‘Great job, Sophie.’ Trudy nodded down the table as they wrapped up the meeting for the January edition. How had that happened? Suddenly her time here was racing by. It was September this week.
As soon as she left the meeting room, she spotted Todd at his desk, lounging back in his chair, his feet on the desktop, talking into the phone. Her stomach clenched at the sight of him as a sudden punch of longing hit her. Ridiculous. How could she miss him after two nights? She hadn’t heard a word from him since Saturday morning and almost hadn’t expected to see him at work this morning. Things must have been bad at his parents’, but she was dying to know if Marty was alright.
‘That would be great, Amy. What time? Eight? Why don’t we do six-thirty Amy, then we could do dinner afterwards.’ Cradling the phone under his chin, he looked up and gave her a casual wave. ‘Now Amy, don’t go putting ideas in my head.’ He laughed, not looking at Sophie.
With a flicker of anger she approached her desk, suddenly aware that her hands had tightened into fists. It wasn’t jealousy, she told herself. Flirting was like breathing to him. She narrowed her eyes, no she wasn’t jealous but she was mildly pissed off that he hadn’t let her know what had happened with Marty and his parents. Perhaps he was too upset to talk about it. She studied his face. Yes, there were tiny lines around his eyes. He looked tired. Strained.
‘Cheers Amy. See you later.’ He put the phone down. ‘Hey English, how are you?’
She raised an eyebrow, not taken in for a minute by the studied casualness. ‘I’m fine, how are you?’
‘I’m good.’
‘Good. Great … And Amy. Good to see you haven’t forgotten her name.’
Todd’s mouth straightened in a mutinous line. Did she sound like a jealous girlfriend? He hadn’t made any promises but over the last few weeks, the calls had dried up. Determined to be pleasant, she asked, ‘And Marty?’
He frowned and slid his shoes from the desk, pulling his laptop towards him.
‘Todd?’ Sophie wasn’t about to let go.
‘Just leave it, Sophie.’
‘Leave it?’ Now she was puzzled.
‘I’ve got a lot of work to get done today. I need to get my head down.’
She took a step back, feeling as if he’d punched her. ‘Right.’
Clearly the weekend had been far worse than he wanted to let on. Knowing how close he was to Marty, she turned on her laptop and engrossed herself in work as best she could.
At lunchtime she looked up. Todd had been working hard, typing away. He caught her eye.
‘I’m going for some lunch. Fancy coming?’
With an offhand shrug he shook his head. ‘Bit too much to do. You carry on.’
‘No Todd, today?’ asked Mario as she toyed with a solitary cup of espresso. She’d given up drinking tea since she’d been in New York. Too often it either had a slight taint of coffee or was made with hot water instead of boiling, while the coffee was always good. With coffee shops on every street, it seemed as though the city was powered on caffeine.
‘He’s busy,’ she said, ignoring the dart of hurt at his sudden seeming indifference.
‘You should take him back a slice of my lasagne or some of my wife’s cannoli.’
Todd did love his food, maybe that would cheer him up. She put her cup down in the tiny saucer with a clatter, as a spurt of shame hit her. She of all people knew the effect his parents had on him, witnessed it first hand, and here she was, focusing on her hurt feelings when he needed some support. ‘I’ll take some cannoli.’
Mario bustled off, pleased with his suggestion, and she checked her phone to catch up with her Facebook and WhatsApp messages. She’d been posting much more regularly of late, putting up pictures of the places she’d visited and making contributions to FoodLovers, one of the groups she belonged to. Her recent post on the Lebanese restaurant along with a recipe she’d blagged from the owner, a lovely plump balding Egyptian who was delighted in her interest, had garnered a record number of likes and shares. As she was scrolling through the many comments, she sat upright. Damn, she’d forgotten James’s company had an account following food bloggers and groups.
Good to see you on here Sophie. James x
Frantically she checked her post. OK, it was obvious she was in New York, but one restaurant was hardly a giveaway. Quickly, she tried to remember what else she’d posted recently as she scrolled through her updates. Pictures of the July Fourth cakes she’d iced in a Bella’s Bakery branded box. Pictures of wedding cakes she’d researched when she was trying to help Bella design the cake. Most of it was fairly innocuous stuff and then she paused, her finger over the screen as she came across one conversation with another food writer, who asked where she was. In black and white, she’d said she was in New York on a job swap for six months. Would James have searched for any other mentions? And did it matter if he knew where she was? By the time she got back, hopefully he’d have forgotten about her. The desperate attempts to contact her on messenger had died away two months ago. He wouldn’t come knocking when she came back, and if he did, she’d be ready to face him.
