NINETEEN
Tracey
Now I get it. The shit he said he has to deal with and the ‘love’ he hopes he can find ‘again.’ The reason he keeps backing off; he has a girlfriend, or he did. Someone he loves. Here I thought he wasn’t into commitment and he didn’t want to have sex with me because he thought I deserved better than a casual hook up. Wrong again. He’s already committed…to someone else.
My head is spinning. Why the hell am I following him into his bedroom?
Will you never learn?
I guess not. I’m a big fool who keeps making the same bullshit mistakes over and over. My theory was wrong too, after all. I don’t always fall for gay guys, I fall for unavailable guys.
“Have a seat,” Dak says. He sounds nervous. What a joke, he’s nervous.
I look around the room. The décor is sparse, but clean for a guy’s room. A few surfing and hockey posters hang on the walls. The furnishings consist of a desk and chair, a tall chest of drawers, and a bed. It’s covered in a gray down comforter with matching sheets, and since the desk chair is piled high with clothes, unless I want to sit on the floor it’s the only place to sit.
Oh, what the hell. I slept next to him in a bed all night last night and the only time he touched me was when I begged him to. I sit on the edge of the bed, my hands on my lap and wait for the illusive explanation which is going to make everything between Dak and me okay.
The bed creaks in response to his muscled weight on the edge of the bed next to me. He rubs his hands over his face and keeps tapping his legs, but he hasn’t said a word.
I begin the conversation, because I want to get this over with and get as far away from him as possible. Well, as far away as the house next door, at least.
“I opened up to you about some of my deepest secrets last night and you didn’t think it might be a good idea to tell me about your girlfriend, Abbey, the girl you’re in love with?”
I’m going to talk to Professor Clancy tomorrow, there’s no way I can be lab partners with Dak for the rest of the semester. And we for sure aren’t skating together. Bri will be happy to know I can’t skate in the Winter Fest after all. Speaking of Bri, does this Abbey girl know how he’s cheating on her? I almost feel sorry for her. I wouldn’t wish that painful heartbreak on anyone.
I glance over at him in the middle of the pissed off verbal spew in my mind. His chest is heaving in shallow breaths like he’s trying to get the courage to speak. He’s scared…scared to tell me what he has to tell me.
“I…I don’t want to tell you this,” he says in a barely audible voice.
And I don’t want to be sitting here listening to your bullshit story.
“No. I’m sure you don’t. That’s obvious. Why—”
“I’m not in love with Abbey,” he says, his voice low. He’s staring down at the floor, leaning over his legs, arms resting on his thighs, his head dropped forward. “There is no Abbey. Not anymore,” he whispers.
“Did she break up with you?”
Probably the reason he’s whoring around with Bri and whoever else. He’s trying to get over a broken heart. The irony almost makes me snicker, but he seems to be hurting and even though he’s hurt me with his lies, I can’t be cruel.
“No. She didn’t break up with me,” he murmurs, still staring at the black carpet between his feet. “She died, and it’s my fault.”
I sit there speechless and let his words sink in. I can’t have heard him right. “What? What did you say?”
“I said, Abbey’s dead because of me.” He turns to me.
“I…I don’t understand. Wolfe said she’s your girlfriend,” I say in a softer voice, because now I know for sure he’s hurting and it’s for something much worse than a girl breaking up with him.
“She was my girlfriend and I did love her. It was three years ago. Freshman year.” He looks back down at the floor. “Abbey was…well she was great. Pretty, sweet…she was… kind of petite and fragile. She really loved me and depended on me to be there for her and I loved being there for her. We got hot and heavy pretty fast.”
My stomach is a balled knot as Dak explains his love for another girl, one who is no longer here. I hear the tenderness in his voice and the pain for her loss. This is so much more than my pain over what went down with Sean. Sean is alive and my memories of him are only as a complete asshole, not as someone sweet and worthy of my love. Dak says he’s responsible for her death! Whatever that means, it has to be a heavy burden to live with.
Once he begins to open up, the story pours out of him in an unrestrained flood.
