CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
SARA
The words echoed in my ears, running over and over until it was all I could hear. I am sure any other woman who Cooper asked to move in for good with him would have been ecstatic at the words—I was pretty sure of that—probably jumping up and down and confessing their undying love for him.
But I wasn’t most women.
Whatever blissful contentment I felt was popped like a bubble, and suddenly it felt like I was too close to him. I remedied that by straightening, then slowly standing up as I tried to take a deep breath. Realizing I was naked and vulnerable, I quickly found my clothes on the floor and shimmied back into them.
I tried to find the right words to say. Cooper was watching me, whatever satisfaction on his expression gone now as he simply looked…frustrated and worried.
“Don’t you think we’re moving too fast?” I asked when I still didn’t know what to say.
“What’s too fast about this, Sara?” he asked back.
“Everything’s too fast about this,” I blurted out. My hands rose up, indicating at the two of us and sweeping throughout the whole area. At the back of my mind, I could feel the panic sliding in and trying to flow in my blood. It also roared in my ears, practically deafening me. “Us. This. Whatever’s going on between us. We were just fooling around, then suddenly we’re flying away to meet family, and now you’re asking me to move in with you.”
He straightened again with effort, grunting when it pained him. I wanted to reach over and help, but I stood my ground. “So is that your answer?”
“Is what my answer?”
“You really think we’re just fooling around?”
I held my hands out again, frustration rising in me, too. “I dunno. What else could it be? Surely it can’t be anything serious. It feels like there is too much at stake.”
And just like that, I watched the frustration leave his face to be replaced by a hard, stony expression.
“You’re right. There’s too much at stake.”
The words came out of his mouth in a soft drawl, casual and almost pleasant. Cutting, too. I felt it slice through my heart, a clean cut that I didn’t feel until it was too late. My hand trembled, and I had to hide it behind me and fist it to steady it.
“So we’re okay? I can’t move in with you, and you have to agree.”
“I don’t agree.”
I blinked. “But you said—”
“There’s too much at stake, yes, but I’m willing to risk it.”
My breath whooshed out at the intensity of his tone, and the panic set in again. “Then we have to end this now because I’m not willing to risk it.”
Silence filled the room, one that had dread settling in the pit of my stomach. Cooper looked down.
“Okay.”
It felt like I was losing my breath. It felt like there was no oxygen left, and the walls were closing in on me. I mumbled that I needed to get some air and expected him to comply.
But Cooper’s next words had me freezing. “If that’s how you feel, I want to be alone. I can take care of myself.”
My heart dropped.
I may have said yes. I may not have said anything at all. All I knew was that I was out of there before I could stop myself, forcing a smile from my mouth as I bid him goodbye. He may have said something, but I couldn’t hear it over the roar in my ears. It didn’t matter.
I was out of there in no time. Crushed.
*****
The next few weeks were filled with busy days and misery—busy days, because I was trying to throw all my attention towards work again to keep from thinking too much and letting that misery consume me.
It irritated me that I was miserable because I wasn’t supposed to be. I was free now, with none of the doubts roaming in my mind about how Cooper and I were moving too fast. The panic was gone after I returned back to the mansion, even while emptiness replaced it and took root in my soul.
I could deal with emptiness, rather than moving in with Cooper and realizing later on that it wouldn’t work out, because there was just too much involved that could potentially destroy us. And wouldn’t that be unfair for both of us in the long run? He expected more, and I wasn’t sure I could give it to him.
It was better to hurt him and be hurt now, rather than later when we were both in too deep.
It was a rational thought. Unfortunately, rationality had nothing to do with feelings, and fighting off the misery took up most of my time. The time flew, though, as soon as the holidays came and my kids were back in town, distracting me the way they only could. I could tell they sensed something was off, but they didn’t say anything once I announced that it was over between me and Cooper, and I was on to a new chapter of my life.
Then it was Daytona 500, I was traveling to the venue, and it was time to watch Gray win.
The major race day was one for the books, with its clear-skied weather and all the popular racers in attendance. I spotted some new faces, including Honey’s, as they all lined up with their cars for the start. The crowd cheered, and Kate and I navigated our way over to the special area for relatives and managers.
Kate looked like she was having the time of her life cheering Gray on, and I tried my best to do the same as they all lined up. Then an orange car was eased forward to line up with them, and Cooper walked in his race suit and waved at the crowd.
He smiled. No, he grinned. The cheer practically became deafening, but all I could do was remain quiet as I felt the air leave my lungs and make breathing just a little bit too difficult. His car was next to Honey’s, who gave him a wave, which he returned with a thumbs-up sign. Then the announcer was there, and everyone was ready and inside their respective cars. Minutes later, the pace laps started and the race was beginning.
