Chapter Three
Julia
I pace my living room looking out the window several times for Diego realizing I have no idea what time he’s coming and no way to call him.
“Girl, you’re a mess. Sit down and have some wine.”
I glance at Erika sitting on the couch and holding a glass of red out for me. “What if he doesn’t come? What if he changed his mind? What do I say then?”
“Why are you planning for the worst?”
“It’s almost nine o’clock.”
“Things kick off later in Italy. Maybe he got tied up doing something at work.”
“At work.” I roll my eyes. “Like it’s not a church.” I stand up and walk to the window again and then look back at my friend. “There’s no way this is working out. No way. We can’t just ignore it, and the more time we spend together, the harder it’s gonna be to stop.”
“Truth.”
“So it’s pointless. I should just tell him we can’t hang out alone anymore. Don’t you think?”
“Come here, Julia.” She pats the cushion next to her. “Sit down.”
I join her on the couch. “What?”
“I don’t know the answer here or what the right thing to do is, but I personally think it would really hurt if you said you didn’t want to see him anymore.”
“But isn’t that kind of hurt better than falling in love with someone you can never have?”
“Maybe. This is a tough one.”
“Yeah.” We both look up at the sound of the knock. “He came.”
“Yep. I’ll be in my bedroom.”
“Thanks.”
I walk over and open the door. Diego looks distraught as a frown creases his gorgeous face. He doesn’t look happy at all. “Are you okay?”
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
He walks past me and sits on the couch while I close the door. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and focusing on the floor.
“Diego?”
“I was going to cancel tonight.”
“Why?”
“I was counseled today and he said being alone with you was a recipe for disaster.” He gazes up at me. “He said to protect myself I should just stay away from you.”
“I see.” I walk over and sit in the chair across from him.
“So I sat in my bedroom and I thought about looking into your beautiful eyes and telling you that even though you’re the most important person to me, even though my attraction for you is overwhelming, even though the only time I genuinely smile is when I think of you, I couldn’t see you anymore. I couldn’t spend time with you or eat dinner together or hold your hand.”
“Okay.”
“I stood up to come and tell you that over an hour ago. It sounds so easy and logical doesn’t it? I’m a priest. I can’t commit to you or promise you anything or make love to you, but the more I thought of saying those words, the sicker I felt.”
“Oh.”
“Even though it should be easy and logical, it’s not. I can’t stay away from you. I don’t want to.”
“Diego…”
“I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be telling you any of this. I don’t know what to do about it, but I know that I had to see you, and I had to ask you for something.”
“What is it?”
“Will you let me hold you? Will you just lie in my arms for as long as you can stand it?”
“Yeah, Diego. I’ll do that.” I stand and walk over to him, extending my hand. “Let’s go to my room.”
He nods, taking my hand and letting me lead him down the hall to my bedroom. Once inside he kicks off his shoes and climbs in my bed. I do the same, crawling into his arms. I lie my head on his chest and he strokes my hair.
“Do you want to talk about anything?” I ask.
“No.”
I tilt my head up to see his face. “It’s okay. We can just be quiet.”
His eyes search mine and I watch as slowly he lowers his head, pressing his lips to mine. It’s a sweet kiss and over too quickly. He pulls back slightly, enough to make eye contact.
“Why am I so drawn to you?” He whispers his question. “Ten years ago and now.”
“I don’t know, but I’m glad. I’m sorry it’s hard for you, but I love this right now.”
“The only thing that isn’t hard for me is being with you. It’s just the consequences that are hard.”
“I would never tell anyone.”
“God knows. My vows are to Him. No mortal.”
I nod. “I understand.”
“I know you do.”
I study his face, torn between two worlds. I don’t have the heart to push him to kiss me again. “Let’s just be quiet. No more talking. When we talk, we always end up going there.”
“Yeah, we do.”
“So we’ll just lie here and we’ll pretend for a little while that this is our life and this is what we can do any time we want. And I won’t kiss you. And you won’t kiss me. We’ll just lie here. Pretending.”
Diego gazes down at me. “We’ll just lie here.”
∞∞∞
In the morning I open my eyes to find Diego watching me. “Morning.”
He smiles. “Morning, Angel. I was just about to leave.”
“What time is it?”
“Four. You can go back to sleep.”
I nod, stretching slightly. “Thanks for staying.”
“It was my pleasure. Truly.” He pinches my chin. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah.”
He climbs out of bed, kissing the top of my head, and walks out of the bedroom. I quickly drift back to sleep, hoping my sweet dreams of Diego return before I have to face reality.
