When she saw the name come up on her phone, she snatched it up, taking the frying pan of browning chicken from the hob.
‘Kate! How’s it going? Let me just turn the ring off.’
‘Ooh, what you cooking?’
‘Thai curry,’ she said with a crooked grin. It was Todd’s favourite and a quick and easy mid-week dinner when they’d been distracted by other things.
‘Yum. I … I wasn’t sure whether to tell you but I saw James this week. He came into the café.’
‘James? What did he want?’ Sophie’s voice held a touch of healthy disdain.
Kate smiled happily across the miles at her. ‘Nothing, apparently. Just wanted to know how you were.’
‘I hope you told him I was absolutely brilliant.’
‘Something like that.’ Kate’s eyes brimmed with mischief before her face sobered. ‘You don’t know how glad that makes me!’
‘What?’
‘You, you almost sound blasé. As if, who? James? I was worried about telling you.’
Which just went to show how far Sophie had come. Hearing his name was like a reference to another life.
‘You don’t need to be. I’ve definitely moved on.’ Sophie’s mouth curved in a wicked smile of satisfaction.
Kate burst out laughing. ‘You look like the cat that’s got the whole damn dairy, missy. Having fun, are we?’
Sophie blushed at the memory.
‘I thought that was a very skimpy outfit for cooking.’
She cast a quick look down at the vest top and knickers she’d pulled on while Todd nipped out to the liquor store to get a bottle of wine.
‘It was hot when we got back from work.’
‘I bet it was,’ teased Kate. ‘You look good, Soph. Happy. Ravished.’ She winked. ‘He’s good for you.’
‘Yeah, and I think I’m good for him. Although he doesn’t realise it.’ Sophie grinned at the screen, grateful for the miles between them. If Kate were here she’d spot the bravado in her words. Time was running out and she had no idea what she was going to do.
‘Kate, they’ve asked me if I’d like to extend my stay.’
‘In New York?’
‘Yeah.’ Sophie bit her lip.
‘Wow, that’s fantastic. Oh my goodness, I am so coming out to see you.’ Kate pulled up. ‘You are going to stay, aren’t you?’
‘I don’t know.’ She pulled an agonised face, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Todd hadn’t come back yet. ‘Part of me would love to, but I’m not sure what Todd’s reaction would be.’
‘I’d have thought he’d be pleased.’ Mama-hen indignation rang in her voice.
‘I don’t know. This was always supposed to be temporary. Remember, a fling. I’m worried if I tell him, he’ll run for the hills.’
‘Sophie, that’s crazy. The two of you practically live together. I mean, how many months is it? Two and a half? You seem pretty inseparable. Everyone says dumb things like that when they get together, basic self-protection, in case the other person doesn’t feel the same. But things have obviously changed now. And he’d be stupid to let you go. He doesn’t strike me as a stupid man.’
Sophie swallowed, wishing she had Kate’s confidence. ‘He does seem … well, he never says anything but he acts like he cares.’ It was in all the little things he did.
‘Well there you go, typical man. Actions speak louder than words.’
‘And talk of the devil, I can hear him coming back.’
‘And I ought to head for bed, its nearly one here. I’m waiting for Ben to get home.’
Todd bowled into the room, blowing extravagant kisses at her as if he’d been away for a day rather than ten minutes, before miming drinking a glass of wine.
‘Say hi to Kate, she’s just going.’ Sophie turned the phone around.
‘Hey Kate. What’s the weather like?’ Todd loved to tease them about their obsession with the weather.
‘Raining cats and dogs.’
‘You get some wild stuff over there in the UK.’
He put the wine down and Sophie watched as he chinked glasses in the cupboard, sorting through to find her favourite. Despite teasing her about being fussy with her penchant for a bone-china cup that wasn’t too small or too big, and her preference for fine wineglasses, he always made a point of using them for her. The gesture of familiarity and intimacy made her smile. It was the little things he did that gave her hope.
