‘Fika? You want fika?’ asks the woman in the airport foyer as we come in out of the heavily falling snow. She has a small stall laid out with a big coffee flask and a tray of cakes, over which she is brandishing a pair of tongs.
‘No thank you,’ I say, making my way to the machine to check in, brushing the snowflakes from my hat and face.
‘Oh bugger,’ says a British voice next to me as a young woman drops her passport, all fingers and thumbs like me. I bend and pick it up and hand it to her, and recognise her immediately.
‘Hey! You’re Holly, from the night train. With Matty and Liv,’ I say. ‘How are you? Are you all here?’
‘No, just me. Matty and Liv are back in the UK already. How about you? You were looking for a restaurant. Did you find it?’
‘I did. I found the owner who I was looking for.’ My mouth suddenly goes dry at the thought of the warm bed I’ve just left. ‘And you? You were leaving someone behind. Did you . . . did you get in touch again?’
She looks down at her passport and boarding card.
‘Actually, that’s why I’m here. I came back to tell him how I felt. Like you said, holding onto love when you find it.’
‘And?’ My eyes open wide.
She shakes her head. ‘It was a mistake. The hotel where he worked was closed up, and there was no one around. I couldn’t even ring him: I deleted his number when I left. Looks like it wasn’t meant to be after all. I’m going to work on the cruise liners, as a singer. They’re looking for bar staff too. I just had this silly idea that he might want to come with me . . .’ She trails off. ‘But everything changes, doesn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ I say slowly, ‘everything changes.’
‘If only I’d taken the chance when I had it.’ She sniffs, and moves away from the machine.
‘Wait! You said the hotel was shut. Not the Tallfors Hotel, was it?’
‘Yes.’ She blows her nose.
‘It wasn’t by any chance Lars that you were looking for, was it?’
‘Yes!’ She beams. ‘But he’s gone!’ Her face falls again.
‘No, he was just at a wedding.’
‘He got married?’
‘No, not his wedding, a guest’s. It had to be moved because a landslide at the hotel wiped out all the power lines. You’re not leaving without seeing him, are you?’
She nods. ‘What if he doesn’t want to know? I told him we were over before I left and that he should find somebody else. He’s probably met someone by now. It was silly, but I . . . I saw a shooting star and thought of him. Thought he might be thinking of me. That we were supposed to be together. He said that you should wish on a shooting star every time you saw one and that fate had a plan for everyone, even when you least expected it.’
I think about Lars, nursing his broken heart, hoping that one day the love of his life would walk back in through the door.
‘Oh, he’ll want to know,’ I say. So Lars’s grandmother was right all along. There really is such a thing as fate.
‘Lars!’ I shout as I run out of the airport to where Lars has finished unloading all the cases and is about to leave. ‘Lars! Fate has finally arrived!’ and his face lights up like a thousand shooting stars when he sees who’s right behind me, beaming back at him.
I leave Lars and Holly to their reunion, get some fika and sit down, waiting for my flight to be called to security. I pull out the new book Björn has given me and run my hand over the cover, then open it up and stare at the blank white pages, like snowy tundra, waiting for new adventures.
All around me it’s busy and loud. So many people arriving and leaving, rushing here, there and everywhere, looking down at their phones, thinking they’re living when really they’re missing real life going on around them. I look out of the window. What I used to think made me feel safe is all of a sudden making me uncomfortable. I used to think this was where I fitted in, being around other busy people, rushing to get flights, keeping on the move. Airports were my favourite places. Now I just think it’s noisy and crowded and I haven’t even got to Stockholm yet. I’m not looking forward to it. In fact, I don’t want to be there. I think about my house, the one I bought with Griff, the four-bedroom new-build on the housing estate, full of our hopes and dreams. And I think about Los Angeles.
I look down at the notepad and the clean fresh page again. Where do I begin?
This is the first day of the rest of my life . . . I go to write. But if this is the first day of the rest of my life, what has changed? What’s different from the last book I filled?
