Chapter Eight
I’m an asshole, Jake thought the next morning as he sat in his office at the Myrtle Beach DeSanto headquarters. He’d evaded Lydia’s question about their future last night and had been relieved when she hadn’t called him on it. Truthfully, he hadn’t known what to say. He’d never expected to feel the array of confusing emotions that had come with becoming intimately involved with the woman who was legally his wife. Hell, even that word still turned him on. How powerful it felt to have one woman who belonged with you. Even if it was just on paper.
As much as it called to the alpha inside him, it confused the hell out of a guy who’d never spent much time in relationships. His career had always come first to him. It had been years since he’d had more than a casual relationship with a woman. Then in one crazy night, he’d gotten married to someone he barely knew. His wild attraction to the mixture of strength and innocence that shone so brightly from Lydia hadn’t waned—in fact, it had only grown stronger the more time they spent together.
He felt like a coward now, though, for avoiding the relationship talk she’d wanted to have. He’d already picked up on the fact that she had a shy side, and it must have been tough for her to initiate something like that. It wasn’t in a man’s DNA to admit that he was clueless as to what was happening or where it was going. But that’s exactly how he felt. He knew damn sure that he wasn’t ready for it to be over, though. Possibly, it made him a selfish prick for wanting everything that she had to give him while not being able to give her any answers in return.
He was so mired in his thoughts that he almost jumped from his chair when a voice suddenly asked, “Everything running smoothly in Boston this morning?” He looked up to see Mark propped against the doorway, looking faintly amused. “You were a million miles away, weren’t you, and I don’t think it had anything to do with Boston.”
For the first time in ages, he felt like a blushing schoolboy. When he was in the office, his mind was on work. He didn’t sit around daydreaming about a woman. To get busted doing just that felt beyond strange. “It’s nothing.” He shrugged. “Just getting things straight in my head for the day.”
He and Mark didn’t really have a touchy-feely relationship; heck, most men didn’t, so he was surprised when his boss came in and settled in a chair in front of his desk. “How are things going with the new wife?”
Quirking a brow, Jacob asked, “Shouldn’t that be a question for you to answer? You’re the newlywed fresh from his honeymoon.”
“I am,” Mark agreed, looking supremely satisfied. “But you tied the knot more suddenly and under rather unusual circumstances. Frankly, I figured you’d have had the marriage annulled by now, or if necessary, been in the process of a divorce. But Crystal tells me that things are going well between you and Lydia. Which I knew anyway since you had no beef with Denny taking over much of the travel here. You once loved living out of a suitcase just as much as I did, so I’m thinking she’s the difference for you.”
“Are you saying I’m slacking on my job?” Jacob asked incredulously. “If Denny has complained—”
“Denny is as happy as a fat cat with an unlimited food supply,” Mark cut in. “He’s single and currently not seeing anyone so the travel is exciting to him. I’d hazard a guess to say it’s the best part of his new job. You go above and beyond for me, so there are no worries there. I was simply making a point that you’re content being in town more now, and I’m happy for you. I don’t know Lydia that well, but Crystal has a very high opinion of her. Anyway, good luck with—”
Mark was getting to his feet when Jacob blurted out, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
The other man looked startled at his outburst before lowering himself back down and asking wryly, “I’m guessing we aren’t talking about work since you can do that in your sleep.”
“No.” Jacob shook his head. “It’s Lydia—my wife. She’s amazing with my daughter and I’m running home every day like a love-struck fool just to be around her for the evening. I swear to you, I almost asked her the other night if she wanted to do the crossword puzzle in the paper with me.”
Obviously trying but failing to hide his smirk, Mark asked, “And that’s a problem why?”
“I’ve never done a fucking puzzle before in my life, man. Have you?” Jacob demanded.
Chuckling, Mark said, “No, can’t say as I have. But there’s nothing wrong with it. It shows that you want to do whatever is necessary to spend time with your wife. People change when they get married. You find yourself doing stuff you wouldn’t normally do. Hell, I bought my first box of tampons a couple of weeks ago. Walked straight into Walgreens, picked up the box, and dropped it on the counter like I was purchasing a case of large-size condoms. Then I grabbed the box before the kid could even bag it and ended up walking down four fucking aisles of traffic in the parking lot with them. So, yeah, your crossword dilemma doesn’t exactly blow me away. It only gets worse, my friend. But I’m happy as a pig rolling in shit, so what the hell does it matter?”