‘I’d better go Kate, I need to feed my man. Take care. Night.’
As Sophie put the phone down, Todd put his arms around her waist and nuzzled at her neck. ‘What time’s dinner?’
‘Another twenty minutes.’
‘Sure you don’t—’
With a peal of laughter, she pushed at his hands. ‘I’m hungry even if you’re not.’
‘I’m always hungry for your …’ pausing, he raised his eyebrow wickedly, ‘Thai curry. I’m going to miss your cooking when I go to Charleston.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘You’ll only be away two nights.’
‘Yeah but Marty will make me eat burgers the whole time. I’ll come back malnourished.’
She shook her head, laughing at his mournful expression. ‘I’m sure you’ll survive. What time’s your flight on Saturday?’
‘Seven. I need to leave just before five to get to JFK.’ His hands dropped, moving to cup her bottom, dropping his voice with husky suggestion, ‘I guess we’ll have to have an early night tomorrow.’
‘You’re in luck.’ She looped her arms around his neck, toying with the hair that ran into the nape. ‘It just so happens, I’ve got that tasting thing near Prospect Park tomorrow afternoon. As it’s near here, I wasn’t planning on going back to the office.’
‘Excellent, we can have a really early night.’
With the tang of exotic fruits still fresh in her mouth, Sophie turned onto Smith Street, her head full of ideas on how she might incorporate the flavours of yuzu, dragon fruit, lucuma and guava into a dessert feature. One thing was for sure, she was never trying durian again. With a shudder, thinking of the vile smell, she headed for Bella’s. As she was finishing work early, she’d promised Bella she’d call in to help decorate some cookies for a children’s birthday party on the Saturday.
When she walked through the door, Bella rushed up to her. ‘You’re early.’ She glanced back over her shoulder.
‘I left when they brought out the durian, also known as vomit fruit because it makes you want to. Eek, that stuff is seriously—’
‘Sophie,’ Bella’s eyes were wide and she was jerking her head towards the back of the café. ‘There’s someone here to see you.’
‘Who?’
Bella’s face lit up with an excited smile. ‘Go see.’
As Sophie stepped past, Bella gave her a little push as if to hurry her along. ‘Good luck.’
Rounding the corner, Sophie stopped dead. Sick dread anchoring her to the spot.
‘Sophie! Oh my. Sophie! Look at you. You look incredible. I’ve missed you so much.’
White noise buzzed in her ears and her body felt as if it belonged to someone else. There wasn’t a scrap of moisture in her mouth and her tongue was suddenly made of lead.
Unable to speak, she found her hands taken and she was being pulled to one of the bucket chairs around a round table. In the middle of the table was a small turquoise blue box. Dead centre.
She looked from the box to James, still too stunned to speak.
‘Say something Sophie,’ he beamed at her. ‘I’ve surprised you, haven’t I? It’s good to see you.’ He threw his arms around her and kissed her full on the mouth, completely oblivious to her instant recoil.
‘James.’ Her voice sounded dry and stiff. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘What do you think I’m doing?’ He shook his head, smiling with patient indulgence. ‘Something I should have done a long time ago.’
He grabbed the box, flipped open the lid and went down on one knee. ‘Sophie Bennings-Beauchamp, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’
Completely taken aback, Sophie stared down at him, quite unable to believe what she was seeing.
‘James?’ She blinked, trying to take in the familiar face that suddenly wasn’t familiar at all. The grey, pleading eyes that now looked like small, flat pebbles. The too-pink mouth that made her want to shudder in revulsion.
‘Say yes, Sophie. I know you love me. It sounds a terrible cliché, but I can explain everything.’
To say she’d never been so stunned in her life would have been an understatement. It felt as an Exocet missile had blown up inside her, leaving her disorientated and shell-shocked.