Todd was leaning against Madison’s desk, juggling with a couple of branded stress balls as the young intern laughed up at him. Sophie walked past them and neither gave her a second look. Too busy? He didn’t look that busy to her.
Hurt or not, that didn’t give him the right to be rude to her. Ignoring the sudden sour taste in her mouth, she walked calmly over to her desk and dropped the brown paper bag on it as she stowed her handbag beside her chair. The smell of cannoli teased the air. With pursed lips, she dumped the bag in the bin that stood between her and Todd’s desks. OK, she got that he was upset. Got that with bells on, but he didn’t need to take it out on her.
Thank goodness she had a photo shoot to supervise in the test kitchen. She didn’t think she could stomach watching him flirt with Madison for the rest of the afternoon. The photo shoot took up the rest of the day.
‘Just a bit more melted chocolate,’ said Sophie to the food stylist. Getting the right shine on the gravy was an exercise in frustration, involving careful alchemy and the addition of the right amount of chocolate to make the liquid look unctuous, smooth and glossy without taking on a darker hue.
‘Are you sure? If you add too much, it won’t look the right colour.’
‘Well, it will have to be dark gravy,’ snapped Sophie. They were running out of time before the chocolate/gravy mix started to thicken. It would lose the desired shiny appearance. ‘Hurry up, otherwise we’ll have to start again.’ There was a shocked silence and Sophie’s face burned with embarrassment. ‘Oh my goodness, I’m sorry. I’m a bit stressed.’ She looked into the surprised faces surrounding her. ‘I do apologise.’
‘Hey Soph, it’s fine,’ said the stylist. ‘I’ve heard far worse. Jeez, you should hear Brandi. Every other word would have been an F-word.’
‘But I … gosh, I am sorry.’ One of the other girls patted her on the arm.
‘I think we deserve a glass of something after this. It’s two for one on champagne at Flute. Why don’t we go?’
Sophie nodded. Why the hell not? She’d spent too much time with Todd, she ought to branch out, spend some time with her co-workers.
For the rest of the afternoon, she was careful to keep herself in check even though inside she was cross that she’d let herself down. This was a timely reminder. She’d become too used to Todd being around. Perhaps a bit of space was needed. It was difficult to believe that she was two thirds of the way through her stay.
She had to remember that above everything, he’d been a good friend to her and that when whatever was between them had run its course, she was grown-up enough to focus on all the positives. If it weren’t for him, she’d never have gone to the Hamptons, or the baseball. Never cycled in Prospect Park, gone running around the lake. Never had wild, uninhibited sex in the kitchen, the shower or on the deck at midnight.
Damn, she was definitely going out with the girls.
One glass of champagne turned into three or four and a round of tapas. Sophie had forgotten how good it was to go out with a bunch of girls. Since her Danish trip, she’d become good friends with Kate and they regularly met up with two other people she’d met in Copenhagen – Avril, a TV presenter, and Eva, who was Kate’s business partner. She missed their prosecco-fuelled fests where Avril regaled them with tales of celebrities she’d interviewed on breakfast television. With a cosy warm glow, she boarded the subway and travelled most of the way home with one of the other girls, who was planning a trip to London and spent the whole journey picking Sophie’s slightly addled brains about the best places to eat in the city and whether she should visit Scotland to try proper haggis.
It was nearly eight o’clock when she put her key in the front door. From outside she’d seen that Bella’s lights were on. Maybe she’d see if Bella fancied a drink. After enjoying such good company that evening, she wasn’t sure she fancied spending the rest of it alone.
Mounting the stairs, she heard a rustle and looked up in surprise. Todd rose to his feet, every inch of him looking weary and lost.
‘Todd! What are you doing here? What’s happened?’ Wasn’t he supposed to be with Amy?
‘I’m sorry.’ His voice vibrated with regret.
She stared. Crumpled shirt, ruffled hair and red-rimmed eyes. There was such a defeated droop to his wide-shouldered frame, Sophie wanted to wrap him in a big hug but she hung back, unsure. Spite didn’t come by nature to her, nor kicking a man when he was down, but today’s indifference had destroyed the easy comfort between them. It had hurt.