Kate and I weren’t on our feet like most of those outside the special area, but that didn’t mean our bodies weren’t revved up. We’d ordered food to share beforehand, sitting on a folding table right in front of us: hot dogs in buns, popcorn, sodas, some nachos with cheese. I was half-starving, having only had fruits for breakfast at the hotel room I’d booked before heading out. Unfortunately, even while I was supposed to eat, I found my appetite gone as my eyes focused on the race.
It started out pretty steady at first, with Gray in the lead and Cooper and the others just a bit behind. The announcer’s enthusiastic play by play was pretty contagious, but I wanted to witness everything with my own eyes. I must have said something out loud, because Kate nudged me, grinned and indicated to the binoculars in our laps.
Right.
I used mine right away and zoned in on Gray, following his lead. Racing never failed to excite me, and this one was no different as I felt the crowd’s emotion vibrate through the bleachers and pass on to me. It made my body vibrate, too, and all worries fell away as I put down my binoculars and watched everything with a sharp eye. This, this was the thrill that helped me get through my loneliness years ago. Now, this was the thrill that made my blood sing.
I would have been satisfied with that, with the misery leaving me bit by bit. But just as Gray was about to carry his lead to the winning line, a streak of orange flashed past him, making the crowd roar again—some in protest, others in excited cheer.
Cooper.
And just like that, the thrill in my body escalated to the point of no return.
I was supposed to watch Gray, but I was watching Cooper instead—watching the power in his movements and maneuvering, watching as he took the lead like a blast of sunshine and had my blood roaring. He relentlessly kept it up until the last few rounds, when he and Gray went head to head again. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Honey following behind, and I was so proud of her that I couldn’t even speak. But for the life of me, I still couldn’t take my eyes off the orange car, every single thought in me wishing only one thing: that Cooper would take this to the very end and win.
They were head to head for a long time. They were gaining lead alternately, and I forgot to breathe. Gray took the lead again for a longer span of minutes, but just at the last round, Cooper zoomed past him again and blew the crowd on its feet.
My hand went to grab the nearest thing to keep myself steady, which turned out to be Kate’s wrist. We turned our heads to look at each other at the same time. Her eyes widened. Then we swiftly turned back to watch as the final leg of the race came, with Cooper still in the lead.
I let go of her hand and closed my eyes, feeling shame for what I was feeling at the moment—as Gray’s manager, it was irresponsible. But I couldn’t stop the feeling even if I tried, as it poured in me in endless waves. Why?
Why now?
A hand landed on top of mine, warm. I opened my eyes and found Kate looking at me, ignoring the crowd who shouted in joy.
“Cooper won,” Kate said softly, making my heart jump. She squeezed my hand, her expression so understanding that it hurt. “I didn’t realize anything was going between you two…”
I looked down. “Nothing. It was nothing. I ended it. Everything was complicated. It’s a conflict of interest; he’s younger than me; I wasn’t ready—”
Her hand squeezed mine again, stopping me.
“Everything had been complicated for me and Gray, too. Don’t you remember the scandals?”
I nodded. “I did. I do. But this is different.”
“If it’s love, it’s exactly the same. You don’t push things aside for love.”
I met her gaze—no, I stared. She stared right back, looking all peaceful but not smug. It was a surprise, really, that someone almost ten years younger than me could have so much insight and so much knowledge. But then again, everyone could see how in love she and Gray were and how they made it work, despite the media and even Kate’s brother being once against it.
It was enlightening.
“I’m Gray’s manager,” I whispered.
“And you will keep being his manager, because love has nothing to do with that,” she said firmly. “It’s not like you rigged the game or anything like that. Stop using it as an excuse.”
“Since when did you become so argumentative?”
“I’ve always been,” she said sweetly. “You just haven’t seen this side yet.”
I laughed.
“Stop running away from what makes you happy. I promise, it will be the best decision of your life. And…” She squeezed my hand for the third time. “If you mope and don’t listen to me, I’m going to make Gray fire you so you can mope some more.”
I stared at her incredulously, then stared some more when I saw amusement glinting in her eyes. Reluctantly, I chuckled. Then I squeezed her hand back one last time and stood up, pulling her with me.
“You need to congratulate your husband for winning second,” I said firmly.
Kate grinned. “And you need to congratulate…first place.”
“Not now. Maybe later. I need some time to think first.”
She nodded in understanding, then went ahead. I stayed where I was and looked down at the crowd, spotting Cooper as he was surrounded by well-wishers and thinking that smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in a while.
Then I turned around and left, knowing I had some thinking to do.