I let a few days go by before I even thought about trying to make contact with Alexa again. It killed me to walk out of her apartment earlier in the week, but it had killed me even more to not be able to see her or talk to her since. Whenever my cell phone would ring, I would hold my breath, hoping it was her calling.

Unfortunately, it never was.

Since Alexa and I got together, we had spent very few days apart from one another. Even when we weren’t together, we’d talk on the phone or send text messages back and forth.

For the first few nights, after we split, I felt like I was in shock. Eventually, that feeling wore off and was replaced with emptiness. I felt like I was lost. All I could do was go to work before coming back to my apartment to pace back and forth on the floor.

I couldn’t force myself to eat. I barely got any sleep. It had been too long, and I couldn’t take it anymore. That Saturday, I decided that I needed to see her and at least try to talk to her again. I knew she had a day off coming up, so I waited until that day and drove over to her apartment.

Her SUV wasn’t there, and I didn’t want to go inside uninvited like I did last time. That might cause even more tension, and that definitely wasn’t needed. Instead, I parked my truck and waited for her to come home.

I was waiting in my truck for close to two hours before I spotted her pulling into the parking lot. As she got out of her SUV, she looked right over in my direction. She was completely aware that I was there.

I figured the fact that she saw that I was waiting for her would be a good thing. Hopefully, she’d know that I really meant what I’d said to her.

She’d see that I was genuinely sorry and realize how desperate I was to have her back in my life. She’d know that I meant it when I told her I loved her. If only things could have been that easy.

Alexa completely ignored the fact that I was there and proceeded to grab the things she had in her vehicle. It looked like she’d been to the grocery store and a couple of department stores.

The back of her SUV was filled with bags. Once she grabbed as much as she could, she made her way towards the door. I figured that was the perfect time for me to make my move, so I jumped out of my truck, grabbed the rest of the bags and made my way to her door just as she was coming back out.

If looks could kill, I would have been dead on her front porch.

“Nick, you need to put the bags down and go back to your truck. I don’t need your help, and you’re not coming inside,” she said, standing in front of the door with her arms crossed in front of her.

“Well, I’m not going to put any of these bags down unless it’s inside so it looks like we might have ourselves a little stalemate here,” I responded, smiling at her with a crooked smirk.

I wasn’t trying to be a smart-ass, even though I was coming across that way. I was just trying to keep to situation light to keep her from feeling on edge. Alexa stood there staring at me, dumbfounded by how hard-headed I could be. Finally, she shook her head and walked back into her apartment.

I followed Alexa inside and sat her bags in the kitchen. She had already busied herself with putting her groceries away and was doing everything she could to avoid even looking in my direction.

I stood there for a minute, hoping she would eventually say something to me. When she didn’t, I started helping her by taking some of the things out of her bags for her, keeping my eyes on her the entire time. Eventually, she slammed the refrigerator door as hard as she could and turned to face me.

I was expecting to see her face twisted in anger, but instead, I saw tears running down her cheeks.

“Nick, can you please just stop this?” she pleaded.

“Alexa,” I started as I walked over to the fridge, standing directly in front of her.

“Please, Nick,” she interrupted. “I want you to stop this. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Can’t you see how much you’ve hurt me? Can’t you see how much you’re hurting me now? Do you even care?”

“Yes, I care. What kind of question is that? Would I be here if I didn’t care? Do you think I want to hurt you? Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love you more than you could ever know. I love you so much. I just want to do whatever I can to fix this. I want to make this right.”

“How do you expect to fix this? This isn’t something that can be fixed. You fix things that are broken. This relationship isn’t broken. It’s far beyond that. It’s been destroyed. There’s nothing that can be done about that. What part of this are you not understanding? You lied to me about where you’ve been. You said you were from California when you were actually sitting in a prison cell. I can’t handle that. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. I don’t love you at all. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want anything to do with you. The only thing I want is for you to walk out that door and never come back!”

Alexa was staring up at me, talking to me through a clenched jaw. I’d never seen that side of her, and it made me miss the fun and carefree girl that I’d come to love.

“Alexa, think about what you’re saying to me. There’s no way you can mean that” I replied, stepping in so close to her that her back was up against the fridge.

“Nick, you need to stop. Don’t come any closer,” she warned, putting her hand on my chest to keep some separation.

I wasn’t giving up that easily. I grabbed the hand that was on my chest and moved it to my cheek. I hoped that if she touched me, something might come back to her.

She tried to pull her hand away, but I wouldn’t let her. I knelt down just a little and pushed my hips into hers.

“Nick, let me go,” she whispered.

Alexa was breathing heavily now. I wasn’t sure if it was because she was scared of me, even though I was trying to be as non-threatening as possible, or if it was because she was turned on.

If it was the latter, I wanted to find out. She was wearing a dress, so I took my hand and ran it up on the inside of her leg. Her body moved with my touch.

“I wish you would understand, Alexa, that I love you so much, and it’s impossible for me to just let you go that easily. Without you in my life, it feels like a part of me has died,” I whispered into her ear as I started to rub at her panties with my fingers.

I thought she was enjoying it. I was waiting for her to turn and moan into my ear like she’d done so many times before. Instead, I heard her begin to sob.

What in the fuck was I thinking? How could I have actually thought that would have worked? I was trying to seduce her into taking me back and instead, I only made her more afraid of me than she already was. I knew I fucked things up even more so I let her go and stepped away from her. She cowered on the floor, looking horrified.

“I’m so sorry, Alexa. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen,” I told her, sincerely meaning it.

I wasn’t sure what had come over me. The actions I was taking were all wrong. I felt like a monster. I shouldn’t have even been there. I turned around and ran from the apartment.