He jumped up, still holding the ring in one hand, and guided her into one of the chairs, pulling his up next to her. He took her hand and she flinched, taking it back and holding it up against her collar bone.
‘I’ve shocked you. Sorry, but I came as soon as I found out where you were.’
Gradually she felt herself settle.
‘Sophie, I know you were upset, when you found out about Anna. But it wasn’t what it looked like.’
She frowned, sarcasm taking hold as she pulled together her scattered wits. ‘You weren’t married? Emma wasn’t your child?’
He huffed impatiently. ‘Hear me out. Believe me, I’ve always loved you. From the moment I met you. That was the problem. I loved you so much that I couldn’t bear to lose you. It made me weak when I should have been strong.’
What was he wittering about? Why was he even here? It was a definite mind-out-of-body experience. She was watching and listening to a scene that she had no part in. It was tempting to check over her shoulder because it felt as if he were talking to another person. A different version of her. One that had loved him before she knew what love really was.
‘When we met, Anna and I were separating. It was instant. I fell in love with you. Me and Anna were already over. Just living in the same house while we sorted money out. I was going to leave her but somehow she got pregnant.’
‘Somehow?’ It wasn’t funny, it really wasn’t, but it made her laugh.
‘You know what I mean.’ James’s earnest gaze slipped. ‘It wasn’t planned. I felt sorry for her one night, let my guard down.’
Sophie laughed again as a comical vision of James, defending his honour in a darkened room with a shield and sword, popped into her head. ‘That’s a new euphemism for sex.’
With great dignity, James ignored her, ploughing on quite manfully with his speech, oblivious to her total detachment. ‘I kept putting it off. And then when Emma was born, it was hard. I was so torn. Anna would never have let me see my daughter. I loved you so much, I was worried if I told you about Emma you’d leave me.’
It was like listening to a complete stranger. None of it mattered. Everything she’d felt for him had been expunged. She liked that word; completely expunged. Utterly expunged. Loving Todd had lightened her heart and helped her move on. She didn’t care about James at all. The lies still stung, but more because she’d believed them. And there were so many. Weaving in and out of each other in growing complexity and deviousness. Piled one on top of another until it was a mountain, too high to get over or penetrate.
‘Your mother didn’t live in Cornwall.’ Had never lived in Cornwall. How many times had he complained about the journey, sounding so sincere? Just like he sounded now. How many dinners had he cancelled because of emergency trips to the hospital? Dozens of ambulance call-outs he’d glibly described.
James shook his head. ‘Sophie, that’s not important. I need to tell you, I left Anna. We’re getting divorced. I’m free to marry you. I was so furious with her for confronting you like that. How dare she?’
Seriously? He’d taken insensitivity to a new level! ‘Perhaps because she was your wife.’ She blinked back her incredulity. Was he for real?
‘In name only. It’s you I love, Sophie. You’ve got to believe me.’
Something inside her snapped. ‘I don’t,’ she said, her voice crisp and cold. She refused to waste one iota of emotion on this man.
‘What?’
‘I don’t have to believe you.’
‘Well … it’s … it’s a figure of speech.’
‘I’ll never believe anything you say again. I stupidly thought I loved you—’
‘Don’t say it, please don’t say it. Just give me another chance. You don’t have to say yes now. Think about it. We can spend some time together. You loved me. We were good together.’
‘No.’ The bald repudiation stopped him in his tracks. ‘We weren’t.’
There was a genuine look of shock on his face as he peered at her.
‘Don’t be silly, of course we were. Don’t you remember?’
‘We weren’t,’ she repeated, surprised by her own sang-froid. She couldn’t even get angry with him, which she was quite pleased about. Anger would give credence to what he was saying. Being able to be calm and unemotional confirmed what she knew: it was over and there was no going back.
‘Of course, we were. We never rowed. Never fell out. We loved doing the same things. Food, wine. We’re completely compatible.’