The next time I open my eyes it’s when my alarm is clanging in my ear. I hit my phone to turn it off and drag myself out of bed. In the shower, I let the hot water wash over me, wishing it could clean away the desire that sticks to me like humidity. Could it clear Diego out of my mind? Could anything?
An hour later, Erika and I are walking to the church. She nudges my arm. “You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. Being friends is hard.”
“I bet.”
“If it’s okay, I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”
“Of course it’s okay. I’m here when you need me.”
“Thanks.”
We enter the church and as I walk to my station, I see a small bag sitting there with a note.
A pastry to start your day. DM
Erika peeks over my shoulder. “What is it?”
“A pastry.” I smile. It’s a sweet gesture. I set it down and start unpacking my tools to start my day. The church is still quiet, which suits my mood. I look up when Sister Louisa and Diego enter the area. He smiles and I nod, but look away.
“Julia?”
I look up. “Hi, Father.”
“Hi.” He kneels down to my level, glancing over his shoulder. “I know this is hard for you. It is for me too.”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“I just want to thank you for what you did last night.”
I tilt my head. “What I did?”
“Letting me hold you like that.” He clears his throat. “Even though physically it was challenging, emotionally it was perfect. I don’t think I knew how much I needed to hold you.”
I smile softly. “It was nice.”
“You seem sad, and I know it’s my fault.”
“It’s not. It’s fate or destiny or God. We weren’t allowed to be together ten years ago, and we’re not now. I don’t know why. It seems unfair really, but it is what it is.” I pat his arm. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
He looks over again at Sister Louisa, subtly watching us. “I should leave you alone and let you work.”
I nod. “Yeah.”
He stands and walks away and I exhale slowly. I’ll be fine. Not getting what I want is normal. I’m used to it.
∞∞∞
Later that night, I’m sitting in bed reading when I hear a knock at the door. By the time I get up, Erika is standing talking to Diego. He looks past her to me and smiles.
“Sorry for coming over uninvited. I just had to see you.”
“Oh. Come in.” Erika winks and walks past us to her room. “Did you need to talk or something?”
“I don’t know.” He rubs his forehead. “I don’t even know what to say or do.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Then why are you there? You’re just making it worse.”
“I know, Julia. I just find it hard to stay away.”
“I’m trying really hard to be a good person and not tempt you. I’m denying my own desires to respect the position you’re in. I don’t agree with it at all, but you do, so I’m trying.”
“I know. It means a lot to me.” He steps closer, pulling me into his arms. “I feel happy when I’m with you.” He leans in and kisses me softly. Briefly. “A kind of happy I’m not used to at all.”
“What do you want to do, Diego? Tell me.”
“I want to go to your room. I want to lie with you. I want to feel you close.”
I take his wrist and lead him to my room. I guess if this is all I can get, it’s what I have to accept. It’s better than nothing. I think.
We crawl in my bed and search each other’s eyes. I start to say something, but Diego surprises me by leaning forward to kiss me again. This time, I wrap my arms around his neck and open my lips to him. He sighs against my mouth as his tongue slips in and tangles with mine. I shift so that my body is pressed against his and I can feel his erection. I’m shocked when his hand gropes my breast through my blouse. “Julia…”
“Yes?”
“We can’t do this. I’m so sorry.”
“Fuck.” I sit up slightly. “We can’t be near each other without exploding. I’m so turned on now.”
“Me too. I just can’t seem to get enough of you.”
Keeping my eyes on his, I make a decision based on nothing but what I want, and I pull my blouse over my head, revealing my bra to him.
“What are you doing?” I say nothing but tug my yoga pants off. “I can’t make love to you, Julia.”
“I know, but I can’t take it anymore. You can watch me.”
“No.”
“Yeah. I can watch you too.” I reach for his hand and put it on my breast. “You can be whatever you want with me, Diego. You don’t have to break any rules. You don’t have to touch me at all. You can just watch.”
“I’m not sure I can control myself.”
“Of course you can.” I reach behind my back and unhook my bra, letting it fall forward. Diego’s eyes immediately go to my naked chest.
“God, you’re beautiful.”
“Thank you.” I adjust myself so I can remove my panties. Diego watches me with hooded eyes. “Now your turn, Father.”
His eyes open wide. “What do you want me to do?”
“Let me see you touch yourself. You’ll do you and I’ll do me. You stay over there, and I’ll stay over here. You’ll see what I do when I think of you.”
“Damn.”
