Chapter Eighteen - Tia

This is insane, I think to myself as I pace up and down backstage. I should not be here, why the hell am I doing this? I mean, I know the reasons that I’ve given myself but really? Is there any way that I can get out of it now? Can I turn back and change my mind?

“Are you okay, babe?” Kian asks while placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder. “You look nervous, is there anything that I can do?”

My ragged breaths get even shorter and sharper as I turn to look at Kian. The green and gray eyes of his are still and calm. He’s the one about to put himself on the line here but he looks cool, calm, and totally collected. How is it possible that I’m the one who’s a hot mess here? I turn to face him ad grip onto his arms, trying to soak in some of his calm.

“I should be the one calming you down,” I gasp. “Are you okay? Is there anything that I can do for you?” I glance towards the curtains, listening to the roar of people on the other side. “It’s really busy out there. Are you going to be alright?”

He breathes deeply and nods. “Yeah, I think so. I mean this is the biggest crowd that I’ve ever played for but then I’m not being me, am I? That, plus the reason I’m actually doing this, is driving me forwards, getting rid of any anxiety.”

When Kian first told me his plan I thought he was insane, but now I can see that he’s right. His crazy ass scheme might actually work here. Pretending to be Stephen, letting the press know that he didn’t die in the attack and that the police got it wrong certainly drummed up some attention. As far as I’m aware everyone has heard about the gig. It’s the sort of fame that Stephen could have only dreamed of. If it’s got the attention of everyone, then it must have got the attention of the killer too. If Stephen saw something that they’re scared of the cops finding out then this should draw them out. And if it does, the authorities will be waiting. It’ll put an end to a very long winded mystery that needs solving.

I just desperately hope that it works. There is so much that’s riding on it. Including us.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” I reply while pushing myself up onto my tiptoes to kiss him gently on the lips. “I’m glad you aren’t scared, but don’t be reckless. Please be careful.”

Maybe I have attachment issues when it comes to Kian but I really can’t just lose him. After everything that’s happened up until this point, it’s hardly any wonder that I’m clinging to him like there’s no tomorrow. He the source of my happiness, he gets rid of my loneliness. I’m not ready to say goodbye to that now… maybe not ever.

“I will be,” he whispers to me, placing his hand on the small of my back. “I promise you. I’m only going out there to sing a few songs anyway. It’s the cops doing the hard work.”

I mold into his body, allowing his embrace to comfort me. With his arms gripping onto me I feel a little bit safer than I did before but I’m not sure that it’s enough. I just want to cling to him and not let him out there. He’s mine, I want to wrap him in a bubble and keep him close. New Zealand feels like my bubble, our bubble. I feel much more exposed in the US. Maybe it’s because I know that my family is here and so are all the problems that I left behind, but since I’ve been back I haven’t had any involvement with any of them and that’s how I intend it to stay. I don’t want to see my father again and I’m quite happy to keep it to odd phone calls with my mother. It’s just easier that way.

“Have you heard the people out there?” he says with a chuckle. “It’s mad, isn’t it? So many people. They all want to see the dead guy.” His expression falls but he quickly regains himself. “I guess I’ll just have to give them the show of a life time.”

I step back as we hear the announcer calling out Stephen’s name. It’s weird to hear him mentioned like that, it stirs all kinds of sadness inside me. Despite what’s happened since I’m still sad that he’s gone. I really don’t think he deserved to die at all, no matter what he saw. He was a good guy, at least he seemed that way to me, and I’m sure he had so much more to offer the world. His life was cut needlessly short which just isn’t fair.

Still, hopefully if this goes to plan, and me and Kian fix this then everyone can move forward safe in the knowledge that we have the answers we so desperately need. Kian needs it, I need it, I’m sure his family desperately needs it. Without these answers, no one can move forward. We’ll all be stuck in a limbo forever, never moving on.

“Good luck out there,” I whisper sweetly to him. “I’ll be in the crowd waving up at you.”

I want to tell him that I love him because I’m pretty sure that I do, but I don’t say it yet. One, it’ll feel much too much like a goodbye, which this isn’t, and two I don’t want to freak him out. I know that he likes me, but I don’t think that he loves me and I don’t want to put the pressure on. Things are already strained enough between me and Kian. Not with our relationship but with the external factors surrounding us… this for example.

