Chapter Thirty-Three
Harrison
It was a panic attack. I went to the doctor later that day to find out what happened to me. I knew I was a healthy guy and in pretty good shape, so it all hit me by surprise when I found myself laying on the ground, thinking I was on my way to death. “Yes, Harrison, you are completely healthy. From what you have told me, it just sounds as though you had a panic attack. Your anxiety, coupled with the fact that you heard your daughter’s voice moments before it happened, is what led me to that diagnosis.”
The reality is that I was not coping with Sarah’s death the way I should have. Instead of letting everything out, I kept it in. That was generally how I handled everything in my life, and right now, it was all starting to catch up with me. I sat in the front room as the relaxing sound of thunder rumbled above me. It was only 11:40, and I thought about giving Caroline a call, but I knew she was probably busy at work. I felt bad about the way I treated her the past few days, and as I held my phone in my hand, I figured that going to see her in person would be the best way to apologize.
I got up from my seat on the couch and walked past Sarah’s room on the way to mine. All of her things were placed back in their original spots. The calmness that I felt before everything had happened was still gone. I sighed, then made my way up to my room to get dressed. Thick, dark rain clouds blanketed the sky above as another rumble of thunder shook the windows in my room. I smiled as I thought about the times that I would hear Sarah’s little feet pitter-patter as she ran to my room in the middle of a thunderstorm. She would launch herself into my bed and wiggle beneath the covers until she nestled her way right underneath my arm.
Those were the memories that I kept locked inside of my mind. The memories that would never allow Sarah to pass away, no matter what was, or wasn’t in her room. Before long, I found myself feeling sillier about the way I acted with Caroline. She didn’t deserve that. I shuddered when I thought about the things I had said to her before she left. I have to make this up to her. When I finished getting dressed, I went downstairs and shut the television off. A stream of lightning lit up the sky as the rain started to crash into the roof. I grabbed my coat out of the closet, and as soon as I opened the door, my eyes widened. Another flash of lighting parted the sky, and a low, thunderous rumble followed right behind it. “Caroline? I was – I was just on my way to see you.”
She looked as though she was afraid to speak. Afraid to make eye contact. The flow of rain picked up, and with that, I grabbed her by the hand and gently tugged her inside. She held her head low. “I’m sorry. Were you getting ready to leave? I didn’t mean to interrupt your–”
“No, no. It’s fine. I um, I was actually headed to the office.”
“Ok. I can come back another time. I was just–”
“I was on my way to see you, Caroline.” Thunder vibrated my home like the heartbeat of God as she stood in front of me. I didn’t know what to say to her. I felt like such an asshole, and I knew I was going to have to dig my way out of this. “Come in, please? Have a seat on the couch. We have a lot to talk about.”
She nodded her head and timidly walked towards the couch. I missed her touch. The way she comforted me during the moments I felt as though I couldn’t carry on with my own strength. It had only been two days, but it felt like two years. I watched her as she walked to the couch and took a seat. I followed behind her and sat on the other side of the couch with a small space between us. Another rumble erupted from the skies above as the rain beat against my home. “Listen. I um, I am really sorry about everything.”
“No, Harrison. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have intruded on Sarah’s space. I should’ve asked first, especially knowing how sentimental you are with her things. I know you keep her voicemails on your phone and everything you have carries some emotional value to it. I didn’t think about that as I was going along. My focus was just to help you out as much as I could. If I would have known what kind of mess I would cause, then I would have never stepped foot in her room.”
Her eyes glimmered with tears. She looked at me for a moment, then fixed her attention directly in front of her. “I need to apologize, too. You should probably know this about me, Caroline. I have a hard time letting go. I hold onto things, and most times, since I don’t let the emotions out, they come out on their own. Forcefully and always at the wrong time. I held onto my pain from Sarah’s death. I can count on one hand the number of times that I shed tears over her death. I kept sweeping things under the rug, just hoping that it would go away on its own.”
I took a deep breath. I had never opened myself up to another person. I was too afraid that they would use my vulnerability against me. I thought that they would see it as a weakness and use it to their advantage. Even now, I was apprehensive about telling her anything else, but she deserved to know. She deserved to understand why I lashed out at her last Sunday. “I swept her death under the rug and lived off her memories. Something inside of me kept feeding me hope that one day,” I glanced at the door, “she would walk through that door with her big, bright smile and tell me she loved me.”
I felt tears forming in my eyes, but I didn’t stop them from falling. It took everything in me to allow them to fall down my cheeks in front of Caroline, but it was time that I let her in. Completely. “I kept torturing myself, trying to convince my mind that this was one, big, horrible dream and I was going to wake up. I was going to wake up and go to Caroline’s graduation, and everything would be fine. That is what I believed, and while I lived in that fairytale world, I didn’t want to touch anything in her room. I wanted everything left exactly the way she had it because she always threw a hissy fit when I touched things in her room.” I smiled at the memories. “So, I left it alone. I didn’t touch anything, and that helped me keep her alive. The voicemails, the clothing. Everything I held onto helped me keep her alive. I was driving myself insane, Caroline.”
I felt her hand grab hold of mine. She scooted closer to me. Waterworks fell from her reddened eyes as she sat quietly, waiting for me to continue. “And then you came along and helped me. You helped me indirectly. When you were around, I felt better. I felt like I could carry on and then, even when you took her things down, I now realized that you helped me. If that never happened, I would’ve never broken down the way I did. I cried all night and the following day. I slept in her room. On her floor. In her bed. I had a panic attack.” I shook my head. “I didn’t even know what those things were, but I heard her voice, and then, I just felt pain. I thought I was going to die.”
She gripped my hand tighter. “But I was alright. I owe you an apology, and a thank you.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Harrison.”
“I do. You helped me break through the barrier and grieve for my daughter. You helped me do that, and I was angry at first because I didn’t understand, but now I understand. You were there to help me all along, and you didn’t even know it. I am sorry. Please, forgive me. Please.”
She wrapped her arms around me and cried with me on the couch as I held onto her like she was the last woman in the world. Lightning lit up the sky. Thunder ensued. Rain beat against the rooftops. I held her, and in the midst of a storm, she was the calm I needed. I didn’t want to lose her, and I couldn’t afford to. Our chemistry lied in between our ability to be ourselves, and unconsciously fill the voids in each other’s lives. She was my void filler. I was grateful to have her in my life.