Chapter Two
Diego
After a restless night, I sip my second cup of espresso waiting for nine when she’ll walk in this building again and I can see her face. Letting her go last night felt almost as bad as it did ten years ago, but at least this time I know I have more time. For what I haven’t figured out yet. The man in me is struggling with all the things I thought I buried a long time ago. One look at her face and my desire is resurrected. What the hell I do with it is the question. I want her in my life, but how does my desire for her and my commitment to my vows coexist? I check my watch knowing the time is close. Eight-fifty. I exhale slowly. Any minute now.
I chose to wear my cassock today as reminder of who and what I am. Maybe the tangible clothing will help my rampant desire. I run my fingers through my hair and then turn to the door when I hear the soft knock. Likely Sister Louisa here to bust my balls over how slow she thinks the restoration is going. The slower the better to me. Then Julia will be here longer. I stand and open the door, stepping back in surprise.
“Buon giorno, Diego.”
I smile. “Morning, Julia. How are you today?”
“Good. I brought you a pastry.” She hands me a bag. “They just put them out, and they smelled so good I thought you might like one.”
“I would. Thank you.” I take the bag and peek into it. “Looks great.”
“I should get to work.”
“Come in for a moment.”
She steps inside my office as I close the door. “A cassock today? Is there mass or confession?”
I shake my head as I watch her as she glances around the room, running her hand over papers and books. She doesn’t seem to expect an answer.
“It’s nice in here.”
“Thank you.” I walk closer. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes. You?”
“No. I have a lot on my mind.”
“What do you normally do to relax?”
“Pray. Read. Think.”
“Did you try that?”
“Yes.” I set the bag on my desk. “I can’t get you out of my head.”
“Do you want to?”
“I’m not sure.”
She glances down for a moment. “When I got home, I didn’t know what to do either. My body longed to be close to you again.”
“I can relate.”
“So I lied in my bed and imagined us making love.”
“Julia…”
“It was amazing.”
“Did you…” I swallow hard from the thought. “Did you touch yourself?”
She nods. “I did. With a big pink vibrator.”
I exhale sharply. “Did it feel good?”
“Oh yes, but I imagine it didn’t feel as good as you would.” She gazes up at me through thick eyelashes. “The fantasy was nice though.”
“Maybe that’s what I should have done.”
“Touched yourself?” She steps closer. “Imagined we were making love?”
“Yeah.” I take a step toward her until barely an inch separates us. I can see down the front of her blouse to the top of her cleavage. “Fantasies can be good.”
“But I haven’t figured out if it relieves the tension or just makes me want it more.”
“Neither have I.”
Julia reaches up and wraps her arms around my neck, pressing her breasts into my chest. “If that’s all I can have, then I guess I have be happy with that.”
I study her face for a moment. “You are so beautiful. So sexy. You make me want things I haven’t wanted in a very long time. Things I shouldn’t want.”
“Shouldn’t? Because of some man made rule? There’s nothing wrong with attraction. There’s nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and love and sex.”
“There is for me.”
She smiles, letting her hands slide down my arms. “I told you I was trouble. I told you I would throw myself at you.”
“Is that what you’re doing?”
“I was about to.”
“How?”
She searches my eyes for a moment before rising up and kissing me softly on the lips. “I would start with that.”
My dick twitches under my cassock. “This isn’t the place.”
“I know. I have to go to work and you…” She looks around. “I know. Is there a good place for me to kiss you again? Because if there is, I’ll go there.”
“Do you want to see me again tonight?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll come to you.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Julia brushes her fingers over my check. “Me neither. We’ll figure it out as we go.”
I nod. “Thank you for stopping by.”
“You’re welcome, Father Montesanto.” I exhale slowly. “What?”
“Something in your delivery of my name is… intoxicating. Intimate.”
“Intoxicating, huh?” She grabs my hand and lifts it to her lips, kissing softly. “Just like you. I’ll see you later.”
“You will. Have a good day.”
“I will now.”
She leaves and I slump in my chair. What am I doing? Being alone with her is a very bad idea. I was seconds away from kissing her. My eyes focus on the bulge between my legs. She barely touched me and I’m rock hard. I try to adjust my slacks, but my hand moves to my dick, rubbing softly. I shouldn’t do this. I should pray or take a walk or hell, a shower, but instead I reach under my cassock and into my slacks. Gripping my cock in my hand, I move my hand up and down the shaft. I close my eyes and see Julia’s face, her soulful eyes and sensual mouth whispering my name. I throw my head back, fisting my cock furiously as I imagine her naked body and me touching, kissing, licking everything. Cum shoots out and down my hand as I exhale sharply. After a moment I open my eyes astonished at what I did. Here.
