Isobel had called earlier and asked me to come over to her house. I had agreed, as long as I wasn’t going to run into Spencer. She told me that wouldn’t happen.

I thought about how Spencer and had interacted at my house. And I felt bad for the way I had treated him, but I also didn’t know what to do. I had so many feelings for this man, but I didn’t know how he felt about me. For all I knew, he just wanted to keep fucking me.

When I got to Isobel’s, I was greeted by two little boys. Adrian and Louis.

“Alissa!” both boys yelled at the same time. They each ran up and hugged me. It was a little hard for me to see them, since I had no idea what was going on with me and their dad.

“Hi, boys,” I said to them.

“We missed you so much!” they said.

My heart broke for them. What kind of a mother just left her children? I could never even imagine it. I didn’t have kids, and I didn’t know what it was like to have children, but still, I could never wrap my head around the fact that a mother would just up and leave her children and never check on them again. It made no sense to me.

I looked to Isobel and mouthed, “What the fuck?” I wasn’t mad, just curious.

“I know,” she said. “I’m sorry. It was totally last-second. He had nobody else to watch them. I was kind of put in a tough spot. He’s my brother’s best friend, and like, I’ve grown up with him.”

I laughed. “Seriously, Isobel, you don’t have to worry about it. Shit happens. I’m not worried about it. I still want to hang out with you.”

She smiled at me. “So, what’s going on with you and Spencer anyway?” she asked as she led me back to her kitchen and dished out macaroni and cheese for the kids.

“Well, he came over to my house this morning, completely uninvited,” I said. “And he gave me an ultimatum.”

“An ultimatum?” she asked.

“Yup. He told me that I had until Friday to decide whether I wanted to be with him or not.” I shrugged and shook my head. It was frustrating. I didn’t know what I really wanted. I felt like he wasn’t really giving me enough time. We weren’t even technically a couple. We’d had sex one time. That wasn’t exactly a relationship.

“Wow,” she said. “He’s really serious about you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked her.

“Well, the last girl he dated, they went on four dates,” she said. “She gave it up to him on the last date, and then he was done with her. He wanted nothing more to do with her. I’d had high hopes for that one. But I’ve never seen him chase down a woman he’s already had.” After a moment of silence, she asked, “What are you gonna do about it?”

“I honestly don’t know,” I said.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know how I felt. Everything with Spencer had just been sprung on me, and then everything else happened with the shooting. It was just too damn much to process. The things I needed to think about all just seemed to be piling up. I wasn’t great at making huge decisions so quickly, which was probably why I was always alone.

“How do you feel about him?” she asked.

“Well, I know that I really want to get to know him,” I said. “I’ve got this strong connection to him, for whatever reason. I can’t get him out of my head, Isobel. I’m serious. But this is all so foreign to me. I’ve never felt this way about a guy before.” I felt weird for admitting that I’d never been in love before, but it was true.

Isobel smiled at me and walked over, and the two of us sat down at her kitchen table. “That’s fate,” she said. “The undeniable connection that you’re feeling. That’s fate. Don’t let it slip away. Because he could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

“He could also be the worst thing ever,” I said. “There’s a lot of violence.”

“Listen, there really isn’t a lot of violence around here,” she said. “Sure, they do things outside of town with other clubs, but it never blows back on us. This is the first time something like this has happened. We’re all trying to figure out how to cope with it.”

She stood up and went back into her kitchen. She grabbed drinks for the boys and brought them out to them. And then she came back and sat next to me again.

She was right. I’d never even stopped to think about the fact that everybody else was just as affected as me, and yeah, I was acting like a big baby. It made me feel guilty.

“I guess you’re right,” I said. “I’m just nervous about the violence.”

There was a knock at the door and then the door opened. Spencer walked in. I felt my heart skip a beat, and butterflies filled my stomach the second I saw him. But I also felt nervous, because we weren’t on the best of terms right then.

Isobel looked at me. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t expect him to come back so soon.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said.

Then she got up from the table and walked over to where he was standing in the living room.

“You figure anything out yet?” he asked me.

“No,” I said. How could he expect me to figure anything out? It had only been a few hours since we even had the conversation. He was really frustrating.

“I’m meeting with the club president tomorrow morning, in case you were wondering,” he said to me.

“That’s good,” I said to him.

Then I stood up, walked over to Isobel, and gave her a hug. She apologized, again. I told her not to worry about it, and then I left and headed home. I couldn’t bear to be around him anymore. All I wanted to do was run over and hug him and kiss him. I wanted to confess my love for him. I wasn’t even understanding my own thoughts.

It had been so hard for me to walk past him like that. I didn’t even look at him. I knew if I did, I would’ve started crying. I would’ve broken down. I didn’t want to do that in front of him. I couldn’t do that in front of him. Especially not in front of his boys.

I got in my car and drove home. It was hard for me to drive home and not cry. A few tears slipped out, but I wiped them away and continued driving. I had to focus on driving. I couldn’t just break down. I needed to get home, at least. But I really wanted to be far away from him. Away from all our crazy feelings and thoughts. There was so much that had been going on, and I wasn’t even sure what do with anything I was feeling.

I pulled up to my house, got out of my car, and went inside. I wiped a few tears away and sat down on my couch, in my empty living room, all by myself. I thought about what had gotten me to this point.