Fall was in full swing, and I was excited for Halloween and all things fall. I was decorating the library for the students. There wasn’t really a fall in Florida. The leaves didn’t change, and the air didn’t cool until well after Thanksgiving. I climbed off the ladder as I heard my phone chirp.

Kayden: I’ve been told to stop working. I just got a call from the main office.

Me: What? Why?

Kayden: They said there was an issue with my drug test or background check. I didn’t really understand. It’s bullshit. Let me call some of the guys and see what’s up. BRB.

Nothing had changed since his employment with the company began. His past was finally coming back to haunt him, even though it had been a year and a half since the incident with Lisa. There had to be some mistake or a mix-up with the paperwork.

Kayden: Okay. Five other people were pulled off the job too. Headquarters came in, did an audit, and found an error in my file. I’m fucked, Sophia. I was told they’re cracking down on background check results and their guidelines. I may not have a job anymore. Fuck.

Me: There must be a mistake. They’ll straighten it out. Don’t panic yet.

I felt ill at the thought of his world unraveling.

Kayden: I don’t know what I’ll do without work. I need to make some more calls and grab dinner. I’ll call you when I get home, okay?

Me: Yes, love. Take your time.

Sitting on my bed, I chewed my nails, staring at the wall.

What the fuck is he going to do? Where would he go? He lived in company housing, after all. Would they kick him out? The thoughts swirling through my mind only heightened my anxiety. I needed to release some stress and decided to go for a run. Kayden called me hours later.

“Hey,” I said answering the phone.

“Hi, baby doll. I’m making dinner and talking to Tom.” I could hear a chopping noise in the background and Tom’s loud voice. “I’ll text you around nine to Skype. We’re talking about work, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. Is that okay?”

I wrinkled my nose, annoyed that I was being brushed off. “Yes, don’t forget about me.”

“Babe, how could I ever forget about you? We’re just having a couple drinks and bullshitting. I’ll text, promise.”

“I love you, Kayden,” I said, wishing I could touch him at that moment.

“I love you, too, baby doll. Talk in a bit.” The line went dead.

I tried to keep myself busy reading books and watching television, but nothing took my mind off Kayden. He hadn’t sent me a message in hours. I flipped my phone in my hand, debating sending him a text first, but I couldn’t resist any longer.

Me: Hey, it’s almost nine. Are we going to Skype tonight, lover?

Nothing. What the fuck? Kayden had never ignored me. I texted him again, pacing around the room panicking. Silence.

Maybe his cell phone battery died. I sent a message to his tablet. I called his phone, letting it ring over ten times since he didn’t have voice mail. No answer. My heart sank. What happened to him? We hadn’t missed an evening since we met. He never disappeared. I felt lost and helpless with the distance between us.

My anger started to grow, and I needed to calm my nerves. Where was he? Who was he with? I couldn’t let my mind wander and question his faithfulness. Why did I have to be so insecure when it came to Kayden?

I mixed some vodka with whatever else I could find in the fridge, anything to make it slide down easier. I’d never been a drinker, but I needed to take the edge off. I swigged a mouthful of the fruity concoction, closed my eyes, and swallowed. The liquid slid down my throat, warming my body from the inside.

“Hey.” I jumped, startled by Suzy’s voice.

“Jesus, you scared the shit out of me,” I said, almost choking on my drink.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Kayden… He may have lost his job,” I said, taking another sip of my drink. “We were supposed to Skype tonight, but he’s disappeared.”

“Wait. What? He lost his job?”

“I just don’t know anything right now. I can’t get in touch with him. I’m going crazy, Suzy.” Suzy sat at the counter and watched me. “He was talking with the guys and making dinner last time I heard from him. That was over three hours ago.”

“I’m sure he’ll call you, Sophia. Kayden adores you. Don’t freak out…yet.” She tried to console me.

Her words didn’t help. They only made my anger grow. Kayden knew how important seeing him every night had become to me, didn’t he? I’d slept with my webcam on for over a month, always able to roll over and see him or talk to him. Not tonight. I felt unimportant.

