, he’d never have hesitated. Of course, he’d been drinking...
She took the glass of champagne the stewardess offered and drained the glass. It made the hurt a little easier. She’d told Rourke no. Now she was going home to get married. She’d tell Ruy when he came home. He’d said he’d be away for three weeks. She’d tell him when he got back. He would be delighted. She’d help him regain his status in his community. She’d protect herself from being tempted to give in to Rourke’s hunger. It would benefit everyone.
The stewardess offered a refill. She accepted it. She drained the second glass. She was pleasantly numb. She didn’t drink, so the champagne affected her strongly. She closed her eyes, drifting away. Rourke wanted her, at last, at long last. But all he really wanted was one night in bed with her, after which he’d walk away and probably be just as abusive, just as taunting as he’d ever been in the past. Except this time he’d have real ammunition. He would be able to taunt her with giving in to him, if she was crazy enough to let him into her bed. She’d become what he’d always accused her of being.
Her heart jumped when she remembered what he’d said to her, while they were dancing and later, in his room. He knew she was innocent. But he’d known when they were dancing. How had he known?
She closed her eyes and let herself drift away. She was going home. She would marry Ruy. Rourke would return to Nairobi. She would be safe. Yes. Safe.
* * *
What she didn’t know was that a tall, blond man with a bloodshot pale brown eye was even at that moment buying a plane ticket to Manaus.