‘How long have you been here?’ She kept her voice expressionless and distant.
‘What time is it now?’
‘Ten to eight.’
‘Since six.’ The pleasant wooziness of the champagne and the cosy evening vanished instantaneously.
‘Six!’ She pushed past him to open the front door. The late sunshine filtered through the windows, casting a golden shadowy glow over the room. ‘You’d better come in.’
Dumping her handbag on the sofa, she tried to steel herself against his pull before turning to face him. The filtered sepia light had deepened the circles under his eyes and much as she wanted to hold him and rub away those strained lines around his mouth, she held back.
He stood alone, surrounded by dust motes dancing in the shaft of sunlight sliding in, looking lost and uncertain. Just looking at him almost caused her physical pain but everything melted when he stepped up to her and held out his arms. ‘Hold me, Sophie. I need you.’
How could she turn him away? Those haunted eyes tugged at her. When she slid her hands around his waist, stepping into the circle of his arms, he immediately drew her forward, burying his head in her neck, holding on with a touch of desperation. She kissed his cheek and hugged him, holding him tight. Despite everything, it felt like coming home.
‘They’ve …’ his voice broke and she felt him shudder in her arms with a quickly caught sob. ‘Marty … they’ve sent him away.’
‘Oh, Todd.’ Her heart melted at his distress. She held him for a while longer, feeling him trying to pull himself together. When he’d calmed in her arms, she led him to the sofa, pushing him down like a rag doll before sitting beside him and taking his hand. They sat together, his head bowed, until he straightened and kissed her cheek.
‘Thanks, English,’ he whispered.
She squeezed his hand. ‘Can you tell me what happened?’
With a nod, he took a deep breath. ‘When I went round Dad and Mom were having a full-blown row, threatening to divorce each other in front of Marty. Blaming each other for his behaviour.’ Todd winced. ‘Saying what a disappointment to the family he was.’ He dropped his head in his hands. ‘It was awful. Dad said he was going to send Marty to military academy, saying it would teach him some discipline. There’d be no computers. No contact. They’d make a man out of him. Teach him the right values. I spent all day there and things finally calmed down. Poor kid was absolutely exhausted. Flaked out in his room. I stayed until he’d gone to sleep.’ Todd closed his eyes. ‘Then I confronted Dad. Lost it. Told him and Mom that their crappy marriage was responsible. As you can imagine, that didn’t go down well. Shit, it was fucking awful. I spent the night and all day Sunday. But when I left, I thought I’d persuaded Dad that military academy wasn’t the answer, that perhaps a shrink might help. Some counselling. They seemed to buy that.’ His mouth twisted bitterly. ‘Of course, they did. Having a shrink is part of the New York lifestyle. But I thought at least someone like that would identify the real problem and my folks might listen to a professional. The last thing Mom said was that she’d get some recommendations in the morning for a psychologist for Marty.’
He turned to her. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so angry with my Dad. Worried about Marty. He’s going to hate it. I let him down. I should have said something earlier to my parents. Made them realise.’
‘I don’t think you could have stopped this.’
‘No, maybe not … but I should have texted you, phoned, but I felt so wrung out, I couldn’t think straight.’
She rubbed her thumb along his knuckles and he gave her a grateful semblance of a smile.
‘It’s OK.’
‘And today at work …’ he kissed her on the forehead, ‘I was a shit. It … running scared, I guess.’ His eyes met her hers and she saw the fleeting panic in them. A hint of terror that hit her hard, fracturing the little shell she’d tried to erect around her heart.
It cracked wide open and with it came clanging alarm bells ringing out, vibrating through every last pore, and the weighty thump of realisation.
She loved him. Stupidly, she’d fallen in love with him.
She saw his throat working as he swallowed. She laid a finger on his lips, not wanting him to say any more.
‘And then … I phoned Mom. After w-work. She told me. Dad took Marty this morning. She w-wouldn’t … wouldn’t tell me where. Just that they’d decided. He’d gone. I let him down. I didn’t know … what to do. Where …’ He raised his head, his eyes stricken with fear and confusion.
The instinct to comfort him overwhelmed her, crowding every other thought out as she took him into her arms, moulding her lips over his, pouring her love into the kiss. He clung to her, his hands clutching her back, pulling her into him as if trying to absorb her into his body. Between them need began to build, a desperate pull of gentle desire seated in comfort and longing.