I drag my hand down my body and between my legs. “I’m already wet just from being close to you.” I show him my damp fingers. “I bet you’re hard for me.” He nods but says nothing. “Tell me, Diego. Say the words.”
“I am. I’m hard for you, Julia.”
I smile. “Show me.”
He pulls the button on his jeans allowing his cock to spring to attention. He strokes it as I watch intensely. “Take off your shirt.” He pulls it over his head revealing his athletic physique, and to my surprise, several tattoos swirled across the left side of his chest and over his shoulder.
“Those are interesting.”
He glances to his left. “Before I became a priest.” He points to a cross wrapped in a rosary that graces the underside of his bicep. “This one was after.”
“Very sexy.”
“What now, Angel?”
“Get yourself off.” I bite my bottom lip as I rub my clit with one hand and twist my nipple with the other. “Isn’t this the hottest thing you’ve ever done?”
“By far.”
“Me too. I’ve never let someone watch me. Just you, Father.”
“Put your fingers inside.”
I grin, complying with his command. “Like this?”
“Yeah, like that.” He strokes his cock a little faster. “Does it feel good?”
“Oh yes. I’m imagining it’s you with your fingers digging inside me. It’s you groping my tits. It’s you that’s going to make me scream.”
“Jesus.”
“Are you supposed to say that?”
“No, but you’re blowing me away.”
“I’m not a shy little girl anymore, Diego.”
“No, you’re definitely not.”
I scoot closer so he can get a better view. “Do you like that I shave it? Do you like my body?”
“Yes.”
“I like yours too. I wish it was mine.”
“Me too. What would you do if it was?”
“I would suck that beauty into my mouth until you came.”
“Dammit, Julia.”
“And then I would slide down on it and rock back and forth, rubbing my tits in your face. Would you like that?” Diego only moans in response. “Would that be nice?”
He throws his head back as cum shoots from his dick high in the air, a small bit landing on my chest. I watch as he breathes hard, pumping his cock and whispering my name. It’s all I needed to push me over and I fall back from the impact. When I open my eyes, Diego is hovering over me.
“We were torn apart too soon. We were made for each other. I know it.”
I reach up and play with his hair. “I know it too even when it feels like we’re blocked.”
“I need time, Julia. Time to sort it out in my head and figure out what the hell I’m doing with you.”
“Do you regret what just happened?”
“No. It was beautiful. You were beautiful.”
“I know I pushed you. I hope you’re not upset.”
“Not at all. I want to stay here with you again. I want to hold you while you sleep. Can I? Please?”
“Yes.”
“But you have to cover up again. I can’t be trusted to not cross the line even further, and we’re not ready to—”
“No, we’re not ready. I’ll cover up if you will.”
“Deal.”
∞∞∞
In the morning, I open my eyes and roll over to an empty space. I sit up looking for Diego, but find a note instead.
My sweet angel,
I left before sun up. Last night was perfect and I already miss you. I have to go to a conference in Rome until Friday night. I’ll call you. Here’s my number. Call or text me so I have your number too.
Forever yours,
Diego
I read the note twice. Forever yours. I hope that’s true. I pick up my phone and dial. He answers on the first ring.
“Father Montesanto speaking.”
“It’s me. Your sweet angel.”
“Hi. Did you sleep well?”
“Perfect. You?”
“Same. I nearly forgot the conference.” He laughs softly. “I woke up in a panic at three.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too,” he whispers.
“How do you feel today about last night? Still okay?”
“Still okay.”
“Good.”
“Honestly I felt like the me I used to be, but… I don’t know.”
“What is it?”
“I used to think that I could never be that man again. I couldn’t feel passion or remember how to touch a woman.”
“But now?”
“I do remember. I’m still that man, but better.”
“Better?”
“For you. It never meant anything to me before, but last night meant a lot. I shouldn’t, but I hope there will be more.”
“Whenever you desire me, Father.”
“Do you know, Julia, how sexy that sounds when you say it like that?”
“It’s sexy to me too. I guess I have some kind of priest fetish I didn’t know about.”
Diego laughs. “Lucky me.”
“Or not. I’m complicating your life.”
“No, you’re not. You’re the first good thing that’s happened in a long time.”
I smile. “What’s your conference about?”
“Ironically, it’s about shielding our lives from secular values.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I come every year. When you’re a priest, you sit and listen to the sins of your people. You hear about drugs and alcohol and sex and infidelity. It’s important that I understand the challenges of their world, while avoiding the temptation to taste it myself.”
“But don’t you already know what all those things taste like?”
