Nate

By Wednesday, Nate was starting to get an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Camille still wasn’t in school. That was three days in a row. How mad could her parents really be? She only spent one night in the Bywater. They wouldn’t pull her out of school for that, would they? It wasn’t like she robbed a bank or set fire to an orphanage.

He’d been texting her relentlessly, but every message went unanswered. At lunch, Ashley Dupree came over to Nate’s table again. He groaned. He didn’t have the patience for her today. She’d been badgering him about prom all week.

“Hey there, handsome.”

Nate cut her off before she could get started. “Ash, I’m sorta busy right now.”

“You don’t look busy,” she said staring at his untouched lunch. “Is everything alright, sweetie? You look like you’re coming down with something,” she said brushing her hand across his forehead.

He shrugged away. “Actually, I had the runs all morning, you might not wanna get too close.”

Ashley took a step back and Nate smirked, happy his lie had the desired effect.

“So, I haven’t seen you and Camille together lately,” Ashley purred. “Trouble in paradise?”

“No. She’s just not at school this week.”

“Oh, poor thing. I hope she’s not sick again.”

Nate’s breath caught. “Again?”

“Yeah, the cancer sure takes it out of her some days, bless her heart. She’s so brave. Gosh, I hope this doesn’t mess up your plans for prom.”

But Nate had stopped listening after the word cancer. Everything started to tunnel around him as the dread he’d been carrying around all week finally latched onto his heart. Pinpricks of ice exploded from his scalp and raced down his spine. This wasn’t real. Ashley couldn’t mean Cami. Not his Cami. She didn’t have cancer. There was no way. He would know something like that . . .

But even as Nate’s heart fought against it, his mind started snapping things into place. The wigs, the photos, her bucket list . . . fuck!

Nate barely made it to the trashcan before heaving up his breakfast. He was still shaking as the devastating news slammed into him, releasing new waves of nausea. Clutching his stomach, Nate ran from the lounge. He made it all the way off campus before he crashed to his knees to vomit again.

No, this isn’t real. Ashley was messing with him. Nate just needed to see Camille and everything would be okay. He got up and ran. The pounding of his feet on pavement took up the rhythm of his silent prayers. Please, God. Please, God. Please, God. Not true! Not true! Not true!

He didn’t stop running until he was standing outside Camille’s front door, pounding against the wood trying to catch his breath. His lungs heaved, but Nate couldn’t get enough air. It was like a weight had been dropped on his chest and seeing Cami was the only way to fix it. Nate slammed his fists into the door over and over. He was screaming her name now, and people on the street were stopping to watch, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything but seeing Camille’s face again. He would climb up the damn Romeo spikes if he had to. He had to see her!

“Cami! Camille! Camille! Please, Camille!”

Finally the door opened and Ray’s bewildered eyes met Nate’s.

Words sputtered out of Nate faster than ever before. “Is she here? Is it true? Cancer? I need to see her. Cami! I need to see her!”

“Slow down, son.”

Nate shrugged Ray’s hand from his shoulder and rushed past him, into the house and up the stairs to Camille’s room. He stepped inside and his heart dropped two stories when he saw her. She looked so small and foreign lying in her bed. Poo was curled up beside her, his tail thumping against the comforter at Nate’s presence. But Nate couldn’t move. He only stared at the IV tubes and oxygen mask hiding the girl he loved. This wasn’t Cami. This wasn’t her.

Where was the girl with the big gray-blue eyes and guarded smile? The girl with colorful hair that smelled of lavender and hope? The girl who made Nate feel alive?

The girl in Camille’s bed looked half dead, her skin so pale Nate could read every blue vein like a road map. She had fine mousy brown hair, as short as a newborn’s and her lashless eyelid fluttered restlessly in sleep.

Ray was suddenly in the room. Poo noticed him first, lowering his head and flattening his ears with a protective growl. “Nate, would you come downstairs and talk with me?”

But Nate still couldn’t move. It was like he was trapped in a dream and couldn’t wake up. His eyes were seeing, but his body was frozen, unable and unwilling to process the news.

Ray tried again. “Nathan . . . Cami wouldn’t want you to see her like this.” This time he put a hand on Nate’s shoulder as if to guide him from the room.