Still kissing him, she pulled him to his feet. With unusual docility he let her take charge as she took him into her bedroom. When she pushed him to sit on the bed, he sat stiffly as she knelt to take off his shoes. As she went to peel off his socks, he slipped a jerky hand down to stroke her cheek, the barely-there touch so gentle, as if he might break if he moved too much. She parted his thighs and moved between them, rising to unbutton his shirt. He made no move to help, his eyes holding hers the whole time. When she slipped the linen fabric away from his shoulders she heard him sigh her name as her fingers grazed his warm skin. In front of him she undressed quickly before pushing him back to lie on the bed, unzipping his shorts. He lifted his hips as she removed them and then she climbed on the bed to lie next to him. His arms closed around her, pulling her until they were skin to skin, not an inch between them, his grip so tight as if he was scared she might leave. His lips grazed her forehead, skimming the hairline, his breaths light and shallow.
‘Sophie,’ he whispered.
‘It’s OK.’ She traced a kiss up his neck, with a fleeting brush over his lips. ‘It’s OK.’
With a heavy sigh, he breathed out, the tension leaving his body, his hold on her not quite so desperate. Almost involuntarily she stroked his back as they lay together, her head tucked between his neck and shoulder, nothing but the sound of their breathing punctuating the close air of the bedroom.
At some point he shifted, kissing her neck and moving down to scatter tiny kisses along her collar bone, whispering her name. The sight of his dark head bent over her body brought a wave of unbearable tenderness and a warm ache between her thighs. Shifting slightly, she pulled him on top of her, lifting her hips in silent invitation, opening her legs. He raised his head and looked down at her. The brief wordless exchange as he stared into her eyes made her heart hitch, the intense sensation of love blossoming and blooming in her chest almost too much to bear. With a muffled groan he dipped his head and kissed her hard on the lips, his tongue plunging into her mouth. He moved between them and slid slowly inside her.
Unlike their previous times, the air was charged with emotion, as if the gravity of the moment had infused the room. Each thrust and slide was slow and languid. The sensation of skin and heat built, slow and sure and with each push and pull her heart flooded with emotion. Holding her gaze, his eyes darkened. A heartfelt moan escaped as the feelings began to build, an overwhelming wave bearing down on her. She sucked in an almost panicked breath, a quick dart of fear that this was too much. Too much to take, to bear and then it hit. A punch of pleasure sending shockwaves bursting through her body, subsiding into ripple after ripple of feeling so intense it was almost painful. With a shudder and a guttural groan, Todd slid home one last time, his arms trembling before he collapsed on top of her, the weight of his body a welcome testament to the knowledge that filled her.
‘I love you,’ the words escaped on a whisper of sheer explosive joy. She could no more have kept them in than stopped breathing.
Todd’s hold on her tightened and he rolled over, taking her with him. His ragged breath grazed her cheek, but he didn’t say a word. It didn’t matter. Sophie had no regrets. She loved him, heart and soul and in that moment. Placing a gentle kiss on his neck, she settled in his arms, bathed in a sense of utter contentment. Strangely confident, she smiled to herself, proud that she could say the words. She’d spoken the truth. If Todd couldn’t deal with it, that was his problem.
As if exhausted by the weight of emotion, they both slept.
The smell of coffee woke her along with the dip of the mattress. When she opened her eyes, Todd smiled down at her, a cup in his hand, perched on the edge of the bed, twisting towards her.
‘Morning.’ The husky timbre in his voice held a touch of shyness.
‘Hey, you,’ she said, her words soft with sleep. This morning he looked so much better, his eyes less troubled and the dark shadows under them less pronounced. The familiar pull of desire tugged as she took in the sight of his bare chest, one of her towels wrapped around his lean hips. Feeling feminine and that prick of satisfied pride, that this gorgeous man was all hers, whether he knew it or not, she pulled herself up to sit against her pillow, covering her nudity with the sheet, taking the coffee from him.
‘Thank you.’
‘No, thank you.’ He leaned forward and brushed her hair from her face. ‘I’m sorry—’
‘Shush. What time is it?’
‘Seven.’
Sophie took a sip of coffee. ‘I need to get ready for work. Are you coming into the office today?’
‘Yeah, not sure I’ll get much done. Yesterday was a write-off, but I need to do something.’
