Chapter 31
Brynn
The only light left on in the house was the chandelier that hung above the dinner table, casting a romantic light on the vase of roses. Next to it, Chloe had set out a bottle of wine with two glasses. Romantic jazz played, a whisper over the speakers. Next to the wine stood a folded note. Shea hurried over, unfolded the note and began to read.
“What's it say?” I asked.
Shea read aloud. “Hi Dad. Sorry to leave on such short notice. I made up with Mom and she came to pick me up. But I'll be back tomorrow with Nick and Cam. P.S. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about our secret! I hope you and Brynn have a fun night to yourselves.”
“She played us,” I laughed as I set the unneeded box of tampons to the table. “I don't even know what to say.”
“Outfoxed by a fourteen-year-old.” Shea turned to me. “Well … should we have a glass of wine?”
“We're certainly supposed to.”
He poured two glasses of wine and the two of us sat on the couch. I sipped my wine and laughed.
“What? What is it?” Shea asked.
Truth be told, it was the whole scene: the ease and convenience at which we found ourselves home alone, the sudden closeness as I curled up next to the athlete on the couch, the mood-setting music, the smoky wine … it was almost too much.
“Are you sure you didn't plan this?” I asked.
“I swear, Brynn.”
“So she did it all on her own,” I mused, taking another sip of wine. “That daughter of yours? She's a smart one.”
“Believe me, I know it. That's half the reason I've had problems with her. Too smart for her own good.”
“I'm so glad she's willing to give therapy a try,” I said. “That takes a lot of pressure off my back.”
“Yeah.” Shea nodded. “She said that you were in therapy for years, and you recommended it.”
“Oh. Yep. That's true.” I downed the rest of my wine.
Should I tell him now?
Shea refilled my glass. “You're so steady, Brynn. I never would've imagined it.”
“I guess therapy helped, then.”
He smiled. “Good. I hope it helps Chloe.”
Nervously, I fidgeted with my hands. I felt it building up inside me—it wanted to come out. Now was the time—before I'd allow myself to get my hopes up about Shea, I had to let him know. I had to give him the talk.
“Shea …”
“Yeah?”
Here goes.
“Remember when I told you that the boys in high school never asked me to a dance because I was a mess?”
“Yeah.”
“I had body image issues.”
He gave a sympathetic frown. “I'm sorry to hear it. A lot of young girls suffer with that, don't they?”
“Yeah, but mine took a slightly different path. I feel like I should show you what I showed Chloe.”
“You can show me whatever you're comfortable showing me.”
I pulled out my phone and showed him the pictures from my mom's Facebook.
“Oh, Brynn, you poor thing,” he said, a hand over his heart. “You were so thin.”
“And yet I thought I was so healthy,” I said, flipping through the pictures. “I worked out every day. Jogging, cardio, weights. Literally every day for years.”
“That's why you became a personal trainer?”
“Yeah. I already spent hours at the gym, so why not make it my job?”
“So what happened?”
“I started having health problems in my early twenties. I started feeling weak all the time—my body was so tired, it didn't want to work out, it wanted a break. But I couldn't accept that, and I'd never let myself rest. In a weird way, I thought I was tired because I was at the peak of physical fitness, and staying there was hard work. So I forced myself to soldier on. Until funny things started to happen, like, my hair falling out.”
He put his massive arm around me and squeezed me. “Oh, Brynn.”
“And then I started having heart palpitations, which made me so scared to just move. And I started to feel so weak, I couldn't get out of bed. I was depressed.”
“You were married then, right?”
“Yup. My husband, Mikey, thought I was ridiculous. And even more ridiculous for not going to the doctor—but I didn't need the doctor because I was in such great shape, wink wink.”
“Is that why you two got divorced?”
“Well, there's more to it than that …” I trailed off.
I took a deep breath.
Just tell him.
“I got worse. It was hard just to get out of bed. Some days I didn't. I started losing clients. Finally, Mikey managed to talk me into going to the doctor. One of the things I told the doctor, that I hadn't told Mikey, was that I'd stopped having my period. After a bunch of tests, I was told that I likely had hypothalamic amenorrhea.”
Shea tilted his head at me. “You have what now?”
“That was my reaction, too. Basically, it's a condition where menstruation temporarily stops. What had I accomplished with all my working out and dieting? I'd starved and stressed my body to the point that it halted my reproductive system. I've been infertile ever since.”
“Oh, Brynn.” Shea's mouth fell open. “I'm so sorry. But you said it's temporary?”
“The doctors say that I might be able to have kids someday, but no one really knows. Usually, if you get your body back in order, menstruation begins again within a few months. I had to learn to eat and not hate my body. To be okay with having fat on my body. To not want to spend hours on the treadmill to jog it all off.”
“Well, you seem like you're doing great,” Shea said, his soft eyes locked on mine. “Not only are you a great person, but you have a lovely body, Brynn. Really. You're so feminine and womanly and beautiful.”
I smiled at him. “Thank you. That means a lot, because it's not always easy.” My smile faded. “Especially because I've always been led by this promise of a light at the end of the tunnel—that someday I could get my period again. But with every day that passes, and it doesn't happen, it's like that light gets dimmer and dimmer.”
“Have you been following up with your doctor?”
“Oh, sure, but they just don't know enough about my condition. On one hand, my period could return tomorrow. On the other end, it might never happen. No one can really say.”
“Damn.”
