It was two days after the shooting. I hadn’t called in to work or talked to anyone from the club. I was still in complete shock. I had never been around anything like that before in my life. To top it off, it had also been the day I’d given my virginity away to a guy that I barely even knew. I was beginning to have doubts, and I was starting to regret it, even though it had been the best experience of my life and had been so amazing. I came twice, something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do.

It was all too much. It was all too overwhelming. How was I supposed to deal with the shooting, along with the fact that I had to wrap my head around losing my virginity, too?

What if I were pregnant? How fucking stupid of me not to use protection. Anger burned in my belly, but I tried to let it go.

I had spoken with Isobel the day before, but I called her at home. I told her that I wasn’t sure I was even going to come back to work. She said that made her sad and that she hoped I would change my mind.

“I love having you at work,” she’d told me. “You’re like my work best friend. Actually, you are my best friend.”

It was funny to hear her say that because I’d been thinking the same thing. I just didn’t want to say it first. We had only known each other for about a week, but I felt like we’d known each other for years. She was so easy to talk to.

It took a lot, but I pulled myself out of bed, got ready, and headed into work. I still got there five minutes early, which I guessed was a perk of living pretty much across the street from it. I had been hoping that I wouldn’t run into Spencer. He owned the place, and it was his club’s business, but there was always the chance that he wasn’t going to be there. I was holding on to that hope

I first saw Isobel, and she waved at me. That was when I saw Spencer. He came over to me right away.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “I’ve been trying to call you.”

“I know,” I said. “How is the girl that got shot?” I didn’t know her name. I had only just met her that day.

“She’s doing okay,” he said. “It was just on the shoulder. The bullet didn’t even get stuck inside of her arm. It is mostly superficial.”

I felt relief that there was nothing wrong with her. I also was happy that she didn’t have to go through a bunch of surgeries to try to remove the bullet or whatever. I was glad that she was doing okay.

“That’s good,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say to him.

“Are you okay?” he asked again.

I shrugged.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “You can talk to me, you know?”

He was trying to reassure me, but I didn’t feel very reassured. I just felt confused.

“Listen, Spencer, I’m not sure I can do this,” I said.

I had to tell him then. The only other option was to hold onto the secret, and then things would have just been awkward. Just seeing him, I knew that I needed to leave. It would be so much safer for me to stay away from him. The violence and the danger were too much for me. I couldn’t handle it. I considered myself a strong person, but sometimes, even strong people have their weak points.

“Are you serious?” he asked.

I nodded my head. “Yeah, I don’t know what’s happening with me. I don’t do these sort of things. I stay away from danger. And danger surrounds you. I lost my virginity. I just gave it away to some guy that I barely even know. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

I turned to leave, but Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me into him. He pressed his lips to mine, and I kissed him back, mostly because I knew it would be the final kiss we would ever share.

“Please don’t leave,” he said.

He was clinging onto me, and it was weird after everything that Isobel had said to me about him. I just couldn’t imagine that he was the type of guy that she described. He was practically begging me to stay.

“I can’t,” I said. “I’m sorry. It’s just too dangerous for me.”

I needed to be honest with him. I felt like he deserved that. I didn’t want to be the type of person that just ghosted him. He needed to know why I didn’t want to be around him anymore. I turned to leave because I couldn’t stand there anymore. I left it open so he could interpret that this was also my resignation. I couldn’t work in the same place as him. That would be too weird. I’d lasted one week. One week, and I almost lost my sanity. I didn’t know how to handle that.

“Please,” he begged once more.

“Spencer, I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I walked away from him. I passed Isobel on my way out and paused. I was sure that I owed her some sort of explanation.

“Come to my house tonight,” she said. She didn’t even ask me. She just told me to come to her house.

I told her I would be there. Because regardless of what was happening, I still wanted to be her friend. I still needed somebody like her in my life.

She gave me a hug, and then, I left. I went back to my house with a heaviness in my heart. I didn’t know what to do or think. I had been really starting to like this guy. But I knew I couldn’t continue on. There was no way. Who knew what was going to happen next week? It could be something worse than what was going on now.

I sat down on my couch and thought about the last week with Spencer. I wished I had taken him up on his offer to hang out with him and his kids at his house and spent more time with them. If I’d known things between us would be over just as fast as they’d begun, I probably would have. It was hard for me. I sat there, and I tried to wrap my head around everything that was going on.

I thought about the morning before the shooting. How hot it had been to be with Spencer. And how happy I’d felt. I hadn’t expected to feel that happy after losing my virginity. I had expected to feel awful about myself. But I didn’t feel that way after I slept with him. I felt more like an adult than I had in my entire life. I also felt something else. I was afraid to admit that maybe it was love.

It wasn’t strange, though, because I had felt something the moment I met him. But just when I realized that, it broke my heart. Being with Spencer could have been my chance at real love, and I blew it. But I knew I had to protect myself. I was getting in way too deep and way too far ahead of myself.