Jacob burst out laughing at Mark’s analogy. He couldn’t imagine the uptight control freak that Mark DeSanto had always been admitting to buying tampons and being happy about it. Maybe his paranoia was ruining what could be something good between him and Lydia. He’d already married her so didn’t he owe it to them both to give it a try? After only a few weeks, he couldn’t imagine going back to his life without her—that had to say an awful lot about his feelings for her. Looking at his boss, and friend, he said sincerely, “Thank you for that. I’m a little worried about what you’ve done in the name of love so far, but hey, no judgment here, brother. I’m sure I’d do the same if Lydia really needed it. I’d damn well get that bag before I left the store, though.”
Mark laughed, and then got back to his feet once more. “Oh, you’ll do that and more, my friend. It will scare the total hell out of you at the lengths you’re willing to go to for the woman you love. I was almost scared enough to pack up and run a few times, but luckily, I got my head on straight and realized I’d be throwing away the best thing to ever happen to me. Now, if we’re finished discussing your feelings, how about we call Boston and chew some ass this morning? I’m afraid I’ve run out of nice where the damn manager is concerned there.”
“It’s about fucking time.” Jacob grinned, glad not only to hear his boss sounding more like himself, but also grateful for the insight the other man had given him. He still didn’t have a plan in place or much of an idea of where to go next, but the one thing he was damn certain of was that he didn’t want his wife to go anywhere. If she was willing to grade him on a learning curve, then he wanted to give whatever was between them a chance to grow into more. As if he needed further convincing, it was nine in the morning and he couldn’t wait to go home to see her again. Maybe he’d sneak up to her floor in a few hours to say hello. He wasn’t sure who that would shock the most, though—him or her.
* * *
Lydia had stopped by Starbucks on the way into the office and picked up a coffee and muffins to celebrate Crystal’s first day back at work. She was so excited to have her friend just across the hallway again. They took a few minutes to enjoy their breakfast while Lydia brought her up-to-date on everything that she’d missed business-wise while she was gone. Then she hadn’t bothered to stop for a lunch break since she was still full from her earlier treat. So it was almost two in the afternoon when there was a knock on her door. Looking up, she was surprised to see Jake standing there looking incredibly hot in his charcoal gray suit. “Hi,” she said softly. That’s my husband, she thought dreamily. A quick check showed that he was indeed wearing his wedding band. She’d yet to see him without it, but it was good to know he wasn’t leaving it in his desk drawer during the day. For a moment she had the desire to run up and down the hallways yelling that very fact at the top of her lungs. Because that wouldn’t seem insane at all.
“Hey, yourself,” he murmured as he walked straight over to where she was sitting and dropped a kiss onto her lips. “I was on my way back from a meeting with Jason and thought I’d stop by for a minute.”
Beaming her approval, she said, “I’m so glad you did. How’s your day going?” Tone it down; don’t scare him off by seeming too eager.
“Better now,” he thrilled her by admitting. Clearing his throat, he shifted on his feet before asking, “Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?” Before she could answer, he shoved his hands in his pockets and began pacing her office. “I know we have dinner together most nights, but I haven’t um . . . really taken you out on a date. Which is pretty shabby of me and I owe you an apology for that. You cook for us every evening and I’m not sure if I’ve even thanked you. I—”
“Jake,” Lydia interrupted his adorable rambling before he could beat himself up further. “You always thank me and you usually clean the kitchen up as well. I’d love to go out with you tonight, but please believe that I’ve really enjoyed the routine we’ve developed at home. I haven’t felt neglected or whatever it is that you’re worried about. I believe we’re both still adjusting to our um . . . marriage.”
Appearing relieved, he gave her a bright smile. “That’s good, sweetheart. I’m glad to hear you say that. So if you want to come home after work, we can change and go somewhere nice and relaxing. I’ll take care of making the reservations. Is there any certain type of food that you prefer or don’t like at all?”
“Why don’t you surprise me,” Lydia suggested playfully. She doubted she’d taste the food anyway with Jake sitting across from her.
Coming to her side once again, his voice dropped as he said, “I plan to do just that all evening.” When he lifted her hair aside and pressed a kiss just below her ear, she thought she’d crawl out of her skin. “I’ll see you at home, my beauty,” he murmured before straightening and walking out the door.
Lydia sat there staring after him like some kind of sap, wondering if she’d somehow imagined the whole visit. They’d been having sex for weeks by this point, but this somehow felt different. His invitation and words had held a decidedly romantic tone. Maybe she’d gotten through to him last night, after all. He might not have wanted to have the relationship talk, but it appeared that he was letting her know without words that he wanted more than a fake marriage with benefits from her.