Kayden and I had sent songs to express our feelings to each other throughout our relationship. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me tonight. I selected a song that I knew would be a punch to his gut. I sent him the link to . It was a brutal song, but it conveyed my feelings perfectly at the moment. Let him choke on it for a bit. I hit send.

“Fuck it. I’m going to bed, Suzy.” I couldn’t tell Suzy what I just sent to Kayden. I already regretted it.

“Okay, but he’ll call. It’ll all work out,” she said with sadness in her eyes.

“I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks, Suzy.” I walked toward my room, staring at my phone, wishing I could cancel my last message.

I crawled into bed, cocooning myself in the blankets, and shut the world out. My eyes grew heavy from the never-ending tears.

I tossed and turned all night, unable to stop my mind from thinking the worst. I checked my phone over a dozen times, but Kayden never replied. I must have drifted off at some point because the next thing I knew, the clock read ten in the morning

I forced myself to get up. I needed caffeine. I felt numb, and my mind was hazy. I heard my phone chirp from where I stood in the kitchen. I turned my attention away from the brewing pot to the hallway. I wanted to run to see if it was Kayden, but I didn’t want to seem too eager. He’d turned me into a crazy person in a short time. I’d never acted like this before with anyone. I walked slowly to my room and grabbed my phone, unable to resist the urge to talk to him any longer.

Kayden: Morning, beautiful. Sorry I fell asleep last night.

How should I respond to him? I didn’t know what to say or how to deal with someone like him.

Kayden: WTF with the song, babe?

I swallowed hard because I knew it was a scathing song. I knew it would hurt him. When I sent it, I didn’t give a fuck.

Me: It fit how I felt last night. I’m sorry.

Kayden: It’s mean. It starts out sweet, but it was like a slap in the face.

I felt like a total piece of shit. He had a shitty day, and I was being a bitch.

Me: You didn’t just fall asleep last night, Kayden.

Kayden: I know. We were talking and drinking, and I came in my room to call you, but I must have passed out or fallen asleep.

Me: Why didn’t you call this morning instead of text? Have a hangover?

I knew my remark sounded snide, but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to be the one he turned to and the one he leaned on.

Kayden: A bit. Let me get up and get myself straight, and I’ll call you in a bit.

Me: Fine, but don’t forget about me this time.

Kayden: I could NEVER forget about you.

I already felt left behind, forgotten.

Me: Felt like it last night.

Kayden: I’m sorry, Sophia. I’ll make it up to you.

Me: Call me in a bit. I’m going to have some coffee, and I have things to do.

Kayden: Okay, baby doll. I’ll talk to you in a bit.

I wanted to throw my phone or slap him in the face. The anger inside me hadn’t subsided from last night.

Me: Okay. I’ll be around.

Kayden: I love you.

I knew he loved me, but I didn’t feel important anymore. He always made me feel like I was the center of his universe, a vital part of his day, but that feeling had vanished.

Me: Love you too.

I dressed, grabbed my coffee, and headed for the door. I wanted to keep myself busy today. It was a Saturday, and I hoped Kayden and I would spend much of the day Skyping. He never had a day off when we were apart, and I wanted to take advantage of every minute available. I wanted to get my errands done quickly to free up my afternoon for him.

My phone rang a couple hours later on the way to my last stop. Kayden’s name appeared on my screen, and my heart thumped in my chest like it always did when seeing his name. He hadn’t forgotten about me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi. Whatcha been doing?” I asked.

“Listening to this fucking song,” he slurred.

Fuck! Was he drunk? My heart sank.

“Have you been drinking already?”

“A bit, but I can’t stop listening to this song. It’s so fucking mean, Sophia.”

“Jesus, really? How much have you had already?”

“Enough.” I heard “Never There” in the background.

“Fucking amazing. I can’t believe you are drinking this early, Kayden.” I closed my eyes, a sense of doom filling me. “Call me back when you get sober.” I clicked off the phone.

It was early, and he had already drunk enough for it to affect him. Was this how he handled a crisis? What more didn’t I know about Kayden—drinking alone and drinking heavily? He disappeared again. I assumed he passed out. I finished my errands and returned home.