‘I don’t know, it looked as if you honed your juggling skills nicely.’ Sophie’s attempt at a teasing smile didn’t quite hit the mark.
He winced. ‘Sorry, I was—’
It was on the tip of her tongue to say, Don’t worry, I forgive you, but that wasn’t right and he needed to know. If she was brave enough to tell him she loved him, she was brave enough to tell him how he’d made her feel. ‘Yes, you were. I know you were upset, but it hurt. No matter what happens, we’re friends. You don’t treat friends like that.’ She tilted her chin up with an uncompromising stare.
Lifting her hand, he brought it to his mouth and kissed the knuckle on her thumb. ‘You’re right. And you didn’t deserve it. You’re … too …’ Sadness tinged his smile as he looked at her.
‘It’s OK.’ The words sounded so inadequate. ‘I wish there was something I could do to help.’
‘You already did.’ Her pulse leapt at the expression in his eyes. ‘You were there when I needed you, last night. Thank you.’ He linked his fingers through hers where her hand lay on her lap and squeezed them. ‘But, it doesn’t mean … I needed a friend …’
Sophie held her breath, she knew what was coming. Watching his profile as he studied the opposite wall as if there was something completely fascinating about the point where it met the ceiling, she knew he was struggling with what she said to him last night. Could almost see him fighting with it.
‘You said …’ his jaw clenched. ‘You …’
Reaching out, she touched his arm. ‘I said I loved you.’ Her voice was remarkably clear and steady, even though her heart pounded.
‘That. Yes.’
For some reason she kept perfectly still, almost as if he were a deer she might frighten away.
He turned to her, bleakness etched in the lines around his eyes. ‘You shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it.’
‘Todd,’ her voice gentled, the sense of pity for his confusion stronger than anything else. ‘It’s my choice.’ Except there hadn’t been any choice. Not for her anyway.
She saw him swallow again. ‘I watch my parents, over and over declaring how much they love each other. The next minute they’re tearing each other to shreds, picking at each other’s vulnerabilities. It’s like a battleground, where what they share when they’re in love seems to give them the most ammunition and insight to hit the weakest, most hurtful spot. They can’t even behave in front of other people. It’s so damn public. I hate it. I couldn’t bear to live like that. And I went and did it to you yesterday. I hurt you.’
‘Not intentionally. You were hurting. There’s a difference. Lots of people have happy relationships, but love does open you up to being hurt. But it’s worth the risk because of all the wonderful bits that come with loving someone and being loved.’
‘It’s not a risk I want to take. I’ve spent most of my life observing the war zone that’s my parents’ marriage. It’s like asking a war correspondent to ditch his pen and take up arms.’
‘Interesting analogy.’ She could think of far better ones.
‘Sophie, you’ll be going home soon and yeah, I’m going to miss you. I know that much. Who else is going to keep me in check? But, don’t be in love with me. Please. I’m not worth it.’
She held her breath, wanting to tell him he was wrong, but the stubborn set of his jaw and the sadness haunting his half-smile made her pause. Twenty-odd years of conditioning weren’t going to be overcome that easily. All she could do was share her love with him, but she wasn’t going to deny its existence.
‘Todd,’ her voice was firm, ‘I knew all that when we started this. Loving you is my choice. Well,’ she let the smile slip through, deliberately teasing, ‘I can’t help it.’ She stroked his bicep. ‘You’re fairly irresistible.’
One side of his mouth quirked.
‘And quite sexy. Not bad looking either.’ She lowered her voice to a whisper, ‘And quite hot in the sack.’
With a sudden change in his mood, he removed the coffee cup from her hand and lunged at her, pinning her to the bed. ‘What’s with the quite hot?’
‘Reasonably hot?’
He stroked a hand down her body, skimming her nipples, down across her stomach, brushing her skin and down between her thighs and back up again, making her moan with sudden desire.
‘Smokin’ hot?’ he rasped in her ear before sliding his mouth over hers with possessive thoroughness, his tongue delving in, sending spikes of excitement dancing through her nerve endings.
‘Smoking,’ she gasped and then wriggled away. ‘And some of us have to get to work.’ She threw back the corner of the covers. ‘I need to get in the shower and get ready.’
‘Need a back scrub?’ And just like that, they were back to normal. She wasn’t going to stop loving him. Todd was just going to have to live with it.