“I do. All the more reason to shield myself.”
“But then you spend the night in my arms.”
“The arms of an angel.”
“Maybe the strength you couldn’t find last night to avoid me, you’ll find in Rome.”
“Maybe. Maybe how I feel about you is strong enough to deflect any counseling I could receive.”
“You’re obviously conflicted about me. For good reason.”
“You are not the conflict. Not at all. I have to go. Break is almost over. I’ll see you on Saturday.”
“When?”
“I have reconciliation until three. Then I should be free. I’ll call you.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
“Bye, Julia.”
“Bye, Diego.”
After hanging up, I pull myself out of bed to shower and get ready for work. At least I won’t be distracted today.
∞∞∞
On Saturday morning, I wake up early and look at my phone still clutched in my hand waiting for Diego to call. His text came after midnight.
Train delay. Will see you tomorrow. I can’t wait.
I want to see him. I have to. The dreams are driving me crazy. After coffee and waiting until a reasonable time, I quickly dress, brush my teeth, and throw my hair up, then start my short walk to the church while Erika still sleeps.
Inside the church, people are already lining up to confess their sins. I get in line behind an older woman who turns and smiles at me. I smile back, only feeling slightly guilty for the motive that brought me here. After forty minutes, it’s my turn to step inside the confessional.
I kneel down in front of the screen, trying to remember my upbringing. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“Julia?”
“It’s been longer than I can remember since my last confession.”
Diego is silent for a moment. “Tell me your sins, child.”
I exhale slowly. “Let’s see. I’m having impure thoughts.”
“About?”
“A man. A forbidden man.”
“Forbidden? Is that why you find him appealing?”
“No, Father. I’ve found him appealing almost all my life. I met him when I was still a child, but I never forgot him. Now I’m a woman, and I can’t stay away.”
“Go on.”
“I’m not sure if he still wants me or if he’s found the strength to avoid me. Do you know?”
“I don’t see how any mortal could avoid you. Certainly not this forbidden one you speak of.”
“That’s good. I have more sins to confess, Father.”
“I’m listening.”
“I can’t stop touching myself.” Diego groans in response. “Is that bad? Self-pleasure?”
“I believe it can be a healthy outlet.”
“Oh. So it’s okay if I…”
“If you what?”
“It’s okay if I get myself off every day while I fantasize about him?”
“Julia,” he whispers.
“One more thing, Father.”
“Yes?”
“I have this dream. It’s plagued me off and on for many years. It went away for a long time, but it’s come back recently.”
“What is it about?”
“A man. He’s running, chasing something, calling out something I can’t hear. I want to help him, but I seem to be watching and not really a part of it.”
“That’s an interesting dream. It concerns you?”
“Only because it went away the first time I was kissed under a tree ten years ago. It came back when I walked into this building.”
Diego exhales slowly. “Well, now that is interesting.”
“I think so.”
“We should talk about it later when there’s more time. You can come to me for a counseling session.”
“I would like that, Father.”
He slides the screen open and smiles. “I missed you so much,” he whispers. “Did you touch yourself while I was away?”
“Yes, Father. Many times.”
“We should talk about that later too. Maybe I can help you work through your feelings of guilt.”
“I think that would be very helpful. What time should I come?”
“Five. To my office.”
“I’ll be here.” I lean close and place a soft kiss on his lips. “Thank you for your time and dedication to me, Father.”
“You’re welcome, my angel. Go in peace.”
“Won’t you offer me absolution for my sins?”
He tilts his head. “Will you offer me absolution for mine?”
I grin. “I don’t have your power.”
“I seem to have lost mine in your eyes.”
“You are very romantic, Father Montesanto.”
“Only for you. I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.”
I exit the confessional, smiling at the woman behind me, but feeling the heat between my legs.
∞∞∞
At five, I knock on his office door. He swings it open and smiles. “Julia.”
“Hello, Father. I’m here for my counseling session.”
“Yes, come in.” I enter his office and glance around. “How was the rest of your day?”
“Restless.”
He nods. “Counseling will help.”
“Where do we start? I’ve never been counseled by a priest before.”
“We sit down and you tell me the things that are weighing on you, and then I try to help lift them from your shoulders.”
“What if it’s you? The only thing that weighs on me is you.”
“Who better to help you then?”
I sit in the leather chair next to his desk. “Tell me about Rome.”
“I already did.”
“Okay. Then tell me something else.”
“We’re here to talk about you. I believe you said earlier you’re struggling with lust for the forbidden.”
