Chapter 16: Neil
The email I got from Professor Dan threw me back into the real world, the world I had been putting on hold since coming back to Ashville. It was simple enough in content, only wanting to know when I was thinking about taking the bar exam, but the shit it brought up wasn’t anything close to simple, at least not for me.
The subtle reminder at the end didn’t help, either. The good Professor ended his short, intrusive email by reminding me that putting things off for too long usually meant they didn’t happen at all. I knew what he meant, just as every man and woman I went to school with did. There was a window, and once you got past that window, you lost your momentum. The time after finishing law school was the time in which I had the most momentum a man could have, and instead of using it to take the bar and move my life forward, I was sitting on my ass in Ashville, Alaska, wasting time.
Waking up with Fay next to me in bed had made me vaguely uncomfortable that this might be the case, but seeing the Professor’s words right there on my laptop’s screen, blinking at me in black and white, made it clear. Just because things had slowed down to a crawl for me while I was in Ashville didn’t mean the rest of the world had slowed down, too. Because it most definitely hadn’t. The world was moving on, and it was doing it without me.
“Hey, Neil? Everything okay?”
The sound of Fay’s voice pulled me out of my own head. There had been a weird sound somewhere on the perimeter of my thoughts while I read and reread my email in horror and now I realized what it was. It was the sound of Fay knocking at my door.
She was standing there knocking because I had told her to come by. Shit! I wanted to see her, but I was also having a speak of the devil kind of a feeling. And on top of that, I hadn’t even thought about starting any food for the two of us. Feeling heavy and clumsy and totally fucked in the head, I snapped my computer shut and made my way to the front door, opening it to Fay.
I smiled as best I could when she burst inside and looped her arms through mine and around my waist. Fucked in the head or not, the feeling of her body pressing into mine was a good one. I took a deep breath and willed myself to relax, at least while she was here. Ashville offered me nothing but time to worry about the predicament I had gotten myself into, and I would start doing that just as soon as she left. The odds were, I wasn’t going to be around all that much longer, and if that was the case, I wanted to soak up my time with her while I could. She was my vacation in all of this, and there was no reason not to enjoy that.
“What’s the matter, Neil?” She pulled back and looked up at me, biting her lower lip as she spoke in a way that was unconsciously sexy and totally her. “You look stressed.”
“Nothing to worry about. Just business stuff, you know? That and I forgot to actually make any food.”
“That’s okay! Let me rummage through your fridge! I’m super good at this game. Mom used to let me be in charge of the food when things got really bad, and the groceries got low. I was always pretty great at coming up with the perfect thing to eat. Wanna give me a try?”
“Sure,” I laughed, starting to feel better despite myself. “Have at it.”
“Yes! You’re going to be so impressed, Neil, just wait.”
“I have no doubt.”
And as it turned out, I was. She went through the fridge and by the time she was done, we had what looked like a Tuscan feast. She had all of the cheeses and meats cut up and on a large board, accompanied by olives and pickles and fruits. She went through the wine cellar, mumbling to herself about how stupid it was of her to bring a bottle of wine with her the last time, and picked out the perfect one.
In no time flat, we were sitting at the large kitchen island, her obviously pleased with the turnout and me more than a little bit impressed. Every minute I spent with her, I was seeing something else I liked. She was like the girl I remembered but better, with all of the things I had loved and some new things piled up on top of it.
“What are you staring at?”
“What?” I stalled for time, embarrassed to have been caught making such a rookie mistake. “Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, mister. You totally are. You’re staring at me.”
“Okay, you caught me. I was.”
“How come?”
“I was just thinking that you’re pretty amazing.”
“Ha ha, whatever. It’s only meat and cheese, Neil, don’t give me more credit than I deserve.”
“No, seriously, Fay. You really are. You’re amazing. I didn’t think women like you really exist, and it makes me wonder.”
“Wonder what?”
“I know you don’t like these kinds of questions, but have you ever considered leaving? Moving out of Ashville? There’s nothing in the world I don’t think you could conquer. There’s so much out there. Don’t you ever wonder if you might be limiting yourself?”
“Neil, come on,” she answered me uncomfortably, clearly wishing I would have kept my mouth shut. “I thought we agreed not to talk about this kind of stuff. Ashville isn’t the best subject for us, you know? Especially when there are so many other things for us to talk about.”
I knew what she was thinking. I could see it in her slightly wounded eyes. I had agreed not to talk about this anymore, not to bring up the one subject that could legitimately come between us. I hadn’t meant to go back on my promise, but the thing was, I couldn’t help it. I liked her. I liked her more than I wanted to admit and definitely more than I was comfortable.
I thought I might even love her. I might never have stopped loving her. But there was still the matter of Ashville to consider. I wasn’t willing to stay. I just wasn’t willing to do it. I wanted her to tell me that she was willing to go, after all. Instead, she smiled at me, got up from her seat, and pressed her body against me.
“How about we don’t talk, Neil?”
“No talking, huh? What do you suggest we do instead?”
“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you let me know what you think?”
She kissed me then, and it wasn’t very long until we were headed back to the bedroom. I was glad to have her there, but there was a part of me that was shut off from her now, already looking ahead. She’d done a damn good job of dancing around my question, but by doing that, she had answered it all the same. She wasn’t going to leave, and I wasn’t going to stay. That left us nowhere, and whether she understood that or not, I absolutely did.
The next morning, as she made me breakfast and chattered happily away, I wondered how long this little playing house act could really work between the two of us. I heard myself promising to come and see her in the diner and wondered if I would be doing that, either. I was torn straight down the middle about what I was supposed to do, and I had no idea what I would choose in the end. I loved her. There was no way for me to lie about that to myself anymore, but I wasn’t sure if it was enough to change me to the core. I wasn’t sure that anything was, no matter how great that something was.