Day 21: Take a risk
The next morning proved to be unsettling for Esmé. She hadn’t slept well after her late night shower and so she left early and walked to work in a world of her own.
A bright blue sky was a beautiful back drop for the cherry blossom that was beginning to bud upon bare branches.
Her thoughts were a mish-mash dominated by Jonah and Asa. Two alpha males, who wouldn’t admit it but were alike in many ways and yet, poles apart in other respects. Jonah with his Adonis body, his perfect complexion and sweet talking contrasted with the harsh exterior of Asa, his painted face, his abrupt manner and direct talk. One beauty, one beast. And yet, one beast and one beauty where their personality, morals and treatment of others was concerned. Had Jonah cared for her during her migraine? Had Asa belittled Crystal at the breakfast table? Images of the graveyard flowers, Dancing Queen and the Chilean Rose interpreted her internal monologue. Men – what complicated creatures?
How funny; two men sharing the same house and yet, reflections of each other: social, anti-social, arrogant, humble, accommodating, defiant, sexy, intimidating, Adonis, gargoyle…
Esmé blushed.
Now, that was unfair, how shallow am I?
Esmé corrected herself.
If viewed from his right profile Asa was as handsome as Jonah. He chose to destroy it with that ridiculous tattoo.
*
‘Penny, have you ever thought of jacking it all in?’ asked Esmé at lunchtime.
‘Every day!’ laughed her colleague, biting into a crisp bread cracker. ‘Especially on days such as these when I need a broom up my arse to multitask and please the boss. Are you getting itchy feet then?’
‘Well I have been here for nine years, six months and three weeks to be precise – I’ve worked it out,’ said Esmé.
‘I’d up and be off to pastures new, if I were your age,’ said Marianne.
‘But would you?’
‘You never know what’s out there till you go,’ added Marianne.
‘Spill the beans,’ ordered Penny, as she scooted across the office on her chair.
‘There’s nothing to tell… just thoughts really.’
Esmé spent the next ten minutes explaining about her and Jonah’s conversation from Monday night’s dinner.
‘Are you sure you just didn’t take it as a rejection?’ asked Marianne.
‘No. It wasn’t about me and him. I was offended that a guy should openly tell me that my dreams are farcical. As if I was in the wrong for saying what I want. Then Asa added his bit…’
‘And?’
‘He tried to smooth the waters but he reckoned that those that have what I want aren’t really happy anyway, so why chase an impossible dream?’
Marianne and Penny nodded slowly.
‘What?’ Esmé stared at them.
‘Well… he has a point,’ said Penny, eventually, looking at Marianne.
‘Slightly brutal but possibly correct…’ she muttered.
‘Are you pair stuck for words? Because I was relying on you both to put me back on track… and yet…’ Esmé looked at each of them. They looked worried. ‘What?’
‘I don’t know about you, Penny… but there are times when I wish I could go back and…’
Penny nodded.
‘Yeah, oh yeah… I was too eager to rush into a relationship, then marriage and then the babies came along and then one morning you wake up and think…’
Both gave huge sighs.
‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this… are you saying Asa’s right?’
Marianne shrugged.
‘I didn’t know that my Jimmy didn’t want to be married… if I’d have known from the beginning,’ muttered Marianne, as she gave another sigh. ‘I’m happy. I love him. But his parents divorced, he saw a failed marriage and knew it wasn’t for him.’
‘But it’s what you want?’
‘It is, but I’d prefer to be with Jimmy as we are than married to someone else,’ said Marianne. ‘I have to accept his reasons.’
‘I have everything on your list and still…’
Eyes turned towards Penny as she stalled and stopped.
‘Penny?’ whispered Marianne.
‘I do wonder if it’s all it’s cracked up to be, that’s all?’ laughed Penny. ‘Esmé… he might be right. Maybe there’s more to life than doing everything by the book that everyone else lives by. Be your own person, be…’
Esmé sat speechless. Was she conforming to set ideas about life or had she made her own mind up about the future she wanted? Esmé had never heard either woman be so frank. And yet, three weeks ago they’d been encouraging her towards an engagement. Surely, life had to follow a plan?
