---

Christy Thomas took a deep breath and then another.

It didn’t work. She was still shaking and unable to focus on her reflection in the mirror.

With both hands planted firmly on the counter top, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried again.

One, two, three.

The counting technique her holistic healer had taught her was not working. Christy swallowed hard, opened her eyes and stared at her reflection. Maybe it was the fluorescent lighting of the clinic’s bathroom that made her look so puffy and old.

Maybe. But not likely. It was her.

Christy hardly recognized herself lately. When had she become this worn out version of herself? The hot tears pricked at her eyes and threatened to spill over.

Again.

The worst part was she wouldn’t be able to stop them. She’d always been an emotional person, but with all the hormones the doctors had her taking, it was next level out of control.

She was exhausted.

And it wasn’t over.

“Come on, Christy,” she whispered to the woman in the mirror. “You can do this. Pull it together.”

She tried her breathing exercises once more and pulled out her compact in a vain effort to cover the red blotches on her cheeks and the dark circles under her eyes. When she’d done the best she could, Christy snapped the compact shut, stood as straight as she could and pasted what she hoped would pass as a smile on her face.

“There you are,” her husband Mark said as soon as he saw her. He pushed up from the wall where he’d been leaning, tucked his phone into his back pocket and reached for her hand. “I was beginning to think you may have fallen in.” He gave her a grin that was as equally fake as the one she wore on her own face. “Are you ready for this?”

How was she supposed to answer that question? Was she ready to lay on the doctor’s examination table like some sort of specimen to see if their latest round of In Vitro Fertilization and hormone therapies had worked, and they were finally, thankfully, mercifully pregnant?

Yes. She was ready for that.

But Mark’s question was two sided.

Was she ready to lie on that table surrounded by doctors, nurses and students and hear the news that once again, the ultrasound revealed the treatments hadn’t worked, and now, not only were they not pregnant, but they were completely out of options? Was she ready for that?

No.

Instead of saying exactly what she was thinking, Christy nodded and with cheer she didn’t feel said, “Absolutely. Let’s do this.”

Mark’s hand felt clammy in hers. Not the usual warm strong support that he usually offered her with a simple touch.

When had that changed?

As they walked slowly down the hallway to Doctor Duncan’s office, Christy snuck a look at her tall, strong husband. Even as teenagers he’d always been a foot taller than her. The way he’d wrap his arms around her had always made her feel safe and protected, like nothing bad could ever happen.

If only things were still so simple. If only she could be protected from sadness and bad news, with only Mark shielding her. But it wasn’t like that anymore.

“I have a good feeling about it this time.” Mark squeezed her hand. “It’s different this time, isn’t it?”

Different than the last two times? Only in the sense that instead of the overwhelming feeling of hope and anticipation, Christy who was generally unwaveringly positive and optimistic to the point of occasionally being annoying to her friends and family, couldn’t for the life of her, find anything to smile at these days.

At least not genuinely.

“It is, isn’t it?” Mark asked again.

She nodded and like the good wife she was, smiled. “It is.” She lied. Because it didn’t feel any different than the last few times they’d been through the process. She didn’t have any tingling in her breasts, no feeling of fullness or miraculous twinge that signified that there was now a new life growing in her womb. None of the things that women described in her online forums applied to her. But then again, not everyone experienced a moment when they just knew. Maybe she was one of those women?

With her free hand she crossed her fingers.

It couldn’t hurt.

“Do you feel pregnant?”

She opened her mouth to lie again but thankfully, Dr. Duncan’s nurse, Amanda, greeted them. “Mr. and Mrs. Thomas. Welcome back.” She smiled warmly the way she always did. She’d likely been trained to always be optimistic and hopeful without giving patients a false sense of security that they would be receiving good news. “Let’s take you right back and get you set up.”

Christy followed Amanda numbly down the small corridor to the exam room she already knew too well. The last time she’d been there was to have their last three embryos implanted in her uterus. It seemed crazy that they were the last ones. They were the last three hopes she and Mark had for a baby.

Dr. Duncan had warned against a multiple pregnancy, but those warnings seemed a world away. Not that twins or even triplets would be anything to be warned against, but also because the idea that even one embryo would stick seemed so unlikely to Christy’s battered heart there was no way she could conceivably imagine multiples.

Amanda gave her a gown to change into and left the room so she could have a moment of privacy with Mark while she got situated for the exam that would change their lives either way. Mark bent and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Whatever the doctor says, it’s okay. It’ll all be okay.” The tears that had been threatening all day, were suddenly gone. Ironically when she would have welcomed them the most. When she would have welcomed any feeling at all, except for the deep sense of emptiness that filled her.

---

***

Mark held tight to his wife’s hand, willing her to be okay. He no longer wished for a successful pregnancy, although of course he wanted that. But more than anything he just wanted Christy to be okay. More and more over the last few months, during this last round of IVF, he felt her changing, hardening somehow.

At first he thought it was just the stress of the treatments that was causing the shift in his usual light hearted wife. But more and more he worried that it was something bigger.

“Good afternoon,” Doctor Brian Duncan greeted them in the same welcoming way he always did. It must be a mixed bag to be a fertility doctor as opposed to having a general practice like his own. Sure, Brian would have all of the highs of helping people get pregnant and realize their dreams to start a family. But there would also be the flip side of that coin. Breaking hearts.

The way he’d done with them. Up until now.