“We were together for almost a year. Things were good. We were …I guess we were in love…a couple, always together. But Abbey…well…she wasn’t…she wasn’t into athletic activities. She…she didn’t like the water. It was okay. We had a good time together hanging out doing other things, but I couldn’t imagine someone not loving being out in nature on a river or in the ocean. I felt like she was missing something. I thought if I could get her out there she would see what she was missing. I could get her to love being on the water if I showed her how mind-blowing the scenery and experience was on the river. Maybe even take her kayaking and snorkeling at some point, even get her into the ocean and teach her how to surf.”
He stares across the room. His vacant gaze isn’t focused on anything. His eyes are blank liquid pools, only reflecting the imagery inside his head to himself.
“It was early spring, I needed to get some samples from the east branch of the Penobscot River for a project.” He closes his eyes like he’s reliving the scene in his head.
I don’t say a word. He listened to my whole sordid story last night and the result was cleansing, almost healing for me. The least I can do is allow him the same opportunity to purge his soul. Whatever he’s about to tell me, I owe him that much.
“The river waters were high from all the melt off. That area of the river can be tough when the waters are high, but I’d done it many times before so I didn’t think twice about taking out the canoe. I liked using a canoe because it was easier than a kayak to maneuver along the bank and collect whatever specimens I needed.”
He’s clutching his hands together, still leaning forward on his legs. “Abbey didn’t want to go. She legit wasn’t into the water. I used to tease her, because she grew up on the coast of North Carolina and never got into water activities.” His eyes are clamped shut, and he gives his head a slow shake, like he’s disgusted with himself for having given Abbey a hard time for her lack of enthusiasm for the ocean.
“She kept telling me she wasn’t comfortable being in a canoe. But I knew she could swim. We had picnicked on some of the lakes and played around in the water. She was okay with being in the lakes. I insisted she would be fine, that she would love it and she could wear a life vest. Besides, I would be there and wouldn’t let anything happen to her.” His voice drops to an almost inaudible whisper.
I hate where this is going. My heart is pounding against my ribs. I want to reach out and hold him, tell him everything is fine. But it’s not fine. His shoulders are beginning to shake and tears are spilling over onto his cheeks. He’s falling apart in front of me and I don’t know if it’s my place to comfort him. He opens his eyes and runs his hand over his face to brush back the tears, though he still doesn’t turn to look at me. He keeps staring straight ahead at empty air.
“I launched the canoe far enough down on the trail so we would be beyond white water. The current was crazy strong there too, though, and Abbey was still extremely nervous. I kept pointing things out to her, trying to get her to relax and take in the beautiful things all around us. I rowed closer to the shoreline to collect some plant life and Abbey stood up to try to move toward me. I don’t know if she thought we were going to get out of the canoe or if she was just trying to get closer to me. I don’t know what the fuck she was doing…I never got a chance to ask her. The last thing I heard her say before we went over was ‘Dak, I want…’”
He rubs his hands over his face and then he leaves his face buried in the palms of his hands. His pain is palpable. I reach out and touch his arm to remind him I’m here, despite knowing it’s not nearly enough. His muscle tenses under my touch, but his only response is to continue telling me about the horrific memory unfolding inside his mind.
“I yelled for her to sit down, but it was too late. When we tipped over I went under and the current started pulling me away from the canoe. When I finally pushed myself to the surface, Abbey was screaming my name. She was being pulled away by the current too.” He turns to me for the first time since telling me Abbey was dead and I see the terror and anguish in his tortured eyes.
“I tried. I tried to get to her. I kept swimming until my muscles were on fire, but I couldn’t reach her. Even though she had a life vest on, the water was freezing and she kept getting pulled away with the current. I kept yelling for her to swim. Keep swimming, Abbey!” he yells, like he’s back in the frigid, racing waters and she can hear him. “The last thing she said before she disappeared around a bend in the river was, ‘I can’t, Dak. I’m sorry.’ Christ. She was sorry. She was apologizing to me for not being able to fight the freezing water and current.”