Nate sprung to life. “No. I need to see her. I don’t understand . . . this . . . when did this happen? I . . .”

“Nate, lets talk downstairs.”

“No!” Nate shirked Rays grasp and Poo leapt off Camille’s bed barking and snarling at Ray.

A soft, sleepy voice that Nate would know anywhere, slipped through the chaos. “Nate?”

He turned to see Camille’s eyes staring back at him. His Cami’s eyes. And suddenly, it was real.

Nate took a step toward her but had to stop for fear his legs would give out.

“Dad,” Cami whispered. “It’s okay.”

Ray nodded and left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

Camille struggled to sit up and suddenly Nate was at her bedside, his hands gentle on her burning skin, helping her sit up. He carefully placed another pillow behind her head as Poo reclaimed his spot on the bed.

When Camille was sitting comfortable, Nate stood up, backing away. He raked his hands through his hair because they were trembling and he didn’t know what else to do with them. Camille’s voice stopped his movement, slicing a thousand paper cuts across his heart.

“I’m sorry, Nate.”

A muscle twitched in his cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I-I couldn’t.”

“You thought it was more fun to lie to me?”

“No! I don’t know. I-I just liked that you didn’t see me as the cancer girl. That for once, someone just saw me. I just . . . I wanted it to last a little longer.”

Nate couldn’t look at her, not while the last pieces that held him together were breaking apart. He turned away and focused on the chalk wall covered in Camille’s perfect handwriting. A morbid realization washed over him. “This is your goodbye list, isn’t it?”

Camille nodded, and Nate’s heart shattered into dust. He sunk down, perching on the edge of her bed again and gently touched her hand. “You could’ve told me, Cami.”

Tears welled in her eyes. “Yeah, because you would’ve been so eager to date the cancer girl.”

“You never gave me the chance.”

“Please, Nate. Just stop. Okay?”

He stood up again, pacing the length of Camille’s bedroom. It suddenly felt very small. He looked back at Camille, trying to see the girl he loved beyond the cancer. He didn’t know much about cancer, but his every instinct was screaming that this wasn’t the kind you beat. He dreaded the truth, but he asked anyway. “How long do you have?”

“Nate—”

His voice burst forth, in a growl. “How long, Cami?”

“Until graduation.”

Her words stole his strength and he sunk down onto her desk chair.

“I’m sorry, Nate. I never meant to let you in.”

“Are you sorry you did?”

“No! I’m only sorry that I hurt you. I tried so hard to push you away, but your damn smile was contagious. And when I was with you . . . for a little while you made everything better. Your light took the darkness away.”

“And now?”

Cami shook her head. “I’m sorry, Nate. I never should’ve brought any of this into your life. It was selfish and I’m sorry.”

Nate dragged his hands through his hair in frustration. “Stop saying that word!”

“I don’t know what else to say,” she whispered. “You weren’t part of the plan.”

“Neither were you, Cami, but in case you haven’t noticed, life doesn’t go according to plan.”

“Mine does.”

“Oh really? You planned to have cancer?”

“Not the cancer, just the dying.”

“What?”

Camille was silent and Nate knew he should calm down before he said something stupid, but he couldn’t. He was back on his feet, pacing, his entire body shaking. He felt like his world was being torn apart all over again and he’d only just managed to piece it back together. His heart was a sledgehammer in his chest. He could barely hear himself think.

Camille’s voice broke though the chaos. “Nate. I need to tell you something.”

“Something bigger than you having cancer?”

“Actually, yeah.”

The serious tone of her voice stopped him in his tracks.

Cami

Camille stared at Nate’s face. The pain in her heart was mirrored in the anguish of his eyes. The brightness she’d come to love had disappeared from his face. It was like someone had turned out the light in his eyes. Camille shuddered, knowing she was the one who’d done that to him. She wished she could just go back and not know him, because the pain of what she had to do was more excruciating than her cancer. But she knew she owed him the truth. And Nate was going to find out soon enough.

She took a deep breath. “I’m going to be eighteen soon and I’ve elected to stop treatment.”

“What does that mean?”

“Please let me get through this, Nate.”

He nodded.