For some reason, Sophie’s head crowded with more recent images. Todd washing up. The whisper of cotton over her ears as she pulled her dress over her head when he challenged her. The kick to her pulse at the sight of Todd’s hopeful and surprised gaze. The beach and the first time she kissed him. The feel of cold sand on her back. Him stealing her beef at Onyx. Running together in Prospect Park and coming back to the apartment, peeling off his sweaty kit.
‘Have you ever had sex in the shower? Up against the cold tiles? Soaped someone’s nipples until they almost came?’
‘Sophie!’ He glanced around, his eyes wide with horror. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’
‘No, I thought not.’ Sophie shivered, delicious memories warming her.
‘What is wrong with you? Sayings things like that.’
‘I thought you said we were compatible.’
‘We are, when you’re being sensible.’
‘I don’t want to be sensible any more.’ She levelled a look at him, suddenly feeling a tiny bit sorry for his confusion. How could he possibly comprehend? She’d moved on and he hadn’t. Gently, because she knew he saw her as she’d been months ago, she said, ‘I’m not that Sophie. We weren’t right together, we just thought we were. I’m a different person now.’
James’ mouth opened and then closed as he tried to digest this. ‘You’ve met someone else.’ He shook his head sadly, ‘Please don’t tell me I’ve missed the boat.’
‘No, James.’ She’d had enough. ‘The boat sank, weighed down by your lies.’
She stood up.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Home.’
‘But what about me?’
Sophie shrugged, even though it went against her natural instinct. She hadn’t invited him here. He wasn’t her responsibility.
‘Sophie, I’ve got nowhere to stay.’
‘There are plenty of hotels in Brooklyn.’
‘I can’t afford a hotel.’
It was on the tip of her tongue to suggest that it was his problem, but she couldn’t quite do it.
‘Wait here a minute.’ She was surprised when he nodded meekly.
Bella was wiping the counter of the coffee bar with methodical studiousness, as if she’d been doing the same thing for the last twenty minutes.
‘Sophie! How are things?’
‘Complicated.’
‘That’s James then.’ Curiosity bristled from her like crackles of electricity. ‘Your ex. Did he propose? I saw the Tiffany box. He must be serious.’
‘He’s deadly serious. Doesn’t want to leave. I feel a bit bad that he’s come all this way for nothing.’
‘Nothing! But … he said he really loves you. That he’d been an idiot and should have proposed before.’
‘He says a lot of things.’
‘But actions speak louder than words. Can’t you give him a chance?’
Sophie let out a mirthless laugh at the words echoing Kate’s from the other night. Now she regretted not telling Bella the full story before.
‘He’s married.’
‘Yeah, he told me but he’s getting divorced. He wouldn’t come all this way if he weren’t. I think you at least ought to talk.’
‘We’ve talked. He needs somewhere to stay. Would you mind if I let him stay in the apartment for a night?’
‘No, not at all.’ Bella looked pleased. ‘It’s your apartment. You can have whoever you want to stay.’
‘I’ll text Todd. We can stay at his place.’
‘Todd? But …’ Bella suddenly looked furtive. ‘Why? I thought you’d want to spend some time with James.’
‘Todd’s leaving tomorrow morning, I’d rather be with him tonight.’
‘But … I mean … Todd. Well …’
A frisson of fear raced down Sophie’s spine. ‘Bella?’
‘He … well … he came by. I told him …’
‘Told him what?’ When Bella didn’t say anything, Sophie grabbed Bella’s shirt. ‘What did you tell him?’
Bella wrenched herself away. ‘I told him James was here. That he was proposing. That … he should leave you and James alone. Give you a chance to sort things out. Let James say his piece.’
‘And what did Todd say?’ Cold fear settled in her stomach.
Bella bit her lip. ‘He said I was right. It was probably for the best.’