Throughout the day, sporadic text messages popped up on my phone from Kayden, none of them making sense. He never stuck around long enough to hold a conversation; although I doubt he had the ability to form a coherent thought.

“Hey.” Suzy knocked on my bedroom door.

“Come in, Suzy.”

“Let’s go. Get ready. The girls will be here in an hour. We’re all going out,” Suzy stated firmly.

“I don’t feel like it, Suzy.” I shook my head.

“You’re not sitting here all night waiting for him. Up, come on.” She pulled my arm to get me moving.

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t want to sit home and worry about him. He didn’t seem to worry about me. Suzy was right. I needed to get out and enjoy some time with my girls.

“Okay. I’ll get ready,” I said, climbing off my bed to rifle through my closet.

Kayden had a bottle of booze to keep him company. I had my girlfriends to fill the void caused by his total absence. I’d be damned if I’d stay home sitting by the phone and waiting for his call.

* * *

Worried about Kayden, I booked a flight to New Orleans on Friday. I needed to be with him, and he needed to be with me.

I’d always told myself I would never get involved with anyone who was an addict. I’d always steered clear of drugs in my life, but alcohol was everywhere. Could he control himself, or was he an alcoholic?

I wanted to think that if he was, I had the ability to save him. I wanted to be the good in his life that made him want to change. I needed to talk with him and find out exactly what was happening. I loved Kayden, and I was in too deep to turn my back on him.

When the plane touched down, I found a cab driver willing to take me to his apartment. I was so nervous and hadn’t talked to Kayden since yesterday. I stared out the window and rubbed my sweaty palms together. Was I crazy to show up unannounced? I had to know he was okay. I had to see it for myself. I texted Kayden a few times during the drive but received no response. The taxi pulled into the parking lot where it all began—our first kiss and all the happiness and joy that I felt we would have together.

I walked to the door, hoping someone would be home to let me in. I knocked on the door and heard voices in murmured tones and laughing. I waited a moment before knocking again.

“Oh…hey, Sophia. What are you doing here?” Tom said as he began to close the door a little bit, so I couldn’t see the entire living room.

“I need to see Kayden.” I started to push against the door.

“He’s not here,” he said as he began to push back.

“I know he is, jerk. Just move out of my way,” I said as I pushed the door open. His truck’s in the parking lot. I just had to get to him.

Tom moved away after I pushed him into the wall behind the door. I walked through the apartment with all the men looking at me strangely. They all said hey to me but were on edge. I felt their eyes on my back as I reached Kayden’s door, but none of them tried to stop me. I thought about knocking, but I wanted to surprise him. I slowly turned the handle to make it as quiet as possible. I walked through the doorway and stopped dead in my tracks.

What the fuck?

Kayden was lying in bed, but he wasn’t alone. There was a girl snuggled up to him, and neither of them woke when I walked in.

I stood there for a moment and just stared. I recognized her from his postings on Facebook, but he said they were only friends. She must have been one of his girls before I became his only girl.

Her body was smashed against his with her arm draped over his stomach. She was wearing a tiny black tank top, but their lower bodies were covered by blankets except for their bare feet, tangled together.

I didn’t make a sound…stunned and heartbroken. The sight in front of me squeezed my heart, crushing it. I had worried about him, flying to be by his side, but he had found solace in the arms of another. I walked backward and closed the door to rid my eyes of the vision of Kayden and her.

Tom tried to stop me and explain, but what could he say? I didn’t want to hear it. I walked out, not looking back. Tears began to fall as I let myself feel the pain of his betrayal.

Keep walking, just keep walking. My mind was a jumble of emotions and numbness. I walked to the main street and hailed a cab.

“Where to?” the cab driver asked.

I fought through the tears to steady my voice, “Bourbon Street, please.”

“You okay, lady?”

“I will be,” I responded. I didn’t know where else to go. I needed a drink and wanted to forget the horrible image that was burned in my eyes.

I had enough time on the drive to try to regain my composure, fix my makeup, and gather my thoughts.

“Can you drop me at the Funky Pirate, please?” I requested.