Mark refused to think anything but positive thoughts. This time was going to be different. It had to be different. Mark himself had seen it in his own practice for years. Especially with the couples he’d referred to Dr. Duncan. In Vitro fertilization was becoming more and more successful. The success rates were strong. It was more unusual for it not to work.

The statistics were in their favor.

It had to work.

Especially since this last round had eaten up the last bit of their savings. IVF was expensive, and insurance wasn’t much help. Mark didn’t want to tell Christy that he’d had to cash in a retirement fund he’d set up as well as taking out a line of credit in order to make the final payment for this treatment. She thought they’d been able to use their savings. Mark hated keeping things like that from her and it was the only time he’d ever flat out lied to her in their relationship, but it was only to protect her.

She had enough going on with the hormone treatments and the emotional madness that cycled through her on a daily basis. He couldn’t worry her about the financial side of things.

Besides, it would pay off when they held their very own baby in their arms. It would more than pay off. And there was no way she could be mad at him then.

“How are you both doing today?” Dr. Duncan looked at them each in turn, but his smile faded a little as his gaze landed on Christy. “How are you feeling, Christy? Has everything been okay this round?”

She nodded and that same smile that Mark had seen a little too often lately—the one that didn’t quite reach her eyes and create the cute little crinkle in the corners that he loved so much—slid across her face. “I’m a little tired, Doctor. But otherwise, I’m just fine.”

The doctor patted her hand, but he still looked concerned. “Well, it’s normal for you to be tired. After all, your body is working very hard.”

Christy’s smile dropped away. Mark knew what she was thinking. That her body wasn’t working hard. Because if it were, they’d already be pregnant. But this was the time it was going to work. He knew it.

“Well, why don’t we take a look at what’s going on in there, shall we?”

It was Mark that answered with a simple nod of his head.

Dr. Duncan and his nurse Amanda kept up an easy line of conversation and chatter that Mark knew was designed to put them at ease, but he wasn’t listening. He was focused on his wife’s face. She’d been crying for the littlest reasons for months. Like toast that was slightly browner than she would have preferred, or just that morning the fact that there were no seeds in the raspberry jam. But now, lying on the exam table waiting for the news that they were going to be parents. Or not—He had to remind himself—she was straight faced with no glimmer of emotion or…anything really.

He squeezed Christy’s hand and she met his gaze.

I love you. He mouthed the words but she didn’t respond. Instead, she squeezed her eyes shut as Dr. Duncan placed the ultrasound wand on her belly.

“It’s going to be a little cool,” he said despite the fact that they all knew he heated the ultrasound gel, but no one said anything.

***

---

She’d known going in what the results would be.

No baby.

Not even one.

She wasn’t pregnant.

Again.

Leaving the clinic felt final this time. They wouldn’t be back. There were no more embryos and no more money. That was it.

Christy knew Mark felt it too, the sense of finality when the glass door swung gently shut behind them in a soft whoosh that felt incongruous with how she was feeling. Thankfully, after the Doctor Duncan finished his exam, she was able to get dressed and they could leave. After all, there was nothing more he could say.

And then finally, mercifully they were back in the car driving away from the clinic and the doctor that despite his best efforts couldn’t give them what they so desperately wanted.

“We can go…” Mark let the sentence fall away unfinished. “Christy? Are you…are we…”

Numb, she tucked her hands between her legs to keep him from reaching for them. She couldn’t stand the idea of being touched. Not right then.

“I love you.”

She forced a small smile. “I know. I love you too.”

That was the hardest part. Their love for each other. It just didn’t seem fair. They loved each other so much and they’d done everything right. They’d been safe in high school and all through college, using protection so they wouldn’t start a family until they were ready and able to give their child everything he or she deserved. And then it was time. After they were married and settled back into their home town of Timber Creek, with a house of their own that had spare bedrooms to fill, it was finally time to start the family they’d both dreamed about since they were high school sweethearts and barely more than children themselves.

But it hadn’t happened.

She didn’t want to cry. She wanted to stay numb so she couldn’t feel the overwhelming sense of loss inside her knowing she’d never be a mother. She swallowed hard to keep the tears down. She wouldn’t cry. She couldn’t.

“Christy.” Marks’s voice was soft, almost as if he knew if he spoke too loudly she would crack and break. “There are other things we can—”

“Can we just not talk about this right now?” She kept her eyes fixed to the road in front of them and the thick pine forest that lined the highway. She unrolled the window and inhaled the pine filled air. It was a smell that never failed to ground her. “Let’s just not talk about it for a few days, okay?” She looked at him then and could see the confusion on his face. Maybe it didn’t make sense to him, but it did to her. She needed a break. Even for a few days of not having this dominate her every waking moment.

She’d tried to use the Timber Creek High School reunion party as a distraction, but that had been over for months. Besides, even when she filled her days with business to distract her, it was never enough.

It was always there. Right under the surface.

“I just need a few days, Mark. Please.”

“Okay.” He nodded and turned his attention back to the road but Christy could see the hurt lined on his face. It wasn’t just her that this experience had taken a toll on. Mark was hurting just as deeply as she was. It wasn’t just her who’d wanted parenthood.

She knew that. Of course she did. But knowing it and doing something about it, were two very different things and even though it made her sick inside, she just couldn’t bring herself to reach out to him and with every minute that passed, she hated herself a little bit more for it.

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