“Yes. What should I do?”
“What do you want to do?”
A thought comes to me that draws a smile to my lips. “Should I tell you?”
“Absolutely. How can I help if you don’t?”
I avert my eyes for just a moment. “I want to fuck his brains out.”
“Christ, Julia.”
“You asked.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to be so blunt.”
“I think we’ve danced around the obvious long enough. I want you. All of you.”
“That’s a very dangerous desire.”
“I know. Do you feel the same way?” I unbutton my blouse slowly while keeping my eyes on him. “Do you?”
“Please don’t do that.” Diego steps closer. “I have no control when it comes to you.”
“Of course you do, Father. You slept in my arms. You watched me get off and stayed on your side of the bed. You have tons of self-control. It’s me that’s weak.”
“Weakness is a common human trait.”
“I suppose. You said you could help me. Can you?”
“I’m not sure anymore.”
I stand and walk to where he stands, seemingly frozen in place. I reach out and drag my hands down the front of his cassock. “You look amazing dressed like this.”
He grins slightly. “Priest fetish kicking in?”
“I think so, yes. What’s under there, Father?” I drag my hand down. “You should show me.”
“You have no idea how much I want to.”
“But? You’re afraid, aren’t you?”
“There’s no going back once the line gets crossed.”
“I know.” I grope his bulge as he softly moans. “Kiss me, Diego. Kiss me like you did all those years ago.”
He studies my face and I can see the confusion in his eyes. He doesn’t know what to do, and I’m hurting him right now. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m treating you like you’re just a regular man, and you’re not. I’m coming on to you like I’m some kind of slut. I should be ashamed. I’m sorry.” I turn to leave, but Diego grabs my arm and pulls me into him. “Diego?”
His lips come down on mine, hard and rough. His strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling me into him as our tongues meet. I moan his name into his mouth as one hand finds its way to my hair, pulling slightly.
“Julia,” he whispers. “Julia.”
“Yes? What is it?”
“I’ve dreamt about holding you again so many times.” He kisses me again. “For years and here you are.”
“Yours again and no one can tear us apart.” I reach between his legs, gripping his cock through his clothes and rubbing hard. “My only relief for you is you.”
“You’re amazing.”
Diego backs me up against his desk and I wrap my legs around him, the only thing preventing us from full on fucking are the clothes between us. He grinds his cock into me, sucking and biting my lips as we kiss. His hand grips my breasts, so I pull open my blouse to allow him more access. He squeezes my flesh, mumbling my name as his hips smash into mine.
“Come for me, Father.”
Another moan as his movements intensify. “I need to feel you.” His hand slides up my skirt and between my legs, rubbing my clit through my panties. I throw my head back in pleasure.
“Oh, god, yes. Ooooh, Diego.” I jerk against him as my body feels like an explosion happened inside. Diego grunts, pumping against my hand and I know he’s coming. He slumps against me, breathing hard into the crevice of my neck.
After a moment, he looks up and kisses me softly. “Thank you.”
I smile, brushing my fingers over his stubble covered cheek. “The pleasure was mine.”
His forehead is still creased with concern. “We have to figure this out.”
“You do. I already know what I want. You have to figure out what you want. We can run around in secret, touching and kissing whenever we can. You can sleep in my arms and steal glances, but one day, we’ll take the clothes off and we’ll make love. I’m afraid you’ll regret it. I never want to be the reason you’re sad or hurt.”
“You never could be. I’m conflicted. I love my church and what I do. It’s always been enough, but it’s not now. Not when you are so close.”
“What do you need from me? Space? Time? What?”
“I don’t know. I can’t think straight when you’re in front of me. All I want is another touch, one more kiss.”
I smile, stepping back slightly. “I’ll give you a few days. I think you need it.”
“You’re leaving me?”
“I’m going home. I’ll be back Monday to work. I want you to be able to think clearly, and neither of us do that well when we’re together. I want every decision you make about me to be the best one for you.”
“You are selfless.”
“No, Diego, I’m not. I want you and I think after you have time to think about it, you’ll know what to do.” I button my blouse. “Until then, I’ll hope your decision is in my favor.”
“The only way I can be with you is to leave the priesthood.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
I nod. “I know, Diego.” I pick up my clutch from his desk. “Take the time alone to think about it. Us. What we could be.” I smile. “But think about your future too. Decide which one looks better. The one with the church or the one with me.”
I force myself to leave as tears sting my eyes. I know I’m doing the right thing. He has to make this decision. Not me. I already know what I want.