Eve was a complete stranger to anger. She had never experienced that bubbling, all-consuming sensation in her chest that threatened to take her and her life over. Sure, she had been mad before, from time to time. But she had never felt anger such as this. She was angry at the whole wide world. She was angry at her father for giving her a life that she could not bring just anybody into. She was angry at herself for being angry at her family, who had done so much for her. She was angry at Alan for not loving her, and she was angry at herself for not loving him. She was angry at Lind for letting her go. She was angry at herself for being angry at Lind when she knew that he really had no choice.
She thought about him every day, all day—and it was driving her mad. Still, she couldn’t help it. Eve was a stranger to anger, but she was no stranger to love. She had men whom she had loved before; she knew about heartache. And yet, it was never like this. She had never loved and lost like this. She hated that Lind had been able to get under her skin in such a short amount of time, and in such a way that she simply couldn’t get him out of her mind.
“Out of eye, out of mind,” they said, but it wasn’t true at all. Lind was definitely out of her sight, but she couldn’t get him out of her head.
It wasn’t just about how good they had been together, physically. It wasn’t just about how great the sex had been. It was about how he made her feel. Like she was worth it. Like she was special. Like she was one of a kind. Like she was more than her dad’s money. He had made her feel like just Eve, not like Eve Robinson. Lind had not cared about Eve Robinson. He had cared for Eve—although the reason why eluded her entirely. No one had ever made her feel like she was good enough on her own, as herself. Lind had done that, and with him, that wonderful sensation was gone, too.
Eve tried to lose herself in her job, which she continued to do. She simply did not have the energy to turn her life around right now. How empty and futile it all seemed to her now! She couldn’t wrap her mind around all that had happened. She tried to tell herself that it was only a matter of time. She tried to tell herself that she would be miserable for a while—because that’s just what love does to you—and then it would pass. Eve hated it all. She was angry at love, too.
A few times he considered casually dropping by Lind’s neighborhood, but she always changed her mind at the last minute. She would be too conspicuous there; people knew her now. She couldn’t stop wondering whether he had found someone else by now. She had seen the women who gravitated towards him; they all seemed like empty-headed whores.
When these thoughts struck her, Eve would think about the men gravitating towards her. About the man. Alan Sutherland. She tried to make a list in her mind of the things that she saw in him, but she always came up empty-handed. She saw nothing in him, and that was the problem. She saw nothing in her fiancé. She didn’t love him, and he probably (although they never had this conversation) didn’t love her. Why was she even with him?
Eve knew that she couldn’t be with Lind. She knew better than to delude herself. She knew it couldn’t possibly work. But she wanted to be happy. She wanted to be with someone who made her happy. She wanted to be with someone whom she loved and who loved her. Lind had made her see that she deserved that. The thought of being stuck in a dull, loveless relationship for the rest of her life was terrifying.
She didn’t know when she had started to think so much about a loving marriage that would give her emotional fulfillment. God knew she had never believed in that. But she had started to believe now, and she had begun to want that for herself. After all, could she really be destined to remain loveless for the rest of her life, just because her world had rules? Her parents were happy. They loved each other. Why couldn’t she have that? Why not?
She tried. She tried to make things work with Alan and when she couldn’t, she tried to work up the courage to walk out on him. She couldn’t do it. No matter how hard she tried, she didn’t have the energy. She tried to fall in love with him, but she couldn’t do that either. He simply didn’t give her that thrill.
Eve was a stranger to anger. She was a stranger to gut-wrenching pain. But she was no stranger to longing. She had always embraced desire in her life, and she was prepared to allow herself to long. She longed for Lind. She longed to have him by her side. She longed to have him in her bed. She longed to feel his skin and taste his mouth. She longed for their conversations. She longed for mundane things like watching movies together. She longed for kisses that did not necessarily have to lead to anything else, but that she wouldn’t have minded if they did. She longed for breakfasts in bed. She longed for days and nights spent together.
She longed for him. Period.
She tried to tell herself that it was just a matter of time. She tried to tell herself that the pain would fade eventually. She tried to tell herself that someday she would find someone who made her feel that way again. But she was beginning to think that she was just fooling herself. The thing was, she didn’t want Alan or anyone else. She wanted Lind.
She knew he couldn’t have him. So, she would live in her anger and pain and longing to the fullest, and she would try to convince herself that she was worth being loved, just for her. Just like Lind had taught her.