‘But I want to commit. I want a marriage. I want a family. I know what I want… I can’t have it because it wasn’t what Andrew wanted… and now, he’s wrecked it.’
‘So, make your own list based purely on you, leave others out of it, do as you wish… what is it they say? Go with the flow!’
Esmé blushed.
‘It’s funny you should mention that…’ said Esmé, collecting the empty coffee mugs ‘But first, I need to make a round of drinks because you’re never going to believe what happened last night.’
*
The afternoon dragged as Esmé’s mind reran her antics from last night and her colleagues’ conversation from this morning in a never ending loop.
‘You look deep in thought,’ said Marianne, during afternoon break. ‘I’ll give you a penny for them.’
‘You pair have unnerved me a little by agreeing with Asa… what is life about if really we’re just supposed to please ourselves and only do stuff that makes us happy?’
‘Exactly,’ laughed Marianne. ‘You can say that about everything.’
‘You’re just in a strange place at the minute, everything that anyone says is going to unsettle you given your circumstances. I remember when I felt like you,’ said Penny.
‘And what did you do?’
‘I foolishly slept with a whole load of unsuitable men, then hated myself afterwards, but hey,’ she laughed.
‘Penny – be serious.’
‘She is being serious,’ laughed Marianne.
‘And bloody honest… don’t do that unless you want a stint of mind blowing sex.’
‘Weren’t you listening earlier, she’s been there and done that last night!’ laughed Marianne.
Esmé blushed, as a flash back of Jonah appeared in her head.
‘I don’t intend to make a habit of it,’ muttered Esmé.
‘Never say never,’ added Marianne. ‘Anyway, I travelled during my previous break-up. Went on safari, hiked across deserts and swam in tropical waters.’
‘That was tame compared to my phase, ladies,’ said Penny, scoffing bourbon biscuits.
‘You need to do what makes you happy… take a risk,’ said Marianne. ‘You never know – it could be the making of you.’
*
Esmé sat back in her chair and looked around at her surroundings.
This three foot by four foot space, with its tea stained desk and the cardboard in-tray, which she always meant to replace, had been hers for nine years.
She watched the two females in front of her, their fingers dancing around keyboards as if their lives depended on it, their backs bent, Marianne’s half eaten lunch propped on the side for later, and Penny’s cardboard crispbread crumbs sprinkled down her front.
In five years’ time, would she be sat here staring across the same office having filed a pile of invoices?
The answer rang loud and clear in her head. Asa was right, she had to start making plans for herself rather than tagging along in life.
Esmé tidied her desk, unpinned her Johnny Depp postcard from the side of her computer screen and collected her handbag from the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet. She knew the other two had stopped and were watching her every move.
‘Esmé?’ asked Penny, getting up from her chair. ‘What’s happening?’
‘It’s now or never, ladies,’ said Esmé, her heart banging like a drum. ‘And I have a funny feeling… it’s now.’
Esmé gently kissed each colleague on the cheek, received a tight squeeze from Penny, and a bear hug from Marianne.
‘It’s not goodbye, because we’ll catch up for coffee but I’m going to go and see Steely Stylo… and let’s see what happens. I’ve got savings, I’ve got some qualifications and who knows what else.’
Esmé collected her coat and left their office. Within a minute, she was rapping on Steely Stylo’s office door and ten minutes later she’d hailed a taxi.
Esmé gave a huge sigh.
This single girl’s calendar was proving to be dangerous and yet, life changing, thought Esmé, as the taxi cut though the afternoon traffic towards home. What would her parents say?
Esmé was making plans and it felt good. She rummaged in her handbag for her mobile.
‘Hello?’
‘It’s Esmé, you’ll never guess what I’ve done.’