His eyes are pleading with me now; pleading with me to say something to help him understand why or how this could have happened.
“Oh, Dak. I’m so sorry,” I whisper and stroke his arm. “But you know this wasn’t your fault, right?”
“There’s no question it was my fault. Abbey wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me. She didn’t want to go. I insisted. I told her it would be fine and she thought I would be there for her, protect her and take care of her. But I fucking couldn’t. I was too weak.”
It’s like he can’t hold himself up and he slides off the bed onto the floor. He crosses his arms onto his knees and drops his head onto them. His shoulders are trembling and he’s gasping for air between sobs. I shift off the bed and join him on the floor.
“No. You tried. You did everything you could.” I try to comfort him with my hands, making small circles on his back, although at this point he’s so distraught he may be numb to my touch.
“Yeah. I did everything I could to pull myself onto the shore,” he sneers into his own arms. “My muscles felt like they were paralyzed from the cold, but I tried to run along the shoreline to see if I could find Abbey and pull her out. I couldn’t find her.” He shakes his head.
“Dak, it was—”
“They found her several hours later, downriver.” Dak finally looks up at me, his beautiful face and eyes swollen and red. “I stayed at the river to help search, even though the rescue team kept insisting I needed medical attention and should leave in the ambulance. There was no way I was leaving there without Abbey.”
His voice drifts off in a distant whisper. “I saw her when they pulled her out and laid her onshore. Her beautiful hair was tangled across her face and for a second the ridiculous thought crossed my mind that it wasn’t her. Can you fucking believe it? I tried to convince myself it wasn’t her.” His lips flatten into a tight line as he shakes his head and blows out a forced snigger.
“When they moved her hair off her face, she was so blue I almost couldn’t recognize her. And when they asked me to identify her, I…I threw up. Her big strong hero, the guy who was supposed to take care of her, threw up.” Still sitting on the floor, he drops his head back onto the mattress. Staring at the ceiling, he stretches his legs straight out in front of him on the floor and blows out another huge breath.
“You weren’t responsible for Abbey. She was an adult, able to make her own decisions, and she decided to go with you to the river.”
“She decided to go with me because she loved me and would’ve done anything I asked her to,” he says, not looking at me.
“I get that.”
Believe me, no one gets that kind of devotion better than me.
“Even so, it was her decision. It was an accident. You did your best to save her. You aren’t a superhero, you’re only human. You did everything humanly possible.” I push myself back up onto the bed and he turns his head to look at me.
“An accident. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.”
“Yes, but…”
“But what?” He pushes himself up and sits next to me on the bed. He’s looking at me with such anticipation, like I’ll speak some words of wisdom to make this all better. I want to. I want to say something to make it better.
“What if there are no accidents? What if things happen the way they’re supposed to happen? What if it was just Abbey’s time?”
“You mean Abbey was supposed to die?” he asks in wide-eyed disbelief.
“I think…it could be no matter what she did that day it was her time.”
“Like everything happens for a reason. Is that what you’re saying?” He smirks. “You don’t really believe that.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I do.”
“So everything that went down between you and Sean was supposed to happen?” He sneers, like he’s angry with me for suggesting Abbey’s death wasn’t his fault.
The suggestion takes me aback for a moment. I had never thought of it in those terms before. “I suppose so, because…if…if I hadn’t gone through what I did with Sean, I wouldn’t be here now and I…I would never have met you.”
He stares at me for a moment and then reaches over and takes my hand, lacing his fingers in mine.
“I’m glad you’re here, Trace. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Abbey last night, but I thought you’d already been through enough, talking about all the crap from your past. I wanted to give you some time. I’ve been trying to get past my feelings of guilt over what happened for three years. I don’t know if I ever will, but I know I want to. I’m glad we’re friends.” He stops talking and stares at me.
“Please don’t go. Please stay with me for a while. I promise I won’t touch you or bother you…just…please stay.”
He won’t touch me. I know. He made the vow of never touching me again perfectly clear last night. But can I make the same promise to him?