She spent the rest of the afternoon in giddy anticipation of her date. She was literally bouncing when she crossed the lobby of Danvers several hours later. She was walking through the revolving doors when she heard someone calling her name. She stopped abruptly in her tracks when she saw Brett’s mother, Connie, standing a few feet away. It had been a while since she’d spoken to the other woman so having her appear as if out of thin air was more than a little shocking. Attempting to gather her composure, she approached the woman with whom she had once been so close. “Connie, what a nice surprise. Is everything okay?” she asked, concerned that something had happened to Brett’s father or brother.
Connie reached out, touching Lydia’s arm. “Honey, I’ve been worried about you. I’ve stopped by your apartment a few times, but you weren’t there. And Mike and I changed cell phones last month and we didn’t have your phone number programmed into the new ones. I finally decided to come and check on you myself. I just knew something had to be wrong for you to miss Brett’s birthday. I thought maybe you’d gone without me, but there were no new flowers there and you always bring some.”
Lydia was dimly aware that the other woman continued to talk, but it was impossible to focus on the words over the roaring in her head. Oh my, God, I forgot him! I didn’t visit Brett on his birthday. Looking back, she was pretty sure she made some excuse to Connie about needing to be somewhere, but she wasn’t positive. The only thing she knew was that she had to get away.
She had no idea how she got to her car, but suddenly, she was driving toward Rolling Green’s Cemetery. Her stomach was churning and tears rolled relentlessly down her checks as the guilt threatened to suffocate her. Then a fresh wave of horror hit as she wondered if Connie had noticed the wedding ring on her finger. First, she’d missed Brett’s birthday, and then, she hadn’t even had the courtesy to tell the Morgans that she had gotten married. She and Jake might still be in the process of figuring what their relationship status would entail, but she still should have warned them. She didn’t want them to hear about it from someone else. They’d be so hurt.
As she turned into the serene grounds that were Brett’s final resting place, Lydia parked in the first space that she came to and flew out of the car. I forgot the flowers, she thought hysterically. But she didn’t want to turn back now. She’d bring them back later. His tombstone was located near a gorgeous crape myrtle tree. The blooms were vibrant pink and attempted to bring cheer to an area that normally knew only sorrow. Lydia liked to think that he enjoyed the beautiful blooms that covered the area around his grave.
Her hands were shaking as she found a grassy spot next to his headstone and sat down, not caring if she ruined the dress she was wearing. “I’m so sorry I missed your birthday. So much is going on that you don’t know about, but that’s no excuse. Brett, you were the most important person in my life for so many years. We grew into the adults that we wanted to be together. And if not for cancer taking you away, we’d be married right now and possibly even have a family. But we didn’t get that,” she sobbed. “Instead, I’ve married a man I don’t know to help him keep his daughter. I know that’s not something you can understand because I’ve never been an impulsive person. But the night it happened, I was sad and so lonely. One of my best friends had gotten married and I kept thinking it should have been us. Jake—that’s his name—was going through problems of his own. And we’d both had too much to drink. I ended up marrying him that night, and even though he tried to make it right, I’ve committed to staying with him and helping him keep his daughter. If you could see Casey, you’d understand that she’s worth it. And Jake is a wonderful father to her.”
Leaning her head sideways until it rested against the cold stone, she whimpered, “I shouldn’t be telling you all of this. I was supposed to be your wife, not his. But not only were you my fiancé, you were also the best friend I have ever had. I’ve been so lost without you to share everything with. Even if you’re disappointed or angry over what I’ve done, I hope a part of you will, at least, try to understand how alone I’ve felt since you left. As much as you tried to prepare me for a life without you, I still barely kept my head above water some days. Instead of living the way you wanted me to, I hid away thinking no one would understand or care what I was going through. And for a while, I was mad at others for being happy when I was so miserable. I didn’t understand why they were given everything they wanted, and you were ripped away from me. One of my biggest mistakes was in hiding how I was feeling from my friends and family. They thought I was doing so well, but I wasn’t. I went to work each day and said the right things then came home at night and curled into a ball of misery until it was time to do it all over again. I always had a ready excuse to avoid any socializing or interaction outside of my job. I did this for three years, Brett. Then Crystal Webber became my assistant at Danvers, and she was going through a divorce. I could tell the first time I looked into her face that she was dealing with a lot more than a broken marriage. So over the next few months, she and I bonded somewhat and I was finally doing small things like going to a movie or to dinner. I don’t know if I’ve ever told her how much credit she deserves for breaking through the shell I’d constructed around myself.”