The streets were filled with people stumbling and celebrating; the nightly party thrived. I needed the excitement and liquor to make me forget. I climbed out of the cab and grabbed my small overnight bag. I hadn’t brought much with me, thinking Kayden and I would spend the weekend in bed.

I was a fool. I found an empty seat at the bar, and the space was filled with happiness. A blues band played, and people were singing along, enjoying the funky music filling the air.

“A shot of vodka, please, and a chocolate martini,” I said to the female bartender. She placed the martini in front of me moments later. I stared at it for a moment before taking a large gulp. I swallowed it, slamming the glass back on the counter.

“Another martini, please,” I said to the bartender before she could walk away. Tears began to stream down my face. She placed the small glass filled with the vodka in front of me, but before her hands were totally free of the glass, I grabbed it. I downed it, feeling the warmth ooze throughout my body.

I felt the presence of someone standing beside me. I set the glass on the bar top before turning my head. A handsome man dressed in business attire watched me intently, studying my face.

“Can I help you?” I asked in a snotty voice.

“May I?” he asked, pointing to the stool next to me.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s free, isn’t it?”

“A pretty lady shouldn’t be drinking alone in this town,” he said, sitting down and calling over the waitress.

“Another for each of us,” he said.

“I’ll take another shot please,” I told her. I needed the alcohol and a lot of it. I didn’t care about anything but forgetting the entire night.

“What’s wrong? Maybe I can help,” he inquired.

“You can’t help,” I replied while staring at the bartender, hoping her feet would move faster.

He touched my hand, but I didn’t move away from his touch. “Maybe I can.”

“It will take a lot more liquor to accomplish that task,” I said as I wiped a tear away from my cheek.

“What happened?”

“You don’t want to hear my sad story.”

“Yes, I do. Tell me, maybe I can help you,” he said.

I stared into his eyes, studying him.

“I flew here to surprise my boyfriend, but when I got to his place, he was in bed with another woman.” I downed the drink and set the glass down in front of me.

“That’s horrible. How could he cheat on an amazing creature such as you?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes. He’d done this before. I didn’t give a shit at that moment. I needed to share my story, let out my anger. “I guess I wasn’t enough for him. I should have known he was a whore and wouldn’t change his ways. I’m a fucking fool.” The tears began to stream down my face once again. I grabbed the martini and gulped it. The liquor warmed my body. My legs grew numb, and my mind became a jumbled mess.

He reached for my cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb. “He’s the fool. I would love for a woman to fly to see me, someone who loved me enough to travel a great distance for my company.”

I leaned into his palm—needing the physical connection. I closed my eyes, and images of Kayden flooded the darkness. We’d spent time in this bar—kissing, touching, laughing, and drinking.

“Another drink?” he asked.

My eyes flew open, and the happy memories evaporated. I reached into my purse and looked at my phone. I’d missed a dozen phone calls and more texts from Kayden. I turned it off, putting it back in my purse.

The handsome gentleman kept the drinks flowing, and numbness was soon filling my entire body and soul. Everything around me moved in slow motion. Staring in the mirror behind the bar, I tried bringing my face into focus, but I couldn’t make out any of my features.

A hand covered mine to bring my attention back to my surroundings.

I turned to the gentleman and pleaded, “Kiss me, make me forget.”

He turned my chair toward his, placing his hand on my neck. He paused for a moment, staring into my eyes—I didn’t speak.

His lips touched mine, hard and wet. I thought it would help me forget, but my mind played a private movie of Kayden and his kiss. I craved him. He intoxicated me. This kiss made me feel nothing but an emptiness that couldn’t be filled. This was wrong.

“What the fuck are you doing?” a man screamed.

The body of the stranger lurched away from mine, and my eyes flew open. I tried to focus, but just keeping them open was a struggle. The handsome gentleman was falling to the floor, and someone was moving on top of him. He looked like Kayden, but I had to be seeing things.

The businessman was being pummeled, and I couldn’t do anything but watch. My head felt heavy as I placed it on the bar and tried to stop the room from spinning until darkness consumed me.