“I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma when I was nine. And every day since, I’ve been fighting it. Last year I found out that I was out of options. I’ve progressed to stage four. The treatments were just delaying the inevitable. If I stayed with them, I’d have another two years at best. But the treatments make me want to die.” Camille laughed softly. “Ironic that they keep me alive. But I don’t want to live a half-life of doctor appointments, treatment plans and endless exhaustion. So I made a plan to give myself one good year.

“A few months ago, I started weaning myself off my medications. Last month I stopped going to my oncologist. I’m completely off everything now. And it was supposed to be enough to make it to graduation.”

“Then what?” Nate asked, his eyes watering.

“Then I met you.” Camille’s voice hitched with emotion. “And you screwed everything up. You made me want things that I can’t have.”

Nate was pulling her closer but she pushed him away.

“No. Nate. I can’t. Don’t you get it? Nothing can happen between us.”

“Camille, I think it’s a little late for that. I’m fucking crazy about you. That night we spent together, it meant something to me. And you can’t tell me you don’t know that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“How can it not matter, Cami? The way I feel about you is the only thing that matters.”

“Nate. It can’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re making this too hard. I promised myself I only had to make it to graduation. And at this rate, I’ll barely have the energy for that. I can’t be whatever it is you want me to be.”

“Cami, you don’t have to be anything but what you are. I just want to be here for you. You said it yourself. I make you better. And you make me better, too. I’m good for you, but you gotta let me in . . . all the way. I’ll help you fight this.”

“No, Nate. That’s what you don’t understand. I’m done fighting. After graduation . . .” Camille took a deep breath. She’d never said it out loud before. And staring at the last shred of hope in Nate’s eyes was making it impossible. “After graduation, I’ve decided I’m ready to let go.”

“Of what?” Nate asked, huffing a laugh. “Life?”

Camille’s eyes pleaded for understanding that Nate couldn’t give and she watched him pale.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re going to take your own life?”

Camille couldn’t meet his eyes. Hearing him say it made her queasy.

“Do your parents know?”

“No. But they found out that I’ve stopped treatment. That’s what our fight was about.”

“And if I didn’t show up here today, when was I gonna find out?”

Camille couldn’t find the words, and her lack of reply seemed to say enough.

Nate stood up, pacing again. “No. No, I’m not gonna let you do this.”

“Nate, it’s not up to you. This is my life.”

“Exactly, Cami. Life! You’re supposed to live it. You can’t just give up.”

“You just met me, Nate. You have no right to judge my life.”

“I’m not. But you only get one life. It’s your duty to live it as well as you possibly can. For as long as you can.”

“I have! I’ve been fighting this disease since I was nine years old! You have no idea what that’s like.”

“No, I don’t know what it’s like. But I know that you’re stronger than you think. I know you made me feel more alive in the few weeks we’ve spent together than I have in years. I know that I love you. And that has to mean something.”

Tears streamed down Camille’s cheeks. “Nate, it does. And I hate that it does. I hate that I didn’t meet you until now, but I can’t change that any more than I can change my cancer.”

“But you can fight,” Nate begged.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Just sit by and wait for you to die?”

“I just thought I owed you the truth.”

“And what if I don’t accept the truth?”

Cami shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

“How can you say that? It all matters, Cami. Every stupid moment matters. What you do matters to me, to your parents, to kids at school, to your friends at work, to everyone. I don’t know how you can’t see that.”

“Maybe it matters for you. But you’re gonna get to grow up and have a life and do things. Real things. My time is just a filler until I die. So none of it matters.”

“It matters, Cami. None of us know how long we get. But it’s our job to make the most of it. Make it matter for you, for the people that love you. Your life is right here, right now. You’re the one who wants to give up on it.”

“I don’t want to give up. But what the hell’s the point? I’m not going to get better. And I’m just so damn tired of fighting and waiting for the cancer to kill me. Choosing the when and how I die is all I have left.”

“It’s okay to be afraid, Cami. I’m afraid all the time. But that doesn’t stop me from living.”

“I’m glad you’re living, Nate. I really am. But I can’t be a part of your life anymore.”

“Cami—”

“Nate, I want you to leave.”