Chapter 18: Neil
“Hey man,” Eli said. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here today.”
“Yeah, sorry. I wasn’t really planning on coming in today. I just, shit. I don’t know. I was at the diner to see Fay, and I wasn’t sure what to do after that, so I came here.”
“No man, don’t be sorry. Always glad to see you. Have a seat! Want a beer or something?”
“No, not a beer. Any chance you’ve got any whiskey?”
Eli gave me a questioning look, but he nodded and went to one of the back cabinets in the shop. One bottle and two glasses later, and the two of us were sitting in a couple of the back chairs in the shop. He poured us both a glass, and I drank mine down in two sips, fighting the urge to sick it all up again on the spot.
I waved my glass in Eli’s general direction, and he filled it again, this time with a more generous pour. It was only after I’d gotten a couple of sips down of that glass that I felt a little calmer. I had come straight to Eli’s shop from fucking Fay in the back of her diner, and I felt more messed up in the head than ever.
The fact that I had wanted to go and see her because I was feeling bad was confusing, but the way I felt after leaving her was even worse. I felt like my entire world was on fire, and I didn’t know which direction I was supposed to go in to put it out. Eli must have seen it on me, too, because after he gave me a couple of seconds to get my mental shit together, he cleared his throat and started to talk.
“So, what’s going on with you, man? You look like you just saw a ghost or something.”
“Nothing, man. Or shit, I don’t know. I just came from seeing Fay.”
“I know, you said that. Is that what’s got you all fucked up?”
“I guess so. I guess it is.”
“Because you want her, or because you don’t? It’s got to be one of the two, brother. No man gets that look about a girl he doesn’t have some kind of feelings about.”
I sat there silent for a long time, looking into my glass of whiskey like it would somehow miraculously give me all of the answers I was looking for. He was right, and it pissed me off. I didn’t want to feel anything about her. I wanted to go back in time and not ever have walked into the diner, not ever have seen her face. I wanted her not to have been a virgin when we slept together that first time so that I could claim that I didn’t ever think it meant anything. I wanted to be able to tell Eli that Fay didn’t mean shit to me and for it to be the absolute truth. The fact that I couldn’t do that made me want to put my fist through a wall.
It was a good thing that Eli didn’t interrupt my thought process because if he had, I would probably have just put my fist into his face, not because I was pissed, but because I needed something to make me feel better. I needed to find something that could not only keep me from saying the next words that were going to come out of my mouth, but that could also make it so that those words weren’t even true. I needed a fucking miracle, and since I didn’t believe in those, I was pretty much shit out of luck.
“I think I love her man.”
“Love her? Really?”
“Shit. Shit. I really think I do.”
“Well, then I get why you’re so pissed. What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t have a fucking clue. What am I supposed to do?”
“I can’t tell you that, brother,” Eli answered slowly, all of his typical jocularity long gone. “Nobody can. If you’re gonna stay, you’ve got to come to that on your own. Otherwise, you’ll always be pissed off for being here. If you’re gonna do it, do it the right way. Don’t stay and then be pissed off that you’re here. That ain’t fair to anyone.”
I got so close to saying I would stay. I could actually feel the words on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to say it. It wasn’t that I liked Ashville any better than I ever had, but I wanted the fucking turmoil inside of me to stop. The only way that was going to happen was if I came to a decision. I wanted it to be the right one. I wanted to be the guy who chose the girl and not the rest of it, the money and the cities and all of the rest. I could feel those words on the tip of my tongue when the only other person in Eli’s shop decided it was time for him to speak up.
“Who gives a shit?”
“Can it, Beatty,” Eli said in a warning voice, glancing up at the scraggly old man now limping towards us. “I don’t think he asked for your opinion.”
“I don’t give a shit what he asked for or what he didn’t ask for. I’ve got something to say, and I’m going to say it. Who gives a shit if you think you love this girl? You think that love is going to mean anything twenty years from now when your whole life amounted to nothing, and all you have is a woman you can’t stand anymore to show for it? Because, you’ll regret it, son. This town will kill you, if you let it. It did me, and it’ll do the same to you. If you’ve got the chance to get out, then do it. Who cares if you love her? Find another girl to love. Get the fuck out of Ashville, boy. Do it while you still can.”