Instead, I will have to be content with just thinking it while pressing my fingers to my lips an shooting out continual kisses to him.

I love you, Kian Jones, You are my everything. I really don’t want to lose you right now, not when I think that you could honestly be the one for me. The happy ever after that I never thought I would get. I love you, I love you, I love you. I just can’t wait until I can tell you that for real. I will eventually, just when the moment is right.

I move backwards as Kian grabs his guitar. He nods at me does a silly little salute, which admittedly makes me laugh a little, but I do so with tears in my eyes. This has all moved too quickly, the plan came together too fast. I feel like we need just a little more time. I blow him a kiss and let him go, wishing it didn’t have to be this way.

Once I hear him up on the stage I push my way through the backstage area out towards the crowd. I see the undercover cops everywhere as I go which reminds me just how serious this is. It wasn’t easy to get the police to agree to such a hair brained scheme but once we convinced them that Stephen’s murder was part of something much bigger, which we both really believe it is, then they started to come around. I really hope tonight produces results for them too or they won’t be so willing to help us again. This cost the force a lot of money and man power, I don’t want it all to be for nothing.

“Excuse me,” I mutter as I push past people. “Scuse. Thank you. Excuse me, scuse.”

Eventually I make it as close to the front of the stage as I can manage. It seems that Kian was right about one thing, people really do want a piece of the guy who’s seemingly risen from the dead. It sickens me a little, but maybe I would have been the same if I wasn’t bang smack in the middle of this situation. Maybe I would be with everyone else, with my camera phone held high taking pictures of the man that one small newspaper once reported had been killed.

As I watch Kian, I think back to the moment we went to the bar where Stephen was actually killed, trying to find Katie. I wasn’t keen to find her, I didn’t know what it would be like to find the woman who saw his dead body, but it was an avenue we had to at least try… but of course we got nowhere. The bar is no more, it’s too fire damaged to be anything at the moment, and no one around seems to know a girl called Katie at all. Kian thinks that her vanishing act is all part of the bigger picture, the mafia as he thinks it is, but I’m not so sure. I would much rather think that she’s just gone somewhere else to start a new life.

My eyes focus on Kian and I lose myself in the moment because it’s preferable not to worry about anything else. As I do, I remember the magical moment I saw Stephen playing for the first and only time on the cruise ship. As I watched him up on the stage, singing his heart out to people that were probably way too old to really appreciate his music, I felt happy for the first time in a very long time. He awoke something inside of me that I’d put to sleep long before.

Stephen Jones had such an impact on me that I ran all the way to New Zealand just to be near his memory. Somehow, even after all of this, I want to find a way to keep his memory alive. He doesn’t deserve to just be forgotten, it really isn’t right. I don’t know what I’m going to do just yet, but I’ll definitely do something. I owe him that much. Maybe it was only one night, but if it wasn’t for that night then none of this would have happened. I would probably still be in my parent’s home feeling miserable about my directionless life.

I hope you’re watching this, Stephen, I think while glancing my eyes up towards the sky. I hope you see how much your brother loves you. As an after thought, I add, I hope you don’t mind me and him either. We didn’t mean to fall in love, we just did. It just happened, but it’s the best thing for the both of us. We make each other happy. I hope you can understand that.

I don’t know if I imagine the warmth that circles me at that moment or not, but I choose to believe that it’s a sign. I choose to take it as a blessing because that’s what I need it to be,

The crowd goes wild as Kian rocks it, some of the girls even chant Stephen’s name. From my brief meeting with Stephen and everything that Kian has told me about him, I just know that he would have loved this. For Stephen, this would have been a dream come true. It’s just a shame that he had to die for it to really happen. Maybe if he’d remained alive he would have got here eventually but I suppose we’ll never know now.

His dream died with him.

I get into the mood, I shake my arms, I move my hips, I fall in line with the others. Dancing is the only way that I can forget a little bit how serious this is. I need to stop getting tied up in knots before I throw up over everyone, really ruining the festive mood. Of course, my eyes keep flicking back and forth as I try to locate anyone that looks out of place, anyone that might be suspicious, but I don’t see anyone. Everyone just appears to be having a good time which is a good thing as well as a bad thing.

If something is going to happen, it needs to happen soon before I lose my freaking mind.