Sophie ran all the way to Todd’s apartment. He’d not picked up his phone to any of her calls. Despite knowing it was hopeless, she’d left a voicemail message. When she’d probed more with Bella she wanted to knock both of their heads together. In fact, as she panted her way up the stairs to the front door of his brownstone building, she couldn’t decide which one of them she wanted to inflict bodily harm on the most.
Bella had only gone and repeated the conversation they’d had in the bar. The dumb one, where Sophie had told her what she wanted to hear. It turned out as soon as the American girl had laid eyes on James, her brain had zeroed in on Sophie’s words. Safe. Steady. Reliable. Which she just had to go and repeat to Todd. And the stupid idiot, more stupid than stupid, had believed his cousin.
With three bells to choose from, her mind went blank and she couldn’t remember which one was Todd’s. She picked the one in the middle and left her finger on the buzzer as she hopped from one leg to the other, trying to catch her breath.
The door opened and a blonde woman peered through the crack, guarding the entrance. ‘Gee honey, can you take your finger off the buzzer. The static you’re producin’ is giving me a headache.’
‘Sorry. It’s Todd McLennan. I got the wrong apartment.’
‘No, you got the right one. I was on my way out, but I could hear it in the hallway.’ She sighed, but didn’t move. ‘If I had me a dollar for every chickadee that comes knockin’ for that boy. Seriously, he’s as good lookin’ as shit, but he’s no stayer.’
‘I know exactly what’s he like, believe me, but I need to talk to him.’
‘Sure you’re not wasting your time, honey? By rights I shouldn’t let you in but,’ she lifted her shoulders in an offhand shrug, ‘what the hell? Heard him come in not so long back.’
Furious that Todd had ignored the buzzer, Sophie raced up the stairs to the first floor and hammered on the door, knowing that she was acting like a crazy woman. She’d never been crazy in her life. ‘Todd McLennan, I know you’re in there, so you’d better open this damn door.’
She carried on knocking until the door was wrenched open.
‘OK, OK. I get the message.’ He wore that slightly aloof, amused look she’d seen when they’d first met.
‘Good.’ Sophie marched past him into the apartment.
‘Can I ask what’s got your panties in a bunch?’ drawled Todd.
Sophie narrowed her eyes, refusing to be drawn by the deliberately provocative attitude. Instead she put one hand on her hip and adopted the same calm tone. ‘And can I ask why you didn’t stick around at Bella’s? I thought we were having dinner tonight.’
She was pleased to see him stiffen. ‘You were otherwise engaged.’
‘No, I wasn’t.’
‘Looked like it to me.’
‘Well appearances can be deceptive.’
Todd ran his hand through his hair. ‘Look … I get it. James came by with a ring. He’s the commitment guy. I’m not.’
There was no way Sophie was going to let him off the hook with that asinine statement by challenging it, he could damn well explain himself. Instead of responding she looked at him impassively, or at least that was the expression she aimed for.
‘Come on Sophie. James. He’s left his wife for you. He’s offering the whole deal.’ Todd rubbed at the back of his neck. ‘A man doesn’t fly halfway across the world with a Tiffany ring box unless he’s pretty confident of his welcome.’
He was definitely starting to flounder but Sophie refused to rescue him.
‘What do you want from me?’ He’d started to pace now. ‘I can’t compete with that.’ Quick jerky steps punctuated his words, followed up with telling strained glares sent her way. ‘I told you I don’t … this is … you’re going back to England soon.’ He stopped in front of her, his eyes almost pleading. ‘You’d be better off going back with James. You want marriage. The whole shebang.’ She wasn’t sure who he was working so hard to convince. Her or him. ‘He can offer you what you want. Much more than me. I’m … I …’
‘Are you done?’ she asked, with a gentle smile. He was such an idiot. He was a million times the man James would ever be. Radiating the warmth that came when you were totally, utterly and absolutely certain of your own mind, she stepped forward. Todd was the only man for her, even though he didn’t quite realise it yet. With the knowledge came confidence. She could show him how wrong he was.