Outside, it is just starting to get light. It’s nearly 11 a.m. and it’s dawn. The colours are amazing as they start to show themselves outside the tiny airport: baby blues and pinks behind the snowy clouds, reminding me of the morning after the night I spent alone. The night I finally said goodbye to Griff and knew he’d want me to stop running and be happy. Then suddenly there is a burst of orange on the skyline and the sun finally makes an appearance, bringing a whole new light, brilliant and bright.
‘Hej!’
I look round from the window to see Lars and Holly standing in front of me. They are holding each other’s hands tightly, as though they’re scared that if they let go, they’ll lose each other again.
‘Lars is coming with me to see the cruise company and ask if we can travel together!’ Holly beams, and he holds up a ticket.
‘Look after each other!’ I tell them.
‘Oh Halley, I think it was you, you were the lucky star that brought me love after all!’ Lars beams his happy smile, wider than I’ve ever seen it, if that’s possible. ‘Here, for you.’ He holds out the keys to the minibus and unhooks something from them. ‘I hope it brings you luck,’ he says. ‘My grandmother said it would.’
It’s the bell that I broke on my first day, no longer with its handle, but attached to the keys with a ribbon.
‘Thank you, Lars,’ I say, choked, and tie it to my case. ‘I won’t lose my bag this time,’ I say, smiling.
‘I’ll leave the keys at the information desk. Someone from the hotel will pick the minibus up later. They won’t need it for a while, though, not until after they fix the power lines. The hotel is going to be closed for a few weeks at least.’
I watch as Lars and Holly head hand in hand to security, and wonder if they’ll be able to unglue their hands and their lips long enough to get through. I glance down at the empty page in my book, and then close it again and instead look out to see the very edge of the orange sun pushing its way up over the horizon. I gaze at it, imprinting it in my mind, remembering to look up and see what’s around me – right in front of me – instead of looking down. Then I slide the book into my case and touch the lucky silver bell there before heading towards security.
At the conveyor belt, I pull out my iPad and phone and slip out my earrings just in case. I slide off my chunky black boots and see bits of hay still hanging round the bottoms of my jeans from where I wore the reindeer-skin boots. It makes me smile. I look at the security frame, take a deep breath and go to step through.
Beep, beep! Beep, beep! it blares, making me jump, setting my senses flying. How did I ever find all this noise and bustle comforting?
‘Raise your arms, please,’ says the uniformed security officer. I do as I’m told, and the officer pats my arms and then my sides, before reaching into my pocket and pulling out my knife. She looks at me and lifts an eyebrow.
‘My knife! In case I’m in trouble,’ I tell her. ‘It’s made from reindeer antler. Did you know that every reindeer has its own antler pattern?’ I ask, thinking about the herd, and realising that back with the herd and the dogs at the farm is exactly where I want to be right now. I take the knife from her hand and run my thumb over the carved handle.
‘I’m sorry, you can’t travel with that,’ she says. ‘You’ll have to hand it over or put it in your hold luggage if you want to travel today.’
I look up from the knife. Suddenly everything seems really noisy and a bit blurred. In front of me I can see Lars and Holly beckoning to me. There’s the gate. Once I go through, I’ll be walking back to my old life, and more trips and journeys, more stories to go in my notebook. I can almost see my family waiting for me at home, wanting me to spend more time with them, and I want to spend time with them too, enjoy what I have in my life instead of running from it.
I look ahead to the departure lounge and my future and then I glance back at the queue forming behind me and remember the sun rising outside on a new day. I want to see the sun come up, I think. I want to see the day here, not from an aeroplane. I don’t want to go back to my empty house and my fancy coffee machine. I want to make coffee over an open fire, boiled three times. I want to feed the reindeer; ride out with the dogs. I want to spend the day in bed with Björn. I want to spend every day with Björn, go to bed with him at night, wake up with him in the morning.
This is madness, but nothing like the madness that has had me travelling all over the world for the past two years. This is a kind of madness that only comes along once in a lifetime, and I have to try it, even if I fail. I can’t be scared of living any more. I have to tell him what I’m thinking. If I had told Griff I didn’t want him to go, maybe life would have been different. If I leave here and don’t tell Björn everything I feel about him, I’ll lose him too. I can’t let that happen.