Wiping her face with her sleeve, she continued, “As I began opening up to her, other parts of my life seemed to come alive as well. For the first time since you were gone, I was feeling something beyond grief again. I saw blue skies where there had only been gray. The world was slowly gaining some vibrancy, and even as I wanted to revel in it, I also felt guilt that you weren’t here to experience it with me. It was a slow process, but I was starting to find myself again. Although I still didn’t really know the me without you. Then one day, I met Jacob Hay when my car wouldn’t start.”
Laughing, Lydia looked up at the darkening sky. “I know you were always on me about car maintenance. But at least, that time, Jake was around and he took care of it for me. Nothing happened after that, though, before that night at the wedding. I mean I thought about him, but I didn’t have the nerve to seek him out.” She wondered if it would have been any different if she had followed up on their first meeting. Somehow, she thought not. In a way, it seemed as if they were destined to be the last two people sitting at the table that night, completely lost in their own misery.
Lydia thought she must be insane, but she felt as if she couldn’t leave the cemetery without letting Brett know everything that was happening with Jake. She believed she owed him that much. He had encouraged her to find love again, although she had scoffed at the idea before his death. She hoped that if he could hear her words, maybe it would bring him peace to know that she was trying to do as he asked. She might have gone about the whole thing backward, but she was still putting herself out there and Jake was beginning to respond. “So today, Jake asked me out on a date and he was so adorably flustered while he was doing it. After my attempt at a relationship talk the previous night and his avoidance, I was quite surprised and thrilled that he came to me. But then I ran into your mother and she told me I’d missed your birthday and . . . I just lost it, Brett. It kills me to think of that day passing three days ago and, God, I’m so ashamed to say that I didn’t notice. I don’t know how long it would have taken me had your mother not found me.” And with that confession, Lydia was once again sobbing. She felt that by forgetting such an important day, her memories of Brett were also slipping through her fingertips. Even sitting here now, she could no longer picture the curves of his face accurately. Was his jaw square? Rounded? Once, she could have drawn it from memory without a second’s thought, but now, it was beginning to get fuzzy and that was enough to throw her into a panic. I’m losing the last part of him that I had. Soon, he’ll only be a shadow in my mind.
Lydia had no idea how long she sat there alternating between talking and wallowing in her sorrow at the loss of her first love. Was this the way it was for everyone who’d ever lost someone before their time? You think you’ve finally moved on, and then something happens to shake your very foundation. In this case, it was realizing that she’d let a day that had once been so vitally important completely slip her mind. Dusk was beginning to fall as she made her way on leaden feet back to her car. Looking at her watch, she realized that she was already late for her date with Jake. Not that she was really in the mood for it now anyway. He was probably wondering where she was, though. She pulled her phone from her purse, but there were no missed calls. Shrugging her shoulders, she put her seatbelt on and drove toward Jake’s house—or home as she’d come to think of it. Tonight, something about the whole scenario made her feel guilty. Maybe it was the weight of knowing she’d left Brett behind once again to find solace in Jake.
She was a few houses away when she spotted Chris’s car sitting in the driveway behind Jake’s truck. You have got to be kidding me. What else do you have in store for me today, universe? After parking on the other side of Jake’s truck in the garage, she squared her shoulders and entered the house through the kitchen door as usual. She considered it a major stroke of luck that no one was in sight. She paused long enough to wash her hands and attempt to tame her hair as best she could. Her clothes were smeared with dirt stains from sitting on the ground at the cemetery for so long, but she couldn’t do anything about it. There was no way she’d make it to the bedroom without someone seeing her. Chris is going to enjoy this so much.
Hearing voices from what seemed like the direction of the living room, Lydia moved quietly toward that part of the house until she was brought to an abrupt halt. The scene before her eyes was the absolute last thing that she needed on a night when she still felt so very raw. Casey was doing her best to show her parents the skills she’d recently picked up at her gymnastics class, which was adorable. What wasn’t as adorable was Jake laughing with his daughter as Chris stood nestled against his side with her arm around his waist. What in the hell?
This was the last straw—she’d hit her limit for the day. Backing out of the room quietly, she retraced her steps and was back in her car in less than a minute. She was absurdly grateful that she still had her apartment and that was where she planned to spend the night. When she arrived, she went straight to her bedroom and curled up in a ball on top of the bed. It appeared that the world was intent on giving Lydia Cross a giant kick in the ass, and she didn’t plan to stay awake to see where the next hit came from.