‘I’m sorry, Lars. I have to stay. I can’t leave.’ Much as I want a hot bath and a gin and tonic, I think. ‘It’s only a few more nights and we’ll have the herd home, then I’ll travel on to the hotel with the rings.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Absolutely!’ I say, not sure at all, trying to plaster a smile onto my face. Every part of my body aches. I’m so tired I could lie down here and now and sleep in the snow and wouldn’t care if no one found me. But I can’t just go. What if something like that happened again? If I had left with Lars and the herd had gone in separate directions, there’s no way Björn would have been able to get them back together. I look over at him as he hand-feeds the reindeer with pellets to settle them again, moving through the herd, talking quietly and soothing them.
‘Can I do anything for you?’
‘Actually, Lars, could I borrow your phone to let my mum and sister know that I’m okay?’
‘Of course.’ He pulls out his phone and hands it to me.
‘Just okay?’ He looks at me and then at Björn. I follow his gaze.
‘More than okay; I’m actually really good,’ I say, and start to type, telling Mum and Sara that I’m fine, happy and actually having the journey of my life and promising to tell them all about it in a few days’ time.
They both reply within seconds, and my sister attaches a job advert for a holiday sales team leader with experience in travel and adventure. Well, I’ve certainly got that, I think. Could I do it? Could I stop travelling and settle into life back home, spend more time with my family? The closing date is just after I’m due back. The job looks amazing. Everything I could hope for really. I text back telling her I’ll give it some serious thought – and I will – but that first I have three hundred reindeer to get to their bed and breakfast for the night. She texts again checking that I really am okay and not taking drugs or having some kind of breakdown, and telling me that she and Mum have already polished up my CV and put in an application for the job on my behalf. And I wonder again what it would be like to finally stop moving on, and find myself warming to the idea as I hand the phone back to Lars.
‘I’m sorry about my guests,’ Lars says, loud enough for Björn to hear, but he doesn’t respond. ‘I think they were a little overexcited and very irresponsible. But I should have been more thoughtful too. I was just so pleased I’d found you.’
‘Lars, I’m really grateful you came. Thank you. But—’
‘No need for thanks.’ He starts putting his helmet back on. ‘I came because I wanted to see you were safe. I’m here for you, you know that.’ He reaches out a hand and puts it on my forearm.
‘About that, Lars . . .’ I don’t want to give him any false hope.
‘Oh, looks like I need to round up a herd of my own.’ He looks back at the wedding party scattered across the tundra, zigzagging this way and that.
‘How are they?’ I ask.
He shrugs and shakes his head. ‘Sadly, they are not the happiest wedding party I have ever looked after.’
‘When you find love, you should hang onto it as tightly as you can and make the most of every day,’ I say as I watch the snowmobiles’ headlights darting to and fro across the white plain like fireflies.
‘You should.’ Lars breaks into my thoughts and I quickly turn to find him watching me with a look of . . . well, longing in his eyes. Now would be a good time to tell him about my husband, about Griff, like I always do when I meet new people. Explain that he works away. But somehow I can’t find the words. Suddenly it feels like lying, whereas before, before I made that river crossing today, it felt like the truth – that he was working away – and that’s how I managed to operate, to keep going. I’m not sure what’s happened, what’s different. How has the river crossing changed all that?
‘Thank you again, Lars, for coming to find me.’
‘No problem. Remember, just phone. I’m there for you. I’ll be waiting for you.’ He throws me one of his huge smiles, then starts up the engine on the snowmobile and slowly rides off in the direction of the unruly wedding party. I watch as he goes, and smile. He’s a good man, I think, with a kind heart; just desperate to love someone and for her to love him back. I hope he finds her, but I know it isn’t me.
‘Thank God he’s gone!’ says Björn, dusting off his hands and moving out from the middle of the herd. ‘Bloody snowmobile tours! I could have lost my herd,’ he seethes.
‘Well, they’re all here, thank goodness. They are all here, aren’t they?’ I look around, concerned, doing a check of all the antlers I recognise, then try and use my counting method, putting them into named groups of ten.
He nods. ‘You could have left with the snowmobile tour,’ he says. ‘I know that. I would have been in trouble. Looks like I owe you.’
‘A large white wine would go down well,’ I say. I think about the Sami village we’re heading towards.
‘It’s a deal. But I don’t think we’re going to make the village tonight now. I’m sorry. We’ll have to camp in the forest again.’
My spirits practically fall through the floor. A tiny bit of me imagines the other me back at the hotel, stepping into a hot bubble bath and sipping a cold wine. I shake it off.
‘But I will cook you something special, and maybe a vodka or two?’ He lifts his eyebrows over his ice-blue eyes.
‘Okay!’ I find myself smiling back. ‘Will we still make it back to the hotel in time for the wedding?’
‘Providing we don’t come across any more idiots like your boyfriend!’
‘Lars? He’s not my boyfriend. I’m marr—’
I stop myself as he tilts his head and looks at me kindly.
‘Lars is just a friend,’ I finish, my mouth going dry as I feel a shift inside me.