After cleaning myself up, I pick up my phone and dial. He answers after two rings.
“Father Cristof speaking.”
“It’s me. Diego. I need to talk.”
“You sound terrible. Are you okay?”
“No. Not okay. Can I come see you?”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
“Must be serious. I’ll be available at ten.”
“I’ll be there. Thank you.”
“Sure.”
I hang up and sit back in my chair. If I have any chance of getting through this I’m going to need advice. I exit my office and walk into the sanctuary. Julia is already working and her and Erika are laughing about something. She’s not aware of me yet, which is nice. I can just watch her. I spot Sister Louisa and walk over to tell her I’m stepping out for a few hours. Julia’s eye catches mine and I smile. She smiles back, appearing innocent and sweet and not at all like the seductive woman that keeps threatening to jump me. Such a contrast. I hurry out of the church to meet the only person I can trust with this situation.
Out back I hop in my car to make the short trip to the next town over. It takes me fifteen minutes to pull into the church parking lot. I walk inside, glancing around the dark church until I hear my name.
“Diego.”
I look down the hall to see Cristof. “Hi. Thanks for seeing me on short notice.”
“Of course. Do you need to speak privately?”
“Definitely.”
“Alright. We’ll go to my office.”
“Thanks.” I follow him down the hall and into his office where I sit on the couch. I wring my hands, unsure of where to begin.
“What’s going on, Diego? I’ve never seen you like this.”
“Remember the girl I told you about that I met ten years ago.”
“Julia. Of course.”
“She’s here.”
Cristof pulls his head back. “Here? What do you mean?”
“She’s in my church. She’s part of the team restoring the frescoes.”
“Small world, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“You seem very agitated by her presence.”
“I still have feelings for her.”
“I believe we both already knew that.”
“But it was hypothetical before.”
Cristof sits in the chair in front of me. “Am I understanding that you’re having trouble managing your feelings for her?”
“I almost kissed her.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I asked her to see me tonight. She kissed me and I let her.”
“Okay.”
“I, um, I let my lust get the best of me, and I, um, I masturbated in my office.”
His eyes open wide. “In your church?”
“Yeah. I’m really messed up.”
“Okay, let’s slow down a little. Have you told her how you feel?”
“Not directly, but it’s obvious. I can’t stay away from her, Cristof. I don’t know what to do. It’s like she’s a magnet, and I’m just constantly drawn to her.”
“I see.”
“I want to be a good priest. I am a good priest.”
“You are.”
“But Julia…” I look up. “She reminds of everything I once wanted. It’s within my grasp again. But having her means leaving everything else.”
“Are you seriously considering leaving the priesthood?”
“No.” I lean back. “I want both.”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here. What do I do?”
“I don’t know that I can tell you. My advice would be to examine your conscience. Truly and honestly. Try to understand if you are suffering temporary emotions of lust or if you would be willing to walk away from your calling to be with her. Only you can answer those questions.”
“What would you do?”
“I would keep my distance. This is a potentially dangerous situation you find yourself in. One slip could change your life. Women can be very tempting. This isn’t the first time a woman has sought your attention. It won’t be the last.”
“She doesn’t seek my attention. She commands it. She’s always had it.”
“Is your devotion to Julia stronger than your devotion to God?”
“Why does it have to be one or the other?”
“You know the answer to that. We chose this life, Diego. It is a privilege to serve our Lord and Father above. His love far exceeds that any woman could give.”
“I know.”
“You are suffering from a moment of weakness. We all have them. A beautiful woman can be extremely alluring. I have faced this temptation myself.”
“How did you get over it?”
“I prayed a lot. I focused on my duties. I avoided her.”
“It worked?”
“Eventually, yes. It is not easy, but it can be done if you want it. Just be careful and think before you act.”
“Right. Okay. I can do that.”
“I would not recommend spending alone time with her. That is a recipe for disaster.”
“Good point.”
“Do you feel better now? Clearer?”
I nod. “Yes. Yes, thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Diego.” He stands and pats my shoulder. “You’re strong enough to
overcome this. Keep me posted and don’t hesitate to call if you need to talk.”
“I appreciate it.”
Now all I have to do is figure out how to cancel plans with Julia.