“Mikey didn't even wait to see if I could get my period back. He left shortly after I got my diagnosis. He was so pissed that I'd destroyed my body and ruined our chance at having children together. I begged him to stay, that in the worst-case scenario we could adopt a baby, but he wouldn't have it. He yelled that he would never 'raise another man's seed.'”
“What an idiot.” An ember of rage kindled in Shea's eyes. “I guarantee you, he regrets leaving a girl like you.”
“Thanks. That's kind of you.” I chuckled. “But honestly, I doubt it. Mikey married another girl pretty quickly after our divorce. She's already given him three kids.”
My gaze dropped to the floor, but Shea lifted my chin.
“I doubt she's half as beautiful or as kind as you are.”
I wrapped my hand around his muscled forearm. “Shea, you're sweet. But I'm a completely different girl than the one I was with Mikey. I told you, I was a mess. I bet he still thinks from time to time what a bullet he dodged by dumping me. I can't blame him.”
“Then he's an even bigger idiot,” Shea snarled. “An immature boy.”
I laughed. “Why do you say that?”
“Because he doesn't even know the quality of the woman he left behind. The ability to have a baby isn't the only goddamn thing a woman is good for, Brynn.”
I nodded, but the lump in my throat grew so swollen, it ached.
“So what, you're not perfect—but who is? You've learned from your mistakes, and they've molded you into an incredible person. And now you're helping mold my kids into incredible people, too. The difference between who Chloe was two months ago, and the confident, slightly more patient girl she's starting to become?” Shea paused to reconsidered. “Besides the hijinks she pulled tonight, that is.”
I laughed.
“Or how about the twins? They're actually doing their homework now. Their grades are up. They're eating more and starting to put on a little weight. Small things, sure, but I was struggling with those small things before you came along. And I owe it all to you, Brynn. You've taken your life's lessons and used them to help other people out. I mean, damn, isn't that the most important thing anyone can do on this Earth? Hell, what have I done in my life? I'm just a big dumb hockey player who gets treated like some kind of larger-than-life hero, but all I do is play a game for a living. That's it. I haven't done anything compared to you.”
A tear silently rolled down my cheek. “That's sweet, but no, you've done a lot. You've been a role model for kids. You've helped your teammates grow and become men. You even made a thirteen-year-old girl smooch a poster …!”
We both laughed, and when the laughter died down, Shea gently stroked the tears from my cheek with his thick finger. He cupped my cheek and I closed my eyes and waited. We'd bared our hearts and souls to each other, and now our mouths met in a soft, tender, almost somber embrace—and sure enough, I could taste the salt of my tears on his lips. I'd never been so moved, so touched by a kiss in my life.
But there was still more to say.
I pulled away. “But wait.”
“Hm?”
“There's a reason I told you all that, Shea.”
“What is it?”
“Because I will have a child of my own someday. If my period doesn't return, I plan to adopt. Being a parent is a big thing for me now—it's why I became a nanny. The funny thing is, I wasn't baby crazy at all—all I cared about was working out—until I was told I was infertile. Now, the thought of not having kids just kills me on the inside.”
“Makes total sense, Brynn.”
“Every time I date a guy, I have to give them this speech—because I don't know what the future holds. And I know, it's awkward to bring this up early—but after Mikey, I need to be certain that I'm not wasting any more of my time. So if I know a guy doesn't want kids, or simply isn't willing to adopt if we have to go that route, then … the writing is on the wall for us.”
I stared at him, studied his reaction, made sure he understood totally what I was telling him.
Shea chuckled, slightly uncomfortably. “Well … uh … I honestly thought I was done having kids.”
I frowned. “I know. I remember you saying that.”
“But if you're saying what I think you're saying … and everything between us works out …”
Shea let out a deep breath. Slowly, he began to nod.
“I'd do it, Brynn.”
I laughed in disbelief. “Really?”
“Yeah. It means a lot to you. And you'd obviously be a great mother. It seems wrong to rob the world of a great mom.”
“You wouldn't even mind adoption?”
He shrugged. “No. Why?”
I squinted at him. It felt too good to be true. “Huh. This seems almost too easy.”
He grinned sneakily, like he knew something I didn't. “You don't believe me?”
“You should've seen all the reactions of the guys I've had this talk with. Never, not once, has a single guy been so cool and accepting of it. Usually, they straight up refuse to even think about kids, period. If they manage to get past that hurdle, they draw a line in the sand at adoption.”
Shea was unfazed. “These are younger guys, I'm guessing?”
“Well, yeah, usually around my age or so.”
“Then maybe I've got a little more self-awareness and life experience than they do, Brynn.”
“Yeah … but you're a famous athlete … you can have whoever you want.”
He scoffed. “Yeah, but hockey players truly aren't that famous. Once we retire, we're pretty much forgotten.”
“Aw. So sad. I'll always remember you, Shea Ellis.” I patted the hockey player's stubbly cheek. “But my point is, you're famous, you're rich, you can have practically any girl you want. Why would you ever go for a woman who has to adopt? Why would you spend your resources raising another man's seed, when you've literally got the genetics of a professional athlete?”
With a laugh, he shook his head. “You still don't get it? I told you, a woman is so much more than a baby factory.”
“You say that …”
“Yet you don't believe me?”
“I'm sorry, it's just hard to believe, given what other guys have said to me.”
“Younger, dumber guys, you mean.”
“Well, sure.”
“I'm not them, Brynn.”
“I know … but.”
Shea suddenly stood from the couch and offered me his hand. “Okay then. Come with me.”
“Where are you taking me?”
“I want to show you something.”
I put my hand in his, and he hoisted me to my feet.
What's this about …?