‘You’re such an idiot,’ she smiled and leaned forward to kiss him on the lips. For a moment his lips softened under hers and he kissed her back. ‘I love you, not James.’
Todd stiffened and he gripped her forearms, pushing her away slightly. ‘You’re making a mistake. I’m not …’
‘Not what, Todd?’ Sophie’s voice hardened.
‘Not right for you. This was only ever …’
‘Todd, how can you know what’s right for me?’ With sudden realisation, it dawned on her. She’d never fought for anything she wanted before. As a result she’d sleep-walked into and stayed in a bad relationship with James.
‘I know what’s right for me.’ She gave him a fierce stare, letting her feelings show. ‘It’s you. I love you and I’m not going to apologise for that. You can fight it all you like but it’s not going to change.’ She took a breath, it needed to be said. ‘And I think you could love me.’
His jaw clamped tightly and she could see the denial in his rigid posture. He was such a baby.
‘Sophie. I’m not doing this. I told you. I think we should call it quits. You’ll be better off—’
‘You’re a coward.’ Sophie’s sudden vehemence made him jump. ‘Yes. You’re not brave enough to try.’
Todd flushed at the accusation, his lips pinching together. ‘We had this conversation once before. Being brave is acknowledging your limitations.’ With his fists clenched by his sides, his vulnerability showed in the white around his knuckles. His stance hovering between fight or flight.
‘No, that’s being honest,’ she gentled her tone. He looked as if he might run away at any second. ‘Being brave is acknowledging those limitations and taking the risk anyway. You think you’ll be no good in a committed relationship because you don’t think you’re worthy of one. You’ve seen your parents’ relationship and the way they’ve neglected you and Marty for their selfish version of love and you want no part of that. I understand that. But that’s only one version of a relationship. In their own strange way they probably do love each other. They’re still together. But you’re not giving yourself a chance to be happy. Saying you don’t do commitment, you’re ducking the issue. You’re not prepared to take the risk. That’s not being brave.’
Todd sighed, lifted his chin. Her heart sank at the bleakness in his eyes.
‘Thanks for the amateur psychology half hour, but I think you’re being naïve. Happy Sophie. Wants everyone else to be happy. You’re a romantic. You think love will cure everything. Life’s not like that.’
Stung, she flinched. ‘And how would you know? You’ve never even tried. At least I have. OK, I made a mistake with James. It hurt at the time, but I learned something from it. I see now that I wouldn’t have been happy with him, but at least I know what will make me happy. I know what I do want.’ She stopped and swallowed. Despite his rigid stance, she reached up and touched his face. ‘You might not be able to see it, but I want us. You’ve made me see things in a different way. I’m happy because you’ve made me happy.’ It made her smile thinking about it. Grasping his wrists for balance, she stood on tiptoe and kissed the corner of his unmoving mouth. ‘Perhaps love is as simple as making the person you’re with happy.’
Only someone watching him closely would have seen the subtle movements, the tendons in his neck tensing, the still of his chest as he held onto a breath and the furious pulse under her fingers where she held his wrist; the battle as he weighed up her words.
Her eyes held his, unwavering and determined.
When he blinked, she knew. Even before he spoke, her heart began to drag, sinking slowly like a ship-wreck feathering down to the sea bed.
‘You’re wrong.’ He looked right at her, his words brutally calm. Each one slicing in with the sharp pain of a knife blade. ‘I was perfectly happy before you came along. And I’ll still be happy when you’ve gone.’
If he’d shouted, sounded sad or laughed at her, she might have found the strength to argue back but ironically, the flat unemotional delivery mirrored hers to James exactly.
With a regal nod, she said, ‘Give my love to Marty this weekend.’
Turning her back on him, keeping her head held high, she walked out of the apartment without a backward look, down the stairs, out of the door, down the front steps, one foot in front of the other, forcing her eyes wide open, only letting herself blink when she absolutely had to.