‘Actually, I don’t want to travel today,’ I hear myself saying to the security officer. ‘In fact, I’m not sure I ever want to travel anywhere again.’
She looks at me a little taken aback.
I reach round her and grab my bag, my phone and iPad and my boots off the conveyor belt, and then back out through the security gate. Going backwards, yes, but finally in the right direction.
‘Halley?’ Pru is calling to me from the other side of security.
‘I’m not coming. I’m not travelling any more! I’m staying here with an almost fanciable man, if he’ll have me!’ I say, and she whoops with laughter and claps, as do Mika and the other members of the wedding party, cheering me on.
‘Good luck to ya, girl!’ shouts Pru’s nan.
‘See, my grandmother is never wrong. It was fate for you to come here after all . . . Fate is out there for everyone, one day,’ calls Lars, and I hope he’s right.
I run out into the foyer, my boots and my knife still in my hand, and retrieve the keys from the information desk, telling them Lars has sent me and I’m returning the minibus to the hotel. And somehow, they believe me!
Having navigated the snowy roads with my thundering heart in my mouth, holding my breath as I pass big lorries, and gripping the steering wheel as I guide the minibus down the smaller lanes, I finally pull up at the red and white farmhouse in amongst the trees.
‘Björn! Björn!’ I jump out, but it’s surprisingly quiet. No dogs barking. No Björn waiting to see if I would return. I run to the door and knock. The Lapp dogs are sitting in their kennel there, tails wagging, but there is no other sign of life.
‘Björn!’ I call again, and run round the house to the empty fire pit. A few of the reindeer raise their heads and look at me.
I’m too late! I’ve missed him. What if he’s changed his mind about staying on here and opening the restaurant, his secret restaurant? What if he’s gone to tell his sister and father that he’s going to sell up after all, go back to Stockholm or start travelling again like me? I throw my hands up and shut my eyes, letting the little flakes of snow tickle my face. Wasn’t it me who said you should grab love with both hands when it comes your way, and not let it go? And what did I do? I let it go . . . again! I let Griff go on that last tour of duty when he told me to say if I didn’t want him to, and now, because I’m too scared of losing love again, I’ve gone and done exactly that. Lost it before we had even begun.
Then I hear it in the distance. The sound of ‘Hike, hike!’
I slowly open my eyes and look towards the skyline behind the house. And there, in front of the rising sun, is Björn and the dog team, coming over the brow of the hill, coming back to the farm.
I run up the hill as fast as I can in the deep snow, stumbling, falling and righting myself, as he travels downhill towards me.
‘I thought you’d gone,’ he says, finally reaching me, grabbing hold of my arm to steady me as I’m thigh deep in snow and barely able to move.
‘I didn’t know where you were,’ I say, dragging in cold air as I try and catch my breath.
‘I came to the airport after you.’
‘You came to find me? You brought the dog sled team?’
‘Quickest way! I came to ask if you’d come back, stay with me. But I was too late. Everyone was through security, in departures. I couldn’t get through.’
‘I thought you’d left, gone to tell your family you were going to sell after all.’
‘I told you, I’m not going anywhere.’ He puts an arm round my waist and pulls me onto the sled beside him. ‘This is where I belong. This is my world and I plan to show it to people like you suggested. It’s what’s in my heart. There’s only one thing missing: you. Do you think you could feel like that too, that you belong here?’
‘I think I already do!’
He draws me to him and kisses me deeply, just as the sled starts to edge forward, nearly toppling us backwards into the snow.
‘Whoa!’ He pulls away and stands on the brake. ‘I’m not losing any of you again. Especially not you!’ He smiles at me and I look round at the sun coming up, a whole new day. ‘Looks like they can’t wait to get home,’ he says. ‘A bit like me!’ He pulls me close to him and wraps his arms around me. ‘Okay, hike, hike,’ he calls to the team, and as they pull forward, an occasional reindeer raises its head, as if to welcome me home.